Talked w/ WH last night. He refuses to leave. There is no legal in my state and I can not force him out. He says he is focusing on his job 110% when he is there. He quit all community activities and is home every night to be w/ the kids and work on the house. He refuses to work on M issues, except of course to point out my flaws. I told him that we ended up in this situation because we hadn't dealt with our issues...we still haven't. I asked when he last had contact w/OW he said "I don't know I didn't write it down on the calendar." I said I didn't need an exact date...summer? fall? before Christmas? Again he said I told you I didn't write it down I don't know. I told him that his response was vague which lead me to believe that he was still in contact with her and as long as he was there was no point in working on our marriage and that he should leave. He said "No. I have projects here that need to be completed." There are 6 MAJOR projects he has started here over the last 11 years and various stages of completion...if he worked on them every day we would be well into summer before they are completed.

I was very calm, I didn't cry or scream or LB, it was all said very matter of factly.

Has anybody else been through this?

Part of me thinks I should take the kids and <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.qklinkserver.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=92&k=find%20an%20apartment&st=1" onmouseover="window.status='Search for: find an apartment'; self.ql_skeyphrase='find%20an%20apartment'; if(window.event) self.ql_sevent=window.event.srcElement; self.ql_timeout = setTimeout('ql_doMouseOver(1)', 1000); self.ql_isOverLink=true; return true;" onclick="if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; ql_closeiframe(); self.ql_skeyphrase='find%20an%20apartment'; window.status='Search for: find an apartment';return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; setTimeout('ql_closeiframe()', 1500); ">find an apartment</a> but we live in the house that MY grandfather had built for MY grandmother back in the mid 1920's. Its a grand <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.qklinkserver.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=92&k=old%20house&st=1" onmouseover="window.status='Search for: old house'; self.ql_skeyphrase='old%20house'; if(window.event) self.ql_sevent=window.event.srcElement; self.ql_timeout = setTimeout('ql_doMouseOver(1)', 1000); self.ql_isOverLink=true; return true;" onclick="if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; ql_closeiframe(); self.ql_skeyphrase='old%20house'; window.status='Search for: old house';return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; setTimeout('ql_closeiframe()', 1500); ">old house</a>...we bought through the estate when my grandmother passed away so we got a good deal. I know that we will be moving probably this summer. I will miss the house but looking forward to a new beginning. The thought of us leaving and having him stay here just isn't right.

Any suggestions on how to get him to leave? I thought of just pestering and nagging everyday about the affair, but I still don't think that would make him leave...he would just be more miserable to be around.

Readers' Digest Version of my situation.
Married 17 years, together 20 years this June. 2 kids. We both work full time. WH had LTA (don't know how long) with family friend. EA>>>>PA ("somewhat" PA no details). Got evidence on tape, hired PI confirmed evidence, confonted WH/OW, A continued...EXPOSED, EXPOSED, EXPOSED...WH left very breifly came back too soon, A ended...public contact w/ OW ceased...further contact confirmed by keylogger on OW computer last March. Went on cross country <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.qklinkserver.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=92&k=family%20vacation&st=1" onmouseover="window.status='Search for: family vacation'; self.ql_skeyphrase='family%20vacation'; if(window.event) self.ql_sevent=window.event.srcElement; self.ql_timeout = setTimeout('ql_doMouseOver(1)', 1000); self.ql_isOverLink=true; return true;" onclick="if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; ql_closeiframe(); self.ql_skeyphrase='family%20vacation'; window.status='Search for: family vacation';return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; setTimeout('ql_closeiframe()', 1500); ">family vacation</a>...nursed WH after surgery...WH threatened to leave in August even paid 1 month advance...didn't go. Says he is drawn to me, won't talk about A or OW, he often ignores me, he is home every night, no suspecious <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.qklinkserver.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=92&k=cell%20phone&st=1" onmouseover="window.status='Search for: cell phone'; self.ql_skeyphrase='cell%20phone'; if(window.event) self.ql_sevent=window.event.srcElement; self.ql_timeout = setTimeout('ql_doMouseOver(1)', 1000); self.ql_isOverLink=true; return true;" onclick="if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; ql_closeiframe(); self.ql_skeyphrase='cell%20phone'; window.status='Search for: cell phone';return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql_timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; setTimeout('ql_closeiframe()', 1500); ">cell phone</a> use, no unaccounted for time. BUT it doesn't feel right...won't go to MC or address issues, won't go on a date with me. Willing, ready and able for SF though. I suspected they are in phone contact while he is at work or email or IM at work. I have no access. This time its not about what I can prove its what I KNOW!

C42,

Any clause in the sale about you being primary resident? Has he done anything t/b construed as scary, violent or abusive?

Think hard and don't make excuses for his behavior. BTW, he is being a typical jerked headed WS/Xws.

L.

is there any way you can move the projects along. what are you working on in the house....maybe we can help you finish the stuff then his excuse is gone.

C42, I am in a similar situation to your and know my WW is still in contact with OM. I'm tired of living like this and she wont't leave either. She will probably have me served with LS papers soon and then I will start the process.

Do you find that no matter what you say to WS they always find faults or turn it into a negative.

Dr Harley suggested to me that it was time for us to seperate. He suggested that I should file for divorce instesd of Legal Separation even though thats what I realy want. You can always tell your lawyer that you want this to take a realy long time. A lot of divorces take a year to get through. That give you and him a lot of time to figure out what you want to do.

Hey C42! Once again...you sound like me!!! I don't know how you can make your WH leave and is that what you really want? I know it's frustrating the way he is acting.

My WH is home every night, but he is not totally here either. His actions are much better and he does appear to be trying at times, but it is just not there. My WH will not talk about anything. He has said that he needs to talk to someone because he feels screwed up in the head and that he really does want our marriage to work. He is putting in more effort now, but it is still not right. My WH talks about the future and where "we" are moving this summer and what "we" are going to do when he retires from the Marine Corps. I just wish he would talk about his feelings and what all has happened.

So, once again I am not sure what to tell you but I do know how you feel!! I guess you should figure out if you really want him to move out and what you feel that will accomplish. I figure if my WH is home then at least I know he is not with any OW. I know that there are times when Plan B is a necessity, but I am not a big fan of just everyone doing Plan B.

Evaluate your situation and see if having your WH move out is what you really want and what you think that will accomplish. Then if you really feel like he should move out I would keep asking him every day to leave. I bet eventually he would move out. Just make sure this is what you want!

All the best!!

Hi Orchid I was hoping you would stop by!


We are both on the deed and mortgage. At the time of my Grandmother's death WH was truely my H. The whole family loved him...my Grandmother would introduce him as her grandson not my grandaughter's husband.

As far as his behavior...nothing violent or abusive or scarey. Some people have crossed him describe him as unapproachable or cold. Not even a traffic violation.

Hi Nikko nice to hear from you! Is your construction project complete?

The projects....The biggest one right now, finishing attic space originally was going to be pool room/home theater now will be bedroom suite (another bedroom will add value to house) Its wired and insulated most of the dry wall done...needs heat, spackle, paint and carpet. 2 porch roofs with leaks, #1 the wood is rotted and will have to be totally gutted and reconstructed...#2 is porch off our bedroom that is leaking down into the sun pollar...again will need to be gutted and reconstruct w/ additional renovation to sun pollar for water damage. Pool House roof major leak and last winter WH didn't winterize plumbing and we had pipes burst so bathroom and kitchen plumbing out there. Finishing basement...studs in place and wired still needs dry wall, paint and flooring. Other stuff is maintainence and decorative...Its the structal stuff he does.

We completely renovated our old house...side by side. Maybe I should do the same with this one. Its just hard to be side by side with someone that ignores you.

Hi HTW...this being stuck stinks! I mean, I am taking care of myself...doing things to improve myself...doing things with the kids and friends. Sometimes it feels like this WH is sucking the life right out of me. Although its not as bad when A was flaunted in my face.

LOL! Its almost comical the way they can turn things around.
Now I can just step back and shake my head...it doesn't effect me the way it use to. I use to get all flustered and try and explain and defend myself...I don't waste too much breath on that anymore.

Working side by side is an excellent way to spend time together and build up those lovebank points.

Is there a way to find out if there is still contact?

If there is nc, these projects might just be the ticket to spend time together where the focus is off "the relationship" and you can both focus on whats at hand. This should give you enough time to work on both your marriage and house. Win/win.

rb thanks for the reply.
I haven't talked to my lawyer lately...I have all the paper work and we will be seeing our accountant in early Feb. to do our taxes so I will have up to date figures on everything. I can get a court order for parenting time and financial support but he doesn't have to leave the marital home until we are divorced. There is no such thing as a no fault divorce here or irreconsible differences. I can file under adultry or mental cruelity. You can also get a divorce after being separated for 18 months with no cause other then separation. Maybe I could use that as leverage. To avoid having her named in adultry he may agree to separate for 18 months. With cause without contestment the D can go through in 3 months.

I'll keep trying. There always seems to be interuptions...the kids need something... he sometimes complains I'm in the way...somebody needs to run to the hardware store...meals need to made. He is very good at making it uncomfortable to be around him when he wants too. Other times, like when the kids are around he is as sweet as honey.

im sorry you are still going through this. it took almost three years for my hubby to finally pull his head out of his [censored]! only difference is when i finally said get out---he was so shocked he went! worst time of his life.

i don't know what to tell you. there is a part of me that wants to say even with him there live separate. let him do his own stuff...cooking laundry cleaning and whatever else he will do on his own. you begin to live for you and let him see if he likes it. i live in jersey also, i am well aware of the 18 month thing...sucks if ya ask me.lol there really isnt anything they can do legally to get him out???

Hi Lost,
I'm glad you checked in I think of you often. What do I REALLY want. I want my HUSBAND to stand up and fight for his family!!! Unfortunately it seems the WS is the evil twin in charge. So...I would like him to leave. I think WH has H convinced that I won't ever leave him and if he sticks it out he will never have to admit to squat and he can go right on cake eating. The feelings after his brief departure last March have faded.

I'm glad to hear you FWH(?) making we statements and at least saying he wants to work on M.
I know the feeling of him being there but not really. I told WH that even if he is not seeing OW that not talking about A or working on M he is continuing to choose her. That my feelings or needs are not as important to him as protecting her or their A.

Its been almost a year since D-Day...I've been in plan A for over 14 months...if that was going to do it I think it would have by now. I want plan B so I can preserve what feeling I have left for him. It gets harder every day.

No abusive history or behavior. Being a freakin' alien should count for something I think! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> but it doesn't

I do think WH does not want to lose his home and family. I spoke to a friend of his this morning who said WH told him I wanted him out.
The friend told him "I think you should stay and work this out."
WH said "I am. I'm working on the house."
Friend said "Forget the house work on your family!"

i LIKE that friend...he sounds like a keeper. lol

ps....house should be done by april...got this one listed...if i can't sell it you can come here and rent it till it sells!!!lol

Orchid: Hm....that's unstable. Now ask him who he would hire to do repairs or construction on this house if he was a moody, unstable person?!?!? One who others found difficult to work with? I had to pose questions like that to mine since he couldn't handle the truth in plain engrish. LOL!!! So I resorted to 3rd party examples and he seemed to get it quicker. Then I pulled the biblical Nathan and David scenario where the prophet Nathan gave an illustration to King David about someone who took a shepherd's only sheep vs the one who had many. This riled up King David just for Nathan to tell the king that he was the one with the many. Oh yea.....xws knew that account. It was easier to get my point across.



Btw, an Xws thinks your WH's response is bogus. LOL!!! Yea, they can get cynical after moving to the other side of the fence. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Share that tidbit with the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

If you file for divorce on the basis of adultery and name the other woman, that will make your position clear. My H and I went to "Walk the Line" last week. It was a really riveting movie about how an EA becomes a PA and about the helplessness of the BS. If you look at your situation, that OW needs to be away from you and your H. If OW lives in the area and cannot be avoided, then you two may need to leave -- even a house that your grandfather got for your grandmother.

You may not be able to get him out of the house today, but filing for divorce on the basis of adultery certainly sends a clear message.
Cherished

I spoke to OWH today...they are pretty much in the same position as we are... that further confirms that contact lingers.OWH is doing very well in his personal recovery...he has developed a support system at work and other than the state of his M feels that life is good.

I think I will call SH again before I call my lawyer.

Orchid...Oh WH can see very clearly OTHER peoples inappropriate behaviors! Its not him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> According to him just about everyone is up to something...a lot of projection going on. As far as working on the house...I have someone lined up that can finish the attic...friends have volunteered to help me get the other stuff done so it is sellable. I'd bet that my FIL and BILs would help as well if I asked.

Cherished thanks for responding...if WH would commit to M I would have NO problem moving. It was my grandparents house and home base when I was a kid and traveled in the military...but it is just a house. My grandparents would want nothing more than to see us sell it (get as much as we can) and make a new beginning. Even if we D I would still probably sell it and the kids and I move someplace smaller easier to maintain. I just don't like the idea of him living there while the kids and I live in an apartment.

I'm thinking filing for D may be my best option...thats what I want to talk to SH about. I may not fit all the criteria for adultry now...but I can file under mental cruelty and name her and their A as a contributing factor.