We aren't taking this point of "protection" seriously because we recognize it for what it is. An exaggerated hypothetical designed to serve your fear of action.

Not only are your "fears" about protection contrived, but your concern about being the "cause" of harm in her life is irrational. The cause of harm is the AFFAIR, not the exposure. Exposure will allow the OMW to protect herself from harm. Further lies will not protect her.

You avoided answering my question above so I will ask again: if your neighbors bookkeeper is embezzling money from him and you warn him would you feel that you "harmed" your neighbor by telling him?

Wouldn't common sense dictate that it was the bookkeeper who "harmed" him and that your warning helped him?

Well, it is the same logic here, EM. And I don't know why you can't see that. The TRUTH does not harm families, AFFAIRS DO. THE TRUTH IS RESTORATIVE. It enables the OMW the opportunity to work on her marriage. But she can't do that if you cruelly deny her the truth. The OMW is being destroyed behind her back and you won't warn her so she can protect herself and her children from her H and your W.

thanks man... good point on using it IF the EA or PA didn't end..

My W has done everything to PROVE to me it's ended.. NC email, removal of contact acct. in email, committment to me to regain my trust...

why should I ****** that up now with exposure.. I tell you this.. on my children.. if there is ONE more contact, regardless of reason, all bets are off and the emails will be hand delivered to her front door.. at her home.. while he's home..
I fear no man/person..

and I can protect my W from everyone.. but herself.

that's a fact folks..

YOU missed the point..

Fear is fear is fear. Fear disables. The TRUTH enables and saves people from even more heartache. These people are emotionally trapped in burning buildings - innocent men, women, and children. Men and women ON THIS BOARD are being given debilitating sexually transmitted diseases. I have no fear of exposing and I'll take the consequences BECAUSE MY moral fiber doesn't allow me to sit and watch people fooled into danger. The most common danger we see here is an affair that is allowed to continue. Not this other stuff that you're talking about.

What kind of answer are you REALLY looking for. Really, I want to understand.

EM, you don't have to justify yourself to us. Really. It's your life.

Mel - I love it when we say the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you truly afraid that the OM is going to come after you or your wife????

If so...get a restraining order. That's what the legal process is for.

If there truly is a reason to SUSPECT that OM/OW is going to respond this way, then the plan should be modified to take that into account. If you're not sure, then you should have a backup plan in place to deal with that...IF IT HAPPENS.

If you decide not to expose because it MIGHT happen...you need to balance the LIKELIHOOD of this happening versus the true damage your marriage is going to suffer do to the ongoing affair. And...factor in the damage that the OTHER marriage will suffer if this affair continues. Risk assessment...nothing more, nothing less. And then a risk mitigation plan as required.

It's VERY rare that the OM/OW react in this manner...it's more likely that the BS will respond this way than anyone else!

Oh...and as far as exposure AFTER the affair as ended. The ONLY person I would condone exposing to in that case is OMW/OWM. For TWO reasons...but only one I'm likely to mention to my WS. First...because the OMW/OWM should be aware of what happened and take their own measures to protect themselves and their marriage. Secondly (and what I likely wouldn't bring up to my WS) is that if they're working to fix THEIR marriage, it's going to make it far more difficult for the OP to contact the WS...it helps garauntee that the affair STAYS ended.

The email dialog and contact is over. I think it was you that said exposure post A-end is unnessary..

I'm not exposing for now..

I tell you what.. I'll send you her phone number and email address and you can tell her... how's that sound..

I asked that we agree to disagree...

oh.. and are you of the belief that "thinking" of sex with another person is an affair or cheating??

I'm of the opinion that talking in a sexual nature with someone is an affair...and that continuing to do so when you KNOW that your spouse will be hurt/upset/angry by what's contained in the dialog is an affair. Regardless of it's sexual content...if the dialog is something that you know you shouldn't discuss with that person, and something that you don't want your spouse to know about...it's an affair.

Add to that any time you begin to place your feelings for the other person over the well being of your family, marriage, spouse, etc...

Affairs are NOT about sex my friend. They're about inappropriate contact between two (typically opposite sex) adults (at least one of which is married or otherwise involved in a relationship that recognizes monogamy) that is a behavior that they would NOT do in public scrutiny.

You know what...post that phone number and name, and the appropriate information so that I can prove to OMW what took place, and I WILL call her for you.

Why would you even ask such a question? huh?

But yes, if you will email me her phone # with the details I will call her myself. My email link in my signature.

EM, keep this mind: we are not the enemy here. We are on your side. The good folks here have experience, that you don't have, and only want to help you. We don't want you to make the same mistakes that we made. So please keep this in perspective. We are on your side.

That being said, I have to point out that you are a new inexperienced guy who has been here for 2 months. You have no experience in affair busting or saving marriages using Marriage Builders principles. The folks who are ADVOCATING exposure are those who have been here for years and have seen and personally experienced the results of exposure.

The professionals, Dr. Harley et al, who also have years of practical and professional experience, advocate exposure. If exposure were truly "risky" doesn't it stand to reason that it would be just the opposite, that the ones with the most experience would advise extreme caution rather than the ones with no experience or background?

The bottom line is that the assertion that exposure is a risk cannot be supported with facts and evidence. Long experience has proven that exposure is beneficial, not harmful as you assert. In fact, there has not been a single case of a BS becoming violent in all the years I have been here. I don't know of a single case. And neither do you, EM. That tells me that your fears of a "risk" are not grounded in reality.

Now, you don't have to accept this. Nor do you have to justify yourself to us. But I do want you to accept and understand this very critical point: WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE.

EarthMan...

I haven't read this whole thread, so forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said, but for what it's worth to you, here goes...

I am a FWW, I can tell you with 100% certainty that if my H had exposed to just my OM's parents(He was divorced and living with them) that my A would have ended IMMEDIATELY...NO DOUBT-man, we would have been spared a lot of pain!!! You are getting the right advice here, please take it...I think that you know that, but the hurt part of you doesn't want to accept it...

Also, in your other thread you talked about not wanting to interfere with how things were supposed to go...What if you taking action IS is how it's supposed to go? Surely you haven't acted as an innocent bystander in all aspects of your life, right? View yourself as the crusading hero here and take action!!! Remember that "well behaved" men and women rarely make history-I say this as it applies to taking charge of decisions in your own life-MAN UP HERE!!!

Please believe Melody when she tells you that everyone here is on your side...We are all playing for the same team...SUIT UP and GET IN THE GAME!!!

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

earth man:

My goodness,
No one is asking you to tell a parent, or boss or go the local paper.

Only that you TELL the 4th person "involved" in this rectangle.

Cause yes,
like it or not there ARE 4 people involved in this situation ... WS,BS, OP & OPS.

Hey, your mind was already made up ....so no harm to any of us.

But since you like questions,
here's some for you.

Can you honestly say that if everything else was the same, except YOU were the BS still "in the dark" .....you Would NOT want to KNOW what your W had been up too and been doing??

IF not, why not?
Did NOT knowing (before you discoverd the truth) help you or your M in anyway?

And if would want to know, why not Do what you would like someone to do for you??

Perhaps you wouldn't ........but for myself, I ONLY Wish there had been someone (ANYONE) that would have had the courage to Let me Know what the Heck was going on for 2 years!

So for me, I'd have a hard time dealing with myself Late At Night (knowing I'd kept this information from someone just like me, Who needed it).

Lastly,
if in this Hypothetical scenario you keep bringing up (you know --- OP crazy, violent) wouldn't you Want to ensure that He IS OUT of your life permanently??

If so, exposure to His spouse is the best means to achieve that Goal, whether You accept it or NOT.

Hey guy,
There have been plenty more posters here that let FEAR control them (& I was one of them), and ended up Learning the Hard way what the score was.
That's all these Vets are trying to DO For YOU ......not have you have to learn the lesson for yourself.

I'd dare say ALL of us have made mistakes in this Journey ....we only hold out our stories and advice in Hopes that others won't have to Join us in making the same ones, when its all so unnecessary.

When told where the land mines are, the wise man uses the map given & steps over ...rather then running blindly forward.

However,
its your life .....and you must live it.
I wish you success with your choices.

Well said Top Rope.

I'm actually (was actually) far more worried that when OM ran out on his wife in a cruel calous way and then my wife decided to come home that he could wreak revenge on us as his wife wouldn't take him back!

My wife's affair was stone, cold dead in less than a week after exposure. Dead permanently!

yeah.. but this wasn't sex.. this was email banter... no STDs..

I exposed it to W, she stopped it for me and our marriage, and now I must make her see what was wrong with it.... Me pursing OM and his W will only agitate my W and not help me or my M... I'm letting it go.. for now..

you'll take the consequences? Are you stupid or what?.. I've personally known many people capable of doing really bad things to other people so maybe I know better. This isn't a Lifetime TV episode tough guy.. This is real life and there are some really bad people out there, capable of much worse things than trying to bang your wife... Do you understand that? If there was sex involved, I might be so bold but this was email banter and it stopped... and I'm monitoring... more than most folks are capable of...

Do you have children? How would you feel IF you exposed and IF something BAD happened.. .How would you handle that? Would you still stand proud in your convictions?

yeah.. and guns kill..

I don't think there is any point in responding any further because it is a waste of effort. I wish you the best, EM.

what? I said I'm afraid of no man... I'm armed and very dangerous myself so I'm not worried on that front. I know what I'm capable of which is why I may know better than some of you.. what's stops me from handling this matter old school is my children.. I could also pay a few bucks and have someone else handle matters old school, but I'm trying to walk the right path and allthis talk of exposure and such when my W has stopped the dialog and committed to us and the marriage is just hurt people not willing to measure the severity of a situation and see it as black and white..

It's NOT all black and white..

If anything more than email occured, I would agree with you all..and I assure you that OM would have had the printed emails stuck straight up his punk [censored]..

Again, YOU/WE don't know how someone will react... that's my point..