So it has been about 3 months since my wife admitted to being attracted to another man. She said that she hadn't acted on it but felt horrible for feeling those feelings.

(we have been married almost 2 years, together for 7.)

I later found out that she had been carrying out an emotional affair with the man. I confronted her about it and it stopped ( for the most part..i'll get to that later)

Along with telling me of her attraction she also said she felt like she had never been in love with me. That she married me because she thought I was such a good and loving guy. She felt that we were missing that spark of attraction. Chemistry. This was all news to me.

This all came to light in a session at her therapists. In the same session they both confronted me with alot of things i was doing wrong. Wasn't independent enough, didn't help with the house chores enough ect.

So 3 months later i am a different man. I have lost 50 lbs. Help with the housework.Am independent. Take a genuine interest in my wifes interests. Am loving and caring. And really am all that she could ask for (what she says)

But she says she still feels no chemistry or attraction to me. So now she is talking about seperation. She wants us to go see the therapist again which is alright except I know the therapist seems to be leading us to seperation too.

She says that she thinks if she didn't have me that maybe she would start to have those feelings.

Anyway I guess after reading these boards i thought that it sounded alot like maybe she was still emotionally attached to her affair. I asked her last night and she admitted to wanting to be with him and still having a small amount of contact with him.

And in the same conversation she also said that she doesn't feel we can go on like we have. That her waiting to see if she has these feelings for me is too hard emotionally for me. She's right. I can't seem to be able to handle it. I can be going along fine having fun and loving times with my wife for about 3-4 days then break down and have conversations with her that leave me asking unanswerable questions and being super emotional. I am thinking of going to the doctor and getting on antidepresants.

So really we are days away from seperation. We will probably see the therapist at the begining of next week.

I don't know if this is salvagable. I am soo exhausted after 3 months of fighting like ****** to keep things together. She says she loves me very much but just isn't "in love" with me.

Any ideas? Is seperation a good idea? I fear it would just be the end. She will just enjoy the freedom that it would give her and her emotional affair would probably turn physical.

help!

Hi Promdate - welcome to MB.

Not if you want to save your marriage.

WS's say this - every time.


You betcha she is.

Have you read up on MB principles? Plan A, EN's?

I guess i just don't know where my relationship is as i have just started to read the concepts on this site. I would say that i have been doing plan A for awhile..when i confronted her it was known that she had to break contact off with OM. She did for a bit but slipped back into it to a lesser degree.
But i have addressed many if not all of her issues with our marriage and have tried to make our home a enjoyable place to be. (my only marriage buster is my breakdowns into endless questions..i don't know if that has caused too much damage)
So where are we..as she may not be willing to stop all contact with OM does that put us on footing for plan B?

I think many of us have had those moments and survived them. Of course, you'll want to find ways to control that but it's rarely a true deal breaker. What matters is what you do from today forward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm at work so I have to be brief - we'll bump this up for some more veterans to lend a hand. I'll check back later.

Don't despair. I'll say a prayer for you. (and your WW)

Thanks flukeboy.
I have asked her if she would be open to trying a bit longer on the marriage before moving towards seperation. The difference being this time i would ask that she commit to not having contact with OM upfront.
I said this would help me controll my emotions and perhaps would allow us to move forward.

She is thinking about it.

i think that if i could get her to agree i could at least ensure that the end stage of Plan A goes as well as possible. I can at least be sure she knows our relationship is a safe and loving one to be in.

Then I can move to plan B.

I think if she doesn't agree then I will have to move to plan B the way it is. Not ideal but not horrible I guess. well this is all horible!!

Are you certain about this? There is not a BS around that has not heard the "nothing physical" line of [email]cr@p.[/email] Of course she feels terrible....they always do yet somehow the affair continues.



Of course it was, we call it rewriting history here. Plus, bad news is she likes "Chemistry" with OM.

More bad news "Chemistry" usually means physical.

So, my suggestions are:

1: Read up on MB principles
2: Determine just how far affair went - that's right the entire ugly truth, do not accept anything but truth.
3. Time to spy on her. Is she totally honest? Totally? Can you look at her e-mail, put key logger on computer?
4: EXPOSE, who is this man? IS he married? You will come to FEAR exposure because of her anger over doing it. DO NOT THREATEN EXPOSURE YOU JUST DO IT....THREATENING makes it worse, you allow them to forge the "jealous husband" syndrome...
5. Start a plan....

How you feel is nothing new to any of us here. We have all been flipping mad to so desperate that suicide crossed our minds. We have lost thousands of pounds, skipped many a meal, had numerous sleepless nights....

come here and let us help you..

just know that occasionally a 2x4 comes out...

I guess i don't know for sure that it wasn't physical. I have suspected that it may have been but i guess i just don't see what good it would do to expose it. It would hurt me to know for sure that it was physical!!!

The damage has been done and she has admitted to the affair. What good is it knowing all the details?

you're kidding right?

Listen...you have a lot of work to do. Get "Surviving an Affair" sold on this site. Read up on principles.

Quite contrary my friend, the DAMAGE HAS JUST BEGUN! Knowing the details means she is NOT being honest with you and you will have to force this with spying, exposure, etc. All principles on this site. Read up on them, become a student and learn. There is a ton of wisdom on this board and they quickly become frustrated with folks who come here not following the principles and especially not being somewhat knowledgeable or even cognizant of the principles here...NOTE the general lack of responses to your thread....

Listen...the next steps are up to you...if you want help..keep coming back...but you're already behind the 8 ball.

What about exposure? What have you done to STOP this affair? Excuse the 2x4 but, other than whining to her....plan A without exposure and attempting to stop the affair is being a door mat....she has lost respect for you....you have lost her...go get her back....

Prom,
I'm glad you're here buddy! These people will be able to give you great advice. I agree that you need to spy on your wife, so that you can know the extent of what is going on. Based on the things she has said to you, I would guess the affair has been physical. My wife admitted to the emotional affair, but I had to find out about the physical part on my own. If the affair is still going on, and it sounds like it is, your priority has to be to break the affair up. You can't work on your marriage until you break up the affair. You will learn a lot about exposure here. It is usually the club that gives the death blow to the affair. If your wife is still having an affair, you will not be able to reason with her. All of the good things you are doing don't matter to her because she is in the "fog". This is why I say you first have to kill the affair. And boy is she going to be pissed when you do. Read everything on this web site and listen to these people...They are affair slayers.

October

I am going to get you started cause you probably think I am being hard on you...READ this stuff...keep going thru everything and learn....

General Welcome



WAT's Quick StartGuidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Ok I have purchased surviving the affair. Its on its way.
I only hope it isn't too late.

I actually have been spying as best I can on my wife. From what I can gather she has stopped most contact. It is not intimate like it used to be but more a casual freindly basis. But still there. She still seems to need contact with him.

DO you think i should let my wife see me reading the book? or encourage her to read it with me?

I will talk to her tonight and ask her to be honest and give me all the details of the affair.

Thanks for the help . I have to admit I am just so exhausted from the last 3 months that i have almost given up.

Little contact is like being a LITTLE PREGNANT...Please focus on principles of this place....



Kind of like what happened to you?? The spark is gone?? C'mon buddy look at what you're writing and you're sitting by letting it happen? Look down at yourself and grow a set...really...you are going to think I am being a jerk but I want to grab you and shake you....

you will thank me someday..I hope..C'mon folks...jump in and be nicer to this guy than I am...or pile on...

^^bump up^^

Well Promdate....had some time to read up....?

What do you think now?

I think i am getting it. I have been reading alot on these boards and the site. I see how uncannilly the same my situation is to others.

I told her that I need her to commit to having no contact with him whatsoever.I did it without being angry or emotional. She didn't like that. She says she doesn't know why that seems to be such a hard thing for her to do (i know, I know...she is still in the affair) She is on the verge of deciding wether to seperate or not so I don't know if she will seriosely entertain the thought of breaking off contact. I'll just keep pushing forward with it.

I am just pushing forward with the point that she can't seriosely hope to feel that spark or passion for me(which the lack of, is her reason for ending or relationship) if she stillhas him in the picture.

I am going to install key logger on her machine when I get a chance.

I am a little foggy onhow i should EXPOSE. He is single so there is no sig other to contact. I could expose to her friends and family..but i also read that is a big marriage buster. So right now its just exposed between me and her.

Do you know who this man is? Are you sure there is no significant other? Is it at the work place?



Making your W angry is not a LOVE BUSTER LOVE BUSTERS There's the definitions.

Exposure is generally the key to breaking off an affair because you have ebrought the vampires into the light. No more secrets...the "mystery" is over.

Look you need to fight for your W, a fight for your life...remember, she is already gone..you need to get her back....

Melody L?? A quick exposure lesson for this guy?

Ok i think i know what i can do. Her grandmother looks at me as her sole confident. Since grandfather died she has been very angry about affairs that he had.

I could tell grandma and know that the information would spread down to the important parts of my wifes family.

Grandma would possibly come close to disowning my wife.

I think if i handle it carefully it could bring alot of pressure on my wife.

Prom date..again...


Handle it like a nuclear bomb!!!

Listen...before you do this read up...just getting grandma mad at her is not enough.

I'll check in over the weekend.

Promdate? How goes it over the weekend?

I am a little surprised that no one else had any input on this thread...

Prom,

How are you doing?

I think its over. She has decided she wants to seperate.