Again, I agree with Believer. I suspect that I've done so twice in the last few minutes is going to disturb Believer no end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don’t call the commander. It won’t serve any purpose because they’re pursuing their own agenda with your husband now. He disobeyed an order. They can’t overlook that and you can’t talk them out of it. Besides, remember that story I told you some time back about that Major where I worked? You calling the CC now would have that same effect and wouldn’t change a thing.

Also, tell your husband you told both sets of parents the truth. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Don’t indulge yourself in even a small deceit in response to his bigger one (that he may well still engaged in). It won’t pay in the long run. In fact, tell everyone what they used to call the “God’s own truth.” It’s cleaner and will pay dividends down the line.

Mhwag - Although this is your WH problem to face, what happens to him will affect you and your life as well. That is why I usually suggest to make very sure you are ready for the consequences when you expose to the military. A few things could happen to your WH. He could get a slap on the wrist, he could get his pay docked, he could be courtmarshaled, or he could be forced out of the military. You as well as he are at risk of losing money and also health benefits.

At this point all of that really is a side note because he has been exposed to his command and they will now take the action they feel is necessary. I would suggest that you get a very firm plan in place.

I just want you to be ready for whatever happens. You have taken the hardest step by exposing, now you need a plan to go from here.

You did a great job by keeping your cool while he was at your house. Stay the course!

But that is the thing by military stadards this is his house and we are only here with his and the commands permission. They could tell us to leave tommorro. I know there is a long process to get us out but I will not go with out a fight. Doxie Lover knows this base. I just have to sneeze and he will know by the end of the day I did. Think of this base as a high school and the commanders are the teachers. That is how I feel here.

Is and when my husband asks about WHAT I told inlaws and parents. What do I say to that?

Hey there,
Keep your chin up. The housing is his because he has a family but they will not kick you out. Are you even legally separated?
Where is he going to hire a lawyer? and for what? How is a civilian lawyer going to help with a military matter? He's just spouting whatever comes to mind.
What did you tell his parents and yours? That he had an affair and moved out? It's the truth, are you supposed to lie to them to cover his tracks? I don't think so.
Next time I talk to my H I will ask him how they deal with A in his command. I think that court-martial is rather extreme but it just depends on how far they want to prosecute. It would more than likely be an Article 15, maybe a fine, maybe a reduction in rank, etc.
None of this is your fault. These are the consequences of his actions, not yours. I would strongly recommend that you do not contact the command any further. At this point there is no further need for the wife to be involved and only serves to create more problems.
I'm still waiting on the info about command sponsorship and what circumstances would cause you to lose it.
The Army deals with many, many domestic issues and they don't send the family packing at the first sign of trouble.
Unless he presents you with a hard copy of orders in black and white, I would just let him spout and ignore it. If you ever think that he isn't bluffing anymore then contact me and I will have it looked up. Family travel is only a couple of buildings away from my office.

I finally talked to a Chief over in personnel. You do not automatically loose your sponsorship just because he moves into the barracks.
At this point, they would probably not do an ERD but they could do an ARD (advance return of dep.) You don't have to take it lying down either.
Remind him, sweetly of course, that if he was to send you off, he would be responsible for packing out and clearing quarters. Most men I know just hate having to deal with the moving details and responsibilities.
I also asked Chief about punishment and he said it's up to the command and usually it's a just a slap on the wrist. Just depends on how much they want to deal with it.

I have talked to some people and when it comes to ARD I have to give my permission to leave. I am trying to findd find out now the deal on him being ordered into the barracks. I am trying to call a chaplin for I to do not feel I need to call the command any more. But how our we to deal with our R if he can't come over for only brief times. We are not legally separated because he has not told me at least. I also am thinking of going to legal but am worried that they might start something if I go there. I also am just frustrated because even if there was blame on the exsposed, I would not be the one to point fingers I steped out as soon as the OW lied and got caught. OWH is call every one. He would have called my HW parent soon also because he is good at getting that info. I felt is was my right to tell them first and keep it clean. WH had emailed MIL that we were on a break but did not give details I did.

I WH is coming over sometime tonight. I do not know when and will not ask. I will carry on like nothing is happening. I have a great meal in the oven and my mouth is watering. If he come before great after oh well. I don't know what he has been doing all day and I am not sure if I want to know. You guys have said that maybe we should stay away from each other a bit. I will see tonight how he is acting. I don't want to DD's to be affected anymore than they have to be. I am sure they know something is going on and I don't know what to tell them. Or what do I tell him if he is still being the WH with the anger. What to do?

Sounds like the other betrayed spouse in this is doing a heck of a job of exposing. Good for him, and you too. You've been doing a good job of reverse babbling. His anger will ebb slowly. Remember you're busting up a very treasured fantasy. He's been restricted to the barracks because he disobeyed an order. That's what happens when service members place their fantasies ahead of their good sense. In a way, it’s in keeping with MB principles. No contact is going to be firmly enforced now. He’s going to get lots of time to think of what he should be doing instead of the way he has been.

OWH called he was trying to check to see if anything his WW said was true. She is going to try and work on her M with full honesty he says. So she told him about the phone calls she made to me. I don't think my WH knows she went to her command and told them they have been seeing each other after the NC order came through. I wish someone (not me) would tell him that is might give him a bigger push out of this fog/withdrawl. WH has gotten a secret bank account but I had my ways of finding out. he has yet to put money in it but I will wait and see.

Today was ok. I got to read a whole lot but I am now in a bit of a confussion. I have read SAA for the third time. I think I did Part of Plan A by exposing so I don't need to go into Plan B because I know that the A has stopped. I am trying to understand the withdrawl. I have not read that much on it. The A was not allowed to die a natural death and so what do you do with that. I am trying to show WH that he is welcome but he is to upset with being in trouble at work.
I know that he is throwing venom and blames anyone but himself. So am I just to wait? I read that he will not be very receptive of second part of plan A during withdrawl. I think he is going to try and see what he can do to me financially. But if I go to the lawyers won't that be LBing. I am trying to understand this part.

I am also in a bit of a sad mode because my DD of 9 has known what was going on and did not tell anyone. I had to talk to her today and she told me she heard on the first D-Day that daddy said he loved someone. I told her that she shouldn't worry about that right now, and that daddy has made a big mistake and that is why the military is making him live outside the house. I don't like that he is telling the DD that we will be moving away to grandparents. I don't like putting the DD's in the middle but they are smart and knew something was up.

Bumping to see if anyone can answer some of my questions and or give me advice.

It really doesn't matter how the A end, just that it does end. Whether it dies a natural death, the OP drops the WS, or they are forced apart, makes little difference. So just bide your time until he goes through withdrawal.

Sorry that your daughter found out the way she did. You need to tell her that you have a plan to work on the marriage, and that you are following it. Tell her that she can come and talk to you about things.

I have just had a thought. I think he might be trying to either get back at me or scare me with the financial stuff. I want to wait this out but if he is trying to hurt me this way how to I deal with this w/o LBing? He is not talking to me still and I refuse to call him. I also do not think I am the one that should be making a list of a bugdet. I think that WH is selling his family through his financises. I will not tolerate this. I know I sound like I am venting and I probly am in some degree but I feel that if I give this budget to him I am letting him control the matter. It is like if he says" I want to D" I would need to say " Ok go get it. Right?" I feel this is the second part of Plan A. I also founf out that if he goes through with the taking of the money it would be a crime in the military because he is failing to support his family. I am feel that the withdrawl and fog are still very strong on him. And I am just waiting here to see if next payday the money does not come into OUR bank account or just goes to his new account that I am not surposed to know about. But he has dropped big hints on. AAAUGGGHHH I hate the waiting but I know it will be worth it but I still hate it. Again I hate that I love him this much some days.

Mhwag, he's being a jerk about the money and the bank accounts. He's making you sweat to “pay you back” for busting up his nice little affair. In addition to paying the recurring bills, what is his plan for getting money to you for household upkeep? Does he plan to dole that out to you a little bit at a time? I suspect that’s what he’s planning and it’s awfully, awfully petty in my opinion.

Setting up his own account and paying all the bills from that is a control thing, of course. He's into being vindictive and cruel right now. If you have to ask him for money to run the household, it's going to make him feel more powerful. Let it roll off your back if you can. If it gets too bad, if he's withholding money for food, gas, etc., don't hesitate a minute in getting the word to his commander and the chaplain. He needs to know you will do that, I think. You have to make it clear you will not let your daughters go without just because he's being an a$$ about having been discovered doing something he should not have been doing.

I don’t know if it’s good reverse babble or not, but you might consider telling him you’re looking for a part time job, for instance, and the pay would go into your checking account, of course. It wouldn’t relieve him of his responsibilities in the least.

I’ve been out for too long, but it was possible for the commander to order a member to set up an allotment for his dependents at one time. You might call the Finance and Accounting Office to ask if that is still possible. You don’t have to give your name, or your husbands. You’re just asking a general question. Just keep the info in reserve if you find out it is possible.

As you said, if he doesn't support his dependents--and that includes paying the bills--then he's in even deeper trouble than he is already with the commander. If he has any sense remaining, he's not going to chance that. If, by some stroke of idiocy, he doesn't, you know the number for his commander.

It infuriates me that he's using the kids to aggravate you. Does he know your daughter overheard him saying that? Is he proud he's wrecking her life? Talk to the chaplain about that, perhaps? He, or she, might be able to put a bug in your husband's ear, or arrange some counseling for your daughters. I don't think it's appropriate to call the commander about. I don't know that he could do anything about it. The girls would have figured it out sooner or later, btw. My daughter was 5 at the time of my wife's infidelity and my daughter has since told me she knew what her mom was doing.

If he talks divorce, you say you’re about marriage. You’ve read Plan A. Set your boundaries and don’t LB…but he’s not entitled to be disrespectful or mistreat you or your children either. If he yells, you speak softly. If he keeps it up, you terminate the conversation, telling him you want to talk to him when he’s ready to talk…not scream. You know the drill, Lady. It’s not going to be easy but you can revive the marriage. Hang in there, okay?

Longhorn, You again have made my day a little brighter. I will be talking to the chaplin tommorro. This base is screwed up knowone knew who the chaplin was for my command. Isn't that awful? I have not been able to talk to WH because I refuse to call him. He does not want to talk to me but when he does call I will be telling him about my DD and telling him what we talked about. My MIL is in shock. She is trying to understand everthing but is at a loss. I gave her this website because I know it would help her undersrand why I am fighting for my M.

I will be looking for a part time job if it does come down to it but with not even knowing if I will be here in 6 months I do not know. I hanging in there. Thanks again

Lady, we're out here to give you a support group of sorts. I'm glad to offer what poor help I can. Yes, let your husband know about your daughter. Also, manipulating children (you're going to go live with grandma) is pretty darn low. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he probably doesn't know understand how his words and actions affect them so deeply. I don't think it's an LB to bring that to his attention in a respectful manner. You're in Plan A, but that doesn't mean you or the children are doormats. That's why there are boundaries. TTYL

I will tell him as soon as he lets me talk. He did not say with grandparants but in the state where gradparents live. Almost same thing right. He also said to the DD that he will be there to maybe. He was trying to guilt me in front of them as a side note to his thinking he will be kicked out of the military. I really hope it doesn't come down to that. Not that I feel guilty for his actions but I think rank and pay and some extra duty should be enough. He has had a perfect record for almost 9 years so that would be a big extrem if they do. I also heard they like to make exsample out of some soldiers I hope they don't do that to him. They did that to me when I was in the military and I chose to get out before it went through.

I talked to his brother they are the closest when it somes to family his brother just hopes he comes out of this daze he is in because he says the last time he talked it did not sound like his brother. I am happy they support my working on this even if it is one sided right now.

Whatever he does, using the children as a tool, is dead wrong. He might be kicked out, but I don't think he's managed to dig himself that deep a hole yet. If there is any punishment, it will be because he disobeyed an order to not see the OW, not because you exposed his tawdry little affair. Now, if he's being as surly and disrespectful with the senior NCOs and officers in his chain of command as he is with you, then it’s another matter. Let’s hope he’s smarter than that.

Well today is going to be a very busy day. I can't wait. I need to feel up my days because my nights get very lonely. My DD have come to start sleeping in my room and I can't tell them no. Taxes to file, Chaplinn to see, And a work out class if I can squeeze it in.

I am also making an appointment to see the Dr. because I have not been able to eat right since this all happened and now I think I am losing weight to fast. 22 pounds in in a month. I am obese but that is to fast. I also can hold anything down till after 10:00am. I am keeping up appearances for everyone including me on somedays. It makes me feel better even if sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and cry.

Thanks again everyone for your support. I wake everyday and see this site to get my day started and each evening to go to bed a little happier. Thanks.

Also Today I will be taking the little savings we had out of the bank and having a friend hold onto it just in case WH does something stupid again. Do you think I should tell him if he asks or just tell him after I do it in a calm voice that I am protecting myself? Any thoughts?