Hello everyone. First I want to say what a blessing this site seems to be at this point in my life where I feel like I have no where to turn. I just wanted to talk about what I have been going through and get some feedback, so here goes.

About a month and a half ago husband started acting angry, distant and frusterated with me right after he returned from a weekend vacation with my brother-in-law. I should add that I am pregnant with a planned pregnancy and it's our first child. He started becoming more and more distant, stopped telling me he loved me, stopped talking about the baby, started drinking and coming home late at night and then managed to tell me that he was "not in love with me" and that the baby made him feel trapped. This was all a severe shock to me as he had done a complete 180 and was acting like a stranger and all of this came on so suddenly. We decided to try and work it out. He continued to drink more, would not touch me, tell me he loved me or show any type of affection. He started hanging out with friends more and coming home late. Anything he could do to avoid me, it seemed like he was doing. I was scared and heartbroken. I never imagined I would go through this with him and especially not while I was pregnant.

To make a long story short, one night my gut feeling told me to look at the cell phone bill and that is when my life, my love, and my idea of marriage fell apart. He kept trying to get it away from me, but I was persistant and got it from him. There were coutless calls and text messages to the state that he had traveled to. I questioned him and finally got out of him that while he was away, he got drunk and had a one-night stand with a woman he met in the hotel. He had been continuing contact since he returned home even though they are states away. When he told me this, I can't describe the sick feeling and the pain, hurt and anger that accompanied it. This was a man I trusted, loved and felt safe with. I admired him and was proud of him and now I felt as if I was married to a complete stranger. He begged me to stay, asked for a second chance, told me how much he didn't want to loose what he had etc. He told me if I gave him a second chance that I wouldn't regret it. That night I didn't sleep and I also didn't give him an answer. The next day, he called me all day long and asked me if I was going to leave. After a couple more lies that day about ending contact with her he finally did, as far as I know. He went out that night and bought new cell phones and cancelled the old. He brought me flowers and told me how sorry he was and how I didn't deserve this etc. He has seemed to be very honest ever since I found out. He tells me he loves me, and is like the man I remember before the affair. He stopped drinking and acting recklessly. He calls me at work all day long and is no longer distant. I have checked his cell phone multiple times and there is no evidence of continued contact, but I still worry. I have been so incredibly hurt by this that it cripples me. I have been suffering so much with coming to terms with the fact that this actually did happen. I am so thankful that she lives states away. I have ordered "Surviving an Affair" "H/N H/N" and "Fall In Love Stay In Love" and he has aggreed to read them with me. He is also showing interest in my pregnancy again. I can tell that me knowing is a huge burden lifted off his shoulders. I truly believe that the guilt was killing him inside and that is why he was acting so reckless and drinking (so unlike him normally.)

I guess the part I can't understand is why I am able to make love to him now and it not be affected by the affair? In fact, the passion between us seems better than ever. It's the only time I feel close to him and the only time I can get the affair out of my mind. I feel like doing it more that once a day right now. Has anyone else had this happen after an affair. Maybe it's my desperate side hoping to make him happy, I don't know. Everytime we do it though, the thoughts of them together fade and I have new memories of us together and that helps me cope with what has happened. Am I crazy? I love my husband and we are both willing to work towards fixing the problems that led up to this. I still have pain about what happened everyday, but am trying to be kind and supportive. I just want my husband back and I want to trust him again. Most of all, I want us to feel close again, but I feel like it's all happening so fast. I feel like I should still be screaming and crying and blaming and I am not. It's only been 9 days since I found out, why do I feel like I am coping better than I should be? Opinions please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hi Newday,

So sorry that you have to go through this. Pregnancy has enough emotional swings involved with adding this to the mix. However, I see alot of hope for your sitch.



Typical guilt ridden WS behavior. WS's can't justify what they have done without turning you into the bad guy. He started the bahavior as soon as he returned home? It sounds as though he couldn't look you in the face and all the drinking tells me that he had a hard time facing himself as well. As much as he didn't want you to know, I can bet he felt relief that the secret was out. I wonder how he slept that night you found out. Like a baby? The continued contact with the OW is not a particularly wise option but my best guess would be that he didn't feel that overwhelming guilt and shame when he talked with her. Just looking at you probably hurt him a great deal.

Have you read all that this site has to offer on affairs? If not, please do. You will find so many helpful insights and methods to recover and rebuild.

Take care of you and your little angel.
Loni

Newday-

I did the same thing, I don't know why, I was actually having SF with my WH while the affair was on-going and I knew it.

Sex remained the only time I felt close to him up until the time I went to plan B this time, and the affair ended 8 months ago (although contact never did).

Hope this helps. It is a good sign that he's trying so hard....just keep plugging away <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

I would sure worry about having sex with him. Has he been tested for STD's?

Oh, you are right they should both be tested, especially since she's pregnant....you have to forgive me, I'm all discombobulated tonight.

-Caren

Thanks to those of you who took the time to respond. I have already addressed the STD issue. They used a condom and I actually believe him when he told me this. I asked him multiple times and the last time I asked was when he was to the point where he was being honest and telling me whatever I needed to know.

Today is a hard day again. I just feel down with constant images of them together coming to mind. My husband is like a different man though. He's like his old self again, the way he was before the affair. He is really trying. This is just such a hard healing process. So much pain and so many horrific memories. Everything reminds me of what happened, the songs at work, my clothes, the calendar...everything! All I can do right now it try to be the best wife I can be. I am reading the books and he is going to too. I just so wish this never happened.

On another note, could a WS go throgh withdrawl over a weeks time? Especially if it had been a month and a half since he had seen the OW? He did continue contact over his cell phone, but she's in another state so he could not see her. I feel like the first week after the affair was exposed he was quieter and in a shell. This week he seems to really be coming out of that shell and getting back to normal. Could withdrawl happen that quickly?

Hi Newday2,
My husband had an affair with someone from another state (I'm in Oz) and it went on for 10 months, with me finding out about it 3 times. The whole time the affair was going on, I knew in my heart that it was. When it was truly over, I could tell. My husband was the way he used to be. It's so hard to explain without going into so much detail and taking up pages and pages in this forum.
I too could not believe that someone I loved and trusted so much could betray me so completely. Believe me, it does get better. We are 17 months from the end of the affair. At first it felt like I would never get over the pain. I actually wanted to leave on the day I found out the whole truth (which included a pregnancy, thousands of lent dollars, among just a few things). my husband actually cried and begged me to stay, and I am so glad I did. While what he did will never be far from my mind, it is now bearable. A lot of this I owe to the people on this site. I don't often post, I just read a lot of the posts here. They have helped me so much to understand and cope with what has happened.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you and your husband can work it out. Like my husband, your husband seems to want to work it out, and that is half the battle won. Read everything you can here and apply it to your situation.
About the STD's. I know you say you believe your husband when he says he used a condom, but make him have the tests anyway. My husband swore that he used a condom each time but there was one time he didn't and that was the time the skank supposedly got pregnant. No baby ever came of it and I sincerely doubt it was true, but you never know. Your health and the health of your baby are too important to risk.
As far as the sex goes, I too found myself wanting it more after I found out about the affair, although I will admit that it did fizzle out for quite a while after the end of the affair, a lot to do with everything I found out. We just seem to be getting back on track now.
As far as the withdrawal goes, I can't help you with that one. When I found out the whole truth my husband had already ended the affair of his own choice (vindictive ****** didn't like that and it was her trying to ring him repeatedly a couple of weeks later that led him to having to tell me the truth, as she was threatening to. Believe me, it gave me great pleasure when she did ring me to tell me all the sordid details to be able to say I knew about it all). I don't think my husband went through withdrawal as when the affair ended it was something he wanted. He told me that he had wanted it to end for a long time but he just found himself getting deeper and deeper in trouble and didn't know how to get out without hurting me. Little did he think about how everything he did to cover what he was doing was making it worse. Thinking back at the time, the period from when he ended the affair and when she tried to contact him, he was a happier person.
Gee, I seem to have waffled on a bit, sorry about that. I hope I have been of some help to you. just remember that if you love your husband and you both want to work at he marriage, you have it made.
Reewil.

You still need to tell your doctor. There is a thread on here about STDs. Some can be passed in other ways and even using a condom.

The images fade- not quickly, but they do. They haven't gone away all together for me. In fact I had them yesterday. I often wonder how I can have flashbacks when I wasn't even there.

Withdrawal is different for everyone. My FWS had already gone through it when I found out, so I am not a good source for that.

As for making love, for me, it became my number one EN. I think I felt like it bound him to me and I wanted to wipe every memory of her out of his mind.

My FWS, was similar to yours in that he was so guilt-ridden I thought he was ill. In fact his blood sugar was out of countrol. After d-day, he changed. He looked healthy, again. Friends who knew nothing of the A, started commenting on how much better he looked.

My husband wanted to move on quickly. I needed time to process all the information. In fact, I am still processing it. We talked about this last night. As time has passed, he is not as uncomfortable with me telling him my progress at processing. He has finally forgiven himself and that makes discussion easier.

hang in there

Hi Newday2,
This is something I just read on another post and after going through it all I totally agree:


"In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Here is a list of things that you must do:

1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression."

Reewil.

Moveforward...you commented on your husband's guilt and I just had to say, isn't guilt a powerful thing? My husband stopped doing everything he did on a regular basis, he even stopped talking to friends and family. I knew deep in my heart he was hiding something that he couldn't face because of the way he was acting about life in general. He couldn't face himself and he couldn't face me. In fact, if I would try to touch him at all, even bump into him accidently he would act as if I was the plague. He also refused to tell me that he loved me etc. Now that I know about the A, he tells me he loves me, he hugs me, calls me the nicknames he used to call me, is intimate with me, calls me all day while I am at work, and talks to me. He wants me to cook dinners again. I remember how before the A he would call me everyday at work all excited and ask me what was for dinner. I knew something was seriously wrong when he started making all his own meals. He was too guilty to watch me cook for him.

You guys give me a lot of hope. It's very hard being pregnant and going through this. I always dreamt about my pregnancy and an A wasn't ever part of the equation. I just want to be the wife I know I can be, have my husband be the husband I know he can be and have the marriage I know we both want. He has told me how badly he wants to be a family and a good father. I just have to take it one day at a time and try my hardest to do what is in my control.

To all of you that have suffered before me, thank you for helping me and posting. I finally feel like I may have found the support group that really need...

Hi Newday2,
I can't even begin to imagine how being in your situation must feel (being pregnant and I assume not long married), my husbands affair began when our eldest daughter had already left home and our youngest was 16 and had her own life, mind you, they both knew that what my husband had done was wrong and have stood by me in their own way.
Yes we have all suffered but we are all stronger for it. We are here for you and you definitely have our support.
Hugs to you,
Reewil.