I hear ya Caren. Waiting as you suggested for others to chime in.

I really think plan-b will drive her insane. I already get so much grief if im not at her beck and call.

So much drama anymore. Tonight is no different. Out doing my laundry, i did not answer the phone very first ring. I did not call her back immediately. Translation to her - Im out with a girl. No, i am doing my laundry. I can not drop what im doing and run to her assistance.. time for guilt and manipulation "then you explain to your children how your girlfriend is more important than them". OMG. 2 or 3 more calls, spaced 20-30 minutes apart. Same crap. guilt, accusations. Her last call was different, she sounded more like the woman i married, no BS. Ok, let me finish off what im doing and I will be right over. She apologized for the way she acted earlier, i finished my deed and went home. Yes she still may have manipulated me. But it took her doing so in a more acceptable manner to me before i gave in, if that makes sense. Tired, cant explain.

--

Hmmmm... im wondering what is going through her mind this morning. Wake up to an email from WW telling me she wants to make some changes in her life. Start going to church, maybe get counsoling, be a better person, to me an everyone else. Something they go through?

--

You do know that all the stuff about putting your imaginary girlfriend ahead of her is projection, right?

Truest form.

Her big guilt flung over on you.

Has nothing to do with you, really, only that she desperately wishes you were the one cheating and destroying the family, not her. However, as you well know from the end you're on, she would be very careful for what she wished for, huh? Devstating pain there, too.

So...Plan B or not Plan B...that is the question.

I was wondering when I'd get to use that line.

Ya think "being a ham" came from Hamlet?

I could be Polonius.

Okay...she was terrified of losing her sons, right? Well, if you are writing a Plan B letter, be sure to include the legal ramifications (as you intimated before) about custody, how much you hurt for your children, yourself and her, too. You see no other way to save your marriage.

Who will be your objective third party?

What do you want her to do to come back to the marriage? NC and transparency, MC? Harley's home study course? What?

One residence?

I vote one residence.

I agree with Caren...time to shut down the Plan A, abruptly, all at once and go dark...can you change your cell #? email? You'll have to plan all of this for cutting off communication except for the kids (only) third party.

'k?

And thank you for promising to get out of the way of her consequences...you weren't really hurt, so...there is no respect, love or acceptance in abuse. Physical abuse has its own level, one that self-degrades in accepting it. Don't do it, please. Ever. Hurt or not...you, your precious soul, was attacked, see? Your heart is in that space around you--how we feel and give affection...when it is hit, slapped or kicked, well, think how damaged we become, beyond being "hurt" in our bodies.

It is a whole other kind of betrayal.

Can you put that in the Plan B letter, please? Anger management help for physical abusers? Once is enough, see? That it has been more than once, well...stipulate.

((((MrLU)))))

LA

One of the hardest things for me and plan-b will be my email and cell. Both are vital to my business. I could always filter out her emails, or bounce them (i own my own servers so i can do that kind of stuff). Guess I will have work that out somehow.

I will begin working out my plan-b plan....

Caren, LA,

Ok, not that I ever believed her, not that I did not expect this from her, but damn...

First i get that email about how she wants to change herself, be a better person, be nicer to me and everybody else....

Then she asks if i was going to leave the house today. Told her yes to run to bank. I was supposed to drop something off to her but she wanted to make sure I did not stop by till after 1pm. She would be out of the office.

She wasnt out of the office. OM was there having lunch with her.

Caren you were right, no-contact my [censored]. I knew it but had no real proof. The lies, hard to swallow sometime.

Edited:

She called me and I was not in such a great mood (work, her BS). Told her i was by her work and saw OM there. She claims he was dropping off some papers for something he got her that he thought she might want and he stuck around why she had lunch. Ok, whatever.. I did not DJ or have AO's. But i was not happy.


--

--

Very hard...they are too big and mean too much.

You're human. You have tried very hard not to be in our life...removed and away, still pain comes in...and now you're not lockedup, but out and pain comes in...

And you're living it. Dealing with it. Doesn't end you.

What a beautiful thing to know...that you wish on stars inside of yourself (as humans do); and you grow and know, hurt and know more...and you're getting to where you have needed to be...slowly, without stopping. You are doing this. Don't doubt.

Nothing that she does or believes is about you. It is about her. That is also being human. Now you truly understand how damaging it is to get in the way of others' consequences.

This is good knowledge, though it hurts terribly. You know you can still be hurt. Because now you can include it in your letter...with truth...no contact letter and transparency, because she has lied and lied...to herself and to you.

Get the legal stuff done. Can you do both? Serve legal seperation notice and Plan B letter?

You're still on that hero's journey...nothing weak about any of this...your heart is growing stronger with each vulnerable place you fall, and rise from. You heart will end up more open and accepting, not protecting, as long as you know what you are capable of--which is a lot.

LA

It's time for Plan B my pretty......start typing up that letter.

Put it up here first so we can all see it, and by all means, while you're preparing.....do an ALL OUT PLAN A EFFORT. Knock her socks off.....then leave her HIGH AND DRY.

(Your Plan B won't last long)

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks Caren, La!

I am going through the forum looking for other plan-b letters to get a better feel for what should go into it. I am trying to get creative for more plan-a over the next few days till I can go b....

La, I do not think i can do the legal stuff and plan-b at the same time. Money, I just do not have any to do it right now. Tough time in that department last few weeks, big time. This whole thing is breaking me financially.

Caren, yes I will post my letter her for all to critique and help me get it right. I may need alot of help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks

--NotSoLockedUpAnymore...

Long night, not WW related (have not heard a peep from her this evening). A question did pop into my mind.

Since W became a WW, she has this entire new set of friends. People I never even met before. Alot of her friends she had before (people we were both friends with) she does not really communicate with that I am aware of.

Is this normal? I mean, this complete new set of friends. I suspect they are people met through OM. Do WS's normally keep those 'new' friends around when they become FWS's?

Dont even ask why i am asking. I dont even know. Just something I have wondered. Not really important.

I did not get squat done on anything plan-b. Why? Oh man this has be both excited and scared. A possible job change. Spent the last few hours working out the terms for me accepting a position with a large internet security company... right up my alley.

If you read early on in my post you will see mention of my current job, good job gone crappy, crappy partner, oh it sucks. So much stress. I need to get rid of it.

This new job, if it becomes reality how much easier my life would be. I dont think im even going to mention this job to WW, as if it happens it will be within a few weeks and I will be in plan-b by then.

Just worried that all of this happening now, new job, plan-b... i dunno, i worry.

So, excited.. and scared...

--NotSoLockedUpAnymore

MrLocked-

Yeah, it's normal to get a "new set of friends" because the old set isn't going to agree with what the WS is doing.

I made a post asking the MBers to give you the Plan B letter template from SAA, and linked it to this post, hopefully it'll give you some ideas.

God Bless,

-Caren

Here ya go - from SAA:

Quote:

My Dear Sue,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends, Jane and Paul, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But, I will not be there when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children, or any other matter, it will have to be done through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, and I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.


With my love,

Jon

Thanks Caren and ML!

I have the books, also got several examples hopefully i can get something done tonight for show.

Still trying to plan-a, not much opportunity. She is very dark with me now, almost seems like she is on a mini plan-b of her own. Still working it though. Tonight is kids night for me.

Thanks

--

Oh yeah.....they do that.....You just step up your efforts and do over the top stuff like, stop by and bring take out from her favorite restaurant (Don't offer to stay...but if she asks .... so much the better). Buy her something she's had her eye on. Buy her a potted plant the means eternity or something a blue violet means Watchfulness, Faithfulness, I'll always be true.....just add a card with the meaning, and leave it on the porch. Leave an envelope on her porch that is filled with bunch of hearts....you can cut them out or you can buy them like confetti.

Stuff like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

Caren

P.S. Are the boys ever there alone while she's at work??? If so, you could fill the living room with helium filled heart shaped balloons.

Just got back from dropping off the boys. Guess im on course then. I just now read your comments caren. She went home from work sick today so i left her a somewhat mushy hope you feel better note on her van for her to wake up to. Course I had a few more accidental plan-a opportunities too though. Like the potted flower on porch idea, even the letter with confetti..

I was kind of rushed to get out of there though. I found out that OM was out with my boys and her last night (remember he had lunch with her yesterday too), yeah, its broke off. I totally expected this really. But i got so angry thinking of the lying. I ALMOST said something about it, which would of probably turned into DJ'ing and AO's. So left, pleasently.

Forgot to add, no, the boys are never home alone. She is very protective of them and will not allow that. DS10 goes to a friend of hers after school and DS12 goes to OM's home, and continues to do so even though I have been fighting it since I found out.

Hoping to have plan-b letter tonight or in am.

--

You ever talk to your WS.. and you have absolutely no clue what to talk about. Just having a conversation. Happening to me more and more. I call to check on the boys about their bedtime, something I said i would start doing. Opportunity to talk, no idea what to say.

Maybe its the tone in her voice. To me it feels like 'you better watch what you say' kinda tone. Geez.

Thought just entered my mind....This all sucks..

--

OMG i cant believe im doing this. I dont know why i am doing this.

I went to WW's email at yahoo and tried logging in, im in, im looking at everything right up to just before dday, i see how it all started, etc..

I will be here all night looking at this crap. I cant believe i am doing this to myself.

This f'ing OM has been staying at WW's home... oh man.. with my kids there..

do i let her know of the snooping im doing..

im finding out so much stuff she is doing behind my back.. she is filing for d or something, never bothered telling me.

these guys are in so deep, they share my emails, they have a not so colorful name for me..

god im so stupid.

God I wont be sleeping at all....

Their WW and OM's relationship started around December 6th 2005, just talking confiding, few day later they were a little more serious, he went shopping with her on dec 9th (she lied to me about that night), that weekend is when things got more serious, by the 12th he loves her, by the 15th, get this

"All I can say is that I won't let you go. I've searched my entire life to find you and now that it's within grasp I can't let go. You really don't have any idea how much you mean to me, do you? I love you every bit as much as you love me. I refuse to let some butthole come between us."

"I need you and I think you need me.

We were meant to be together.

I love you Hollie. Please don't let me go."

"You're the love of my life and I'll never let you go"

In a few weeks, all of this. What the f! ever...

I wish i wouldnt of read her mails. I cant believe the trash talk she is doing me, some true, most exagurated beyond beliefe. She makes me out to be this monstor.

Damn.. I havent hardly worked on my plan-b. From what im seeing she will share it with him and they will sit and make little jokes about it. Sad... i am..

--PissedOffLockedUp..

Confirmed. She signed D papers on Mar 7th with an attorney, paid for by OM no doubt.

I feel so screwed.....and about a gazillion other horrible things... self inflicted i know.

What now?

God i feel like such a baby to keep posting. My new biz partner is offering to put me up if i wanted to move 2 hours north for a little while.

Is this something I should consider? Going plan-b. I do not know what I would do about seeing my children. But things here with current partner and now D bs.. Dunno.

Looking for suggestions...