First and foremost I have been in this vicious circle for far to long. Four years now to be exact. I have allowed myself to put my life on hold with hopes that my WH would open his eyes ,make any necessary changes and come home. Instead he makes promises of tomorrow , that we will start all over someday and be one happy family. Him , my 2 yo DS and myself. That is the great big fantasy.
Instead, he still shares a home with OW#2 and her kids. He is moving into a house that she is purchasing. At first he said he was just getting a 6 mo lease and would be back 6 months is now 2 years 2 months. I still accept his phone calls and call him myself. We text daily. But I noticed I have become very frustrated with how things have turned out.

WH used to drink daily. He was very abusive, he abused OW#1 and OW #2, he slapped me once and threw me against the wall once. Then left home. He became very suicidal had multiple women and would come crashing down every time OW #2 would run back to her husband. I would come to the rescue. I would buy him food, wash his laundry listen to his pain for another woman and then she would come back and I was nobody again. I enabled him to treat me this way and I am tired of it now. I don’t know how to stop missing him. I know I deserve better than this. Who wouldn’t? I am young and I want a life already.

On Sept 7 the last time OW#2 left him, he said that was it. He would never drink again. He would never raise his hand to another and he would get his life in control. I was there the whole time through the worst of it all. I went with him to church, AA, IC sessions. And he did stop drinking threw himself into work. Took care of himself. And even started to smile again. Of course OW #2 saw this and came back looking for him. He took her back and once again. I was noone. I asked him today what was my purpose in his life? I know I don’t have one. I got angry and told him, I was the one there through everything and he made all these wonderful changes and she gets to be with him. Why?

Why do I even ask?
Somebody please tell me how to stop this cycle. I see so many people get feedback on these boards and I have lurked for years. I don’t get hardly any feedback. Just help me to get on the right path. I am happy he changed but honestly I hate that all my pain and tears were wasted on what? Nothing? I am still without him and don’t even know why I still care.

J

J (me) 30, WH 29
Together 09/91
Married 02/96
DD1 11/01
OC 04/02
DD2 10/03
WH left 11/03
Divorcing , sooner than he knows 03/2006

I think you are on the right path --- honestly, he does not much sound like a *prize* to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Can you move closer to your parents or something, where you'll have more of a support system?

---- and you want this man around your child because ...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I dont think he would ever hurt his child and he has made alot of changes and that anger is not there anymore. I know this may just be an excuse , once he stopped drinking and started going to anger management classes he has gotten control over alot of his issues. But as for our child, I dont believe he would ever hurt him and I hope to God I am right about this.

Hello, and welcome here. Sorry you're going thru this.

I'm not sure I would be the expert you need here, however, I still wanted to respond to you.

I'm divorced. My X drank, used drugs, and cheated. He also went to church, AA, me to Al-Anon. Al-Anon truly opened my eyes to choices, and how to depend on my self and God, for happiness.

Once I decided to leave, this was when he wanted to come around, and "fix" things. By then, it was too late. We tried to fix it SOOO many times, the trust was just gone.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but my suggestion to you is, whether you decide to work it out, or not, would be to, just NOT make yourself available to him, at this time. Once you become stronger, and more in charge of your emotions, and appear to be UN-interested, is when they usually see you as more attractive, and "suddenly" want to rethink their actions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This is just my thought. I would be cautious of any more physical abuse. That is a line which should never be crossed, and would call for some attention, as well as the drinking.

Hang around, and read the material here, and get to know some of the fine people here! There's alot of wisdom and support on this site! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer68

Are you willing to have your child growing up in an environment where a man might hit a woman now and then?

OTP,

Your story is very touching. Clearly you are a wonderful wife, mother, and person. Your next husband will be thrilled when you find each other.

As for your current H... he is so greatful for you also. You've been his safety net and have made much of this easier for him to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Time to let him fall down and pick himself back up.

so there is a child of a previous affair???

What do your parents say about all of this?

OTP,
You know, I've posted lots here about my own situation and I've read a lot of others' posts.

There are some similarities between your situation and mine. You've definitely come to the right place for some great advice and some great insight into these kinds of situations.

When someone else reads these posts they can clearly point out the issues and red flags that, to us, are so hard to see because we are emotionally involved in the situation. It's easy to tell someone else what they should do in their situation but it's so hard to put into motion in your own.
(Not meant as a slam to anyone here. I'm actually talking to myself!!!!!)


I think you and I are in the same mindframe, also. These folks can give some awesome advice and support but, we have to take the final step to move forward.

We have to decide to:
1) remain where we are fence-sitting
2) move forward w/some plan for reconciliation (Plan A/B, etc.)
3) move forward w/divorce

That's the hard part.

I earnestly pray that God will give you guidance and then peace to do what needs to be done.

OnthePath05, you are on the right path now. I don't see that you can do anything more than you have. As Pepper said, you do not need your husband's example, as an adulterer or abuser, around for your children to pick up inappropriate behavioral patterns. Additionally, you deserve a life too. Four years more than enough to put your life on hold waiting for an actual commitment that probably will never come. Words are cheap. His actions give the lie to his words. Lady, it's time to move on. You have my best wishes for a better life I'm sure is just ahead.

Pepper,
No not at all. My son is with his dad 2 days every week. He picks him up from daycare on tuesday and drops him off on Friday morning, then I get him back. When it comes to DS I have never seen that side of him. You ask about OC from OW#1 he does have a son who will be 4 in April. He no longer sees his son or speaks to OW #1. She made the decison that it was best for her and her son to not be part of his life at all and she took him and WH has not heard or seen him in 2 years.