Or "honest". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Please. Let's use the language as it is meant. They aren't "Plan B'ing" you -- because they don't have a plan.

Plan B begins with a formulaic letter stating terms to resume communication. It is a strategy to either 1) keep your love intact for recovery; or 2) protect your feelings and pave the way for divorce.

The A is merely following impulses. It isn't a plan.

Hi slammed...How are you?

How was your weekend?

I did good (check my thread)
WH made no attempts to contact me...I am a little disappointed.

Cha-cha:

A bit of a threadjack since you said it over here.

I used to feel the same way about my H's NC during PLAN B.

However, since then, I have learned from my FWH that it was a GOOD THING. He was TRYING to make it work with the OW and she was FAILING.

You see, being with the OW 24/7, she will have to meet ALL of your WH's needs and he will get to see you she REALLY is..there's a low likelihood that she can keep the FANTASY going all of the time....

And plus, look at how much YOU are growing PERSONALLY, learning to do things all on your own.

mimi thanks. I wish I could be a fly on the wall sometimes. I tried to do things MY way (not MB way) last year when he left...it didn't work. I am determined to do a good plan B. It was difficult not to eavesdrop when the kids were talking to him. I forced myself to go outside or in the bathroom and run the water. Then Not ask the kids what he was doing this weekend.

I once told WH that I would whatever I needed to do to protect my family. Right now that is plan B.

(I'm gonna paste this to my thread too)

Yikes- I posted twice on the weekend and once this morning
and none of them are here- don't know what's up with that !

My weekend was okay. I managed to stay busy and tried not
to think of H and what we would normally have done on a
holiday weekend.
Had a haircut Friday night, then rented some movies and
picked up some "take-out" food. Laughed when I read my
"fortune" which said "You have the endurance for the long
haul"- I hope so ! (and it's certainly been long enough
already !)
Woke up in the early morning hours of Sat feeling sick and
hot- later got back to sleep but felt tired and still sort
tired all day. I did manage to work on the rocks outside
(nothing like yardwork to make you feel "out of shape"),
also did some housework, got groceries, and watched a movie.

Sunday I had a nice, long talk with my best friend, then
ran errands, went shopping, and enjoyed lunch at a new
place in town.

Yesterday my parents came over for lunch, and stayed to
help on the yardwork, and I later finished up my housework
and had time for a long soak in the tub, doing my nails,
face mask, self-tanner, etc. and then watched a cute movie.
("Last Holiday"- it was good and funny)

ChaCha-
Yes, we are definitely "Plan B" partners. Hope we can also
follow each other right into "Recovery" soon !
Your weekend activities sounded great ! I would have loved
to see the boardwalk, smell the ocean and try the vinegar/
salt fries ! I am in Colorado and is scenic and beautiful
but no water <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you did a great job of keeping down the thoughts
of H and I understand what you mean about feeling some
dissapointment that WH didn't try to contact- same here.
Guess my "sub-conscious" was thinking about it though-
I dreamed that WH took OW to one of our favorite resort
towns and she didn't like, so they got in a big fight.
Also dreamed that OW and WH were busy all weekend because
they were moving her OUT of WH's house !! (wishful thinking)

Your comment about WH having a complicated history and him
not wanting to "need" me was RIGHT on. That's an issue he
was initially working on with his IC, so I hope he's still
going. (I'll know in a few weeks when I receive the insur.
statement)

Mimi-
Thanks for the reminder that WH may be trying to "make it
work" with OW but that she will FAIL. I hope they are both
bingeing so much that they make themselves SICK !
I'm stil "stumped" when it comes to anything they have in
common, and how all the lies and deception that have already
come to light (and in their knowledge) have left them with
anything to hold on to, but I guess that's obsession and/or
addiction in action.
You're right- I don't want ANY part of WH, don't want JUST
part of H, and don't want him at all, until HE wants me.
Last time we did actually "talk" (prior to the land sale)
he was still very "wishy-washy", not saying he didn't for
sure want to work things out, but not saying he did either,
so nothing new. How long can a person stay on a fence,
anyway !!?

NSYN-
Very true ! There's been nothing honest in that "relation-
ship" from the first day WH "met" OW online, through this
very day. From what I know, they don't seem to have one
single thing in common, except their involvement in this
very sick affair, and the disastrous consequences it has
already had- maybe that is their "connection".

A.M.- Excellent reminder that the A is nothing but a
hormone/adrenalin-induced "free for all" with no rhyme,
reason, logic, or plan-

Hurting- I understand exactly how you feel. Seems both our
WH's are very busy pretending to be "happy" while they are
tightly controlled by insecure and paranoid OW. If it's
going to take a lightning bolt to make them see the light,
wish it'd go ahead and strike !!

Slammed

Rest of the day was quiet and uneventful~ did a few things
around the house and talked to a good friend tonight.

Feel both relieved and disappointed that WH has not tried
to contact me. Doesn't seem that odd though, since he had
gone to "no contact" himself, prior to the PBLetter.

Had another "private caller" on the phone tonight, so went
ahead and answered and it wasn't Guuess I've been wrong
in thinking it's been OW all this time. That's a little
disappointing because I thought her calling probably meant
there was "trouble in paradise" -

Felt anxious tonight and after thinking about it, I think
I am feeling worried that WH is going to continue to "push"
about his wanting to put the house up for sale.
Once he has an idea in his head he has usually followed
through with it, so I doubt he will "let up".
My best friend, who is in the mortgage business, reminded
me that he may be anxious to sell more so he can have the
debt off his credit and make it easier for him to get a
new loan on than other house, than he is to just be rid of
the payments, which I hadn't thought about.
Can't imagine he'd really think the house would be sold
and closed on before August though, and it'd have to be all
done to be beneficial on a loan, I think anyway.
Had the creepy thought that perhaps WH will try to include
OW on the loan, so he can use her income too.

If we/I have to end up selling it because WH won't/doesn't
have to continue paying towards it and I can't afford it
alone, it seems like that would be the "last straw" as far
as us being able to reconcile, doesn't it ?
Seems like losing my home and having to find a place I can
afford and qualify for (will be very difficult if I do lose
my job in July) or stay with my parents for awhile might
be beyond forgiveness and recovery..... just feeling sad
about it tonight.

ChaCha- I sure agree with your comments about being a fly
on the wall. I 'm sure my idea of how things are with OW
and WH could be all wrong, however they are still together
so it must not be that bad....

Slammed

isn't it sad slammed how much we lose because of this?

-we lose our beliefs in the vows of marraige and our innocent belief that there may be a "happily ever ever"
-we lose the feeling of having a partner to count on through good times and bad...unconditionally
-some of us lose our homes
-some of us lose our jobs
-some of us lose parts of who we are

it doesn't matter, in the end, how much stronger we become

we never deserved to lose anything so that someone else could find happiness.....at our expense

Slammed,

If your WH can't get a mortgage on the new house, too bad. Please, please do NOT budge from your house unless you are ordered to sell by a judge because of a divorce settlement. If your DH starts leaving you messages trying to pressure you to sell, respond by email for him to have his lawyer contact yours. Stay out of it and drag it out as long as possible. I sure wouldn't give up your home, so he can set up a nice, new place with the skank.

This is the beauty of Plan B. If he has no access to you, he can't try to manipulate you into doing what he wants. And you'll keep getting stronger.

Have you thought about taking some evening/weekend classes to keep you busy, so you don't have time to speculate so much what the two sleazebags are doing? It could help you retrain for a new job and focus on something else.

Hang in there.

Your MISSION now is to begin to increase your sense of PERSONAL POWER.

You come across as feeling that your WH has more POWER than you..that you are POWERLESS..and you HAVE to do what HE wants you to do..BULL CRAP!!

I don't agree with EAV. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOSE! HE is the ONE the will LOSE. If he decides to stay with the OW, it will be HIS LOST of a PRECIOUS JEWEL and he is settling for crumbs.

This has been the GIFT of my H's AFFAIR to me. My self-esteem is even stronger and, guess what, my H finds this to BE ATTRACTIVE!!! During PLAN B, he noticed this and said to himself, "Oh, Oh, I'm about to LOSE HER!!"

Now is the time to develop your PERSONAL MISSION PLAN.

I relied on my FAITH. I trusted in the LORD and knew that HE would TAKE CARE OF ME AND PROVIDE FOR ME as long as I trusted and BELIEVED in HIM. I am no missionary so I can't advocate this for you...but whatever it takes, Slammed, FOCUS ON TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF AND PUTTING YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN NEEDS FIRST NOW.

Prior to my H's affair, I had not worked full-time after my children were born. Once suspecting that my H was having an A, I happened to find a job posting, applied and got the job within ONE WEEK!!!

If I were you, I would work on finding a more stable job or working something out with your present employer. Perhaps they would understand if you explain the pressures that you are under in your personal life. If not, I would suggest pursuing a job that does not rely on sales.

Next, I agree with GROWNUP. Do not move out of house to make it easy for him. How deceitful and disrespectful of him! I think your friend is absolutely right about him wanting to qualify to purchase that home. If your job situation is more secure, you can likely qualify for another home especially using the equity from your present home but don't put the house up for sale unless you want to do this and only under legal advisement. I put my house up for sale because I did not want to live there anymore. That was the turning point..scared my H..because he knew I was moving on..began to encourage me to find a NEW HOUSE that we could live in TOGETHER..which is where we are now..not saying that this will happen for you...

The main thing is for you to GAIN YOUR PERSONAL STRENGTH...

I also pursued trying to take different courses..see if this works for you..didn't for me..

But I developed HOBBIES such as GARDENING and PHOTOGRAPHY which I continue to pursue actively...WITH MY H now...

Take this as an opportunity to BECOME A NEW AND BETTER YOU...

Slammed,

You're the one with the power here. You're in the house and he can't get you out unless you reach a settlement and he can't sell it if you won't let him. On the other hand, he can't screw up his credit, so you have no worries about him continuing to make the mortgage payment. You've got him over a barrel.

He deserves to be in this situation. Don't feel sorry for him. He's not feeling sorry for you. Understand where you've got the upperhand in this crappy situation he's forced you into and use it to your advantage while you decide what to do next with your life. And like Mimi says, the more you stand up to him, the more he's going to find you attractive. So, it's win-win for you.

Ya never know...this past weekend I was talking to an ex-friend of my WH. In the height of the A my WH hung out this guy and friend of OW. A 4some of EA. They reminded me of highschool kids on double date with childish behavior and flirting. "Oh no we are just friends"...the group they used each other as cover...anyway this guy (TG) was totally into OWF (other woman's friend). TG was married, W had a drinking problem that got really bad during this time...further justified affair.

When TG & OWF EA was turning toward PA OWF cut contact w/TG confessed to her H and chose her M. TG totally fogged... pined for her and allowed his W to D him, only took 3 months. He was so sure OWF was his soulmate. She is still w/her H. TG now D moves in with new GF...worse drinker than his W, she becomes violant, he takes it. When I was speaking w/ him he said the best time of his life was before he ever met OW and OWF.( H & I socialized w/TG & his W.) "I look back and we had everything and threw it all away, for what?"

He is living in his private ******, his W has moved on.
Just cause he's there doesn't mean he's happy. He just needs to figure it out for himself.

Don't know what the deal is, but I've tried twice today to
post a long, thoughtful message, and both times have tried
to submit and gotten an error message saying "the form you are trying to submit is invalid". Don't have the time or
energy to re-write it all, so will give a brief update on
the day-

Worked this morning, then ran some errands and headed to
an appointment at the dermatologist. Probably sounds very
minor, but since I am a real chicken and very needle-phobic
anything medical is a trauma for me. I had some little skin
"tags" around my neck that I thought were ugly, so had gone
to get them removed. Ended up having 22 done ! (and my neck
is sure "stinging" tonight). While there, the Dr. also saw
a spot on my arm that he thought needed to be removed, so
had to numb it (yes, requires a needle) and take it off,
to be biopsied. Ended up not being too bad, and I felt a
bit proud of myself for handling it okay.

Came home for awhile, then had my IC session, which went well. Talked about WH's recent behavior, going to Plan B,
my torn feelings on what to do with the house, etc.

Got home and had a very strange message on the phone-
it was from WH.
Said "Why had I not returned his calls regarding getting the
house up for sale ?" (Didn't get any calls ! )
Went on to say that "I couldn't avoid getting this done since we were divorcing and there was no choice, that he had been very patient and I'd had lots of time to find a place, that I had known for months that we needed to get it up for sale, that he was not going to continue to pay on it when he was not staying here, that I needed to "move on", that he would be glad when we were divorced and wouldn't need to talk to, see, or deal with each other, that we had agreed we would split the land sale proceeds and the house sale and he hoped I was not going to try to go back on that agreement (there wasn't one), and that I shouldn't even be thinking of trying to get anything from HIS house because I had nothing to do with it and hadn't paid a cent on it, and that he'd take it court if he had to and win....."
Then he hung up!

I was rather stunned and listened to it a couple times.
Realized as I listened that it sounded very "staged", like
someone was listening to it, or it was for "show". !!!?

Could it be that OW is questioning why his "divorce" is
taking so long ? (I know he has told her that he filed all
the paperwork and I'm the one "holding things up") so he
had to act "tough", like he was really "laying down the law"
??
Perhaps something happened or they got in a fight because
she is pressuring and pushing for D, wanting more committ-
ment, fussing about the finances, or his having "ties" to
me and obligations to the M ?? Maybe she is threatening
to move out or leave him if he doesn't get it done ?

Tried to remember this was all from the WS, and just a bunch
of "babble" and not take any of it to heart, but the part
about his "being glad when we didn't have to see, talk, or
deal with each other" did hurt a bit. I know better than
to take it all seriously, but it does makes me scared that he will file, just to appease her !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Also don't understand why he sounded so angry. Our last
"dealing" with each other at the land sale was "amicable"
and ended on a pleasant note, and we've not talked or had
anything happen since.

Anything I can/should do ? Just ignore the message ??
Slammed

ignore.
ignore
ignore..,.

talk about a conversation to get attention.....

ingnore...

do not ruminate
do not replay
erase
ignore

and for five minutes you have permission to picture in your head your husband sitting on the OW's lap.....with her hand on the back of his neck....moving his lips and mouth to form all words that come out of his mouth...

in the other hand she controls all the strings she has him tied to...

just like a marrionette that doubles as a ventriloquists doll....

blah blah blah blah......

then push that image away....

ARK

You're dealing with an alcoholic, not just a wayward husband...

And he's choosing to be with someone he knows will enable that primary love affair... it's not her; it's it.

They will have nothing in common when he finally seeks freedom from the booze.

Slammed,

Send him an email with as short of sentences as you can use to convey your meaning clearly:

"I'm not discussing legal issues with you. Address your legal concerns to my attorney, Mr. X at this phone number.

Please refer to the letter I gave you about other contact."

Do you think he could be reading here? It's sort of suspicious timing....

What a [censored]. Do not let him get to you.

kayla..

you nailed this one...
he's so good at this crap I forget.....

NO CONTACT

ARK

Yeah, Ark's right. No email. No contact. Let him stew. Plan B is working it's magic...

He can't manipulate you anymore, because he can't access you. If he keeps leaving you nasty messages, change your phone number and get an intermediary. You could just let your attorney file for LS and all communication could go through his office.

Do not play your WH's sick little games. You're doing great and taking the high road, while he's slumming.

Thanks,all- the phone incident did leave me feeling strange
and it didn't help that I was uncomfortable from the medical
treatment, and that we had a huge thunderstorm that made the
dog crazy last night. I was tired and flustered this morning
and accidentally locked myself out of the house without my
car keys, so had to call and have my Dad bring the spare
key- not a great way to start the day !

The more I thought about things, I think the whole phone
thing must have been "staged" for OW's. WH just sounded too "phoney" and not like he really talks, so she must be really pushing or questioning him and he had to make a little "show" for her benefit.

Ark- I love the image of WH sitting on Ow's lap so she can
move his lips, because it's so accurate. She's had him on
a very short leash all along, which has been pretty pathetic
to see- so unlike my real H and the way he used to be.

KaylaAndy-(like your name) WH isn't an alcoholic, but he
does have lots of issues (is bipolar and has obsessive-
compulsive disorder). I think of of the very few things he
may have in common with OW is that she seems to be very
obsessive too. I wonder if their having had an unplanned
pregnancy last year, and OW being with WH when he got DUI
at Christmas are also "holding them together" in some sick
way. You'd think that would cause resentment instead, not
closeness, but these aren't "normal" people.

Grownup- Thanks for always boosting my spirits by showing
such confidence in me. I hope that WH will see that his
tactic didn't work and leave things alone so I have time
to decide what I want to do about the house. I talked to
IC about it and there were pros and cons to selling, but
I'm still torn.
I don't "have" an attorney as I don't have the money to put
one on "retainer", but have done "free consultation" several
times to ask questions, and can also hire him "by the hour"
to consult or have him review paperwork as needed.
However, WH doesn't know this, so the mention of a lawyer
might be enough to "chill" him out. I don't think he's
talked to one at all, but if he does he will find out that
the things I've told him about splitting things, etc. are
true.

I hate that WH always directs his "wrath" towards me, when
I've been reasonable, honest, calm and cool in all the
dealings we've had, but WH has done the same thing before
when wanting to sell our third vehicle last year, or our
land sale recently. He comes up with an idea, makes a "plan"
and presents it to me, expecting I'll just "go along" with
it, then gets mad if I ask questions or don't agree.
In both cases previously he ranted, raves, fussed, cussed,
and had a fit, but then hours or days later had calmed down
and "conceded" to a compromise or my plan.

I am nervous that OW's pressure, his apparent money "crunch"
and him being angry now are going to push him to file D...

Slammed