I don't think you are going wrong...I think they are acting like a pack of wolves. I was also feeling attacked. Not a friendly discussion type attitude being presented here.

But, that's just my opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Challenging your opinion is not an "attack." But calling someone a "pack of wolves" IS a personal attack. AND a disrespectful judgement, to boot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hey....that was a nice little zinger thrown my way Mr Wondering....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />I bet you don't know how to do an intraluminal shunt for treating a proximal superior mesenteric artery injury.....nahna nahna nahna nahna.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM

My 0.2c.

If my H hadn't exposed to the OM's W the A would probably still be continuing today.

He exposed about 9 months after d-day, the A had been over for nearly a year. I was waffling and there was every chance I would contact the OM. There was also every chance the OM would contact me.

Exposure killed everything stone dead and we haven't looked back.

that sounds GROSS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Sounds to me like sticking something somewhere to stop lots of blood coming out.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, in my opinion, there is no more credible person to attest to this than a WS who has "lived" this. This case above is another perfect reason why I think exposure to the OP spouse is of extreme paramount importance.

My main issue has alot to do with moral obligations, etc...regarding exposure....but this post above gives additional strong credence to those who still think "letting it go" may be best....in the face of a WS who has given up contact.

KiwiJ, thanks for your thoughts.

LM

Any time Lem. How are your pens?

Perfect lem,

Fine, Lem make your case. or not, this my chalange tto you and all who have attacked my position in my case. None of you have even attempted to explain your reasoning concerning my particular situatiion in spite of your 100% reasoning that you ar correct.
IMHO you are totally WRONG !
All Blessings,
Jerry

There's even a follow up to the exposure.

I bumped into the OM last year and to everyone's horror on the board I spoke to him.

First thing he said was "did you know that your H told my W?"

I said "yes". He said I will have to tell her that I saw you - it's now our rule.

I said "yep, same here."

I wonder what he'd have said if he thought he could still get away with it.

Like I said, stone dead.

Jerry, I AGREED with your position. So did LM.

Jerry:

Truthfully, I suspect there is alot of hostility here and I am not quite sure what the fu^$ you are still talking about with regards to "attcaking" your position.

WHO ATTACKED YOUR POSITION? TELL ME WHAT WAS SAID THAT YOU FEEL WAS "ATTACKING".

White Daisy and Mr Wondering have made the case for still exposing to the Other Betrayed Spouse IN YOUR SITUATION. They were comments, potential suggestions.....do what you want with them...NOONE said you should do this, or that what you were doing now was/is wrong. So, whatever set you off, get over it please..or spell it out like we are three year olds and tell us what it is that is UPSETTING you so much. SPELL IT OUT...cause I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is utterly dumbfounded here with your continued anger here.

Lem

Uhhhh...bad question here. You know how we are always talking about the "addictive" nature of affairs, etc....well, let me tell you...fine writing fountain pens have now become my "addcition". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I am obsessed with my pen collection. My mother was over the other day and she looked in my home study and saw my collection (pens priced from $195.00 to over $900.00) and nearly freaked. She doesn't "get it"....and neither does anyone else in the family. They call me a pen snob....LOL. It is a very particular hobby, and I suspect 99.9% of people here also won't understand it.....that's ok....we all have our quirks.

Thanks for asking. The pens are doing great, and as we speak I am perusing the various sites trying to decide if I want to pulll the trigger on a Cartier Diablo extra fine fountain pen with a 21K nib.....decisions, decisions.....if I stay on line much longer, this thing is gonna get purchased...someone help me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM

Wow, step away for some real life and look at what I come back too.
Yikkes!

shine through, (you did ask me so):
As these are all just opinions ........I'm not under any illusion that your ever going to tell.
So were not debating as if we're trying to change your mind.
Cool? Good.

Next,
Not sure how telling this woman would in any way destroy Your M.
Again,
sounds like every other BS I've ever read who had a bunch of "fears" that THIS or THAT or THE OTHER "just might" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />happen .......hence their reason for Not exposing.

As a BS I'm always fascinated how much resistant BS's sound just like the Rationalizing that goes with foggy WS's.
You know,
the whole One person getting to decide for another Exactly "what is" & and "what isn't" relevant information for another.

And especially when its done under the guise of "its best for them" --- Basically assuming someone ELSE knows what's best for me.

Or even better yet, that its done to somehow PROTECT the other persons Feelings or situation.
Wow, does that sound like WS speak or What???

Well,
after going through this first hand,
I'll be More than happy to get all the information and THEN **I'll** Decide what is Best for me.

Sure,
telling a victim simple "factual information" is not harmful.
The acts themselves are, (And any repercussions come from that)
but honesty is simply reveling truth to the victim.

As to your request (your question),
In your case,
its not about "getting" someone or destroying a M.

No,
its giving this person Information that is relevant to their life.

Why MIGHT this woman still appreciate knowing?
Many possibilities:
Such as giving her Peace with her decision to divorce (as she'd now have Proof that her H was a serial Cheat).
I could see her beating herself up if her H is still holding the company line that this was ONE (single) ONS, and how could she NOT give him another chance.
That would be a personal one.

ON a broader note:
Few WS come forth willingly (especially if not reconciling) ....so he could be further Muddying her reputation (to family, friends, community, church) as a cold uncaring unforgiving witch....with his Poor, poor me "I only made ONE mistake".

Next:
You could help sway her mind one way or the other if she's considering reconciling with this man (without all the facts mind you).
[And we've seen people divorce and get back together on this very board].

A huge reason is to FILL in the Missing Pieces of her life ........I sure KNOW that finding out about my W's Infidelity sure put EVERYTHING into the true "light of day" and let me KNOW that it wasn't "me" just being a nut job all those years it was going on.
Yes, there actual WAS reasons behind all the Crap that was going on in my M (I just didn't know about it).

Knowing helped bring me some PEACE
.......as well as Understanding of what was REALLY going on in MY Life!

So there's a few real quick ones for ya.

But the bottom line is its not up to ANY of us to decide what is in someone else's best intrest when it comes to infidelity ......especially when our own situation is DIRECTLY related to their own.
************************

Now how's about you address my question as to those (such as yourself) that say NO Way, I'll never tell.

AGAIN:
If you were the 4th person (on the outside) would you or would you NOT want to know??

And we can break it down, so you don't inadvertently sidestep.
Before? (when its building up)
During?
After?
And if No to any, such as after .......why not?

Bonus question:
Just as a side note:
If you answer NO to the after part .......are you also a person that wanted to know few (if any) details?
The answer to that last one will help frame where you coming from (in my head anyways).
Thanx

There is a recent thread in the Recovery forum in which a BS is deciding whether or not to tell the spouses of her FWH's OW (there are more than one). In her case, the A's are long over, and she and her FWH have been in recovery for some time now. She did not expose at the time of the A.

I posted my story in that thread, which is here:

Exposure post recovery

In my case, the BS "exposed" my A four years after I ended it (total NC), and two years after her own M ended because her H left her for another OW. Revenge was her sole motive, and her current relationship is with a MM. The primary victim in all this? My H. To think that she was motivated by concern for him is laughable. He and I visited two therapists, neither of whom believed that the "exposure" was positive or necessary.

I do find that the tone *this* thread is somewhat disappointing and argumentative. Life is not black and white, cut and dried, one size fits all. I recall a thread in which a poster stated that he/she was told by S. Harley *not* to expose, due to the fragile mental state of the WS. Exposure can be done in a variety of ways, and yes, for a variety of reasons, the most valid of which is to end the affair. When karma and obligation on the part of the BS gets brought into the picture as a reason for exposure, IMO, the situation becomes rather murky.

penalty, I would assert that your H was a victim of your affair and your subsequent lies, not the exposure. It was the AFFAIR that was negative, not the discovery. To blame the exposure for the damage instead of the AFFAIR is ludicrous.

You seem to be asserting that LIES are the solution to adultery and nothing could be more ridiculous. The solution to adultery is HONESTY, not more lies. The truth is positive, adultery and lying is negative.

How else was your H supposed to know about your adultery and your lies so he could protect himself from you?

Who cares about the BS's "motive?" That is irrelevent to the need to know.

Since we are examining "motives" what was your motive in not telling your spouse yourself?

You know what, I don't think I even have the strenth to answer any more questions anymore! I'm sorry i stirred up such a controsversy!

All Blessings,
Jerry

Well, when one talks about a tough and controversial subject there is going to be some "tone" and "argumentative" points made. It is sometimes the price of doing business. We are all adults here aren't we?

There is no doubt that there are people who's moral enveope has been sliced open with this thread....and it's painful and it may even cause triggers...that's ok though.

Isn't that what we are here for. To learn, to experience to grow.

Discussions on morality are always going to be controversial....but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it.

I think the thread has already been a splended success. There have been alot of opinions and thoughts on the matter and alot of learning....speaking for myself only here. Can't argue with that.

Lem

Lemonman, Melody, any others, care to comment on my previous post to Doc Lemonman or should I just fade away and keep my mouth shut? An open invitation for either opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So you ask I respond.
(no attack)

And this after you totally ignore my question in my first post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Then I ask again and >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>???

WT HECK??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />