hi all,


its been awhile since ive posted, mainly just read cause nothing new. but now feel its time, ill admit i need u all right now.
alot of you know me, but i think my last post was around xmas. that was the last time we talked to ow. she had called after xmas for h to call her if he wanted to know anything about unborn baby. well he didnt call, he still feels that theres nothing to know untill baby comes.
well baby is now due anytime as she was already having contractions in dec, they told her they wouldnt stop it as of feb 6. so guess what, ive been a nut case since then right before really.its funny how i started out tring to be her friend.maybe i was just tring to be motherly since she is younger then my three oldest kids. anyway, i am having major anxiety over this. i cant express how i feel now. a part wants to say no i cant do this, i cant deal with ow in our lives. she is such a drama queen. i dont want to do it.
but im also a mom, whose children lost there father i know what it did them not having one. but then maybe its my own dad isses and i feel this baby boy needs his dad. but will i be able to forgive h when i look at h knowing its his and some young girls.
im hurting so bad all over again, i told myself thet i would leave it up to him on what he wants to do, but then i cant seem to let it go. he wont talk to me about it he doesnt want to talk about it at all. he says he will wait untill its born then do dna, but i wonder if shell even call him. she hasnt called us since dec.
she still sees h daughter, but dd not allowed to tell her dad anything. that tells you what kinda woman i will have to deal with.what kinda person does that. my h should be able to talk to daughter about, but they cant.
i hate this whole thing, i hate it i hate it. i was fine for awhile and now im not. please pray for me.
i know things are going to work out the way god wants it to. but i just cant see the light right now. im afraid that i could lose him to her one day just because oc will always keep her in his life. he tells me no, he learned his lesson but what if i make him mad, am i going to have to walk on egg shells. then it seems a part of me is pushing him away also, we get in a fight and i tell him to go to her cause he probebly will anyway. what is wrong with me. why am i doing this.how do i stop. how do i get through, how do i trust.
sorry to go on and on, like i said im a basket case right now. i need to have a good cry i think, get this pain out. otherwise it comes out in anger and thats not good.
anyway thanks for listening to my rants and raves, and thanks for being here.
imtswife

Take a breath it's ok. We have NC and their isn't a day, well a week that goes by that I don't think that maybe we can have C, then I go to some of the other boards and here some OW's and know that I could not put up with it. I'm not saying all OW's, but some. You have time to make a decision. I too would wait until after paternity before stressing yourself out, you may be stressing for nothing (listen to me, I'm just like you, we haven't had the paternity tests yet, and I stress too. Your not alone.) Do you have a best friend or someone to talk to in person? This is the time that your faith really comes handy. Pray about it. I'm thinking of you. I know what it feels like.

"And this too shall pass"

You will be fine, but you have to believe it.

hi crazy,

thanks for being there. yes i have some friends and a great sister im talking to. i just dont understand why im doing this now. the anger is intense right now. i snap at my h on almost anything he says. i know what u mean about the other boards they arnt very nice to u somtimes.

i really do want this oc in our lives i just dont want to deal with ow. i know your right i just need to have faith right now. its funny how i trust god that he will meet all my needs yet i cant give this to him. its going to be hard, i want to cry all the time, or im angry all the time. im a mess. i just want it all to be over.

thanks again, and i know you understand, im sure its hard for you also. not knowing whats going to happen has got to be tough. well keep me in your prayers, pray for strenght, and i will for u. i am glad your here.

imstwife..

Talk your anger out here if it helps... honestly.

Sometimes having some sort of release that isn't always your husband (not that he doesn't deserve it) will make home life a bit easier.

So many of have been through this, and although it doesn't make sense to you now.. Time does help.

It's been almost a year since I was told of the P. I still have bad days, but I handle them very differently. Since CrazyHurts has found herself in this situation as well, I usually spend my time creating havoc with her...LOL

She fights more fairly than my H. I'm just glad she's on our side. *grin*

We're here for you.

Eibrab

You are in my prayers.

Have you told your husband, in a non-angry way what you are feeling? Or do you bottle it all up, and then it only comes out in rage? My bet would be he understands why you are having the anxiety right now. If not, you need to discuss it. Not fight about it, discuss it.

Does he want contact? Is he excited about the child or is he looking at this birth with dread?

Come here and lash out! Why not!?? We have all been there and lived it. We also have all survived it and in many cases thrived afterwards, thank you! You will too! You are in the bullseye right now, but you will get out of it. Someday these months will be in your past. What you are feeling is totally normal considering the circumstances.

You sound like a jewel of a woman with heart of gold! So what if you are human and have angry feelings about this, it is normal. Just don't let it overtake you and change who you are. So vent away here. People will listen, and console you when needed, lash out with you and yes, even laugh with you.

Do you know what hospital she is going to?

You could prob call and see if the birth has happened yet.

I am so sorry , I also know its not the easiest thing to do just sit around ignoring it till the papers come in the mail.
I do not think I could handle contact, I am so glad we do not have it at all. I thought initially that H should have some sort of contact(mail, phone, email) to keep an eye on the child now I know he was right in none at all. So much more peaceful and no anxiety. We have stress, only on occasion when we have some stupid stuff sent to our home from someone HMMM I wonder who that could be?

I hope u try to relax and soak up the calm before the storm while you still can.

hello all,

thanks for being here. i havent had time to get back to you all, sorry it took so long. just started back to work after being off for four months. needed a rest from work for a bit so stayed home on unemployment.

its probably a good thing that im back to work, maybe it will help keep my mind off ow. i still cant seem to get her off my mind. my h doesnt want to talk. i often think about if this and him is worth keeping. i have major anger alot i feel hate towards him for putting me through this. i feel like all ive gone through is alot of pain most of our marrige. do any of you wonder if staying was the right choice, or find it too be very hard to do. how did you get through it?

eibrab,
thanks, i will try to come here before going off on h but its real hard as i seem to be doing it alot lately. im having so many feelings come out i feel so much resentment towards him for putting me through this. weve been married for 14 years i shouldnt be having to deal with my h having a baby that isnt mine. i dont deserve this, ive always stayed by him no matter what he did how much do i have to go through. sometimes i feel real stupid for staying with him once i found out about oc. to be honest im not sure if i can let this go, or forgive him for the pain he has caused me. it seems he slept with whoever showed him attention. i never did, not once did i sleep with anyone else no matter how bad things were, because i was and am married. why do a lot of men do this, and then think they had a good reason for it. yes we were seperated but we were married. we had aggreed that we wouldnt get in another relationship untill we divorced, but that changed as soon as one person showed him attention. how am i really sopposed to trust him.
boy i didnt relize i had so muych right now. but i most have a lot of build up cause as soon as i start it justs goes. thanks for letting me get it out.

hello lynn,
i do talk to him or at least try. it seems to be my main topic lately, so much brings up the thoughts. he hates it when i bring it up, im sure cause he doesnt want to be reminded. we arnt able to discuss it and it always turns into a fight.
no he isnt excited, and yes he does dread all. it has caused alot of problems between us. he wants nothing to do with other woman period. whats funny is i believe him yet i still feel if i was to leave him he would run to her. how do i feel secure when i have that fear. he would walk away if i wanted him too. or hed fight for custody if i wanted him too. i want him to do what he wants, i dont think he relly knows, for now he wants to forget about it. he does feel though that oc would be better with us, maybe it would be but i dont know that i would want that, unless mom was bad. i have such mixed feelings right now.
thanks, im sure your right, ill probably feel alot better a few months from now. its just hard to see right now.

hi cordilia,
thanks for the idea. i did call and she hadnt had it yet.do you think the anxiety will go away once it comes? its funny how at one time i was achually exciteds about this, but know in my mind i think about seeing the baby for first time and just cring, full of pain. then being totally angry at h i see me saying horrible mean things. why is this all coming now? how do i stop
i wish i could do no contact, i think about it alot now. i just dont think i can, i hurt for the oc, i know that crazy but i do. i woulnt be able to live with myself, but maybe that will change depending on ow behaveior.
i know it would be more peaceful, ive had to deal with my hxw my whole marriage, she always likes me to know she was his first wife, they were married less than two years. hdd now 18, hoping to not deal with xw anymore, but i married him knowing she was there i shouldnt have to deal with this ow interfering in our lives. it makes me so angry that i have to do this. its not fair.
thanks, i hope i can relax but i dont seem to be doing it. i need to do some heavy praying, try to listen to what god wants me to do. his will not mine.

thankyou all for being here listening to me go off again,hopfully it will be over soon.
imtswife

Still here..listening..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A very big hug,

Eibrab

hi all,

just thought id give update on oc. found out from h dd that if oc doesnt come by the 20th they will induce ow labor on 21st so i will be stepmom by tuesday. thanks for all the prayers from all. ive had many praying for me, i can tell. im achually at peace right now. me and h getting along good. he talked to his dd the other day. told her he didnt want to bring her in but would like her involved with him. he told her that he would get test done after b born. she understood. she is going to be the coach for ow. she said she will call after oc born and let us know. hopefully ow doesnt give her a hard time about it. but ive put it in gods hands, i know where my heart is, i no responsibility in this. its up to my h what to do, ill just support him. i relly feel like things are going to be okay, as long as i leave it in gods hands.

well thats it for now, thanks all for being here.
imtswife

We all care about you here.

Please know that we understand.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

imtswife,

I will be a step mom on the 27th. not long after you. are you planning to be there? In the hospital?

As of now thats what I am planning. I have requested a day off because I know I will not be good for anything that day. I have been praying a lot and have felt the desire to take her a "care package" of diapers, wipes, that sort of thing in attempts to try to get over the anxiety of all this crap. I so desperately want to do the right thing for my children and this new one too. And I feel that if I can, as Dr. Phil says "be the hero" (cause I know she won't/can't) then life will be easier for all of us. Thats my prayer!!!!

But to my huge suprise, after being so determined to do what is right, I saw her the other day and the look she gave me caused instant rage. I hate her!! How can I do the right thing when I want to unload all my anger on her? She has caused us so much grief that I don't know if life will ever be sane.

I forgave my husband months ago because I wanted to get on and over this mess but here lately I have been feeling like I don't have the energy to even care. That woman has taken my life and destroyed it. I hate her....I sometimes hate my beloved husband for what he did to me and our family. The most precious aspect of my life and he risked it all on a cheap low rent piece of a$$. Now we are going to pay for it 18 years and beyond. The money is the easy part.....

Is there a point that enough is enough?

emkaydee - There is definetly a point where enough is enough. I'm sure that many of our H's have gone over that one...now the decision is whether we want to continue the marriage. I too don't have a day that goes by where I don't get upset with my H. I love him, but it really upsets me to think he could be so careless with our life. I have chosen to work through it, and it seems that you have also chosen that path. Going back and forth is normal.

As far as the OW is concerned, I send you kudos for even thinking of being at the hospital. They wouldn't have caught me in a 100 mile radius. I don't like my OW and it is best that we stay as far away from each other as possible. Today was probably not a good day for you, it may be different tomorrow.

"And this too shall pass"

I know for me that anything that would bring about change in the situation with my exWS and his OW, would send me into another round of feelings. It's like the reality of the next step was happening. Could I deal with that piece of reality? Did I want to deal with that piece of reality?

When My exWS and I first talked about reconciliation, I told him that the only thing I was willing to offer is that I would take the decisions one step at a time. I could and would step out at any time if I chose to. It was one thing to deal with the idea of a pregnant OW. It was another to deal with the birth of the OC. An additional layer came on board when it was discovered that the OC had Downs Syndrome. This one really threw me in terms of whether or not I wanted to parent a special needs child. I wasn't sure I wanted to parent any child at my age.

The next step was seeing the OC in the flesh. What kind of feelings would I have? Would he remind me always of the affair? Would he look like her or my WS? Could I love a child under these circumstances, knowing full well that he was totally innocent.

When I met the little guy and gave him his bottle, I fell in love with him as he drifted off to sleep in my arms. But, there was still the reality of dealing with the OW.

It didn't help that my WS was still lying throughout most of these events. I didn't know the OC had even been born until a friend called me and asked me how I felt about it. This was 13 days after he had been born. My WS had seen me during that time and never said a word.

In spite of my exWS's complaints about the OW, his promises of change, my willingness to accept and love the OC, my ex is still living with the OW almost 4 years later.

I went through the stages of grief at each one of these changes(including anger). This one will be a major change for you. The ideas and fantasies will be gone, and a little human being will be here.

Go with your anger. Let it out here. Otherwise, you'll stuff it and pay a much larger price later. What you're going through is perfectly normal. Hurts like heck...but it's normal! I wish you the best in these upcoming days full of change.

hello emkaydee,

i know exactly what u mean. i attempted in the beginning to be there for ow i would have done what i could for her. but came to realize it was a game on her part i bvelieve to get to my h to some how get his attention and when she found it wasnt working she turned on me. thats when i figgured out she was just using me. it hurt and made me angry.

i am an honest and caring and giving person, it hurt and made me very angry, both feelings at the same time, but then we all know about that.

no, i dont plan on being there, last time ow called was after xmas, saying if h wanted yto know anything about oc he could call. well he sees no reason when oc not born, and i had decided i wasnt going to put myself out there to be used and hurt by her. i dont plan on calling her again at this point. ive given it to god. ow likes to be center of attention, likes to do things for shock value, she told my h thats why she went out with him. she is not a nice person.its really kinda said, i feel sorry for the oc.

i still have hopes that its not h. h will request a perternaty test after oc born. hes not signing anything untill he knows. ow wanted him to have it all on paper before oc comes, thankgod h didnt fall for that. h xw played alot of games using there child while we were married, it wont happen this time as there is no bond at this time.

im hoping that oc having father is important to ow as its real important to me. if it is h i want to be dad, i just dont want ow or her games.

you said you plan on being there, did she ask you to, or she wants your h and naturally you will go with him.
ow also pulled in h dd, but i think shes even letting go of that since it had no big effect on my h. we have been practicing letting go and letting god. anyway hdd was supposed to be ow coach but i talked to dd yesterday and it doesnt sound like she is now. she wasnt sure if ow was going to call her before oc comes or after. she also didnt know why but was okay with it.
if we had fought about it with ow ill bet ow would be best friends with dd, but since we didnt she wasnt getting the thrill she wanted and is letting go.
another lesson for me, let go and god will take care of it. well good luck to you ill keep you in my prayers. keep us all posted.

hey crazy,

hows it going for you, still not hearing anything? that is almost torture in itself. i know i would be going nuts, but then i do that easily. your a strong person, i really admire you, pass me and the rest of us some of that.
take care of yourself, imtswife

hey crazy,

hows it going for you, still not hearing anything? that is almost torture in itself. i know i would be going nuts, but then i do that easily. your a strong person, i really admire you, pass me and the rest of us some of that.
take care of yourself, imtswife


I'm doing fine...still no word...I don't know what to think. I'm not really going crazy...I'm actually happy with the peace and quiet thus far...I'm sure she's getting her ducks in a row.

I'd be happy to pass it on..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

imstwife,

Well, today, as per your post, you are a stepmom. How did it go? How is your husband? I found out from a lawyer that you can get a motherless DNA test by just taking mouth swabs. No blood test required and it can be done at Lab Corp.

OW definately did not ask me to be in attendance for the birth. I am not sure how she will react nor do I care. I just want to be there for moral support for my husband. She is having a c-section and I'm sure her parents will be there. I sure hope so. I'm ready for someone to tell me that I don't belong there.....

I admire your perspective on this situation. You are an inspiration. God will take care of everything in His time in His way. I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that. Thank you for your thoughts!!

Our stories sound very similiar. My ow is 25 years old and a major drama queen that will do anything for effect. We were talking a few months ago but like your situation, I feel OW was using me to see what she was going to get, playing on my heartstrings. (Actually asked if she could move in with us!!!) Eventually we stopped communicating because I got tired of hearing her bullcrap stories of moving to Georgia and then California. Of course, she never went. Unfortunately. Back then, she did not want anything from my husband. Only to have him agree to never look for her or the child. He never would. Now she is still here and demanding more than ever.

She LOVES confrontation and to create problems. Everything has to go her way or "that will not work." She is not open to any kind of compromise. All her way or nothing. She is a grand manipulator knowing what buttons to push. If he doesn't go to dr. appts, baby shopping, sonogram appts, etc. then he won't get called for the birth or anything else concerning this child. It is majorly important to him to be a father to his child and I respect that, so therefore I support his decision. My patience are wearing thin, very thin.

Sunday was a very hard day for me. The hard days were few and far between but they seem to occur more often now that the baby is due soon. The uncertainity of it all is so stressful.

Thank you for your prayers. I will definately pray for you too. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Please let me know how things went for you.

Emkaydee --
Something in your post really stood out to me --

"If he doesn't go to dr. appts, baby shopping, sonogram appts, etc. then he won't get called for the birth or anything else concerning this child."

Did H go along to those things? OW can only manipulate you and H if you play by her rules. And believe me - if you play along once she will increase the stakes and see if you'll go with them.

I know H wants to be a father and you are supporting him but PLEASE don't let OW be in control of how you and H handle things with the baby.


Just my $.02.

yes, he has played by her rules. we are preparing to go to court when the baby gets here because I will not be able to live like this indefinately.

Everyone, Thank you for all of your replies and advice.

My exWS played by the OW's rules. If he didn't, she'd threaten to disappear when she was pregnant and "you'll never see your baby." He, too, felt it was very important to parent his child.

She did the same thing after the OC was born and paternity hadn't been established. Even when paternity had been confirmed, my exWS was concerned because the OW had next to no parenting skills, didn't try and learn any, and their child had Downs Syndrome. He didn't feel he could safely leave their child with just her. So, the OW continued to jerk his strings, and he continued to allow it. (All the while telling me how much he wanted to be with me.)

I told him that he would never have to worry about locating her and their son. She'd be first in line to get the OC's Social Security Disability check. So, she could always be traced! Their OC had very mild Downs Syndrome. No complicating health factors. The OW was a healthy, 21 year old who could have been working. Heaven forbid!

I HATE it when children are used as pawns!!

Don't forget to do things to nuture yourself in the next few days. You deserve it.

I wish my OW had disappeared...then again, I haven't heard from her...you think dreams do come true?

That wasn't nice...sorry.