Ok dorry -- I have tried very hard to set boundaries, but the most important one which is for my H to give up this who*e and to start treating me with respect is not happening - so I feel I need to stir it up a bit.

Is that okay??

And Yes - people are very different and maybe my interpretation of Plan A is not the same as many others, but I am not feelin' it, ya know...

I really am just trying very hard to focus on me, darn it. I am so tired of feeling like I am obsessed about my H and is drama...

I have a baby girl to take care of, and I don't want her to see me cry anymore... I need to help myself right now and I need to do it for DD and for ME...

That's all, Thank you for posting...

Alison

that is a GREAT boundary Alison <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And you can state that boundary to him. If plan A isn't for you - then that really is okay - but you ARE on a MB forum where we DO believe in these plans if done right.

Thats all. I have seen you get flustered by your husband and stop plan A over and over -even for a moment - it's why you haven't been effective. Your husband doesn't take you seriously.

Oh your being nice now - but the next minute you freak and are emotional - so you dont mean it - you are just planning...that is what he thinks...and because of it -he controls you.

Plan A is about NOT letting him have that control, and also not letting him see all your cards. You aren't giving him the ultimatum yet - you are showing him what he will be missing, while building UP you.

Then if he doesn't come on his own - you go into a PLan B - where he has to choose...but the Plan A you did - will show him who he could be with and show him you are serious.

You haven't shown him you are serious. Your Plan A, has been a plan that has been all over the place. Plan A is about staying as COOL, CALM, COLLECTED and loving as you can be in his presense, at the same time as placing boundaries - Orchids reverse babble is a GREAT way of doing this.

Plan A is NOT easy and it takes awhile and may not work - but it sets up Plan B which does work. You get so impatient that you bail ever so slightly and it's why you see no effect.

PLan A isn't about getting your spouse back - that is just a SIDE effect of plan A. Plan A IS about you.

You need to actually read up on plan A by reading surviving the Affair, or call the Harleys...or ask Bob Pure, Wat, or Melody Lane - they can tell you the REAL way to do a plan A, and this way will work with alot of what Keep is saying as it IS about you and your confidence.

But it requires strength and patience...alot of it. It's not INSTANT. So you have to think about the goal. And not this minute or the next day...WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

Dorry - thank you again for being patient with me. I am just trying to get my idiot husband back and everyone I know is asking me why and is calling me a sap and an idiot for wanting him back...

I unfortunately, do not have to self esteem yet to not give a crap about what people think, but I ask myself, if this was my best friend or even my daughter and her H did this to her I can't honestly say I wouldn't tell them to get the he11 outa there...

I am battling between wanting this man and not. I feel if I get him back that I have compromised myself and my beliefs and my morals by accepting someone who could betray and lie... I am battling between simply losing and losing him. I am a very very very sore loser...

How am I to set this boundary - which I have set, and just allow my H to not respect my boundary... I have also set the honesty boundary, but he blatantly lies to me this weekend again. So how many times will I have to be disrespected and have my boundary squashed???

And yes - I am all over the place - absoFinglutely!!! One day is great and one day is he11. The who*e happens to be on a family cruise right now, so my H is being especially nice to me so he won't have to be lonely - and I knowingly allow him in my home and in my arms when all along he wants to be with her... I just don't feel good about that...

tell people what they want to hear and they'll follow you anywhere. tell them what the NEED to hear and they'll become leaders, not followers.

but, if making it easy makes you popular then my best advice is to do whatever you feel like until you feel something different. then justify your action or inaction as you see fit until some other thing happens or doesnt happen.

now maybe i can be popular. dangerous and irrelevant, but popular.

apparently dr. harley has a lot to learn about marriages. keepmovn4wrd, you should engage the good dr. in your superior methods. maybe he can rewrite his texts to correct all of those mistakes and lies that youve so thoughfully pointed out.

thanks for uncovering the "MB Scam" for the rest of us who just arent as bright.

Alison,

Can you afford to call Steve Harley? He would be GREAT at giving you a solid plan to follow. He would be worth every penny if you can come up with it (assuming that you may not be able to afford it).

You dont need to be in recovery - he can advice you PERSONALLY on what to do in your case and how to set those boundaries.

It's okay to have the boundary - while you are sleeping with her, you cannot sleep with me. Then you remain pleasant and confident - no matter how angry he gets. You dont get mad back - you STICK to the boundaries, and still act loving, kind and nice to him. Like a child. You set a rule. If you go back on that rule, the child knows they can push you. But even with rules for the children, you still do things for the children, and love them - the only difference is don't yell or chastize your H like you may your children.

It's a hard balance - but it's why some of the wiser folk here like WAT, Melody Lane, Bob Pure, and several others can advise you on a great plan A...and if not them - the Harley's are the best bet!

Plan A is the least instinctive, hardest and most difficult thing I ever did. Its also the thing I am most proud of in my whole 42 years.

It made me all I could be in marriage and beyond it and gave me confidence to be ABLE to see a future divorced but to want to fight for a rescued marrige.

Its a heroes gig, pure and simple. I learned from heroes and hope to one day earn the right to sit at their feet.

KM4D espouses the way of least resistence that I have not only seen myself many times on this board but that I actually clung to myself for a while. Don't invest much, don't lose much. Not my responsibility if WS don;t come back, oh no. I be givin' her FREEDOM. ( oh and shaking off all my own marriage responsibilities). KM4Ws approach overlooks a basic FACT of affairs - that WS and OP are as near to ADDICTED as makes no odds during an affair. They need HELP to think straight, giving an addicted person freedom to shoot up if they choose to is crazy - so is not using aboundaries , snooping and exposure on an active WS.

Me ? I decided scumbag OM wasn't going to be the one to end my marriage so I fought out of orneryness to begin with. Then i leanred that active WS CANNOT be truthful and honest of it compromises their entitled view of the world. CANNOT, not WILL NOT.

So trusting a WS is like trusting a psychopath with an AK 47. Not advised.

Plan A ended my dear Squids affair and just aboutdestroyed OMs. It restored my self esteem, and lit a path back to our REAL life for my once VERY wayward wife.

I owe a whole lot to plan a. Right now my baby is sleeping in bed in a rented holiday home in Islamorada with our happy, suntanned kids. We made love a short while ago. I got up to check my mail on the dock once she was asleep. You have a better way to achive this, or a better outcome , go for it.

I will recommend plan a for any BS who will listen.

All blessings.

Alison, there are many, many BS's on this board and before us that fought and won back a WS. Once they are in recovery many discover that thanks to the changes they made in themselves they are happier and their M's are better than before. Would they have chosen to have their spouse cheat? No, absolutely not..but these people are not smucks or losers because they wanted to honor their vows said before God and man, no these people are heros because the honored the committment of marriage. If every marriage ended because of adultery the divorce rate would be even higher. Read Bob Pure's post to you carefully. Read carefully what plan A really is. Read Pep's thread called the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Study, Alison, study. Truly what have you to lose?

Okay - regarding boundaries... When one of my boundaries is crushed by my H, what do I do. For instance, I found out that he and Traci ad lunch on friday before she went on her cruise. H lied to me. How do I handle it?? Do I just let it go? Or do I confront him politely and say what...???

Plan A - I am being very loving - no LB's no DJ's and oh boy do I look good... But what am I supposed to say when he disrespects one of my boundaries???

This is where I have gotten lost every time... He does something to cross a boundary and I do nothing because I can't LB because I can't DJ... Am I angry that he went to lunch and lied to me - you are damn right I am, but what do I do to let him know that I won't be treated that way??

Do I not speak to him. How do I stand my ground? I have never said, if you lie again, I will not speak to you...

Please - I really need help with this one!!!!!

Really I need to know how to handle it...

At this point since you are in plan A you calmly tell him it hurts you when he lies to you and when he has contact with OW. No LB's or DJ's just the truth.

Right - I can tell him that - but there is no consequence for his lie and his betrayal... All it is is talk... He knows I don't like it, but I can't do anything to show him I don't like it... He already doesn't listen to me so why would my simply saying it bothers me do a damn thing to stop him from doing it??? Does Plan A include no consequences for wrongful doing??

Does that make sense??

With all due respect Alison, it has been pointed out a number of times that you are NOT in a real plan A. I strongly encourage you to go back and review plan A as a TOTAL package, not a pick-and-choose method.

Best wishes.

I am in Plan A, I believe that I get Plan A and i feel I have been doing pretty good with it. I have told my H that I do not appreciate being lied to...

Blah Blah - Anyway - I can see from other posts that I am now being made fun of so I will thank everyone once again for the continued support...

The consequences are exposure and a diminishing love bank for the BS which needs to be protected by going to plan B at some point but only after a good solid plan A. Please read up on the thread by Pep. I will bump it up for you.

I just bumped it for you. Also check out Ark's thread called Plan A musings.

Well I guess the worst part of my Plan A is that I do expect to see results - and I ask my H about wy he isn't doing anything while I am working my butt off. Now that I have reread the Plan A info - I understnad a bit more. But that is going to be very tough for me. I do expect gratitude for being a great wife and homemaker and mother, but I suppose I will suck it up. I am selfish that way - I believe in give and take so this one is really going to challange me and hopefully make me stronger (and less selfish)....

I am assuming this is why I am getting so frusterated and losing focus so easily. I will quit expecting to get ANYTHING from my H, but damn that is going to be tough on my part...

Faithful Follower - thank you very much. You helped me to learn a lot today...

Alison, the rule of thumb for plan A is to put your giver away. Do not be a doormat but do not expect anything back from your WH. You are welcome. Keep posting and reading.

" am assuming this is why I am getting so frusterated and losing focus so easily. I will quit expecting to get ANYTHING from my H, but damn that is going to be tough on my part... "

exactly...you are getting it.

Thank you Faithful, Once again...

I am on the way to BIL's house for the weekend. Plan on Plan A'ing the he11 out of H.

Will let you know how it goes...