Post deleted by Cherished

I agree that a tolerant spouse could be problematic. I think that is was easy for my WH to walk away since he had nothing invested in the realtionship.

If I had invested faithfully in my retirement account, I would be hard pressed to just walk away from that money. I think, for my WH, it was easy to walk away from his home, family and lifestyle. It had always just been handed to him without him making any effort or investment in it.

People have asked me why would I take WH back. I have honestly answered "because I have a high tolerance to assinine behavior".

cherished..

you put tiny little hoops in front of your husband..he is smart enough to do just enough to not shake things up...

you apply grandiose thoughts, terms, and labels onto him and you...

the whole time skirting the reality of his actions...

so now you got what you set out to get....when you made the fifteen hour a week ultimatum...a man who does the minimum ....

you and he will grow weary of the fifteen hours...
it will not change the under current of the way you two interact or relate...

you will find a new ultimatum hoop...
he will jump...

on and on it will go....

that is how I see it..

people here on this board have a hard time seeing much reason for you to keep this marriage together...

you keep posting post after post that only solidify that opinion...

yet you stay in the marriage...

if that is your choice to stay in this marriage..then why all the posts that scream to people...tell me to leave tell me to go...

why cherished
why...

ARK

Post deleted by Cherished

I was never happier than the year we were engaged.

what does this mean..
are you trying to recapture that....

impossible
and
futile..
can't be done...

is that what keeps you in this marriage


also you are really starting to scare me...
as if you are believing his words that put and keep you down.....and I don't know if he does that...

but you sound like you are starting to believe that you are responsible for his reactions..

ARK

cherished,

I'd really like to see you do some research about co-dependency. I don't mean this an ugly way....but I feel certain that you will benefit from taking a good long look at how you enable abuse and have your own form of control issues. I know your husband has been abusive....but you seem very passive aggressive to me. I read the thread over on the catholic site the other day and you do alot of talking....but not much listening.

I used to have a tagline that read...."This site will not change your spouse. But it can change you in a way that makes it impossible for someone who loves to ignore that they love you."

If the 15 hours a week are miserable hours....they will only build more animosity. You're still wanting restitution and punishment. You can leave your husband for abusing you....and I would WHOLLY have supported that. There is a difference between a boundary and contro or ultimata....and you're not there yet.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the OTHER person to die." When we are resentful....we are incapable of grace or self value. Our neocortex, where we do all of our creative, spiritual and logical thinking....is not even lit up....I've seen the MRIs.

Please regroup chere....and as ark says....be still.

You're still wanting restitution and punishment.

exactly..

too much I he did this
he did that
he said this
he said that..

too much tab keeping..filing and musing...

you keep negative alive and well

ARK

Post deleted by Cherished

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

* An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
* A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
* A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
* A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
* An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
* An extreme need for approval and recognition.
* A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
* A compelling need to control others.
* Lack of trust in self and/or others.
* Fear of being abandoned or alone.
* Difficulty identifying feelings.
* Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
* Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
* Chronic anger.
* Lying/dishonesty.
* Poor communications
* Difficulty making decisions.

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

Post deleted by Cherished

Well, I'm glad I got your attention chere. I don't think you realize just how much harm this dynamic can do in your life....especially since you may be raising your daughter to follow in your footsteps. Consider looking at CoDA....here's their welcome page: http://www.codependents.org/

I also really like the book by Melody Beatie "Beyond Codependency, and Getting Better All the Time" which is an extremely positive and uplifting approach.

I also like Dr. Iren's site (for angry people and those who love them) http://www.drirene.com/copage.htm

Cherished -

As a fellow coD and former battered spouse, I really think that you are in the process of freeing yourself from this relationship. I see a subtle change in you, more of questioning yourself, than looking at his actions.

I think you may get to the "enough" point.

Post deleted by Cherished

Go to San Francisco. Have a lovely weekend. Look great. Be charming. Don't lovebust. But...be watchful. Take enough money that if you need to get home by yourself you can. If you're flying, keep the tickets with you. Set your boundaries and expectations for the weekend. Are there certain types of restaurants you wish to eat at and activities that you wish to do? What kind of participation in these activies do you expect from your H? What do you want to have happen this weekend?

Maybe you'll rediscover the magic. Maybe it'll be h^ll. I think a weekend away is really good. When you come back, you should know a lot more about your H and yourself.

Good luck.

I'm thinking of you on this weekend. I think that grapes is right, this weekend away could tell you more about your relationship and help you to decide where to go from here. Take care of yourself..

How about having a 5 year old cry because Dad just said he'd throw out the stuffed animal she got last week for her birthday because she left it in the living room?

Well cherished to tell you the truth..I'm pretty sure I have said things exactly like that to my children...

like a few hours after a birthday party...when the birthday child has some new present torn around a room....in a mess..

bet you lots of money I have said...

boy it's a shame you must want to have that new game thrown in the garbage...since you threw it all around the floor...

or..
IF you don't pick up those legos...
guess I will just have to, with the sweeper...

sorry but my kids aren't traumatized by it...in fact they jump up saying...no no no .I'll get it...right now..

I tell my kids all the time if you leave things laying around where they don't belong and don't take care of them I guess it means they don't want them..or else they would CARE for them...

YOU are on high anticherishing mode...
you see NO good in this man
you see ONLY bad...

I don't know if he is or isn't...
but you are processing everything he does and doesn't do through a filter clouded with something...that AIN'T marriage building stuff...

I have no idea what a permissive parent means...
but perhaps you should DISCUSS this issue with the source..
ARK

cherished,

You spend a good bit of time here....as well as on the other site....trying to convince folks that your husband is just a monster and your anger is justified. You so hyperfocused on what is wrong with him that you are unwilling to examine your own contribution to this disconnection.

Not only have I threatened to give away/throw away new toys that are left out....I have done it!! It was a valuable learning experience for my children, and I would do it again.

I KNOW your husband has done some awful and terrible things....but the angry, resentful, negative, combative, codependency I see in your posts is a far bigger obstacle to your happiness and your marriage building than your husband right now. Personally, you are in a bad place....and like many BSs, you have now become a bigger threat to the FUTURE of this marriage than the events of past. If what he did doesn't destroy this marriage....your reaction to it will. Please recalibrate and find some grounding.....and open a space for peace and healing.