Well I am not sure where to start. This is my first post. I feel like I need someone to talk to about all the feeling that I am having and this seems like a great place to do it. My wife and I have been married for 10 years and been together for a total of 14. We were high school sweat hearts We have 2 beutiful daughters that are 5 and 2 years old. I am 31 and she is 30.
I found out about a month ago that my wife was having an affair. My D-day was on January 14,2006. I told her at the time that I was willing to try and forgive what has happened but I needed her to give me a 100% effort in trying. She told me that she did not know what she wanted and that she was confused. She said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore.

What I forgot to mention was that a year erlier I confronted her with the fact that I suspicioned something was going on with this other man. She assured me at the time that nothing was going and she would not hurt me in that way. I told her that I didn't think I could handle something like that if it was to ever happen.

Now hear we are a year later and I am dealing with this horrific pain that my wife has put me through. She told me that she has been unhappy for a long time and she saw this as chance to get out of the marraige, so she called this guy constantly. She told me that he did not want to be anything more that friends, but she kept after him until he gave into her. It lasted almost a full year according to her.

So for the last month I have been reading on the MB site and trying to educate myself on what is going on in our marraige. I realize I was not meeting her EN, but at the same time she has not been meeting my EN for several years and I did not go outside the marriage for comfort. Everyone here seems to have been through some kind of conflict in their marraige like I am going through right now. I am hoping to get some insight from the folks that have had to deal with the same kind of issues.

We have been in marraige counseling since Jan.24 and have had several meetings together and one each by ourselves. The MC is currently trying to have us deal with our pain individually and has done nothing for our marraige. My wife has been making small improvements over the last month. She has told me she is sorry for the pain she has caused and that she wants to try and work out our problems. So for the last few weeks we have been just living as room mates with no affection of any sort other than a kiss in the morning and a kiss at night. This is really beging to wear on me cause that is one of my most inport ENs.

So monday night I am looking for a stalking hat to go outside and I found a large amount of money that she has been hiding from me. As you probably guessed she pretty much takes care of the bills while I bring home the checks, but in her defence she works three days a week. Anyway, I am wondering why she is hiding money unless she is planning on leaving. She told it was just in case she needed a place to stay if I kicked her out of the house. It may be understandable but from the beginning I told her that if she wanted to leave, I would help her get a place to stay use what money we had. So my side of things there is no reason for her doing this. Now I feel like the trust that has been worked upon for the last month has been lost again. I am so frustrated. It is like she is not even the person I have lived with for the last 14 years. She has done things that she promised would never happen. She has always told me how much she loves me. If she loves me so much, how could she be so hurtfull to the one person that lover her more than anything. I feel like I want to much,to quick, but I just can't stand feeling so crummy all the time. Please help me cope. There is so much to this horrible nightmare I am just not sure where to start. Please help?

Is she still in the affair? Is she still in any contact with the OM? Who is the OM? Is he married? What is his occupation?

It sounds like she is still invovled with the OM--if you've read much on these boards, I'm sure you realize that the affair must end before true recovery can begin. What have you done so far to expose?

N2BL,

Welcome, officially...and know we feel the craziness and hurt. Have to get more information, though, if you don't mind.

What I read was that your W has ended her affair, is willing to work on the marriage, you each are working on your own pain, she has recognized and apologized for her affair, but you both aren't meeting each others' ENs yet, is that correct?

Did you read about withdrawal that your W may be going through? Did you do Plan A before she ended the A? Now you found another piece of the A...money she socked away and feel her betrayal fresh again?

You are devastated and very weary from feeling pain...fresh or otherwise. Recovery isn't easier than Plan A, I found. Gets better, you get some relief, but it isn't all steps forward. There will be setbacks. You're raw and overwhelmed.

But you're there.

You are doing this--committed and striving.

And she is there.

Have you eliminated the LBs to her and to yourself? In Plan A, did you get to where you saw you could only control yourself and that you both are seperate people with seperate truths sharing a life together?

Did you learn to care for yourself and meet your own needs in the ways you could?

You don't have your W totally back from the aliens who abducted her. Withdrawal is another painful stage and it will be much harder on you if you expect to have back your old marriage and wife immediately. It was for me. Takes awhile.

I found that wait as difficult as when he was in the A...and now, I find it very worth it. You have 14 years...and probably need to get another four months under your belt. Take heart that she ended it quickly after dday. That's a great sign. And she is going to counseling with you. Another solid signal that she is becoming conscious of the whys of her own choices.

This was my solace. Just passing it on. The pain of a WS in recovery is great, also. I'm not judging whose is worse; just acknowledging both sides.

You're not alone.

LA

Hi there Need2-

You came to the right place.

First off, you need to get the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" ASAP.

Also, you need for her to send a No Contact (NC) letter to the OM stating that their relationship was a mistake...that you and her family are what's important and she never wants any contact with him EVER again....she should write it, then give it to you to read/send to him.

She needs to let you know her whereabouts at all times (and you should do the same), you need full access to her cell phone records, and e-mails. (Let her know these are steps to protect NC).

Your WW (wayward wife) could be going through withdrawls, which, as LovingAnyway said, is quite painful, and takes a while to work out....but she also may still be contacting OM...hard to say, you need to know FOR SURE.

If she has indeed broken all contact....then you need to start trying to fill her EN's (Let's not worry about yours right now...that'll come later)....let her know that you appreciate her not having any contact with the other man and how much you appreciate her working with you to repair your marriage.

I know this is a horrible thing to go through, and it hurts more than you can explain, but you are definitely in the right place, we can help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

Thank you so much for your responses. It took her about 2 weeks after d-day for her to cut it off totally with the OM. She herself exposed what was going on with her friends and family. It is a small town and news travels fast. Everyday it seems like someone is asking how things are going. It is just so hard to comprehend what has taken place. We were always suppossed to be together forever. She assures me that she has not had any contact with him since that time. I have been keeping a good eye on the e-mails and cell phone. She was using the cell phone to contact him. I am a network engineer so I have been using my technical skills to keep an eye on things. The problem with the NC is that her good frieds husband is best friends with this guy and I can never be certain that they are nob talking about him behind my back. I want to believe what she is telling me but the trust is just not there right now. I know for sure that one of her ENs is admiration. When we first start going out I always told her how beutiful she was. For the longest time I have not done that. I do think she is a beautiful woman but it feels ackward telling her those things now without her thinking that I am just saying it. I know that I am not perfect and that I need to make changes in order for this to work but I need her to also make changes to meet my ENs. I realize it is early in recovery but I feel so alone. Will the hurt ever go away? Will I ever be able to trust her agian.javascript:void(0)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Need - you've been asked some very pertinent questions above.

1. Have you exposed the affair to anyone who can influence your wife?
2. How long ago was d-day?
3. Have you read the infidelity stuff on this site (see link bleow in my signature)

Be aware that after no-contact is established, your wife will go through a miserable time called withdrawal. Budget at least 4-6 weeks from the start of no contact for her to get through this. Until she gets through that, it is unlikely she will commit to working on her relationship and marriage with you. Hence she hoards some money as an insurance policy because she has not committed yet.

Give her a bit of time. Do Plan A - show her you are capable of meeting her needs. Avoid love busters. See info on all this in Dr HArleys basic concepts on this site.

Keep posting here - vent your anger. Yell, shout, scream here. You are not alone - we have been where you are right now. There is a way through. The hurt will go away. Your marriage can be better than it was before. You will be able to build trust with your wife - although not the blind faith and blind trust you had before.

My friend - this is a rollercoaster. You will be emotionally torn up and down for some many months. It's a marathon - not a sprint. There are no quick pat answers. A lot of hard work, love and understanding will be required. The rewards are great.

To answer your first question, Yes. All of our friends and family now about the affair. As far as someone that can influence her is her father. I beleive he is the one that convinced her to stay at home and let the emotions die down some before making any drastic mistakes.

It has now been about 5 weeks since d-day and 3 weeks since NC was put into place.

Yes, I have been doing a lot of reading on this site since I found it about 3 weeks ago.

Thanks for commenting.

need2bloved43 - Welcome to the system. I'm glad you found a wonderful place for support and advice while I am saddened that yet another person is joining the ranks of the "Betrayed."



I understand what you think you need, but she is incapable of giving a "100%" effort. If she was, there would have been no Affair to begin with. You are, in my opinion, setting the "bar" so high as to insure a "failure." At this point in time, an "agreement" to end the affair and to TRY to recover the marriage is all the commitment you can get and is all the commitment you need.

Don't me wrong, I KNOW you want and need more, you are going to have to put those things on "hold" for now and take things "one step at a time."




THE most common thing that Betrayed Spouses hear from their Wayward Spouse....."I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you." Ya, and when they find themselves no longer 'in-tinglies' with their lover, they'll find a new one. This is just one of the "rationalizations and justifications" that Wayward Spouses use to enable themselves to engage in Adultery and make it "seem right" to themselves.



Lying, right to your face, is on Page 1 of the "Wayward Spouse Manual on How to Have Your Cake and Eat It Too." It's a practiced skill they all acquire.



Yep. It all "justifies" Adultery. That's in Chapter 3 of the "Wayward Spouse Manual." It's under the subheading "Exit Affair" and justifying the deepest betrayals of trust. Excuses, excuses, excuses....



Most of us Betrayed Spouses (BS's) faced the same situation, but we didn't CHOOSE Adultery as the way to handle the lack of Emotional Need fulfilment. In my case, it was 6 years. We KNOW what you are feeling and what you are trying to say.



You do NOT appear to be in counseling with a trained MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. At best it sounds like an "Individual Counselor" who is masquerading as a Marriage Counselor. My advice would be to find a trained counselor, immediately, who is committed to saving marriages and holding both of you accountable for working on the MARRIAGE, not your own ability to "feel good" about yourselves.



A start. A good, positive start. But the "race" is far from over yet. The AVERAGE recovery timeframe is 2 years, so buckle up for the long haul and keep reminding yourself, "patience, patience, patience."




Trust will NOT be reestablished for a long time. "Blind Trust" is gone forever, and only by consistant, trusthworthy behavior, over an extended period of time, can trust be reestablished. So keep working at it, but accept that the commitment is more important right now and that trust WILL be reestablished in time.

As for the money....stashing money is typical for many "affairees." They have to fund the extracurricular activity somehow. But transparency is needed in recovery and NO "secrets," and certainly no "secret slush fund" is acceptable to recovery. I have no doubt that she is afraid that you might decide to "kick her out on her butt," because that is a normal reaction to ADULTERY....3

YOU, if you are serious about wanting to recover your marriage, need to make it clear to her that what you said a year ago was BEFORE you had to confront the reality of her adultery and not a "hypothetical." Both my wife and I, at various times in our marriage, said; "If you cheat on me, I'm out of here!" Many on the system have similar stories. THIS is reality...NOW....you are both TRYING and need to keep trying to face the problems and work through them.

God bless.

Need2bloved43,

Since your W is in the withdrawal stage, you’ll find the following thread helpful (click on link):

A quick start guide on withdrawal for FWS’s and BS’s

You can also print out the above thread and give it to your W to read.

The “I love you, but not in love with you” speech is very common for a WS and even FWS's who are still in fog and intense/early withdrawal. The confusion they have because of this is also very common. Please read more about it from my perspective as a FWW on this link to give you more insight and understanding.

Thanks to all for the support that I so desperatly need. I ordered the books today. Surviving an affair and his needs and her needs. I am not sure how my wife will respond when they show up at the door.

The books do help, really. My FWH and I read "Surviving an Affair" together, and it helped us both have the courage to TRY. That was the first positive feeling I had since D-Day.

But you have to be patient and not expect too much at once. One observation I made was that a WS does not WANT to come out of the fog initially. They have lied to themselves and justified their behavior because they knew what they were doing was horribly wrong and hurtful. To come out of the fog is to face it, and that is very painful. So my FWH was a little reluctant at first to make much of an effort. Be prepared to go through some of these phases--be prepared to be ANGRY, and HURT, and so many, many things.

Things get better. Day by day, you just keep working at it. It helped me to focus on positive things I could do to improve the relationship. It gave me a little stability to feel like there were some things I could do to control the situation. I can't control my FWH--but I can control myself and the way I react. Focus on those things.

You can do this.

-CSJ
___________________
BS (me) 34
FWH 32
Married 1997
DD, 4; DD, 22 mo.
PA 10/4-10/5
DDay 11/17/05
In recovery

I realize it is early in recovery but I feel so alone

that's because you both are accepting this ghostly existance within the home...

ironic ain't it...
some people say they had affairs because they felt so far removed from on another....

and sometimes upon discovery we perpertuate and act out the exact "environment" for an affair...

bigger picture is you want to recover...together and create a strong strong unified team and bond of great love and respect...

this is not the time to go belly...
and nor is it the time for grandiose expulsions of love...

but it is time to begin the proof of hope, and love, and the ability for people to change and be forgiven in action...

the good news is..
is that it gives you lots of work to do..
to keep you busy...

DO NOT participate in an environment of stalemates and quiet...

which does not mean you should go for the jugular to get answers either...

instead work from the sidelines and periphery...

take control of the environment of the home...

put music on...

huge huge risks..here...but try little at a time....expect NOTHING .
and prepare for rejection....
there is much freedom in expecting N O T H I N G

watch a show together and hold her hand...

stop after work and bring her a fav. dessert from a restaurant...

do an extra chore....

grab her and ask her for one dance in the kitchen....

if you both go to your respective corners you are wasting valuable time is showing her that you are safe for her to come to and speak to...

if you both go to your respective corners...too much becomes
is he watching me.??..
what did she mean when she said this or that...etc etc...

the silence is filled with tormented cries of pain from each person...

this is not the marriage you want..
this is not the way to build communication...

smile when you see her...

tell her a memory of a time you and she did something and how today you thought of that at work and smiled....or laughed...

tell her she looks beautiful...and tell her you are sorry that you got lost for while and quit telling her such things..

in other words my friend..

take a leap of faith...

in ALL honesty

you have nothing to lose....
and only to gain..

ARK

I wanted this bumped to the top. Since you started the other thread, I needed to see what help you have already had.

I see you have gotten lots of support. Let's work from there.

L.

Did you do anything suggested..

it is futile while in plan A to EXPECT anything in return..

ANYTHING

have you read up on plan A

ark