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#1599713 02/27/06 09:19 AM
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I would like advice on how to restore my husband trust in me? I was VERY dishonest in our finances and now we have a 50,000 worth of debt. Even though it ALL went to take care of the family it was very deceitful how I did it. Can someone give me there opinion. Am I even worth being with?

AM I worthy?
single choice
Votes accepted starting: 02/27/06 09:16 AM
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Sour-

I'm not sure why you made this a poll, nor am I sure why you posted this in the infidelity forum.

Were you or your husband unfaithful?

God Bless,

-Caren


Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.

BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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B and work very hard to clear up the debt. We all get in over our heads at some time or another. It's life, you'll be OK and if you work together, set financial boundaries and stick with them it should not happen again.


"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Well I apoligize for putting it in the wrong spot, just a little confused. My husband says that it worst than cheating. He actually said He'd wish I had an affair instaed. I just don;t know what to do. I see it totally different than he does. It was wrong, not saying it was'nt. The intent was not to hurt him in anyway.

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Trust me NOTHING IS WORSE THAN CHEATING! It's only money, it can be repayed, you can work to repay it, you aren't telling him ILYBNILWY, you are there for him, you haven't shared his bed with another man. It will be easier to fix than an A, you aren't off in a fog, etc...


"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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SOURMILK.

First of all, your husband just demonstrated his lack of knowledge with that single statement. He has no clue. That he would say something like that really makes me wonder about some of the skeletons in his closet. That's my gut.

As for what you did. You are absolutely worth keeping. The things we do and grow from make us stronger people. As long as you choose to grow from this and not repeat it, you'll be fine.

Don't worry about posting here by accident. I would guess there was a reason for it, you just haven't had it revealed to you yet.

-hang in there


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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RookKev thank you for your warm suport. The crazy thing is he was married twice before and BOTH of those women cheated. The first wife lied about the first child even being his!! Now i'm just trying to figure out why, WHY is he so ready to kick me to the curve when he tried in the first and second. I know I hurt him deeply with the lies, BUT I AM SO SORRY AND ASHAMED! I need his support not his boot. He is cold, no conversation. He does not call anymore during the day, where he called three to five times a day. Called as soon as he left work. No more, nothing. He does'nt even answer his cell on the first call. Is he hurting that bad, he is willing to hurt me even more. I just don't get it.

I'm not sure who is male and female. Maybe I need a male to shed some light on this.

I've NEVER been unfaitful. Always there for him and MOST OF ALL the kids. I've stayed at home for 5 years! I've supported him with everything, even his child support dilema that has been a thorn since day one. Never no complaints about the issue of that. I just played the cards we were dealt. I make one mistake and he is ready to give up everthing! What gives? Am I seeing this totally wrong or what?

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Hi sourmilk511:

I am sorry you are here but there is a lot of good info on this site.

2 things I noticed in your posts. When you husband said cheating would have been better I think is wrong. However, you did say his first 2 wives did cheat on him so he does know how bad that can be. But both of those marriges ended so he knows that cheating is not better.

The 2nd thing is $50,000?? Lets not gloss over this because depending on how much money you both earn that can be a ton of money. If a person earns $200,000 a year it can be made up. If a person earns $30,000 a year maybe it cannot.

What happened with the $50,000? Can you give more details on what happened with it and how you hid it from your husband? Did you have shopping problems? If you could give more information it would be helpful.

Since his first 2 wives cheated on him he probably does not have a lot of faith in people anymore. Best of luck.

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sm,

I am not so sure I can offer any advice. I can relate to your situation, mine was similar and is why I am responding.

My wife and I have had issues with finances for years. Very similar to yours. Alot of what she did was not hidden from me. I was saying similar stuff your H is now. I actually told her the exact same thing, I would rather her cheat on me then use me and take me for granted (thats alot of how the money issues made me feel).

I was married before, that marriage ended a bit over 15 years ago. She cheated. Yeah, sure. I would rather her cheat. Stupid.

I would go back to feeling used, neglected, taken for granted WITH my wife and family intact anyday over what we are going through now.


D-day 12-15-05
Divorce 06-27-06 by XWW
41 BS (me)
34 WW
12 DS
14 DS
18 DD (prev marriage)
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IHadEnough thank your for your concern
Here it is as I can explian it:

I OVER spent our budget. I robbed from piggy bank to fill another. It was an on going cyle that went on for two years. Ultimately I lost control. I wanted to tell him I was in trouble SO SO SO mant times but was so ashamed at the part of failing and poor choices I made for the family. I did not spend the money on myself or selfish habits. I just let cars be bought I KNEW we could not afford, shopping sprees that were not affordable and just your everyday itms.(in excess) I just NEVER wanted to tell my family no. It seemed as if I could fix it as time went on, but I got deeper and deeper and deeper. It ran out. I lied about the finances to cover the mistakes and just could not fix it.
When things were good, everyone was happy! I saw my husband happy, and that made me want to make him happier. I felt that if I keep the stress of the money away from him, I could somehow help him reach his goals in life. He has been done wrong by EVERYONE he cares about, and I thought some way I could change that for him. I only wanted hin and the kids to have the very best. He GAVE so much to us, and I let him down. I feel awful. I hurt everyday, all day. I just wish I could take his pain away. I'm lost. How can I fix this?

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Did I catch up above that you're a stay-at-home Mom? So you were doing all this spending and he, the breadwinner, who knows how much $$$ he makes, didn't notice that you were spending more than what he was taking in? Dare I say that he may have played a part in this to at least some degree by not questioning your purchases or failing to look at credit card bills and bank statements? I cannot imagine not at least giving these things a glance once a month, even if the other partner is doing the lion's share of bill paying and account balancing.

Not trying to shift blame, but surely $50,000 in excess purchases is something that should not go unnoticed by anyone. And IMHO, all major purchases like cars, furniture, and stuff should be POJA'ed anyway.

Try putting your words into action. Cut up the credit cards in front of him. Make an appointment with a credit counselor. Maybe you can get one at low or no cost through an employee assistance program at your H's work. Develop a budget and stick with it, and show your H the progress you make with debt reduction.

As for whether piling up debt is worse than being cheated on, only your H can say that for sure, as he has been the victim of both and only he knows how he really feels. I can certainly understand why he feels violated here, but before kicking you to the curb, I think he should give you an opportunity to try and turn this around. You'd both got a family to think about.

Along with credit counseling, a good MC might be in order as well to help deal with the anger/secrecy issues and come up with a way to keep this from happening again.

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Thank you for the word of encouragement. The steps I have taken so far. I have a part-time job. No money yet, but working on it. NO CREDIT CARDS! We have separate bank accounts now. So any and all money is distributed from him. I give him ALL receipts. One thing that does hurt, he does not share with me anymore how much money he is bringing home. He has been secretive with HIS money now. He got A LARGE Bonus and I have no idea how much. The only reason I know is by hios conversation and mood. I deserve it anyway. It just hurts. I am in couseling, but he has made no effort to join me yet. I hope that he will soon, before it is too late. I don;t want to do things like move our family around if we can salvage this. I mentioned to him, we could do allot more positve things TOGHTER than seperate. I really don't know where his head is. I know he has thrown up and emotional wall for protection. Maybe I should just give him space right now. Should I? I'm already sleeping in the other room.

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Sourmilk,

Where did the $50,000 come from.

Was it credit cards?


Were they in his name.


Is his credit shot now?


Does he have to claim bankruptcy?

Lady

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I agree with GBH you would think that he would have noticed the spending and he does know how much he makes??

This is a good reason why both spouses need to get involved with the finances. They are both responsible.

I don't need to know a dollar amount but does your husband earn a good living or not? Can this amount of money be made up or would it take him 20 years to do it?

Can you sell some of the things you bought? You say cars were bought could they be sold to reduce the debt?

Everyones needs in life are different. To me the money would be a big deal but maybe not a deal breaker. If I earn $150,000 a year I may not divorce my wife over debt of $50000. If I make $15,000 a year I might think about it.

Since you are working how long would it take you to earn that much. If your income can go to retiring the debt and you show him you are committed he may be able to overcome this.

How did you deceive him on this? Over 2 years this is quite a bit of money so how were yo uable to "Pull the wool over his eyes for that long"?

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IHadEnough to answer you questions. We can pay the debt off all right now, or have a little patience and pay some now the rest by the end of the year. We have enough in equity. He makes a good living. Put it this way, if I get a job earning 30% of what he makes I can pay the debt off myself in a year or two. If I have to take care of another household myself it will take allot longer.
No I really can't sell much of anything. Clothes for the kid, maybe some furniture, and my purses could be consigned. I've tried to do that already.
Far as deceiving him, I just was not honest about how much we really had. He trusted me totally, that is how I pulled the wool over his eyes. I totally abused that! How can one start to repair that.
I never gave him the chance to even help the situation, I kept it from him all the time. EVERYTHING (money)

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Lady as far as the credit, yes it is shot to ******!
The money came from CC and credit lines at the bank.

We are trying to avoid bankruptcy.


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