Thank you for your replies...

In my case this 1st OM lives 1100 miles away and I have not had any contact with him in over a year. There is no risk that any contact would ever resume. So what do you do? Call their house after all has been over with for so long? I don't have his wife's email account, so the only option is to call their house.

The fact is though that I should not go beyond what my husband wants if he feels that we should not contact her. I feel as if this OM got off with no consequence to his actions.

The 2nd OM's wife in my situation does know of our online affair. It's just the first OM's wife that knows NOTHING.

Do you all honestly feel that Harley is correct in telling your children about an affair? I just cannot cause them that kind of pain unnecessarily.

Let me add something that our Kiwi has often stated here. She had an affair and she swears up and down that exposure to the OMW is what prevented her from pursuing the OM. Since she knew that the OMW knew, she wouldn't risk her wrath by pursuing him. She said exposure to the OMW was what killed the affair.

This was not true in my situation. The 2nd OM's wife knew of our online affair. I didn't "pursue" him further, but we did have some continued contact after the EA ended.

The first OM's wife knows nothing and I would never consider pursuing this man again EVER!

I think it will probably cause YOU more pain than them. Children can better deal with the truth than with lies. My parents lied to me about my fathers affairs when I was a child and it caused enormous problems for me. But that is something for you and your H to decide.

I don't think that notifying a betrayed spouse is a POJA issue at all and Harley never presented it that way.

But it is true in most situations. The odds of resumption are greatly decreased when both spouses know. Just because you managed to sneak around and fool the OMW does not erase that fact.

Do think it is advisable for me to contact this OM's wife without my husband's approval?

I don't agree here because my children have no reason to believe that any of this happened. In my situation I believe it would cause more harm for them to hear this of their mother.

You have to do what you feel is right, but if my husband were asking me to do [or not do] something I knew was not right, I would do the right thing.

So the right thing is to expose this to the OM's W on my own? Risk either of them calling my house in return? That's a big risk of causing more hurt to my family and husband - knowing that I went ahead and called the OM's wife anyway.

Yes, there is always a risk in doing the right thing. There is risk in everything. If we only did the right thing when it was EASY, then nothing good would ever get done. However, your family has already been hurt. And has healed from your affairs. The OMW has not had that opportunity.

It is more likely that the OMW will be grateful that you were decent enough to tell her the truth.
Most are. Now maybe she can have the same opportunity that you and your H had to salvage her marriage.

Back when this A ended, I did not know of MB at all. So from that standpoint, I didn't know what the right thing to do was. My husband and I were figuring out everything on our own and didn't even go to a counselor. Thus, how I ended up involved with OM#2....

Things have changed in how my husband views things, but I am sure he would not want me contacting this woman. I will have to think about it.

2BN-

I'm going to chime in with my 2 cents worth...not sure that it's worth that much, but here goes.

From my perspective, it would have been one thing to have told OMW back when the affair ended, or reasonably soon there after. At this point, doing ANYTHING that would risk resumed contact between you and OM, even something NEGATIVE like this, simply isn't in YOUR marriage's best interest. And doing so against the wishes of your H would make matters worse.

Again, had you done so shortly after the A, I could see that. But two years down the road is another story. At this point, you're beyond the point where telling her is going to do her any real good...yes, he might have become involved in another affair...but you don't KNOW that, and telling her this now is going to create more stress and tension in YOUR marriage.

Personally, I think you should drop the subject, both mentally and emotionally. Worrying about ANYTHING to do with either OM now is contrary to your recovery.

Again, just MHO.

Owl, I agree with you. That is why I never did call the OM's wife. It's just too risky to do so now. If I called, I don't know WHO would answer the phone...it could be the OM or it could be his wife! I have an idea of when to call so that she would answer, but that is based on what I knew 2 years ago! And I agree that this OM could have possibly gotten further involved in another affair. I have thought about that.

I just don't want to cause more harm for my marriage at this point.

I think if I were the OMW, I would be grateful to know this information about my own life if it were 2 years or 5 years or 10 yrs later so I could have the same opportunity to salvage my marriage that 2BNormal had. This woman will never get that opportunity though if no one will tell her. Her marriage will always be based on deceit and she will always be at risk if no one will tell her.

2BNormal, I honestly don't see how you think this would "cause harm " for your marriage. Your H already knows about it. Further, the "harm" was caused by the AFFAIR, not by the exposure.

If we only did the right thing when it personally benefited us or wasn't too inconvenient, what does that say about us?

Even so, 2BNormal, no one here is trying to make you do something. If you don't want to do it because it is too personally inconvenient, then don't do it. You don't need to justify yourself. But don't demand that others have to agree its a good idea, because it's not.

ML -
This is not about being too personally inconvenient for me. It's not about that at all and if you thought so, then you misinterpreted what I have written.

What it is about is a respect for my husband and "OUR MARRIAGE". I do agree if I were the OM's W, that I would want to know. But I will not go behind my H's back to do that. That is what would cause harm in my marriage....being deceitful to my husband and going behind his back to do something against 'his wishes'.

2BNoraml, I have never suggested you go behind his back. Rather, I would do it with or without his approval simply because it is the right thing to do and because you OWE her this. Perhaps if you explained your reasons to your H he would understand, but I have never suggested you hide this.

All of the reasons you gave against it involve your OWN personal benefit, that is why I say that you are placing personal benefit above doing the right thing.

Just consider this, 2BNormal, because no one will tell this woman the truth, this man is free to carry on more affairs. And probably is. If she knew about your affair, she would know she can't trust him and watch her back.

It is for the benefit of my husband and OUR MARRIAGE...not just ME. It's about showing RESPECT to what my husband wants. To do so without his permission would cause further damage to his trust in me!


He most probably is or has. They both have had affairs in the past prior to me.

Let me ask you this...if you were in my position, just how would you go about calling this woman? What would you say to her? What if my husband doesn't want me to call her? I would rather he do the calling, but if he won't then it lies with me to do the calling.

I would call her myself if it were me, because it was ME who was involved in causing the harm. I would feel obligated to apologize for my part. I would just be as compassionate as possible and express my deep regret. Give her the facts and answer any of her questions. I would give her my email address in case she has any further questions.

But before I did any of that, I would say a prayer and ask that God guide you in telling her in the best way. He will be on your side if you are doing the right thing.

2BNormal, I think you are a good person who is truly concerned about doing the right thing. Please don't think I don't know that, my friend. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here asking about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ML -
Thank you for your words. I do and did have concern that this OM's W did not know. It just all became so complicated after so much time has passed and then I became involved with yet another OM online.

So much to think about and before I would EVER call this woman, I would discuss it with my husband.