My daughter just told me tonight that my WW's 'friend' OM has been coming to their apartment...sometimes staying to watch TV...bringing WW home from work etc.


My DD even said he's a "nice guy." I about puked. She told me tonight that she is angry at WW (Mom) and angry at me for not telling her 3 years ago because of how it has affected her life...told me she would never forgive me for this. The conversation didn't go well. She didn't even want to listen to my reasoning. She was just mad about what it has done to her life. I don't blame her. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling anyone...being the kind,loving, patient, walked all over husband right up until I found this website. Now I know what an idiot I've been. My WW is introducing the devil to my kids and they are accepting him. I have screwed up so bad with this whole thing. I am so angry that she is bringing him into their lives. Why do my kids accept him? They know she shouldn't be seeing another man. Is it because I have been an enabler? I have been praying for wisdom on how to handle this A business for nearly three years now...I only found it here at MB 2 weeks ago. I am feeling so depressed...so angry...wondering why it took so long for me to get the right answers. I feel hopeless right now! It's like my wife has all ready exposed the A ON HER TERMS!

I have an appointment with Dr. Harley in the morning. I'm hoping I can figure out what to do. Is there a plan C?
Just kidding!
RoT

Just as you are angry and frustrated so are your children. Now that it is out in the open....the healing can begin.

Isn't it weird how what s/b your downfall will be what helps you cope and survive? That is because you are a BS.....be a survivor!!! Now let your children know that their anger is justified.... u r angry also....but it is vital that angry energy be put to good use....then ask for their suggestions....let them vent, then tell them you have some suggestions also..... then give them.

1. Agree to come up with a plan t/b be each others support.
2. Make decisions as a family.
3. Be available to hear each other out and NOT stifle a vent or valid agrument.

4. Help each other over painful encounters
5. Learn how to reverse babble. Teach your children the same.

6. Teach your children the difference between respect and being manipulated. Equip them with the tools to avoid and escape being used to enable the A by the WS and OM.

7. Reassure them of your love and tell them you will never abandon them.

8. Setup test codes to communicate when things are not well around the WS. Plan an escape route.

9. Get your children into a good IC program.

10. Notify the school so they can provide help.

11. Encourage your children to write or draw out their thoughts to both you and the WS....even the OP if they choose.

Love your children....show them it is possible to move forward with dignity and grace despite being victims of the A. Let them know you were a victim also. While you are working hard at making good changes and improvements...these improvements are for you and the family.....not the WS but for your W.

Show them the difference between the WS and their mom. Teach them how to communicate with each type.

l.

Thanks for the great advice Orchid.

I'm wondering what my 'about to go on a mission for our church son' will have to say. He may be angry too, that I didn't tell him...so this could all be a can of worms. I learned tonight from my daughter that I'm not going to get as much sympathy from them as I might have, if I had told them right away, because they are in as much pain over this as I am. My daughter didn't want to know anything about how hurt I feel. She said, "What about how I feel." This is killing me! I know that when I expose this mess my WW will accuse me of taking the attention away from my son's mission and redirecting at her. Frankly I'm hoping to sabotage the relationship my WW is trying to foster with my kids and OM. I even thought of getting a legal separation and trying to gain sole custody of my daughter so I could keep my WW's wicked ways (new acronym: WWWW) away from her.
RoT

It needs t/b about them. Your feelings will have t/b dealt with later. You do owe them an apology but let them know this is new for u 2 and u thought it w/b in their best interests NOT to bring them pain. Now you know better and thank them for sharing their candid feelings with you. While you don't like to hear bad stuff, you realize it is more important to hear the truth, so you are digging in your heals and if they are willing to help you heal, you will never disappoint them like this again. Let them know your shock hindered seeing their current pain but now yuo are seeing things much clearer. Then ask....what t/d going forward. Their suggestions may surprise you.

take care,
L.

River:

My son rebelled against his Wayward mother and said he would never have anything to do with the OM. On the otherside, my daughter kept quiet and never swayed against her mother during the affair.

I think it is amazing how a WS wants to impose their new life and lover on to the family as if it is normal and acceptable. Here is the guy that broke up our hime and now he is going to replace daddy. It is pretty sickening.

TooSoon