I feel blessed, but still on eggshells... lots of history..

recap...

15+ years in M
4 boys 14,14,12,2
(me) 2 ONS 92 and 94...
(her) ONS 92 ( vengance) 98 PA (wake up call for me), 99 EA, now... PA/EA

Throughout our marriage I have been much less of a husband/father than I should have been... I was young at first ( 21, she was 19) ( I take responsibility). Marriage was new and I made some terrible mistakes like setting ground rules for certain things... MY DAYS.. guys only ( used to be in a bike club) BAD IDEA... didn't last long... 3 months into M we were pregnant with twins.... no idea what to expect...priorities SHOULD have shifted... but they didn't shift right for me... I was not there for her or the kids in many ways... just the money maker for the house...she felt alone with the kids, like I didn't care ( I did, but didn't show it correctly). She was very dependant on me for 90% of everything.. no joke... I liked it and felt a sence of being wanted/needed.... This feeling had been twisted into control after a few years when insecurities krept into my life after this.... 91 the twins were born...

92 ONS happened after LOTS of alcohol and I really dont remember it.. but I did something ( honestly, I don't remember).. afterwards, my guilt turned my feelings upside down and began to treat my family much worse with neglect... feeling I didn't deserve them... I finally told her and shattered her 'dream' of what a M was supposed to me... so hurt by this, she had ONS for vengance with best friend (guess he wasn't a friend at all). The guilt she felt was overwelming and she told me. Knowing the guilt , hurt and pain.... I knew that we needed to really fix things in the R. We realized the damage caused by each others actions and grew very close together in a much stronger way... we didn't want this to happen EVER AGAIN
( look where we are now) We never sought MC at this point be young and ignorant in our ways and thought we could get over this on our own.... and we did for a while and decided to have our 3rd child....things were good on the outside.. but the inside? YEAH RIGHT... a band-aid on a sucking chest wound only holds for so long...

2 years later, the cycle of what transpired earlier on was repeating itself... my old ways of taking the M for granted were back and hum drum lifestyle was very prominent... I loved my wife and kids, but never knew how to express it properly ( the way SHE needed to see it and feel it). Again ONS that was HALTED by me when I realized what was happening... GUILT was terrible.. I couldn't believe what I was letting transpire... I told my wife ( good idea or bad.. I didn't know at the time) This crushed her once again even harder, because she wanted to know EVERYTHING.... and stupid me laid it out the table leaving a VIVID memory in her mind to this day... I was proud of myself for stopping it, but how much better I would have felt if I stopped it BEFORE it started... We tried MC for 2 sessions, but neither one of us were into it becuase we didn't really know what to work on.... or at least I didn't at the time... she had been telling me she was unhappy and lonely, felt neglected ect/... but I didn't hear her or understand all that... if I only knew then what I know now....sigh... So now not wanting this to EVERY happen again to either of us, I twisted the dependancy on her... over ther years it grew into control... I didn't let her go places with friends that I didn't like... told her that I wouldnt waste money on college for her becuase she couldnt make it.... ect... I was a real @$$hole back then ( I can see that now) My insecurities went CRAZY in our life.

Even though this control was a learned behavior, it became our way of life... she allowed it, which meant to me that she liked it and never tried to stop me... oh how bad this is..... I thought she wanted to be controlled... WRONG ANSWER!!!

As this continued... we now have band-aids that are old and wounds are bleeding from the past into our present because we never corrected the root issues ( we NEVER resolved anything on WHY these things took place) so it gets worse....

98 she has enuf of the controlling behavior that has smothered her... and she has a PA out of spite.... WAKE UP CALL.... she was fed up with my behavior... I did all the wrong things.. PANIC, APPEASEMENT, BEGGING,PLEADING..ect...
I took matters into my own hands and I was going crazy.... I gave to God and he helped me thru a terrible ordeal and we stayed together, but things were still not fixed....

The cycle repeats itself..

Back to the hum drum days and neglectful/controlling behavior returned in 99 and she , having voids from unmet EN's found OM to fill them and that he did... I was in shock.... nothing physical ever occured, but this was the WORST feeling in the world... completely attached to OM... ow.....

again... I turned to God and this site... wealth of knowledge. With God’s help and support and guidance from the wonderful folks here… we made it and I began to make changes in my life for the better… but that wasn’t enuf… I had deep unresolved issues that needed to be worked on that I didn’t realize….but things were very good and we decided for a 4th child…. We wouldn’t have done this if we were fully aware of what was buried deep in both of us Im sure… without fixing it first…we really didn’t know…

Yes… the cycle does repeat….

The present day….

I had a gut feeling that things were not right again….starting in Nov 05, she told me that she had been talking to a guy online… WHY!?!?! Why put yourself out there? I was crushed, not wanting to go through this again…. But she put an end to it and we started to fix things ( oh boy… like we can do this alone) My controlling nature was back in force in many ways….trying to keep tabs on here, but not really knowing how bad this was driving a wedge between us.

Then one day, she came out wearing a shear cotton shirt ( not really) but you can still see thru it a bit and I made a stupid comment…” That shirt looks like trash…” that topped the cake… she began to withdraw from me at a rapid rate and then decided to go to her relatives house the following weekend a bit early… I tried to get off that Friday and told her I would but insisted to go up ( with the kids) on Thursday…. I didn’t hear from her from 9am to 11:30 pm… she needed space….my gut told me otherwise but had no real proof and she was doing EVERYTHING a WW would do… hiding her cell…. Vibrate mode only… talking outside… going shopping for HOURS and not coming home with a thing… avoiding me like the plague.

I read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr Dobson which enlightened me a lot….I let her go… didn’t smother her or be clingy… my defenses went up but I was still loving her no less and really avoiding emotional collapse in front of her. No LB’s at all…. But my emotions would get to me and I would have to leave the house in order to compose myself.

Around 15 Feb is when I got some hardcore evidence of my gut telling me an A was taking place…. Keeping my composure, I needed more proof.. so I waited for more and got more… then more than I bargained for…. A 10 year friend ( also married) was carrying on lude conversation via email with WW… I have never trusted many people in my life… this was one reason why… he betrayed me and our friendship and I called him on it. Needless to say.. he called my WW with concern for her safety which is when she found out I had access to her email. This was 1 March….

This is where a turning point took place in a good way…

On 2 March she called me at work and told me many things the ALIEN would say… I don’t love you … its over… I hate you…. I want you out… ect… I knew the anger in her was yelling out…. So I kept calm and loving… I told her I knew everything and had the proof to put closure to my gut feelings. She was livid… YOU
INVADED MY PRIVACY… ect… I understood that this was the ONLY private personal thing she had in her life and I violated that… BUT SHE GAVE ME REASONS TO DO SO AND I AM NOT SORRY FOR FINDING WHAT I DID.. but I am sorry that she feels this way.

After the first 2 hours on the phone… yes… 2 hours… divorce papers were discussed, selling the house, moving out… ect I said if this is what you want I cannot stop you and love you no less…

She called me back twice a little later with msgs ( CALL ME) so I did when I got a chance. Voices were calm…. Peaceful…. I explained that all I wanted was honesty and truth from her and gave every opportunity to show it.. she never did…. So I snooped. She was hurt, her feelings we being expressed at this point in her words. I ensured I understood each of them and acknowledged them back to her as well…I got off the phone with her at 3:00pm

I got home at 6pm ( this all started 8:30am) And she was on the computer. YOU HAVE TO GO HERE…. She says lets go to the bedroom and talk….

We sit, staring at each other…. She apologized for all the nasty things she had said earlier that day. She begins to tell me of the hatred and betrayal she felt…. I listen….heard here well… loving a peaceful. I explained again why I did these things and that I wouldn’t have done them if she was honest. Then the ball is thrown…. She says,” We have been together for 15 years and a lot has happened, I want to give councelling a try, its seems to be working for you and your behavior ( been in councelling since first week of Feb for controlling behavior) and I cannot just throw this all away… I do love you, but you have to change your ways and make me feel loved and secure in our marriage… I haven’t felt that way in many years and Im tired of feeling alone.”

OH MY GOSH!!!! I was stunned!!!! She was talking to her best friend and she looked to our neighbor for guidance since they both have had experience where she didn’t. They helped her see that it wasn’t all about her…. Im so glad for this.

She has since had no contact with OM, nor does she desire to… she is 100% committed to making this work now. We have been talking for hours on end, calling me up and letting me know what she is doing, where she is going and not doing things alone… always with our neighbor… she is trying to rebuild trust and honesty. We have spent countless hours together in the last 3 days and I can say we are both cautious ( nervous) about this is going.. trying to take it one day ata time and not dive in as there is much to be resolved still.

MC has been scheduled for us, just waiting on an appointment time and we will start to attend. I am excited and nervous… my guard is still up but we are both lowering the walls a little each day to let more of each other in to meet our needs.

It feels soooo wonderful that I it helps heal the pain each minute that passes. Feelings of joy, love, compassion and companionship, affection… all those things are slowly returning and healing many wounds.


I wanted to share this with you all since I have been leaning hard on a few of you and you all haven’t heard from me in a while…..

Thanks and I will definitely keep updating this posted at things develop and grow…

God works.. if you let Him….

Hm.... why made her turn the corner?!?!?!?

L.

maybe the fact that she knew I found out and still loved her no less....

maybe she saw the damage that it would cause.... meaning its not just about her....

maybe because she realized she still loves me and that I am changing....

maybe I don't care why she came back.... the only things that matters at this point is getting our marriage on the right track.... happy in romantic love...

Hm.... I hope you do care about your M and family enough to care why. Those who dropped their guard and accepted an WS back as is.....usually paid a heavy price later. Now you have already been down that road. I would think you'd expect more solid proof.

Still I wish you well on your recovery. Please take necessary precautions so that this isn't a false one. That means don't get your hopes up, keep your values up instead and let her come back to the family, not the other way around.

All the best,
L.

thanks....

BTW... I didn't mean to sound like I didn't care... I do care and after I posted....I thought long and hard about everything.....

I asked her point blank why she changed her mind....

" I remember now what it was like being in the middle... having to choose... I don't like it.... I cant handle it and its not fair to anyone. I know that the M will work with 100% commitment on both sides and I want this to work for us... for our kids. I allowed myself to get caught up again, Im sorry.... Its really hard to just let go, but I know I have to and need help sometimes, thats why I call (girlfriend1) and (girlfriend2) they take my mind of him when I am at a weak point. I love you very much and always have and always will. I am putting my all into this beause I know our M will be strong with help and gettting resolution in alot of areas."

I have to tell you... we have been talking sooo much..... unmet EN's.... then how to rekindle fire and emotions.... sometimes its strange how the converstations go, but still.... we have NEVER talked like this....

God's hand is in this, I know.... I didn't do it alone and neither did she...

Her response sounds very convincing and very well could be. Just the cautious BS in my. On the other hand as a BS, you s/b cautious and it is her job to convince you that she is worthy. Just don't play too hard to get.

She seems t/b trying. This is a good thing.

Besides the talking make sure you both read Hn/Hn together.

take care,
L.

OK... things seems to be going too fast... I may be too easy and making things seem fast... she has said so....

How do we slow down?

BTW.... NC at all but she admits its hard... anything I can do for her ( something to read) that will explain the withdrawl?

She is afraid of failure now... she feels I set goals too high for her to achieve... I didnt set any...

Last 24 hours has been rough on me... I love her, but I feel distant toward her.... I don't want to....

We are talking alot... I mean ALOT... feelings, expectations... ect... we both know that there is alot of work involved to R our M. I am up for it and so is she.

Our first MC session is tomorrow night... I don't think we can wait that long.

thanks for any advice or thoughts....