It has been a few months since I have posted. Brief outline is that my husband met a woman while working on a business trip. She is from the other side of the world, 12 years younger than he, and he made a decision to leave his "good marriage", his words, after ten days with this woman. This was mid last year. She has now resigned from her job and will be moving to our country in April. She briefly visited for a week in January, but otherwise has never been here before and knows no-one. Their sick fantasy has been built up from daily phone calls and numerous texts. He has continued to see his boys (6 & 8) regularly and has them to stay at his rental for a couple of nights a week when he is not travelling. Financially to date he has been supportive and has promised that he will sign our separation agreement before April. In the initial months I did the typical melt downs etc. but for the last 6 weeks it has been all Plan A. What do you now suggest I do. When she arrives do I continue to Plan A, or do I start Plan B. The separation agreement is very favourable for me and as long as this is in place prior to April, imagine that it won't take very long for her to get peeved at what he has agreed to pay out in child and spousal maintenance. They say most affairs last six months to two years. When should the six months start for us. Middle of last year or when they are together physcially on a day to day basis and not just unrealistic phone calls and txts?

I would be sure to get the agreement signed and checked by your attorney.

Since he said the marriage was good, I would go into Plan B very quickly - on her arrival sounds great. Get all of your ducks in a row before then, as Plan B takes some precautions.

Please describe how the separation agreement is favorable for you.

How does it address exposure of your boys to the OW?

How does it address his access to your home?

All details are important.

Admittedly the agreement is favourable financially only. I will take the larger chunk of our assets, and every reasonable cost incurred will be met by him unless I either remarry, enter a de facto relationship or take up full time employment. The agreement is not reviewable unless one of these things happen and will be registered with the courts. In my country I am expected to give him reasonable access to the children and I have no doubts that if I fight him on this one, he will not sign the agreement and will put up a fight through the court. The court in our country will give him access anyway (including the boys staying with him) so while any exposure to OW is undesirable, I think I will be better to take the deal and know my family is provided for indefinitely, and let them face reality and some financial hardship because of his guilt.

Perhaps this is available in your location > In my separation agreement I had inserted a provision that no overnight guests of the opposite sex could be present when my son was with my wife until after our divorce.

OM's wife took this one step further and had stated that no overnight guests could be present while her daughter was with OM until after he re-married.

Also, have you made it clear in the separation that you do not desire a divorce and prefer that your husband not separate?

Lastly, what about access to your home? If you go to Plan B, you need to prevent him from just waltzing in any time he wants.

I suggest you get this separation nailed down as soon as possible BEFORE OW arrives, Plan A all the while, then go to Plan B as soon as OW arrives. This seems to be a good line of demarcation.

Alternatively, go to Plan B as soon as the separation is signed so he has a taste of what the consequences are for his behavior before OW arrives. This may help him elevate his expectations for her arrival even further, of which she surely cannot fulfill.

Pros and cons either way. No one can predict the best sequence.

WAT

My dilema is also : while I had melt downs etc. it gave them more reason to justify their actions. OW has already contacted a lawyer friend to asscertain how I knew certain details regarding her property. This indicates to me she is already feeling threatened and ultimately will become her own worst enemy. WH is carrying alot of guilt and I wonder if by being distant but amicable that when they haven't got me to complain about, the expectations will become even higher. They haven't thought about all the other obstacles like she won't have a job as she is a non-resident, he will have to cough up money for all her needs, she will be dependent upon him entirely. We still have land which he is going to maintain so I am wondering if Plan A would be better as he will need to be here every few days for that and ultimately she will find our regular contact difficult. WH has a very short temper and I know that when I am not being difficult, ultimately I won't be the one that bears the brunt of it. He has also made comments to the affect that I will always have a hold over him and it is very hard to close the fridge door after 15 years. With this attitude I find it hard to believe that OW can be soo perfect that they can overcome all the hurdles in front of them? Regarding the separation agreement if I were to insert provisions regarding the boys I know without a doubt he will use it as a reason not to sign. Financially the burden of keeping two households to the level he is currently will be very costly, and I am sure the level of spousal support will be a hard pill for OW to swallow. I can't help but think that maybe Plan A for a few months more is an idea to give him time to turn his short temper on her?

Well, part of the idea of Plan B is that the wayward must get all of his needs met by the OW. If he has no contact with you, that will force him to seek her to meet his needs. Also when you are removed from the equation, there is nothing for the waywards to fight against. Usually they start fighting with each other.

Just popping in for this perspective adjustment moment...you sound thoroughly grounded, informed and dedicated (I can only see great marriage in your future)...

"not just unrealistic phone calls and txts?"

A reminder...the entire affair is unrealistic...keep this solidly in mind. Remember it. You are treating their relationship far more real that it is...in person or not. You are not being replaced...he is having a fantasy.

Do not inflict further pain on yourself (you got enough) by believing that in person is more real than not. It isn't.

LA

DITTO to what Believer said in her last post! Give them a chance to BURN OUT that "Honeymoon" phase, then fight like dogs!

Plan B is your answer! Let him see the respect you have for yourself!

Thank you all for your support. He has showed signs of weakness when I have become mildly distant and when OW is forced to meet all his needs it should only be a matter of time. He is sometimes conscious of the big picture, in that she wants kids, but as he is in his mid forties will not be an undertaking that he will relish. I have again today pursued the execution of our Agreement with his solicitor which he has said he will give priority when he returns from business in another week. Once I have this signed it will give me back a sense of power and the first chink in the fantasy armour will have been achieved!! I think you are all right - time for Plan B.

Well while it is not a strict Plan B, because I really do need the financial agreement executed, I did not reply to two texts last night until this morning. Then purely kept it to the questions he had asked regarding the boys. He did comment on how long it took me to reply. He really is going to enjoy Plan B huh?!

LovingAnyway
Thank you for your adjustment in my thinking. Not something that I don't know deep down, but very easy to doubt yourself and wonder if they have got it right by some chance. To add to the fantasy, OW has the same surname as we do, as if they are meant to be soulmates - how sick is that? Will remember your advice when times get tough upon her arrival.

Sounds like the OW is setting the WS up. The WS is too stupid to see it and your family's assets are in jeporady.

Now go and do a full background search on the OW. If she squabbles, expose to her side of the world. Let all know what a ****** she is.

L.

I do think she has had a lot of say in all this. Am certain she has demanded he leave his wife and kids. He has paid for every imaginable cost they have incurred. Little does she know he has done the same for me. What matters to me now is that he do this legally and when she does find out to what extent it can only add friction to their camp. She has rented her property so she has protected her assets already and will continue to let WH keep her. Will be interesting to say the least. She is also attracted to the fact that WH is a public figure in our industry, but that is one thing, living day to day life is another.

comics - where's your Plan B letter?

Plan B is NOT just changing your attitude and ignoring his calls.

WAT

WAT,
The Plan B letter will be given when I hold a signed separation agreement in my hot hand. Delaying responding to him was just a little taste of saying 'I have a life too that doesn't solely revolve around you".

LA
Do you agree that Plan B is the right direction when I have the agreement finalised?

Can I please have some suggestions how to deliver Plan B. My separation agreement has been agreed in draft form, and will be signed off this week. In the meantime OW has been in our country a week. While she is keeping a low profile at this stage, I will be relieved to get my agreement finalised before the week is out hopefully.

My WH is going offshore for 10 days in two weeks time and no doubt will be taking her with him. He has asked however, that I continue to care and feed his stock in view of the fact that he is away earning money to keep us all financially happy. Unbelievable. Can't OW meet all his needs now??? To add to the the insult, he has offered to pay me a nominal fee to do so.

As soon as I have my financial agreement in place, I intend giving him the Plan B letter, telling him to remove the last of his pieces of furniture he wants, remove the stock feed so he can access the farm without entering our property, and taking back our garage key that he has to enable him to access tools etc.

I have no doubt he is going to become very verbal, as he is a great control freak and thinks that because he has given me financially above what he is entitled to, that he has some rights and those include me playing ball and continuing to meet some of his ongoing needs.

How to I proceed? Do I deliver Plan B in strong terms, or do I try and get him to understand that this is what I have to do for me now, to enable me to be the best mother I can and to move on. He says he wants me to move on, but then his actions display otherwise. I have a PBL ready to hand him when he leaves. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Wondering about you and what you decided. It was your decision.

How are you doing? What are you learning about you, your marriage, your beliefs?

I hope you're still here, reading and lurking...and that life has turned again, showing yet another side.

LA

Well Plan B is starting to take affect.

Financials were completed last week and is now a huge relief off my mind. Took the kids away for a week's holiday, where I received at least one text per day, largely about nothing. I was intrigued when he texted me to say he had signed. I replied that he must be pleased to officially have me out of his life. He came straight back with 'you will never be out of my life'. Wait for Plan B!

Since then he has travelled to the other side of the world for business, with OW in tow. I have still received emails on most days, and while the last one was sent to the boys, it was obviously meant for me.

I have started removing the last items that he wants to take so that upon his return he will have no further need to come via the house, except on the one day that he picks up the boys.

I know he is finding this whole exercise harder than he expected, so Plan B is the only option left now. My friends told me that when she arrived he will initially leave me alone and focus on her, but he has had as much contact with me as ever. May be the grass is not greener and may be she isn't meeting all his EN's? Time will tell.