I have been married to my wife for 10 years and we have 3 children together and I have one step daughter.

About a year ago, while on booting up my computer, I received a popup stating that I had files that still

waiting to be burned to a CD. I opened it to find several pictures of my wife in suggestive and alluring poses.

I confronted her and she had said they were supposed to be gift for our anniversary, which was over 2 months

away.

She had been spending hours playing an online game (which has been uninstalled and deleted)and several times I

had caught her not playing, but sitting in one spot and talking to one particular person. I had mentioned this

and she stated that she had made some friends online. She had indeed, and even been asked to become a

contributor to the team website. It had always been difficult for my wife to make friends due to some

insecurities issues, so I let it go. I did, however, suspect that something may be going on. With the discovery

of the pictures, I put a keylogger on the the PC and found that she was engaging in Chat-sex with this

particular person. I also found her pass-word for a private email account, and upon getting into her emails I

found further evidence of an emotional affair. She said all of this wasn't real and she viewed as the same

thing as viewing ponography. She was also planning a trip to visit a friend (a female, who I have met)who lived

in the same state as the person she had been talking to. I confronted her and she swore that she would not meet

him and even changed her flight, to be over 200 miles from the man. She did not however cancel the trip. I gave

her the benefit of the doubt and stopped looking at the chat logs, and she had also deleted the email account

that she had had and replaced it with another one that I had access to (for a wile at least).

To make a long story short, I found out about a month ago that she had met him not only on the initial trip,

but on a later trip with her family to repair damage to a family condo due to the hurricannes. He apparently

had a brother that lived in the same town as her friend. I confronted her again and she at first admitted that

she did indeed meet him. Then that their had been kissing and heavy petting.

After much hand wrenching and aguing, about a week ago, she admitted having sex with him on the couch in her

friends living room (classy, huh?)

I found out he was a 22 yr old college student, although since my wife only knows what he told her on the game

( at least, as far as I know)he may be even younger. I am 37 and my wife is 33. My wife explained the entire

affair, in intimate detail, to me, stated that this may have been this guys first time, due to his inexperience

and brevity of the act. I only mention this to illustrate what she has said to me. I supposed she could just be

just trying to save my ego.

I told her I was seeking a divorce and she begged me not to leave her and our family. I told her that since she

had not ended the relationship, and continued to speak to him. Including sexual topics includidng their time

together, how could trust her?.

I finally I emailed this man and threatened to 'come have a 'man-to-man' talk with him' and in short threatened

to kick the living ****** out of him. My wife swore that he had not contacted her, but a quick check on her phone

found 3 text messages from him. I again confronted my wife and she crumbled to the floor and begged me to

forgive her again and that she had told him not to contact her , but she had tried to do it nicely. I again

contacted him, leaving a voice message essentially telling him that I would put him in the hospital, if I ever

heard her even mention his name again. She wrote him an email (in which she let me read) stating bluntly that

she wanted nothing to do with him again. She then changed her phone number and as far as I know hasn't heard

from him.

I have to say that I have been a pretty insensitive husband over the years, I drank quite a bit and at times,

and could be dissmisive and sometimes nasty in arguments. She stood by me though 2 DWIs, before I finally got

my act together. I was told by my friends that I wasn't paying enough attention to her and had lost my previous

long term (6 years) girlfriend due to the same reason. My wife had over the years had asked me to pay more

attention to her and, although I love my wife more that life itself, foolish pride caused me not to.

We have been to counseling and she is seeing a therapist. My wife admittedly has a problem with seeking the

appoval of men, which I believe stems from the her father's drinking and his failure as a parent, and I believe

for the first time she is confronting her problems and is working to better herself.

I am haunted by the mental images of my wife with another man and the thought that she could throw our marriage

and family away for a cheap romp with someone she really did know.

She has said that she never intended for this to happen and she it was a fantasy that got out of hand. She says

that she lied to keep us together, and she just wanted it to go away, despite her continues contact with him.

She says that this 'boy' had fallen for her and she didn't know how to end it properly. Her continued contact

with him makes this a more than a little hard to believe. None-the-less, I am trying to be positve.

Everything I've read state that once a women cheats and is forgiven, she will do it again. Despite how I feel

about my wife (Istill love her)I think I am OK with divorcing her, but there are children involved and this is

effecting them already. I can, I think, continue to be her friend, if I leave and would try to help her get

through her therapy and get better, but I don't know if this is simply an unhealthy desire to still be around

my wife. The lies are more difficult than the physical act to forgive and my don't wish to be a fool any

longer. Does anyone have any advice or insights?

Welcome to MB,

If you are still around you might try copying and pasting this post over to Infidelity-General Questions II as it is the most active board on this site. I can't believe this post has sat here for 5 hours without response...Sundays are the slowest day 'round here.

Anyway, you sound like you are doing a classic good job of being firm, remaining confident, and busting up this affair. I commend you for the efforts you've seemingly made on your own.

You mentioned everything you've read said your wife WILL cheat again. I strongly disagree. She may, if you don't address and overcome your marital issues and "affair proof" your marriage...but a truly reconciled marriage is a much better marriage than anything previous. I know my wife will not cheat on me again. Will I trust her blindly again, No...but a healthy marriage does not involve blind trust.

I hope you stick around. There is much to learn here about marital reconciliation. I implore you explore this issue before making any rash, emotional, decisions. IMO (in my opinion) you owe yourself, your kids and your wife an opportunity to SEE if things can work out. By the way, your wife most likely won't be in the proper frame of mind to actually work on YOUR relationship until she has completely gone to "NO Contact" and about a month of time has past. She has an addiction and must proceed through withdrawal before her mind can clear out the fog. Then spend a few months thereafter just seeing if it can be repaired.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-If nothing else get the book His Needs/Her Needs on CD and listen to it together.

I think you should forgive her for your own health. Carrying around bitterness and resentement is not good for you.
If you have time could you please PM me or explain here how to put a key-logger on your computer? I would like to gain access to my husbands email account. I have asked him to give me the code but he doesn't want to. I will keep working on him but would like the option to spy if need be that other way. thanks

***************edit******************

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you don't give up on your wife, and try to go on and have a much better marriage.

Have you stopped drinking?

Try rewording the question you ask. Instead of asking “Should I forgive her?” then ask “Can I forgive her?”

If you truly feel you should not or can not forgive her then your marriage is shot. I really want to emphasize the “truly” there. Chances are you are not sure. That’s why you are still there. If that’s the case you really should work towards forgiveness. I think you know right away if it is over. At least I did in my case.

Mind you – nobody expects you to forgive her today or even in the next months. But if you decide to stay in the marriage you have to work towards reconciliation and one step along that road is forgiveness.

Get some things clear: No matter how your past or even present behavior is you have no blame or part in your wife having an affair. Nothing at all. She had all the abilities to leave you if she was unhappy or thought the marriage dead. She had that option open – but not the option to seek fulfillment of her needs outside of the marriage.

Having said that I sometimes compare affairs to getting a heart attack. After spending some years living unhealthy and eating greasy food you get a heart attack. Either you die (the marriage ends) or you survive. If you survive you have a choice of going back to inactivity and hamburgers or to reexamine your life and start to live healthy. Now guess which group is more likely to have another heart attack?

This is your marriage. It has had a heart attack. Maybe your past behavior contributed to it but your future behavior is a major contributor to how it will develop. I strongly suggest you read the theories and learn the tools put forth on MB and work on your marriage. Commit to your wife and get her to commit to you. NC with the OM is a must and should be your first priority.

Rick...

That's it, I must interject...I am sick to death of reading your venomous and bitter posts! THIS IS A MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE...if you have no information to impart relative to that, then I would suggest that you simply do not post...I would also like to point out that unless you have dated EVERY woman on the planet, that you cannot even support the ridiculous claims that you are choosing to impart.

Didn't your parents teach you the old adage of "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all"? It appears that they indeed have not. However, based upon the maturity that you exhibit in each of your posts, I can surmise that it is probably not too late for them to do so. After reading this, why not leave your bedroom, go downstairs and ask them about it...


Mrs. Wondering

I will occasionally have a few beers, but I no longer engage in th 24/7 Good Time Charlie Oktoberfest that I used too. I used to play music (guitar in a metal band) and partied like I was in a Dangerfield movie. Still I went to work every day, was always (at least I think) a great dad, but I wrecked 2 cars, was argumentitve and once spit in her face ( I am more ashamed of that than anything I have ever done in my entire life, she should have left me right then and there and I would have deserved it.).

My point is I was no picnic. She is a good mother and beside her problems with men she has been a good friend. She seems pretty distraught over everything, and I believe she is sorry. I just don't know if that is good enough. I know that sounds bitter, but I gave her several chances and she risked everything for a kid she never met in person. I didn't, and don't deserve that, I am better than that and I can't help feeling that she really didn't care about it until I caught her. She just didn't want to be the one who was the bad guy.

I should also mention that she has had several male friends over the years and has always stated that she prefers male friends to females because they are more 'real' and not so catty. If that doesn't sound like a text book example of a 'male' problem, then nothing does.

To make a long story short, she has modified her behavior and has taken responsibility fo her actions. I just don't know if that is good enough for me to put aside what has happened. If it was any 'one' of the things she did (lying, the emails, the chat-logs, even the act if it was a spur of the mopment thing) then I think for the kids sake I could look beyond it.

BTW..key-loggers are very simple to use. Google 'key-logger' and 'freeware' and follow the installation instructions. Write down your password, because they are hard to uninstall.

BEWARE. You might like what you find.

MrsWondering,

Thank you Wayward wife. I appreciate your criticism. *********edit******** I know you love your husband. **********edit*************

[Rick's post is fully inserted above so Rick can't edit it]


My post in response:


Interestingly enough, I feel sorry for you.


Assuming you're not a lurker just trying to stir up trouble, I can only surmise that you're a bitter disgruntled man that has suffered immensly at the hands of a wayward wife.

Mrs. Wondering, however, happens to be a "Former" wayward wife. She has repented and been forgiven. She is remorseful and suffers bouts of guilt. We have a better marriage NOW than at any point previous to the affair...not because of the affair; but, in spite of it.

However, I don't believe you really care about that. You appear to be a victim and have taken a shameful turn to categorizing all women as your victimizers. Infidelity is a human condition. Men and women are equally susceptible and let he or she without sin cast the first stone. You, my friend, are in an unhealthy place and your posts do not belong nor do they have any value on a site dedicated to restoring and rebuilding marriages after infidelity.

I will be reporting your post to the moderators and it likely will be removed. Maybe you'll even get banned. Wouldn't that be great considering your contributios to this community thus far. This will be the very first time I have done such on this site but it is the most outrageous, meritless, and purposely inflamatory post that I have seen here since last spring. Fortunately, my wife and I are in a healthier place than you so your words have no affect on us; however, the feeble attempt to BE hurtful is noted. Stay away from my wife.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - Mrs. Wondering never said anything about your morality, she questioned your maturity. I question your sincerity (nefarious lurker), your maturity and your manhood as you strike out at faceless women on a message board.

Rick,

I also find your posting to be reprehensible.

Statistically, I believe that more men than women are unfaithful. Your claim that all women cheat is just plain ignorant.

I'm a woman. I've never cheated on my H. He's the only man I've ever been intimate with. We had nothing when we got married, and while we may not have much today, we've worked hard together for what we do have.

If you're not a kid getting his jollies by insulting people here, then maybe you should look at your own actions to see why your wife (if you have/had one) no longer loves you. If you're as hateful in real life as you are on this site, you have probably destroyed any love she may have felt for you. If she cheated, she was wrong, and I'm sorry that you were hurt. She should have divorced you first, and then found someone else.
LC

Wake up Rick. You're just making yourself look like something else that rhymes with your name starting with a D

ROFLMAO, BK.

Rick, why are you here? IS it just to stir up trouble?

Are you hurting and want to talk about it?

Despite what you think, not all women cheat. And not all those that cheat are nonrepentant.

Some, like Mrs W, are repentant and do a good thing by helping BS and WS alike.