I thought I might begin a thread where we could get away from destructive remarks and return to healing M. Thanks for your support; it was tough for awhile

sfjaj,
You are welcome. I know how you felt as I was there last week experiencing much of the same. I felt a need to come along side of you to support you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Any advice you wish to offer me along the way I would appreciate tremendously!

I would like to know some of your story if you would like to share.

It's been over a year since my online A ended so if I can help in anyway let me know.

I'm heading out of work here, so I'll check back later.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, here goes...I was involved in an A for nearly two years with a childhood friend. We had lost contact for awhile and struck up contact again. We were back in contact for nearly two years before it became an A. I have a seven-month-old child from the A and have been in recovery with my H for a VERY short time.

Hi sfjaj,

I'm not trying to be rude or sarcastic asking this but exactly what do you mean by "in recovery" with your H at this point and time?

Does he actually know about the affair and that he's not the father of your child?

With all due respect, if he doesn't know the child is not his, then you haven't begun recovery AT ALL.

Maybe I've missed a post and you've told him, and if that is the case please disregard this post.

No, I'd like to speak to that point: when I told him about the A, I likewise told him about the OC

Good for you! I know that took a lot of courage!

It did but not half the courage and character my H displayed by deciding to work on M recovery.

sfjaj, good on you for coming clean with H. That had to have been hard.

I've been in recovery about a year and a half. Thankfully I have a very forgiving H and we've learned about communicating and conflict avoidance avoidance.

The first few months were the most difficult; it gets better with time, counseling, and some soul searching.

My H did not feel the need to expose to all the world as I ended the A and committed to recovery in fairly short order. I consider myself fortunate because I'm pretty sure my in-laws would never have forgiven me had they known about it. They'd have made my life miserable, which would have made H miserable, too.

Do your best to let the hostility from certain BSs roll off your back. I've had similar exchanges and it sometimes does no good trying to reason.

sfjaj. I wanted to tell you that 2BNormal is a personal friend of mine (a wonderful Christian lady) and you are fortunate to have her come to your defense.

(And now others are posting encouraging words to you; you NEED a safe place here on Marriage Builders forum to express yourself.)

I see worthatry also started a thread for you; he is a GOOD GOOD man.

I felt so sorry for you for the 'verbal beating' you were getting in the now locked thread. I had a similar thing happen a while back but with a different poster.

I admire you very much. You carried a child for 9 months that was not your husband's; and until you confessed to him what a heavy heavy burden you must have had in your heart, constantly, every waking moment.

Sometimes BS cannot begin to comprehend the anquish the WS goes through. They can only see their own hurt and pain.

When I confessed my affair to my husband, he chose not to tell our children or another living soul.
He is a BLESSED man and is on a pedestal in my heart and mind.

Some of us have wonderful husbands that want to love us and protect our reputations; even when we were not thinking of that ourselves.

My husband and I just came back from a walk and I was telling him your story.
We both think that precious little baby girl is going to be a great big blessing in your lives.

...which just goes to show that it's possible to get a great deal of benefit from many of the MB principles and practices without swallowing the entire program hook, line, and sinker -- all or nothing.

Some people apparently think SHAME is a good motivator. Shame -- as in exposing an affair in order to shame the WS into doing what you want. Shame -- as in questioning the moral character of a poster who doesn't "follow the program" to the letter.

My opinion: shame IS a POWERFUL motivator, but not a GOOD motivator. It may bring about desirable short-term "benefits". But it has the potential to do a a lot more harm than good in the long term. An example: my MIL, queen of the guilt trips. She has seven kids: two of whom have been married and divorced twice... at least one of whom married an alcoholic... at least four of whom have various addictions of their own... at least three of which are now in very unahppy marriages (and it's quite possible that all five of them who are now married are unahppy, but a couple of them would be way to ASHAMED to admit it!). Very sad.

As for those who like to dole out the shame, all I can say is -- the higher the horse, the harder the fall.

sfjaj,
I'm proud of you for coming clean with everything to your H! I know how hard that was to do. How long have you been in NC?

Also, I want to post at another time a message I heard recently on Total Forgiveness. But, I have to gather my notes on it first. It lead my husband to finally totally forgive me of my affairs...it brings me to tears just thinking how this just changed him just a few short days ago. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband that has totally forgiven me for my failures!

I would like to share one thing for all of you whose spouses did not try to shame or humiliate you further by exposing your affair needlessly. To have total forgiveness, you are to let the other person "save face". You don't further embarass and humiliate the person. My husband has so protected me and our marriage from humilation that I can never thank him enough. I don't deserve this as much as he certainly didn't deserve what I did to him, but I am ever thankful for it. I admire his strength and character for this as I do any spouse that has done the same.

In my case, I exposed to my family just to ask their help and support in getting through the sheer devestation caused by my wife's affair. When I confronted her, OM bought her plane tickets and she was all set to fly off and live with him, even though they had never met in person. Based on that, I couldn't see how talking to them about it would harm her or anyone else...she was leaving anyway.

Guess what happened when my wife decided to stay. ALL of my brothers and sisters (2 brothers, 3 sisters) called that following week (while she was still in withdrawl) and let her know that they loved her no matter what. They couldn't reach her that first week given all that was going on. But they all told her that they loved her, and only wanted what was best for her, our kids, and our family. One of my sisters even shared with my wife that SHE had had an emotional affair...never told her H, and ended the affair on her own and was VERY glad she'd stayed and worked things out.

My wife was convinced that my family would disown her and hate her for what she put me and the kids through. Instead, what she found is that my family is a lot like me...they decided that if we could work things out that there was absolutely no reason for THEM to hold a grudge. They've ALL gone out of their way to ensure that my wife realizes that what happened doesn't change a thing in how they feel about her. They're very very glad she stayed and worked things out, and that she's absolutely still part of the family in every way.

Exposure has to be done THE RIGHT WAY. It's NOT about shame. It's NOT. It's about asking those people who's opinions matter to the WS to HELP the WS make the right choices. It's about asking them to support the marriage...and to support the WS as they go through this tough time, and to remind them of what they're going to give up if they continue to pursue the A. It's NOT some kind of horrific thing...it's not designed to destroy the WS...if it's done correctly. It is VERY important that it's done RIGHT. Done in LOVE. And that the communication that is given out to those exposed to emphasizes the fact that the intent is to REBUILD the marriage...not destroy the WS.

Think about this...go and re-read some of the various posts I've given about exposure. About WHY it should be done, and HOW.

I would not hesitate one instant to expose again if another A were to happen...assuming that I truly did have the ability left to attempt to reconcile anything.

Well like other sfjaj, I'm very proud of you. The only question left for me is has the OM wife been informed about the affair and the OC?

:flipside:


I would like to share one thing for all of you whose spouses did not leave you upon finding out about your affair. To have total forgiveness, you are to understand your betrayed spouse's pain is so unbearable they may react unlike you'd prefer by telling others of your infidelity. You don't further embarass and humiliate the person by accusing them of being mean for such actions or not letting you "save face". My spouse has decided to stay in our marriage even after all the humilation she suffered that I can never thank her enough. It is I who humilated both of us. I don't deserve this as much as she certainly didn't deserve what I did to her, but I am ever thankful for it. I admire her strength and character for this as I do any spouse that has done the same.

Excellent post, Owl! Very well said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lori

Owl, good points. It is not about shame, it is not about vengeance. However, it certainly CAN be about continued accountability. The FWS who have my highest admiration are those who have themselves admitted their transgressions before family members, etc. It significantly reduces the likelihood of re-ignition of the A or starting a new one.

How long has the NC been?

The reason I mentioned shame, embarassment and humiliation was because this was mentioned on another thread. It was mentioned that the WS should expect that for what they did.

I do believe there are valid reasons for exposure the right way. But I don't believe that exposure is needed in every case. Nor, do I believe the reason for exposure is for shame and humiliation.