Mimi, huh? Should I interpret your post to mean you would WANT him to be hurt?

Of course I don't want him to be hurt.

I'm finding it hard to conceive of him as being hurt...

I would presume he is angry...

I have to admit I know nothing about the incident between him and Weaver...

This is based on my experience with him...

IF HE IS HURT, maybe this will help him to develop more empathy regarding how he makes others feel.

My opinion...

I don't think that's very nice. For the record, he didn't say he was hurt, his exact word was "disgusted." Sorry to disappoint you.

See my post before yours...

As I indicated, I would have predicted he would have been "disgusted" not hurt.

Lemonman and I have issues with each other. It is what it is...

HE HAS NEVER BEEN NICE TO ME...

and I've been told he doesn't need to be..

AS WE ALL KNOW..it's hard as heck to be NICE to somebody who is NOT AT ALL NICE to you...

Oh what's the difference, hurt or disgusted?

The whole thing was RETARDED, that's the point. It was meaningless. It was not beneficial.

Unless the benefit was the lesson learned.

The important thing is that we do not say hurtful things...

Why? Because they hurt!

And our purpose together is to "create" not to "distroy".

I learned something very valuable, and that is that I can hurt with my words. Even if it is only myself, but it wasn't.

He was hurt Mimi, it's just that guys don't go around saying they are hurt, I mean they are guys..come on.

I don't know what problem you had with him, so I speak only from the interaction I had which was not pretty, and I am sorry for that.

Weaver:

I agree with you on this...



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm feeling like Rodney King today: Hey man, can't we all just get along??????????


Actually, I'm amazed that we all get along as well as we do. We are people of all ages (many young enough to possibly be my child), of many countries, ethnicities, religions and cultures. Many of us don't have English as our first language (and I'm not talking Texans...) We are all brought together by the common thread of infidelity. Whatever "side" we are/were on, what stage we are in or the state of our relationship, we all come together for this one reason.

Hey, that's exactly what I was thinking!

I love you guys all so much!!! Let's just kiss & make-up?o.k.?

I think this is the conflict-avoider in me coming out!!

Kim

Conflict avoider or peacemaker? We're all different and we're all human. There's a lot of anger and hurt on this board. So much emotion can be hard to deal with. I get a lot from all of the posts and advice on this board. Sometimes, they are spot on. Sometimes, they are aimed at a place I've passed or a place I haven't come to yet. It's really hard to see recovered marriages and know the tools are there but they don't seem to work for you.

Sometimes chemo doesn't work on cancer. When that happens, maybe the doc scratches his/her head and says, "Gosh, most of the time, it works for me." Do they blame the patient, the dosage or the progression of the disease?

I sure it's frustrating for recovered folks to see those of us struggling flounder around.

I try to apply MB principals as best I can. Maybe it isn't the best way or the way other people might. Interpretations vary. I know I'm a faulty vessel. However, I want to come out the other end knowing that I've "earned" my end result.

One point that doesn't always come up, perhaps it's not even MB but I've seen it here, is that every BS has the right to say "that is that" when they have had enough. Personally, I do not believe I could Plan B for 2 years. On the other hand, I couldn't have filed for the big D after 6 months. We all have our own pace and frailties.

Peace. Live long and prosper.

I am reminded of what SH said about my xW long after we had been working in Plan B.

He said (to paraphrase) "the patient is not responding to the medication...".

Yeah...chemo doesn't alway work.

That was when he recommended (to me) filing for D as "shock therapy".

Georgia

Hi folks,

I almost never post anymore, but I just wanted to say... that...

I agree with some of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, that Mimi is a trouper who has helped many. I could say other things also, but there is not much point in it.

OK, I will go ahead...

1) Namecalling is namecalling, and it's almost never helpful - no matter how wise or insiteful the namecaller is.

2) People here are all free to make their own choices in their lives and they alone are responsible for those choices, no matter who gives them whatever advice. Namecalling is still namecalling, and I believe that calling them a "coward" or a "conflict avoider" when they don't do what you advise them to do is also unhelpful.

3) 2x4's ??? Why did we ever accept this metaphor, which seems straight out of slapstick comedy. It was ok for the 3 Stooges to whack each other, but in real life, it is, again, in my opinion, unhelpful. Of course, sometime, what is here called a 2x4 is really quite normal plain talking and is in no way inappropriate, but I've never been fond of the idea that whacking somebody over the head is likely to do anything good for them.

4) In my opinon, respecting the other's right and competence to form an opinion different from one's own is a basic courtesy which smooths the waters and eases the discussion. I developed that belief as a schoolboy from reading Ben Franklin's autobiography. In my opinion, so far as I have been able to tell, God is not a registered member of this forum, and nobody else has the TRUTH, but rather only their OPINION.

5) I'm beginning to regret touching this tar-baby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To all a good night.

OH, and ONE MORE THING : Everyday, ABSOLUTELY DESPARATE people fall through the cracks here while others are busily engaged in exchanges which seem to me more as verbal jousting than marriage building. That saddens me.

-AD

To the extent that our perceptions are always our own, and colored by our history, our expectations, and our needs, it's you. Of course there have been changes in this time period that you have observed, and other people may share your perceptions. I'm not saying it's all you. I just think anyone who notices a change for the worse in any situation, benefits from looking at that situation and assuming, "Yep, it's me." You can learn a lot about yourself that way.

Maybe these questions would help. What do you need from MB right now that you aren't getting? Who was here for you before that you miss? Do you see yourself contributing in anyway to the changes you don't like? If not (or even if so), do you see yourself as having the power to effect any of the changes you'd like to see? Is it possible that you just need a break from the board? Or a break from some other aspect of your life?

And keep in mind to, that it's not just in marriages that what seems so perfect when it's brand new starts to show flaws when it gets old and familiar. You aren't ever again going to come here and have that same "Wow! These people really get me" feeling that you had when you first found the place. What you have instead is the familiarity, the feeling of belonging, and the recognition that those people whose habits are irritating you to death are putting up with your irritating habits, too.

no Mimi - its not you.

this has become a pro-divorce board, not a marriage board.

Elspeth:

I appreciate your long post to me..but it's not as DEEP as all that...

I'm at a GREAT PLACE in my life and my marriage...happier than I have ever been...

When asking, "IS IT ME OR WHAT?"...I was asking if others SHARED MY POINT OF VIEW about the board...

Bramblerose captures where I was coming from;



I definitely am PRO-MARRIAGE. I acknowledge that and have decided today..THAT'S WHO I AM..THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE IN..and THAT'S OK...

My POV pre-dated my H's Affair and my learning about MB...has to do with how I responded to my parents' divorce...how I am like my GRANDMOTHER who remained HAPPILY married to my grandfather for 71 years before he died first from a broken heart when she had to go to a nursing home..YES, THEY HAD THEIR MAJOR ISSUES and UPS and DOWNS...has to do with how my parents tried to reconcile just prior to my father's unexpected death..has to do with my religious beliefs...

I AM WHO I AM AND THAT'S OK!!!!

I LOVE MYSELF....

Edited to add:

I've also been thinking that, much like a family, we have our different purposes and roles on the forum..all a part of the total pie...or gestalt (as the psychologists say)...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Only if we allow it.

I will say that I've been pretty interested lately in reading more discussions on MB principles. There seems to be much less talk of those these days than when I arrived here a year and a half ago.

There does still exist those of us who are interested in working on our marraiges and ourselves and learning and practicing the principles.

We can't control what other posters say, the manner in which they say it or their topics of discussion, but we can control which threads we choose to contribute to.

Speaking of tributes - since this IS Mimi's thread, here is my offering...

I appreciate the time you've invested in helping others, including myself.

I particularly admire the things you've said to Caren. I'm glad you're here, Mimi.

Excellent post _AD_. I couldn't agree more.

I had to laugh about tar baby. Some of the 'youngsters' here would not know what you are talking about. LOL

I actually have the movie with tar baby "Song of the South" and often go around singing "Mr Bluebird on my Shoulder".
It is a good movie from about 1950 or something like that.
It has cartoon characters and real people with a very good storyline and lots of singing.

By the way, I don't notice this forum being PRO DIVORCE???
I think most of us are absolutely PRO MARRIAGE and give helpful advice to HEAL troubled marriages.

Mimie, JL and others that devote so much time to this marriage builder's forum;
a BIG THANK YOU.
Please keep up the good helpful KIND advice.

I've been coming to this board since November 2004. Most of those months have been spent in deep turmoil and pain. MB helped me work through that turmoil and pain. I honestly cannot remember the exact tone of the forum at that time. I don't read every post here but I do read a lot

However, I do not see this forum as becoming a divorce forum. In fact, I feel somewhat insulted by that remark. I feel like it's being insinuated that I am a failure, that I am unable to recovery my marriage because I haven't adhered closely enough to MB principals and advice. If only, if only I would listen more closely, I would be on the path to recovery. Well, I'm only 1 out of 2 people in my marriage. (Or was that 3...)

There do seem to be a lot of divorces happening to posters right now. How many of them have been initiated by the BS? Not too many. If a BS did file for D, how many have done that to protect their families? A lot. How many BS have flounced off in a snit and said "This is it, I'm getting a divorce!" Very few. Most everybody is working through the process.

I appreciate all the help I've gotten from everybody on MB. The folks here have gotten me through some horrible nights. I can say without a doubt that w/o MB, I probably WOULD be divorced right now.

Oh my goodness, Grape..you said:



First of all, I, for one, certainly DO NOT CONSIDER you to be a FAILURE...

My thinking IS SOMEWHAT LIKE that of BR's about the PRO-MARRIAGE vs. PRO-DIVORCE but let me further explain.

IMO, I do believe that there are LESS POSTERS encouraging others to HANG ON IN THERE...

I do believe that there is MORE SWIFTNESS about recommending the option of DIVORCE...

which TO ME feels more like what those OUT HERE say to US...

I personally LOVED MB because the MESSAGE HERE was VERY DIFFERENT..more in line with MY OWN thinking...

This is MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW.. I am not a person who believes that others are WRONG or BAD or a FAILURE if you do not share my beliefs...

I was saying that I AM WHAT I AM because of my personal life experiences.. I never got to the point of considering a divorce...I made it very clear to my H that he would have to do that..I protected myself LEGALLY but NEVER got to the point of considering a DIVORCE...so I can't speak for someone in your position, Grape..I've never been there...

I do believe that following the MB Principles gives you a good chance at Recovery. However, who here or anywhere knows for sure? I think the very best option is to follow the counsel of Steve H. or Jennifer. That certainly was the answer FOR ME and I would hope and pray this for anyone else.

[ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, I am scratching my head over this one. I honestly have not noticed any such trend and am really curious why you think this. It is such a RARE thing that I ever see divorce recommended here, rather I see people working on their marriages and others helping them with it.

That being said, all marriages should not be saved, some can't be saved and in those, the definition of success might be divorce.

Even the Harleys recommend it sometimes. [see grovetuckohio and I think perhaps Cherished]

Have I missed something?

Maybe some other people who are in agreement will chime in...

Hard for me to better explain than I already have tried...

It's just a feeling that I am getting...

More of an ANGRY TONE in response to WSes...rather than a FOCUS on working on the PLANS...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />