seems that men have a much different way of dealing with things than women. Just give him all the securities that he needs and more. He needs to fight his own "demons" about this. There is nothing you can do but to show him that you are honest and serious about the marriage.
Dont give up, when he does blow up, try to difuse the situation with calm words.
He isnt sure himself how he should handle the situation, it is still fairly fresh, and he has many emotions, i am sure.

Right now he feels like he doesnt want anything from you, like when he refuses to eat what you cook. He is telling himself that he is not together with you in that sense right now, but at the same time checks your laptop and everything. He is torn back and forth and he doesnt really know what to do, his feelings are on a rollercoaster.

Give him time, things will get better. Time is always on your side, until then, even though its hard. Try to be the best wife that you can, keep cooking for him, even if he doesnt eat it. Show him that he is important to you, comply with the things that he asks of you, as with the emails etc.

I do hope his temper has gone down and that you will be able to talk to him in a much better way.

Hi
traicionado, thanks for your lines..Im not agree with you about "If you love something, leave it free, if it returns its yours if not, never was it", maybe you think that this means than you sholdnt fight for things that you want or believe... I understand it different.. I thing sometimes, distance, can make your main, and thoughts clear, and sometimes if someone doesnt.. how do you say? valorar in english? when "te valoran como persona.. a veces solo puede darse cuando no estas ahí...." there is another line "nadie sabe lo que tiene hasta que lo ve perdido"...
Well, the main idea is that my H is living grief... and I need to be patient right?
Now he is "kidding" in a bad way, (burla) and he speak about OM referencing as "mi galan" , something that my idol,... and several times he made a laugh (se burla) and I dont like it, it hurts me... I dont know why, but OM isnt my idol or my man... so I dont like these jokes...
I have a bussiness trip this weekend, and Im going to go with my H and daughter.. I hope everything is fine..
My H looked for list of people in flight..and looked for OM name.. He asked me hole name OM..
OM wasnt a coworker... but he thinks that maybe OM can be join with me in this trip, or I dont know...
Btw, we made love last weekend and he was in another place or something... I asked for it, so Im going to avoid, ask to make love because I think he is not ready.. neither do I if he is so cold. What about this? making love is the last thing that can be restablish? as the trust?

daggi,
Sometimes I got deppress, and I realize that main problem, (my comunication necesity is not full).. yesterday my H was watching TV, I told him things about the work,, but he didnt listen anything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
But, this is going to be solved before my husband grief right?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

tear,

You reminded me of something else. Yes when we went for our first weekend to Bahrain I called the hotels to see if the OM was registered. Here it is practically impossible to register under a false name. When we planned our vacation in Paris (he now lives in the UK), I changed our hotel at the last minute and did not tell gemela just in case she had told OM (I am sure she did in fact tell him all about our vacation because she told me she did).

I agree and disagree with you. You are trying to argue two sides of the same question and missing the point.



Tha would be your husband and I agree it is probably true. For him. Unfortunately a lot of bad can happen to him (and you) before he comes to that realization. Just ask Daggi. She is living proof of this.



Sigue siendo caca de toro. Again, just ask Daggi. The only way that expression applies in your case would be for your husband to use it on you. In other words, if he loved you, he would let you go and see if you came back. You have this whole thing backwards so just forget all about that stupid sentiment. You made a mistake and now you need to fix it. That is all you need to think about.



This is typical. I did the same. Your husband feels inferior to the OM. You have devastated his ego. I remember all of this in my case. It really hurts. I knew that gemela had found someone better than me and I felt lower than low. I was really depressed about this. Later I got over this. I realized just what a worm the OM was and that he is nothing compared to me. But it took me time to get to that place.



My suggestion is to not get offended. If you do get offended, smile anyway. If you get angry, your husband will think you are defending the OM. Bad idea. Tell your husband (without being angry) exactly how you feel about him and about the OM. Your husband needs reassurance. He won't believe you at first but just keep going. If he hears the same thing over and over, eventually he will believe it. He is hurting. He is searching for a way to understand this. He needs your help.



SF (sexual fulfillment) is not the last thing to return. It comes in waves. Gemela and I probably went two months after Dday before we had SF. I really can't remember how long but it was a long time. Neither one of us was interested. Then we went through a phase donde cojimos como conejos - dia y noche. Then we got back to "normal". Then lo dejamos por un tiempito. The regresamos a los conejos. Then we stopped for over a month again. Last night, in fact, was the first time we have had SF in over a month and I have to say I wasn'y really interested. Gemela was fairly insistent. She got me interested.

Don't let the SF worry you. Everybody reacts differently. Each time I got away from SF, it was for a different reason. There was the mental image phase, there was the violation of intimacy phase, etc. This last time was more me trying to get my head clear and decide what I actually wanted - separate fact from fiction. I don't know. I would say that every time I was not interested in SF and gemela still made me do it, it was good for us. I suggest you keep at it. It shows your husband you still want him, find him desireable, that he is a man. All those things you took away from him.

Your husband is probably machista. You have taken his manhood from him. Give it back.

traicionado

thanks for your words.

As always you know what Im facing right know. And as you are man and a BS also, I can at least try to understand my H behaviour.

Well we went to Cancun for my bussiness trip.Its going to cost a lot, but I think it worth.

Sometimes I think my H wants to stop to think in my A and give us another chance.. but then he starts to think again and he got upset.

He became a violent man, I mean not just phsically violence, but emotional violence..
He starts to scream me, or he blaim me for things that I dont have guilty.. I dont like that he be like that with me. But as in this time we are dealing with EA consequencues, Im going to wait, and be patient.

Im afraid my H and I crossed respect line.. both need professional help. But as both work are so demanding I haven found time to start my professional help.

A night before our trip, we had a fight, I mean we hit us.. He started and I defending myself using a kitchen tool, I know he didnt hit me with all his streight (fuerza?) neither I did (that tool is dangerous). Even this I hurt his elbow.. Then he throw away my tool and I was disarm (desarmada?) and he threated me.. he know in that case Im more vulnerable.. but you know Im brave (brava), and I stand in front of him.. I know he is stronger than I but even this Im not going to permit this...Im goint to defending myself..and we hit us.. (palmadas).. but then I realized that our inmature to deal with our feelings and the (ira) was controlling..
We are not animals, and we need to use brain not instint.

It was awful.. I told him our M was finished.. he told me he was going with me to the trip (something my daugher expected). I didnt care.

But he went with me to that trip, and in evey time he found a way to remember me OM, with "burlas".. ahora solo le dije deja de decir eso me molesta, but he didnt..

Im going to try to show me indiferent about that I hope this help.

Im not a quiet woman, I know sometimes Im stubborn, and sometimes I finish my H patient (paciencia)

Sorry my english is awful..

Its going to be Mother's Day here (10 may) and I realy dont want anything from my H. I mean, anything material, I dont like anything. But Im afraid his reaction if I told this to him.

Why I dont like anything? because I dont need anything material, I need a sincere hug, or kiss or sweet words from him, and as I know that in this time this is not possible I dont want anything...Im afraid my reaction if he gives me a present that day,..

Anyway Im not his mother so he doesnt "need" to buy me a present (but all years he does, because my d has 3 years old)

traicionado, gemela

How old are you? and gemela how old is she?
I hope not to ofense you with these questions.. if I did it my apologize and dont answer it..

Im curious about age.. I think sometimes it can affect us in our behaviour or in be more impulsive.. (impulsivos)

Hola tear!

Aun estamos. Thursday and Friday is our weekend so I missed your posts until I checked my work email. I have a question (threadjack). How is Cancun now? I ask because we are about to go there for vacation and I know it was almost destroyed last year by the hurricane - all the beaches were washed away. I just want to know what to expect. I can't change the vacation because gemela wants to see her family and SIL has a time-share there.

I have no idea what to tell you about the violence. It is totally wrong and you cannot allow it. The thought has never even crossed my mind to hit gemela so this is foreign to me. There were a couple of incidents where she got pretty physical trying to block me from leaving a room and one pretty intense wrestling match over a cell phone where she hurt me slightly but I was always very careful not to hurt her no matter how angry I was. Part of that may be your culture and the machista man. I am not Mexican so don't know for sure. It is just what I have seen on novelas. Gemela has told me that she also agrees that your husband should never hurt you and she worries about it for you. He definitely needs professional help.

Okay, let me leave the abuse behind just a moment and talk about the burlas. Your husband was once a proud, self-confident machista male who was in complete control of his environment. He was master of his domain with frinds who admired him and a wife who worshiped him - or so he thought. The his wife found someone who was better than him. In an instant, everything he believed in was "proven" wrong. He suddenly became insignificant and worthless in the shadow of this perfect ideal of OM. He believes he is in competition with the OM. In a way he is. But he is competition with a fantasy - a fairy tale prince charming who never existed. He doesn't understand this. He makes fun of the OM and tries to put him down not for you - but for him. He is trying to make himself believe the OM is inferior to him but he cannot do it. I did all that. It was only when I realized that the OM was human and not superman that I understood what a nothing he really was and I stopped worrying about it. The only problem that still remained, however, was the gemela still believed he was indeed superman. Me trying to attack the OM and point out his flaws to gemela only made her defend him more. Eventually I gave that up too and just left her with her fantasy of OM in her thoughts. I could do that only because I finally understood that the OM was nothing compared to me. His type is a dime a dozen.

I know this is difficult on you and I remember that you are still very early on in this and I was probably at about the same stage as your husband is now after this amount of time. On the other hand, you cannot allow the violence. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

It is good to hear from you.

For a proud, confident and strong man that is used to being in control with his life, it is very very difficult to deal with something like this, to say the least. It tears the floor out right underneath him, everything that he believed in and thought was right is gone. Everything that he has done so far was obviously wrong as it lead to you having had an affair. His whole outlook on the world... the future... is gone... he has lost it all.

This is what has happened tear... everything he believed in ... is gone. He has to get everything back... his faith in himself... you... the world... the future...

This is what makes him react the way he does, he is utterly lost and has no hold. All these things can be torn away from you in a split second, but it takes a long time to get them back again...

traicionado, daggi,

Well, another bad night (yesterday)
My H was tired and with bad mood, and as he always had done he scream to me and he stops to speak to me, as I was the guilty of everything..

Yesterday I realized that he doesnt love me, his behaviour even before the EA was always distant, if Im sick, he doesnt worry, or even ask "How do you feel today?", he never listen my conversation when I returned from work and I want to share how was my day, I can cry a lot and he doesnt say anything.

I tried to speak with him, asking "Why are you mad with me?" "Do you think I deserve all those words, and bad mod?" he didnt answer anything...

He threated me with found someone else and has his A... I was sick of this and I told him, "go ahead, do it!!!! "

He say he stays at home just because my daughter..

Im out ot this, I dont want anything from him right now. Im sick, I have flu and I dont want more argues, and fights. I dont want even to speak with him.. And if he wants we can get a divorce now...

I think we cant force anyone to love us, and everyone deserves to have a happy life..

Sinces two years ago we were fighting, and we stop to talk each other for days.. is awful, the house environment is plenty stress... and my daughter feels this too..

Now Im thinking that is going to be difficult without him, my life, but, with God help I can be fine..with time and professional help.

Believe me Im not going to look ANYONE, its inside me answers to this, and be responsable if I got a divorce...

In my country be a divorced woman is like a "stigma" or something... but I dont care, I want to have peace in my life...

Im confused again...

Next sunday is holidady here, so we spent day at home, and its going to be hard feel that streess at home..

I asked my H if he want to get a divorce, he says he needs time to think about it, (days before D day he said he want to get a divorce, but I told him I didnt want it). Im dessperate, sometimes he shows himself as an inmature man... he is not worry about how Im going to face everything without him. He says as I work also I dont need money from him.. Can you believe it!,, he said,my daugther doesnt ask any money!!, I told him she doesnt ask it but she need it...

My H said yesterday, that I havent done anything in order to he forgive me.. for he, I dont do anything fine... and he feels that he has the right to treat me as he wanted...

He said he is going to leave home... good for him if he want to do that.. now Im not going to stop him..

I prefer to be alone than this way...

traicionado

cancun is beautiful,, I went to xel-ha, and tulum, and I was at Moon Palace hotel (expensive for me but my company paid for me, but for my H dont so we need to user our savings)
Hotel's beach has a little plants but there is a truck clean this.. but there are places as beautiful as it was before hurricane.
I was three times there and it worth if you like nature, sea, snorkeling..etc.
Isla mujeres is beautiful too I didnt have time to visit there in this trip, so I need to do another and go there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You can see trees down besides highway, but everything is working, dont worry.

Gemela and I were driving through Chiapas one day on the way to San Cristobal and we came upon a place in the highway where it narrowed to one lane because part of the highway had fallen away in a landslide. There was a rock wall built up so you didn't accidentally drive off the road there and in front of the wall was a bronze plack with the name of the landslide, the date and a brief history of the event. I always thought that was strange. The Mexican government knows its priorities. I remember the effort they put in when Acapulco was ruined. It doesn't surprise me that they have responded so well in Cancun.

I have never been to Isla Mujeres but the name sounds exciting! My personal favorite is Playa del Carmen.

On a different note, I know divorce in Mexico is a stigma for the woman. For me, the big question is if my marriage is good my the children or bad my the children.

It sounds like maybe you and Daggi are at about the same place. If your husband continues the way he is going, I think it will be hard for you to stay interested very long.

Traic, how very true your last words ring in my ear.

I wont get into it any further as this is tear's thread.

tear, maybe it is best if he gets some distance for a while, so he can get his head cleared out. It is all still very fresh for him, and he obviously cannot deal with the situation as it is. The emotions need to cool down before any permanent decisions should be made. I wouldnt jump straight into a divorce, but maybe a separation under given circumstances would be a good thing. This is just my opinion, to get a divorce right now, would most likely end up being regretted by either one or both of you. But taking a step back, letting things cool down for a bit and then when you are both able to talk about things without getting overemotional over it, then there is still plenty of time to make decisions that concern the rest of both of your lives.

But one thing has to be clear to him, no matter what emotional state he is in, his daughter is his flesh and blood and he will be responsible for her, and she will be his daughter for the rest of his life, she has not done anything, she is a victim of the situation and he HAS TO BE responsible for her, period.

Tear,

You and Daggi are venturing into territory I know little about. I will say that you need to get the abuse stopped or it is just a matter of time before you hate each other too much to ever recover. I think you mentioned your husband is a doctor. ¿Puedes convincerle a tomar unas pastillas anti-depresivas? I think it would help you both a whole lot. Even if you marriage had problems before the A, it doesn't mean you can't have a great marriage in the future if you both want it and are willing to work for it.

I will still talk to him any time you can convince him to let me. I would be more than happy to try to help him. I really do have a good idea what he is feeling.

Hello traic, daggi

I cant believe how different can be things at home, we can go from madness to "happiness".. Last weekend we spent a holiday (May 1) and we stayed at home, and april 30 was "Boy's day" so we tried to play with our daughter, and have a good time.
Saturday night I was sick (flu) and I got sleep a nap. And my daughter slept too, and when I got up, I discovered my H drink alcohol, it hurts me , see him drunk.. And then he started to talked about how miserable he feels, and he feels less man than OM (as you told me traicionado).. He cried, and I tried to speak with him, and advice him to talk about this with someone else. He isnt agree. This is so hurt for him that he even dont try, because is so embarransing ( I think). I dont know why he started to drink alone, it was at afternoon, I try to help him.. and suddenly, he got a phone call from hospital where he works, and there was a patient with problems. so he got a shower, and went to hospital.. I was worry about him all night.. He came home late at night.
Affortunately, he stopped to drink..
Sunday, was Boys day, we were argue for almost one hour, and my daughter said "shhhh dont fight..." it was so hard to heard my little daughther saying that... My H asked me what would I do if I were in his place, what about I was the BS.. I told him, that sure I got angry, but I would fight for him... We were talking, until both got mad.. He said he cant stop loving me.. (this shocked me!!) and then we stop talked.. I told him, it depends of us if we made this day good or awful for our daughter..
That afternoon he kiss me!!! I was so happy for this.. It was long time since he didnt permit event that I touch him.. And he kiss me!!! I dont want to be dreaming and thing that all our problems are gone, but.. Its a begining.
Even this he didnt want to sleep in our bedroom.. he still sleeps in another room. But we made love, and this time was different he was interesting, I still cant understand why he denies to slep with me, and why he wanted to made love with me.. but anyway I enjoyed it a lot..
Right now Im optmistic about my M..
Even my H still review my mails, he told me that he thinks I erase my new emails... I didnt do that, and I hope my H behaviour change soon,, or I dont now what its better for him.. review all my things and even this think that Im hidding something, or stop to do that and try to live day by day, step by step.. and be optimistic about our relationship.

I hope this isnt a dream that Im building myself trying to have hope about my M.

tear,

You gave gemela an email address to contact you didn't you? If you don't mind, I would like to write a letter to your husband. I will not ask him anything. I will just try to describe what has happened to me since Dday, all the thoughts I have had, worries, fears, basically try to show all the emotions I went through. I will then email that to gemela so she can forward it to you. That way she won't have to read it.

If she sends you that letter, do you think your husband would get angry if you gave it to him? He may or may not read it. I don't know what he would do. At least he could see how someone else felt about this without having to talk to anyone. You let me know. If you would like to try this, I'll write the letter. I will estimate that it will take me the better part of a day to write it though. It will be somewhat long.

Just in case you decide to try this, does your husband speak English fairly well or do I need to write in Spanish? I would prefer to write in English because I don't know all the words for the complexity of emotions in Spanish. It is strange but I get by very well in Spanish in situations I have been in before and have learned the vocabulary. In Venezuela I was pretty cocky at how well I was speaking Spanish and had been there for six months. One day the hotel where I was living had their laundry facility break down so I had to take my clothes to a tintoreria. I was in a panic. I had no idea how to say "dry clean" in Spanish. What should have taken a minute took 30. Clothes turned out okay though. I had trouble with the language because I was in a strange situation for the first time. This is my first time for infidelity too.

Be careful though. It sounds like your husband is changing his thoughts but it is a Montaña Rusa. He will have good days and bad days and the bad days can come for no apparent reason. Don't let those discourage you.

tear,

I have written a letter in English. Let me know if you want it. I don't want anything sent to you that you are not expecting and have your husband find it. The letter is addressed to your husband. If you think this will be helpful, I will ask gemela to email it to you. I am assuming she has your email address. Is that correct?

Hello traicionado,

Thanks for be so kind and try to help my H.

Im agree with send him an email. Im not sure if I should ask him first about this idea. Im almost sure he is going to say NO thanks..
But since yesterday he has internet in his work so he is loggin my email's accounts, for checking who is writing me, so if gemela send it my H is going to see it. But if the mail is in english, Im afraid he is not going to understand everything. He doesnt know marriage builders vocabulary either..
Im 100% sure that your experience can help him in this, only someone who had felt same can understand.
Im not sure what would be the best.
Do I need to ask him first?
Can you translate it to spanish? or can I do it? Is ok if I read that mail?

I will keep the English version and also translate it into Spanish. I think I can do pretty well.

I'll go ahead and do it. I avoided using MB terminology for the very reason you mentioned.

Does he know you are posting on MB? That is my biggest concern. If he does not, he might get angry that you are airing your dirty laundry in public.

If you want me to send the letter, you should absolutely tell him first before gemela sends it. You don't have to go into details - just don't let it be a surprise to him. He should always find out about things from you first. Not just now - always. That is how marriage is supposed to work.

Years ago I worked in a company and I had a boss who sent me to work in Mexico. Before I left he told me one thing: he didn't care what I did but if no matter what happened, he wanted to hear it from me first rather than his boss. I always did that and my boss was always very happy.

You're right traic, my H blaim me about why he needs to discover everything so I need to speak with him first.

He knows that Im posting here, I read a reply from me to gemela, as he was looking things in my laptop at home.. That way he discovered that one day, I was , mmm how do you say when you have a "tentacion" tentation? Im not sure if this word exists in english.. well I had a tentation about to talk by phone with OM, remember that? instead I talked with a cousin all afternoon and that it.. But my H asked me about that feeling I denied, and then he told me that he read the post, and that Im a lier...
So let me speak with him first... do I need to ask him for permission, or just let him know?
Im working in computer systems so I need to give support to critical systems in hours not of office, at home, so yesterday I was working too late at night and my H arrives, and he saw me, on line, and he was worry about my behaviour but as he was so tired, he just told me "dont start chating".
Chating !!!! I was working and sleeping at same time!!!! I told him in a good manner dont worry.
How long can I expect this behaviour? without any terapy...