I know I have no right to feel hurt, why do I? It was never right, I was M, OM was M, we did not belong to each other. I'm having a very weak moment. No, I'm not thinking to do what I shouldn't do. I just HURT very bad. I have been hurting. I know what went on was wrong, I am very sorry for doing it, wish I never even went that way, I can't express how badly I regret all of it. I just don't understand why I feel so much pain! My H should be feeling this pain, he isn't, really, he said it didn't lead to S and for that he can let it go but will be highly mad at me if I don't replace my job, soon! I really am angry that OM isn't owing up to any pain, remorse, yeah he admitting of starting the fire but I really think he is enjoying this torment he put me through. I DON"T KNOW WHAT I"M TRYING TO SAY> is this pain a normal part of the withdrawl process. HOw do I make it stop?

Yes, it's part of the withdrawal process.

Expect nothing from the OM, as he owes you nothing, and you owe him nothing. You both owe your spouses some remorse, apologies and some filling of EN's.

Yes, you need to change jobs, the sooner the better.

Each time you even spot the OM from a distance, it rekindles feelings in you, unhealthy feelings at best. If you were trying to stop drinking, would you go to a bar? Not likely to be a successful journey, eh?

Refocus your life on producting living to help ease the pain. Create projects in your home, if nothing more complex than deep cleaning. If you are more creative and skilled, re-paint a room... redecorate, whatever you've "wanted" to do to your house for a long time, and just never done it.

If that doesn't suit you... volunteer at a childrens hospital or a school and work with needy kids, something that will bring fulfillment to your soul.

Read "After an Affair" to get a clear picture of the the process you are going through, as well as the process your BS is going through. Very straighforward book that does not "choose" sides, just describes what you are both going through.

Your withdrawal will slip away ever so slightly over a period of 2 to 6 months. The more you work at putting thoughts of OM out of you mind and refocusing on positive thoughts, the quicker and easier it will go. If you are really freaked out about it, see your Dr. for some anti-depressants, which will take the edge off your nerves.

It's a matter of making positive decisions, and following through with positive actions. You can do this...

Best wishes,
SD

Please listen to the prior post. My WH refused to completely avoid the OW. He continued to see her from afar at our kids school activities and she continued to go out of her way to say "hi" whenever she saw him. I don't think he ever got out of withdrawal and it tortured him. We are now seperated and he has filed for divorce. All because he wasn't happy. Do you see yourself doing that? Help yourself and your spouse by doing everything you can to avoid ANY contact with the OP. It will slowly bring your withdrawal to an end.

Loni

2 to 6 months? UGHHH!!! I do have many walls I can paint,lol. I feel this thought process, just being at a job interview friday made me feel a better. I guess I'm just shocked at the hurt I'm feeling and the reasoning behind it is I have no rights to feel hurt!! This sucks, but never to be repeated, ever!

You make it stop by STOPPING IT.

You choose to be weak or you choose to be strong.

You will get over this.

It is something that only feeds your needs. This affair does not raise the quality of life for either you or OM. he is NOT YOUR HUSBAND. HE IS MARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE. That's his responsibility.

Worse things can happen my friend...you could find out he has a wife like me ....

Please do the right thing...as the affair is immoral. It feels good b/c it is SELF SERVING. That is the cold hard truth.

I am sorry you're hurting though. But as my grandma always says "this too shall pass". and since it's not something God condones...ask God's help to continue ahead and do the right thing...NO CONTACT.

JP~I know all of this, really. Just don't understand the hurt of it all. Just completed another resume and I have resigned at my present office. I think I will feel tons better once I get through several weeks of NC. Kind of like cleaning out the mind.

((((((((((Smfry)))))))))))))

You're just going through withdrawl hon, and seeing him daily is like getting a small dose of the drug.....just enough to keep you hooked, keep you in pain. It's equivalent to a heroin addict not doing the drug anymore, and yet the drug is laying on a table within the addict's sight. He knows he can't have it....but it looks so tempting, and he knows it will temporarily ease his pain.

That's what you're going through. You need to find a new job, for YOU, not just for your marriage. As long as you have to see him, you're going to keep cycling through this pain.

You have to remove the drug from your life. (I know you're trying)

I believe even when you start feeling better you'll have "triggers" like a BS has, but you have to just allow yourself to feel the pain, know that it's okay, and just sit with it, acknowledge that you're sad, and you're in pain, and that it's okay to feel that way.

God Bless,

-Caren

{{{smfry}}} You say you're surprised you're hurting so much? Do you mean you missing OM? Then complete NC will help speed your healing. You also seem to realize what you did was wrong. Are you hurting from remorse, guilt, shame? Guilt is an important indicator we're violating our values and will help you return to a course that honors these values. But shame, beating yourself up over this, isn't going to help you or your M.

It's important instead to identify the circumstances that made the EA possible and correct them. Were there EN's of yours that weren't being met by your H? How about EN's of his you weren't meeting? Can you talk to him about this?
Although you were the one who had the EA, it will take both you and your H working together to recover your M and prevent another EA/PA in the future.

An EA in a relationship is like the canary in the coal mine, an indication that unhealthy conditions exist. It doesn't just happen and isn't all your fault, though of course you're responsible for the choices you made and for ending the A, changing jobs, and maintaining NC, as well as providing your H with whatever measures he needs to feel safe such as showing him your cell phone bill, e-mail log, etc.

Read the information on this site. Read His Needs, Her Needs. Work on identifying and meeting each others EN's. Spend at least 15 hours together/week, just the two of you, without kids, TV, etc. doing something you both enjoy. Read about POJA (policy of joint agreement) and work on making decisions together that you can both accept enthusiastically.

Good luck!