I thought I'd share a little of how this is affecting my DD.

Last night she was upset that mommy is leaving for Vegas for four days. She asked why does she need to be gone that long?

I was telling her about what mommy is going to be doing to help her friend get ready for the wedding, and how they are going to go out and have a lot of fun at a party the day before the wedding.

My DD says "Why is she going to have lots of fun with (insert friend's name here) but she never wants to have lots of fun with us?"...Broke my heart...and it hurts even more to know that my WW doesn't see the problem.

It just makes me sick thinking about what is going to be happening that night after the bachelorette party.

Also, my DD is assuming that she is going to live with the WW when we are separated. I asked her if that is what she wants and she said yes, because the boys (our dogs) will be with mommy and they would be sad if they didn't see my DD anymore.

She is such a little sweetheart and sssssoooooooo deserves to have a happy loving family.

That breaks my heart as well. How are you today GF?

Actually I'm doing pretty good. We didn't fight last night, and there was minimal "uncomfortable tension". I am concered though that because there is no tension, my WW is feeling more comfortable about her actions. Though our DD questioned her last night "are you going to get married again mommy?" "are you going to marry daddy again?" "why not? Daddy is very nice person."

I don't want to sound like I'm giving up, but I have been doing a lot of research on making sure I get custody if plan B has to go into effect. I don't feel quite so helpless now, knowing what it is going to take to optimize my chances (thanks to the Wonderings!!!). Plus I have the sneaking suspision that my W is not preparing the way I am, or keeping a log. I think she is relying on the fact that she is the mother, and counting on her lawyer doing everything for her. If it comes to it, that will be her case's undoing.

I talked to my DD's teacher today. She said that my D started crying at the lunch table yesterday. It seems that this whole situation is on her mind just as much as it's on mine. I told my WW about it, and I think it upset her a bit, though I don't know for sure, because it was over the phone and couldn't see her reaction.

I'm looking into finding a councelor for my DD this afternoon. Someone with experience in helping children with splitting parents.

I believe if I were you GF, I'd come right out and ask WW not to go. I'd share my concerns about the effect her absence right now will have on DD, and politely request that she take it under consideration.

She'll most likely refuse to comply. But that gives you an opportunity to document her refusal.

My younger son was 13 when his Dad left. During the beginning days, when we were all still so horrified over what was happening, his school counselor called me to tell me that YS had shared with her that he was having thoughts of suicide.
that evening I thought it would be best to sit down, calmy, with WxH and talk about YS and things we could do to help him.
As soon as I told WxH that YS was having thoughts of suicide, WxH BLEW UP AT ME! He started yelling at me, saying that it was all my fault. That if I would just quit looking sad,, and if I would just tell YS that OW was really a good person, and that there was nothing wrong with his Dads reltionship with OW, then YS would accpet the whole thing, feel better, and be a happy well adjusted kid.
But if YS was not happy or well adjusted, then it was all my fault.
At the time, I was too devastated to even react.

Of course now I realize that was probably the biggest crock of crap to ever spew forth from his mouth!

I share this with you just so you will know that if your WW reacts this way, it is again part of the script.
Your WW will likely tell you that if your DD is sad, that just means that you need to hurry up with the D so that every one can move onto being happy happy.

Do get her counseling - even though WW will likely argue that she doesn't need it.

One other thought I had for you earlier - try not to fall into the trap of asking DD who whe wants to live with IF there is D. She really is too young to deicde on her own, and that is a huge load of stress to put on a child. No matter what she chooses, she is afraid someone will be hurt.
and really, in the end, it is not up to her anyway.

thanks for the info faith. My WW agrees that she should have counseling. And I want to make it clear that I've not asked my DD who she wants to live with. I agree that it's just not fair to ask a five year old that.

She brings it up, because it is constantly on her mind. Of course it was my WW that she first told that too, so I have no idea of my WW asked her or not (of course she says that our DD just said it with no prompting).

Any update GF

Board was down for awhile this evening and I'm bumping you up due to a lot of junk that went on today with a particular poster.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Mr. Wondering

GF...

Have you thought about hiring a P.I. for just one day of the Vegas trip? I know that that would be quite an expense, but one that could really help you...could you perhaps ask your parents for help on this? This would be the least expensive time to do it, because you know EXACTLY where they will be...they will NOT be on guard in any way because they will not believe that they need to be...I believe that it would make for a fruitful investigation...what do you think?

Mrs. W

No need...I have all the proof I need. I just spent the last 2 hours going through all of her email.

I'm at a loss...

devestated...

will add more when my hands stop shaking and I can type...

I'm not sure I can go on...

GF,

Don't take any of it personally. I have been there and know what you're reading. It's fog babble and most of it untrue.

Your WW is lying her butt of in the emails telling OM all sorts of mean stuff about you. Why? Because the more she convinces him that your marriage is over the more "HIGH" he gives her. Your WW makes you out to be the biggest loser, wimp, controller, manipulator, lousy lover, dad, man, etc. that every walked the face of the earth. In fact, they lie so much that they start to believe some of the garbage they spew about you themselves, which is what takes so much time to unravel in recovery.

It is despicable but we have almost all been through it. Remember to OP's, the BS is the biggest threat...so it takes an awefull lot of CRAP to boost the OP's ego (because he/she is already a big enough creep to be an adulterer).

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Print it all out. Make two copies of each and stash at least one copy in the least likely place WW will ever find it or give it to your attorney for safekeeping. Do not tell wife you have access to her email as you may need the snooping technique in the future. There are other ways to bring out the truth that we can discuss.

BTW, this information will play out well in court...good work Good Father.

She likely made you out to be less than a man. Attacking your manhood is a common theme with WW's. Remember, you, as a MAN, necessarily are the only one that can define your own masculinity...so don't question it. Overcoming this stuff your wife is doing to you is one of the most Manly things a man can do and YOU WILL, one way or another, YOU WILL.

Have courage my friend, your kids need you to be a sane parent during this tumultuous time in their young lives.

Mr. Wonderng

Listen to Mr. Wondering, GF.

Whatever is in the emails, its babble. I've read stories here where the WS wished the BS dead. Its babble. Like Mr. Wondering wrote, do not take it personally.

I can imagine what you are reading in the emails qualifies as your REAL D-day. You wrote you no longer need any more proof, so I'm guessing their content confirms it being a PA. I'm so sorry GF. You don't deserve this.

Breathe, you CAN go on! Your daughter relys solely on you, she needs you now more than ever. Brush yourself off and get back to Plan A.

Jo

GF~
I can only imagine what you found on that email. I share your pain brother. I believe part of you had a feeling of what you would find there didn't you? I know you did not want to find it and part of you probably was hoping you would find the opposite.

I want you to know it is fantasy.... Fantasy island my friend. That is all it is...
Fantasy...We all know fantasy is what? NOT REAL...

Okay, you have your solid proof. That is all you need to remember about those emails. I know they are painful to read so DON'T spent to much time lost in fantasy island. Save the email as proof. I suggest printing out a copy for your lawyer.

Take a moment to rest. As MM told me once. It's okay to set down your pack, and riffle to rest. Your on a 20 mile hike that you can not complete with out rest and time to build strength.
You can do this. Stay on plan your doing great.

GF,

These folks are correct. But I would like you to come on here and type out what you have found, okay? While all of it is babble, the truth is also in there. Reading and understanding babble is an art. We are very good at it. You will be too. Inside that babble, you can discern where you need to go next. So, please come on here and discuss this.

Second thing...dont make any decisions right now. Dont tell your wife about this stuff, as Mr. W said. But dont make any rash decisions. Today is as worse as it gets! You will need to talk slowly thru this and let this pain subside. And it will.

Take this time to feel this. It is understandable...

But things arent over. This really is the beginning of your future. How you handle things

GF,

These folks are correct. But I would like you to come on here and type out what you have found, okay? While all of it is babble, the truth is also in there. Reading and understanding babble is an art. We are very good at it. You will be too. Inside that babble, you can discern where you need to go next. So, please come on here and discuss this.

Second thing...dont make any decisions right now. Dont tell your wife about this stuff, as Mr. W said. But dont make any rash decisions. Today is as worse as it gets! You will need to talk slowly thru this and let this pain subside. And it will.

Take this time to feel this. It is understandable...

But things arent over. This really is the beginning of your future. How you handle things now will decide how things work out.

We are on station in order to help you with any type of fire support you may need. Unlike your wife, you are not alone in this!

In His arms.

Not real? She's on her way to Vegas right now to screw another man!!!!! That's pretty damn real! This is my WIFE DESTROYING ME!

I really deep down didn't want to believe the signs. I knew she couldn't really do this to me...I'm such a loser for listening to that.

I thought I could handle it, but reading those emails sent me into shock...my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't hit the down arrow to get to the next one. Then to top it off, I had to be all nicey nicey while she got ready to fly off to her fantasy island and have sex with him, when she won't even give me the time of day! When she won't even sleep in the same room as me!

I thought I was doing ok with plan A. I helped her get the party favors ready for the wedding...I edited and burned music to give to all the couples attending (one couple is my WW and OM), I even designed a really nice CD label with a poem and rose to put on all the CDs.

She said "thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it" but in her head she's saying "what a loser, he thinks that being nice to me is going to keep me from screwing OM. What a joke."

Ohh, here's a juicy little detail...remember my MIL? She in enabling them by booking a cruise for them to sail the med for 10 days WITH MY DAUGHTER!!!! So I wouldn't see the charge on the credit card. We were supposed to go on a cruise through the carribian for a week for my birthday next month...canceled because we can't afford it thanks to her shopping.

But the reason we don't have any money is because I took all of the money out of the accounts, according to her email to him. What a liar she is!

One more little indication of her calousness. When she told me that he was going with her to Vegas, (of course they are just friends) I said "well I'm not happy about that, there's no reason why I can't go. But if he is going, make sure he remembers to pack his PJs." They talked about that in emails..."PJs packed...yea right! hahahaha"

What did I do to deserve this? How long is this gaping whole in my chest going to be there? How long do I have to fight from vommiting? Why do I have to feel this way while she gets to go do whatever she damn well pleases?

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG make it stop!!!!!

I've gotten some sagely advice already that pointed out that nothing really has changed. I felt that she was having an affair before, the only difference is now I KNOW it. This person pointed out that my marriage can still be saved, and that I should not rush to any judgement right now because I've not slept in over 24 hours, and I'm in the worst pain I've ever been in.

Also, a question for the legal experts...I saw his itinerary for the trip out here to visit, and meet my and our DD. I certainly don't want my DD having ANYTHING to do with this scumbag, but the only way I can legally block it is by filing a motion for temporary orders, denying my WW the ability to introduce our DD to him. Is it to early for me to file? He's going to be here in less than a month, what should I do?

Beat the crap out of him and scare him away? I've never felt like hurting someone before...even being in the military I never wanted to hurt someone, but now I want to take out all of my pain and frustration on his face.

What I really want to do is call him and tell him about all the lies my WW has been feeding him. His questioning her about them would hopefully ruin they're fantasy weekend together.

What do you guys think?

P.S. sorry if I jumped down your throat dazed, I would really like your input on this please.

MM, I'll cut and paste some of the really hurtful ones later today.

I'm off to take my DD on a field trip to see the C-17 aircraft that I work on. This is going to be so much fun pretending everything is ok around all the other happy parents.

Within two hours of hacking my husband's computer, I was in my attorney's office with printed evidence in hand.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm in the 'been-there-done-that' club on hacking the computer, so I remember how bad it felt. And my situation wasn't nearly as bad as your either, so I can only imagine the increase in devastation.

If I were you....I'd work on having temporary orders before she even gets back. I'm not sure if it's do-able or not....but that's what I would be working on.

Oh gosh, GF. This is one of those things that happens to almost all BS, but it hurts me to hear it everytime they finally "see the light"

I agree with whoever said nothing has changed, you just have the proof now that your heart wouldn't let you believe. Stay strong.......

Praying for you!

Oh Good Father, how well do I recall being in the same place you are. I had a suspicion about my H. I placed a program on my computer. I got in his email and he had all this horrible stuff in it about me. While the OW was at least trying to say that she had problems with her H. MY H, whom I had just had a baby with was saying all this negative stuff about me.

I can relate to Mortarman's comment. There was a bunch of gobbldy-[censored] in it about our M. But there was some truth in it. He told the OW that we were over. Gosh, I wish he had told me that one. I knew things were bad. I was most definitely unhappy with him, with our M but I didn't plan to dv him.

I took a look inward and felt that there were problems between us but I wanted to give it another try. Some things that My H complained about I felt were so little, so petty. How could he judge me on these things, I thought. But I tried to make changes as I felt were needed.

I was so hurt though, that I was crying, laughing, screaming and I think going biserk all at once as I read his betrayals about me. Anyway, I'm saying this to say the pain seemed insurmountable. And there are times when it still does, but I'm trying to stick to giving it another try. I feel it is working but the rooad has been long, difficult. Yet I feel it has been worth it.

About info, evidence:
+*+*A huge mistake I made. I confronted WS too quickly and angrily before I could find out what stage the A was in+*+*

I suggest this to anyone. Accept the betrayal and try to cool your mind and your heart so that you can move on to gathering information for the purpose of fact finding. WS are tricky and will try to hide thiings once they realize the gig is up.

Also, If you Plan to stay in Plan A and move on to Exposure, you'll need to know info, such as who he is, is he married, and so on. For you personal well being you'll want to know if there was PA also. Getting as much info as you can is important. WS may have a string of lies to tell you about so on and so foth. Having info to verify can be helpful.

Be encouraged my friend. Hold on.

Oh and my hands shuck a plenty while I was reading the info. I think all of me did.