Thinking back to when we met....this is her modus operandus.

We had a long distance relationship, she drove it...she was the first one to say "I love you". She moved to be with me. She told me that she was living in her father's house, but her ex-boyfriend and his parents lived with her. She had great stories about how awefull they were.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW SHE WORKS! The only problem with her method is that she stayed with me too long, got married, and had a kid. That is causing issues for her now, and she feels that she can't just up and leave like she did before.

The question is...which relationship is going to last? The one with me built on these tactics, or the one with him?

GF:

Sounds like her relationship "problems" stem from a position of imma2rity. She doesn't know the difference between romantic love and real love. She (like pretty much all affairees) believes that romance should be chased wherever it's found, regardless of your commitments at the time.

She may or may not ever "get it."

2 answer your 2uestion in a manner you might not be expecting, though:

I suspect that at some point, possibly before she figures out what she wants - you won't care.

-ol' 2long

Ahem.....DO. SOMETHING.

valuable Friday legal action time expiring as we type.

Maybe so. I am a very loyal person. I find it incredibly frustrating that in my 9 years in the military I have been all over the world, with tons of temptation, and have NEVER ONCE even touched another woman in anything more than a handshake.

She goes on a trip to Virginia and finds herself a lover.

GF:

What Lexxxy said.

-ol' 2long

I've got the documents from the lawyer. Will be filling them out this weekend, while I acquire the funds for the retainer (dad is helping).

I am not giving up custody of my child without a fight. My WW is so out of it, she won't even see it coming....not from me.

But 2 address your post, though I hope you'll read this AFTER calling your lawyer.

I'm similarly loyal, and have remained faithful 2 my W for over 30 years now. And over 4 years since d-day, though she still insisted on keeping her "friendship" with RM up until very recently (heck, possibly even now).

I should probably clarify my remark that you wouldn't care. What I mean is that, yes, you will care for her as someone who's had a committed relationship with her and a child with her. But you will also be caring for your daughter's benefit and healthy upbringing (values, morals, ethics, all that). What will look like uncaring though, particularly from your WW's viewpoint, is that you will have accepted that this is who she is - she's living her "highest" level of morality and empathy right now, but it might just 2rn out 2 be all she's capable of, and that's not enough 2 sustain a marriage.

That you've resisted temptation speaks volumes about your belief system. Can she rise 2 that level? Who knows. It's entirely up 2 her. Time will tell.

-ol' 2long

for just a moment - I had a feeling of pity for your WW. She is headed for such a huge fall. She is clueless right now. She honestly thinks that she can just plan a few trips here and there with this man, make plans to move clear accross the country, with YOUR DD, and start this happy new life. Leave all her cares behind. I am not sure what she thinks you are supposed to do, or who you should react to this plan. I don't think she has even given any thought to that. As an ousider reading all those message, I can see exactly how this A is going to end for her. Very badly. Her A is an absolute text book example. Just some thoughts that came to my mind, in no particular order:

1. the reason she is planning this cruise for a year from now - she is scared to death that her R with him will not last. She is hoping that if she plans this cruise, puts his name on it, sends him written confirmation, and then pays for it all, that will cement their R. She thinks he will not dump her if he has a cruise to look forward to. it is very sad. She has even started hinting at making it a honeymoon! I know she only mentioned it in a joking manner when she said that her Mom said "you don't need to make this a honeymoon" but let me tell you that the only reason she even brought it up is because she is really hoping he will send her a message back saying "why not make it a honeymoon? Why would that be so bad?"
There is no other reason for her to even make that statement. to me, this is a huge neon sign saying that she is not comfortable in this R, she is worried that he will dump her, and she is looking for some sort of safety net.

2. In a new relationship, built on honesty, where two people are beginning to fall in love, there are no commnets like this:


If he was really trying to win her over, if they were really in the beginning of a new and loving realtionship, he would be difficult to understand, nor would things be "rough". that is not a good way to start. When you are first getting to know someone, you show your best self. If he is showing her his best self right now, and his best self is difficult, then what will his regular self be like later? If she moves to VA and moves in with him, she will not be there a whole week before she wakes up and wonders what on earth she has done. he will be moody, difficult, and rough, and expect her to just take it as she all ready has.

3. He openly admits that he is not safe, and yet she is still making plans to be with him! She is WAY into the fog.

I agree with everyone here who says protect yourself and your daughter right now. Your WW is not thinking straight. you need to take steps to keep her from charging anymore cruises that you will be responsible for. You need to file for temporary custody before she does. That is not to say that your M can not recover - it can - but your WW needs to face reality right now. You need to show her the reality of what she is doing. She is not taking your DD across country.

4. this OM at least has a better idea of the reality of step children. Your DD would never call him Dad. She would not love him unconditionally. he will not love her right away. I have step children, who I have grown to love. But it is not easy! Step children come into a realtionship automatucally defending the other parent. it is just reality.

I feel so sorry for your wife. She is running through her season of sin at 100 miles an hour. she is partying, traveling, and making plans based on fantasy. She is not trying to get away from you. She is running from her whole life. She wants to just start all over, with no grown up responsiblites. If she continues down this path, a year from now she will be broken, alone, and depressed.
she is not nearly as confident of all this as she wants you to think she is.

Hang in there.

WOF

is an amazing woman!

she's got it going on !

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes, what WOF said.

I am also agree that you need to file and get temp orders ASAP.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like your WW is footing the bill on this affair.

If that is true, if she paying for the trips (his tickets? the airfare? obviously the cruise...) then put a stop to her spending marital assets NOW!

She is enticing him with her financial abilities -- the successful career woman so much in demand that she can relocate wherever she wants....enticing OM with trips, cruises, and other carrots. (I did this too. Showing off for the OM, knowing he never had it easy financially, I provided trips, a townhouse on the bay, sports car, etc. anything he expressed an interest in, I'd try to "have.")

You can stop her. Get orders in place through the court.
Set up temporary custody, child support, and YOU stay with DD in the home. She can support you and DD. Then see how much fun money she has left over for her boytoy.

Also, in regard to DD. She's exposing your daughter to the idea of divorce in little pieces. To her its inevitable, so she's going to keep mentioning it and she's hoping everyone is going to adjust to it and eventually it won't be a big drama.

Take control away from her.

No, he's financially secure. I'm sure that is part of the attraction for my WW. He can support her spending habits better than I can.

Though I'm sure she has no qualms about spending "our" money on him.


AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Trix and Pep - thank you.

GF - I forgot to say that I also agree with Pep that you need to expose to your daughters school. they need to know what is going on right away. I am certain they all ready suspect. And if they talk to WW first she will put her own spin on it.

Just keep is simple. No need to bash your WW just state the facts, keep it simple. You always need to be the calmness in the storm.

When you go 2 plan B...

"He can support her spending habits better than I can."

...you LET HIM. And watch just how fast he tires of doing so.

-ol' 2long

YES

factual only
no bashing

BUT PUT IT IN WRITING

it will go into her school file ... and if there is a custody hearing ... voila'

Brilliant. Simply Brilliant!

[color:"red"]*** EXPOSURE OPPORTUNITY *** [/color]



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I talked to my DD's teacher today. She said that my D started crying at the lunch table yesterday. It seems that this whole situation is on her mind just as much as it's on mine. I told my WW about it, and I think it upset her a bit, though I don't know for sure, because it was over the phone and couldn't see her reaction.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Expose the affair to the teacher and the school principal.

Say this in writing:

"Our family is in crisis. My wife is involved with another man and this creates horrible tension at home which I fear is having a seriously detrimental effect on DD. I am asking for your help. Is there anything I personally can do right now to help my daughter suceed at school while this crisis is going on at home? Please call me if there is any indication my DD needs special attention."

sign it with YOUR name only

KEEP a copy for your diary.

Pep

PS and DATE the letter and hand deliver a copy to the teacher and another copy to the principal

also ... add YOUR cell phone number to the message ... if you have your own personal phone ... AND YOUR email contact as well ....war is ******

Your WW is so unbelievable. She makes up LIES that you [GF] emptied out the bank account to the tune of $4,200.00 to make OM think you are an [censored] and to gain her some sympathy.

Its probably also so she will have an excuse why she doesn't have a bunch of money when she shows in Vegas because all the families disposable income, and then some, was spent on herself primping for this immoral trip.

OM is accustom to her footing the bill, so she had to come up with some excuse why she can't treat the boytoy.

Their whole relationship is based on one lie after another. Deceit reigns in their union. Ohhh the tangled webs ones weave ...

Jo

GF,

Great advice here. I like especially the idea of notifying DD's school.

My friend 2Long gave you some great advice, but I must say that ne part, I do not agree with. Now is NOT the time for Plan B! Now is the time for Plan A. And what does that mean?

As 2Long said, you should have kept that appointment with Steve Harley. The battle plan from the expert would be in place tonight. But let me give a stab at it, and when you talk to SH (you had better do that soon), we'll see how close I am.

Plan A is about exposure, about protecting your boundaries, about changing things about you that need to be changed. It is about creating confusion in your wife's life.

Look, most of our WSs acted and felt the same way when they were deep in the fog. Most of the WSs came out of it eventually. But the way to get them out of the fog is by exposure and by building up love units in their bank.

It doesnt mean kissing their butt. You still enforce boundaries! You still get info on the affair. You still go to court and get custody of your DD and get your wife to stop spending marital assets.

Expect when you get into the game here to have your wife and OM fight back at first. You should already have a plan on how to deal with her violent reactions.

Your job now is Plan A. Do it right. Learn about it. When the time comes later on, we will guide you into Plan B if it is needed.

In His arms.

Well I tried exposing to three people today. The first was the wife of one of my WW's employees. She seemed shocked, and said she doesn't understand why I don't kick her to the curb.

Next I talked to the IT manager at her office, I used to work for him, but he didn't want to hear anything about it and said I should "just change the locks before she gets back from Vegas". He said that it would be really bad idea to drag the A into the work place, it would kill any chance of reconciliation he said, and didn't want anything to do with it. He also suggested I not go "toe to toe" with her, becuase she is so determined. I agreed that she is much better at manipulating and fighting than I am.

The last person I spoke to was the ex-girlfriend. She wasn't surprised at all, but just said "ohh well, I'm done with them" "WW lies so much that I give up" She also says that OM swore that WW was always telling the truth...yea right. Apparently, back in February when they planned this Vegas trip he was under the impression that I knew about it and was ok with it...yea right! She said she'd think about writing a statement about my WW need to constantly lie, but she's not going to talk to either one of them.

Exposing just doesn't seem to have the impact I expected. Everyone is afraid of my WW and don't want to get on her bad side.


Well my WW called tonight and said "so was it fun reading my email?" I said "no". She goes "you owe (employee #1) a huge apology. He is in the dog house big time because of what you did today, his wife thinks he's been keeping this from her."

"I don't talk to him about us, and you had no reason to involve them...you owe him a huge appology."

I just said, "it's your months of lying that is causing the problems, not me"

Then she hung up and I haven't heard from her again. Ohh well, too bad, so sad.