GF...

When we put our DD6 to bed at night, she always has a million things to do instead...We go sit on her bed and begin reading the book chosen for that night's bedtime story...she gets there when she gets there...if the story is over, then she misses out...she's never missed more than a few sentences...

With your WW, just like a child, if there are no consequences(even small ones) to her actions what is her motivation to change?

Mrs. W

Ok, well I'm going nuts just sitting and waiting for nothing to happen so I decided to take some action.

I sent the following "Plan A" letter to WW (WAT posted it for me a while back, and I made some minor modifications...thanks WAT!!!):

Dear WW,

Our talks don’t tend to go so well, so I’ll write this instead.

As I’ve said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing your affair with OM is continuing. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OM possible.

I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. DD and I are closer than ever and I appreciate her more every day. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. I have a new appreciation for you, and your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual.

During this experience my efforts initially were on trying to change you, and make you give us another chance. I realized that this was counterproductive and have since focused on changing me, not on blaming anyone else, or expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won’t happen overnight and it’ll take a lot of work, but we owe it to DD to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

DD and I are the two people who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to end your affair. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will listen to you. Even if you’re not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.

Whenever you are ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

I am here for you and I love you,

GF


And I sent this email to OM (thanks PEP for some editing you did on it a couple weeks ago):


OM,

My name is GF. I know for a fact that you are having an affair with my wife.

No doubt she has told you that our marriage is over and has been for months or even years.

I’m telling you now that our marriage is NOT over and never has been. We are still married, and I am going to fight to keep it that way for the sake of my wife and our daughter.

You are an intruder in my family. As that family's husband and father, I insist that you remove yourself from our lives.

GF


As I've mentioned before, WW is off to her mom's house this weekend, I have a very strong suspicion that OM is going to be up there as well. Last night she was talking to OM on the phone, out on the front porch. I decided I was tired of her talking to him the day before she was leaving, so I went out there and said "Are you planning on spending any time with your husband before you leave?"

I made sure to say it loud enough for OM to hear it over the phone.

It worked! She came back in about 5 minutes later and we spent the rest of the evening together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bumping up for GF.

Thanks CW...but I just posted 5 minutes before you! LOL

Any response from your email to OM?

This is something I do not recall doing ... but you are welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have done you a disservice previously by offering some advice that backfired on you ...

I had no idea how mean your WW could be.

so

I apologize for the advice that triggered your wife to kick you out of the house

I apologize for any other mistakes I have made offering you advice

I apologize for any rude, curt, or callous remarks I made venting my personal frustration at you ...

and I simply wish you peace
and strength for this journey

and I say farewell & good luck to you and your sweet daughter

I lay a mean curse on OM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> and a not-so-mean curse on WW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Where are you going? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Yes Pep...where are you going?

Your advice is extremely valued!

I don't think it was your advice that got me kicked out, it was my implementation!

And I'm back in the house now, and I'm even growing a beard like you suggested! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you have been rude or callous, I probably needed it.


As far as Resilient's question, I have not heard anything about the email to OM. But I have heard back from WW about the one I sent her.

She called last night and said that she had gotten it. She said: I got your email. I'm not sure what to make of it.

me: It was me expressing how I feel about this situation.

ww: Well I had hoped you didn't feel that way anymore.

me: well I do.

ww: I don't know what to say

me: then don't say anything, and just think about what I wrote.


So that's that. If OM is in Vancouver with WW, then likely he hasn't seen the email to him yet and that's why I haven't heard anything about it. I sent it on Thursday, and that's when WW went up there, so he might have flown out before it was sent and he hasn't checked his email yet. Just a guess.

Ok, so my suspicions were well founded. WW got home yesterday, read her email then left to "pick up some pepto" it took her an hour. I got DD bathed, and into bed.

After DD was in bed WW asked me if I had seen my councelor again, and I said no...can't afford to. She said that I need to talk to the mediator then. I said I can't because that would cause an ethical situation during the negotiations.

WW said there are not going to be anymore negotiations until I talk to her. Then she said that we are over and maybe when I get my head screwed on straight I'll be able to see that.

I just replied "Maybe when you get your head screwed on straight, you'll see what your doing to your daughter."

Then she drove off in her car for a couple hours.

This morning when I was getting DD into my car, I looked in WW's car and there was a pack of recently developed pictures...low and behold they are from a hike up in British Columbia that they did together this weekend...he wasn't home to get his email, and when he did get home yesterday, he forwarded it to WW...that's what set her off I'm sure.

But this also means that my MIL is certainly a two faced lying enabler. I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, but I don't know if that is a good idea...what do you guys think?

Well, I would take the pictures or negatives and have a copy made for myself!

Contact your MIL...let her know what you know and let her knwo that you find it enabling and that she is helping her daughter in adultery and in destroying her grand-daughter's family.

In His arms.

Ohh...the prescription she's taking is Furosemide.

From drugs.com:

furosemide Drug information
Generic Name: furosemide (fur OH seh mide)
Brand Names: Lasix, Lo-Aqua

What is furosemide?
• Furosemide is in a class of drugs called loop diuretics (water pills). It decreases the amount of fluid in the body by increasing the amount of salt and water lost in the urine.
• Furosemide is used to reduce swelling in the body caused by congestive heart failure, liver disease, or kidney disease.
• Furosemide may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

There's more info at the site.

Are you sure this is all she is taking?

BTW, her treatment of you is about as callous as it gets. And so is MIL's.
Mulan

Guessing...might she have a UTI and they're trying to flush the system out? But then they'd probably prescribe antibiotics as well for a UTI. Hmm.

Yea she's taking something else too. I didn't get that one.

Supposedly she has to go get another blood test today and if shes still showing signs of infection she's going to need to be admitted.

We'll see....maybe they can admit her to the phsyc ward!

Sounds serious. Lets connect the dots.

Dot 1: WW use to talk bad about OM because he was into heavy porn.

Dot 2: WW started getting seriously ill AFTER she began spending more frequent & regular week-ends, etc. with OM.

Dot 3: WW is definitely having sex with OM.


My female alarms are going off all over the place. I rarely, if ever, believe in co-inky-dinks.

Jo

So I called MIL's house and spoke to her "partner". I told them that I'm really disappointed that they didn't tell me the truth, and that they've broken my trust and I can't talk to them anymore.

I've decided to write them an email, to say what I needed to say without getting emotional over the phone....

MIL,

I am very disappointed that you withheld the truth from me regarding WW’s visit last weekend. I don’t know if you remember or not, but it was me that pushed WW to re-establish her relationship with you. It is me that is the father of your grand-child, and the husband to your daughter. I trusted you and loved you like family. And you’ve destroyed that trust.

All of the lies and half truths are too much. DD is learning lessons here that she shouldn’t be. What is she learning? It’s ok to lie. It’s ok to lie to your family. It’s ok to cheat. It’s ok to give up because you’re not happy. It’s ok to leave your child at home so you can go on a romantic vacation every weekend. She’s smart…she’s going to remember all of this, and she’s going to piece it all together in the future. I haven’t been telling her anything, but she’ll figure it out.

I’m learning lessons too. I’m learning that I can’t trust family. I’m learning that most people will just sit back and say “we’re only interested in staying out of the middle of it”, instead of getting into the middle of it and fighting for what is right. Destroying a family is not right. It’s like you want to have the fun happy family time, but you don’t want to get your hands dirty with the hard family stuff.

It doesn’t bother you that she was using you as an excuse to commit adultery? That she lied to her own daughter?

It really bothers me that you are enabling this behavior. As her mother, it was/is your job to teach her the difference between right and wrong, and to help correct her when she makes bad mistakes.

I also get to answer fun questions like “Why doesn’t mommy love you?” “Why does mommy always leave?” I can’t tell her the truth…I can’t say “Mommy doesn’t love me, and she leaves all the time because she likes to be with OM more than us.” Unlike WW and you, I have a really difficult time lying to my family.

Until things are final, I feel that I need to protect DD from the people that are enabling the destruction of her family. This is tough for me to say, but it’s the right thing…DD will not be up to visit, and you will not be welcome in our home for the time being. I will not tolerate being lied to, and DD being hurt.

If and when you decide to do the right thing and stop enabling WW’s behavior, I will be grateful and lift my restrictions. This is not a bribe…it kills me to have to do this, but it is for DD’s protection, and my own sanity.

GF,

Please DO NOT send this email until MB has had a chance to critique it.

K?

Jo

K

As a F-BS, every fiber of my being feels for what you are fighting for and trying to accomplish with this email.

With that said, do NOT send it. It will be viewed as a threat against your in-laws and probably twisted then used in court against you.

GF, blood will always be thicker than water. I too, had to learn this, as I'm sure most if not every one of the members did as well. It hurts, I know.

Infidelity is betrayal on several different levels. It spreads wide and far, its not innocuous to the extended family, its akin to a virus. An immoral virus.

The good news is I'm sure the in-laws know they have wronged you. But in order to maintain a relationship with their daughter they succumb to denying any immoral behavior on her part. (aka you stay married unless and until you find someone else)

I hope others more wise than myself will weigh in on whether to send it or not. But my vote is NO.

Jo