My phone rang at 12:45 am 5 days ago. Half an hour later, my world was completely upside down. We have kind of a backwards relationship. I'm the husband and I'm the home maker. When she took her last promotion, she told me I didn't have to work if I didn't want to. I was working previously. We talked about it and though it would be good if I stayed home with the kids, etc. Her last promotion came because I helped her get her degree. Now then... I've gone from being able to catagorize my relationship as fairly strong to not knowing my own name. We've been married 11 years and 7 months. At about the 18 month marker I had a one night stand affair and it was completely stupid. I felt horrible and confessed almost as soon as I got home. It wasn't a flaunt it in your face kind of thing but more of an I'm a moron kind of thing, please forgive me etc. At that time I discovered she had already had an affair before me, which created an entirely new set of emotions. We forgave one another and moved on, or so I thought. A few months later, I discovered there was a second affair, for which I also forgave her. After the phone rang the other morning I questioned her about what was going on. Long story short, there have been 17 additional affairs on her part over the course of our marriage. To top that off, she wants me to leave. I suggested that we get counseling or therapy and after a few minutes she agreed. I want to forgive and move on again and I know it's going to take time. She says she doesn't trust herself and she still doesn't trust me from something that happened 10 years ago and thinks I've been with 2 other women, which I haven't. We have our first counceling appointment on Tuesday. Am I nuts for even considering continuing this relationship?

Yeah, right...let me get this straight. You are a stay at home dad, she's had 17 affairs vs. your 1, 10 years ago. You've got kids at home that you care and tend too while she's out galavanting around town entertaining numerous men and SHE EXPECTS YOU TO MOVE OUT.

First things first. Welcome to MB. Your marriage is always savable as long as one of you remains fighting to save it. Your wife needs serious counseling and has significant deep seeded character issues. Can it be saved...it is impossible for us to know at this point.

If she is in an active affair currently and is pressing separation it is unlikely counseling will prove anything more than divorce counseling. It will likely end up her trying to convince the therapist about how doomed your relationship is so the counselor will advise you two to both give up. She'll be able to then put on appearances that "she tried" and hope she can win over the therapist into believing HER long list of rationalizations and justifications.

Next...no matter what happens you must protect you and the kids financial and emotional survival on the backside. YOU DO NOT MOVE OUT. Do not give up the marital bed nor the master bedroom. No matter what she says or does you stay put. She's cheating, she's a big girl WITH RESOURCES...she leaves.

You will not get custody of your kids back if you leave that house...you'll end up fighting for some joint custody at best. Even as a stay at home father you are going to have to fight your butt off to get full custody. Even if the law in your state reads "no bias" between men and women...that is not how it works in the courtroom. You must start journaling everything that is going on, buying a voice activated digital recorder from radio shack and documenting conversations...you might even hide the recorder in her car to capture her cell phone calls therein. Get a keylogger on the computer and review her cell phone bills if you can. You also want to consider a hidden video camera in the home to document things. If this ever goes to court you will be portrayed as a lazy jobless man and not a stay home dad. Your contributions to her education will be denied or minimized. Copy all documents you have for the last 11 years and put the copies in a safe place. You will only win this fight (if it comes to that) by initiating preparations and documentation IMMEDIATELY.

Further, keep an eye out of financials. She may already be cleaning you guys out. You must protect you and the kids...consider raiding the accounts for 1/2 soon and canceling joint cards.

Start interviewing lawyers. You must be prepared and if the threats to file get convincing enough you may have to preempt her in court as the first to file in many states have an advantage.

WHO IS THE CURRENT OM? IS HE MARRIED? KIDS? OM'S PARENTS/SIBLINGS? Exposure is your most popular means off breaking up an affair. I bet anything your wife works with this guy. Exposing them at work will likely be a necessity at some point or another. Don't fret about the economics of her getting fired...they must be separated and this job is not healthy for your marriage anyway (17 affairs...OMG)..plus divorce cost way more in the long run.

Finally, you will make it, with or without your wife, YOU will make it. Plenty of SAHM's (stay at home mothers) do just fine on child support, alimony and a part or full time job. That is if worse comes to worse. However, by agressively fighting for your marriage and inflicting consequences upon the CURRENT infidel in your marriage SHE is much more likely to be pulled from her FOGGINESS and brought to her senses. Then a PROPER recovery is in store.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - don't worry about your first affair 10 years ago hurting you legally...you both forgave each other and moved forward for 10 years...not an valid excuse for her 17 other affairs...IMO

p.s.s. - take your post over to Infidelity General Questions II Board...much more active over there

p.s.s. - yes I am an attorney, but not divorce...though I have learned much about divorce law posting and reading here the last year.

My apologies for the lack of clarification in my previous post as I was and still am under emotional duress. Thank you for responding to my post.

The most recent OM is married and has been for some time. I believe he also has children. Allow me to clarify and explain also that the economic impacts of me exposing her could include jail time for her and the OM as well as previous OMs. She's active duty military. With us moving every 2 to 3 years, me keeping a meaningful and gainful employ is difficult to say the least. She was deployed to the Middle East from 9-05 to 1-06. The most recent affair happening in 1-06 the five days before she came home. The one before that in 10-05, the one before that on a TDY in 7-05. Exposure would mean a certain loss of livelyhood and benefits. I suspected them of planning a meeting in early May and I told her then, "If you've told me you stopped all contact and then you meet him in May, count on trouble." A man can only take so much, you know.

Please understand that not only does an affair in the military mean huge trouble, but having congigal visits in a war zone in another big boo boo. I have the means to ruin her and about 11 other people. I just don't have the desire. As it is, I'm entitled to half of her retirement. I'd give up the retirement to get beyond all of this. I love my wife despite what has happened. I told her, "No matter what else I feel toward you, I love you first. Most certainly I'm angry. The anger is a result of the love."

She claims she's stopped contact with the most recent OM. I'll never be sure because they have secure means of communication at work that I simply can not monitor. I found previous e-mails between OM and WW since her return from deployment and have put them on a disc and hidden them. WW knows I've seen them but doesn't know I've saved them.

I have always been the one to pay the bills. She brings home the bacon and I cook it. So, financially, I see every penny that moves. I have also been keeping a journal of our conversations and my feelings. Not so much for evidence purposes but so I can process emotions without exploding. I started the journal on D Day plus 2. (getting the hang of these abbreviations)

A key logger might not be a bad idea. Where and how much? I won't be able to put it on her computer at work though. Might get convicted of espionage or something.

My oldest son (step son) is from her first marriage. There are two younger children that have my name on the birth certificate and a strong possibility that the youngest one isn't mine at all. I don't want this situation to get ugly and I know this is going to take work to happen.

We've already been through the invasion of privacy and spying conversation. I told her I found the e-mails. At any rate, I'm struggling along and there's no way I'm leaving the house or the bedroom. I just wondered if I was insane for wanting to make this work.

Hello,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The very first thing is for you and her to be checked for STD's. Look your wife is a serial cheater. She has screwed at least 17 different men, put your health at great risk and made a complete mockery of your marriage. In addition, she tells you that she is unsure if she can stop and more than likely is currently in another affair. Her argument that you had a one-night stand 10 years ago and therefore she feels justified to have 17 long term affairs is ludicrous

I would contact an attorney to find out what your rights are. You put her through school so legally the degree is half your on a financial basis. She will need to provide alimony to you and your children. It is amazing she has not given you an STD. How could she look you in the face when you celberated your anniversaries without chocking? Your wife sounds like a sexual addict. How in the world could you ever respect or trust her? In addition, the fact that she has been able to have at least 17 different affairs without you knowing shows you what an accomplished liar she is and how easy it has been to fool you. Please see an attorney as soon as possible. Your wife is absolutely toxic to you and your children. Do not move out. See an attorney at once. I wish you luck.