Cherished, I'm sorry about appearing as though I don't take responsibility for MY actions. I do and know that my A was very, very harmful. Your H being abusive is most definitely his problem, but, as for the marital problems typical with an A, I don't believe it is all the WS. BOTH contributed and erred so children shouldn't be told one or the other is more at fault in that situation. With physical abuse, the abuser, most definitely is in the wrong. And I don't judge you for what you told your children. It's just my opinion that age-appropriate info is better

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished, true. If I didn't make this clear earlier, physical abuse is solely the responsibility of the ABUSER. Likewise, no one forced me to have an A, but my H and I were both wrong in the M, and, to paint a truly accurate picture of wrongs to the children, we would have to list each of these wrongs that got us to this point...

Correct. The choice of a WS to have an A is NEVER the fault or responsibility of the BS. Yes, the circumstances in the M and lack on the BS part to fulfill the EN’s of the WS might have contributed to make the WS vulnerable to the attention of the opposite sex, but it’s still not the BS fault or responsibility that the WS had actually decided to act on their feelings and get involved in an A.

To have an A is not a solution to unfulfilled EN’s and problems in a M. If the WS felt unhappy or unfulfilled in the M, it was his/her responsibility to talk to the spouse about his/her unhappiness in the M and seek professional help with the BS (if necessary). But in stead, the WS has chosen to remain silent and react on the inappropriate attention of an opposite sex person and engage in an A. For THAT the WS needs to take 100% responsibility and the BS can’t share any responsibility in this.

Sfjaj, infidelity is far more worse than *just* having marital problems. IMO, when infidelity is going on and the kids are told "mommy and daddy are working through problems", it minimizes what’s going on and will give the kids a false impression. As someone has said previously, kids can be taught to love the sinner (the Wayward Parent), but hate the sin (Mommy or Daddy having a boyfriend/girlfriend) – therefore saying that informing the kids of the A will prevent the kids from loving both parents is inherently false. Also, as Cherised has said, the language you are suggesting to use with the children, overlooks the fact that one of the spouses made a terrible mistake and can perpetuate the WS' view that both are responsible for the A.

Suzet, we must disagree here...

Post deleted by Cherished

Sfjaj, what exactly are you disagreeing with and why? Are you disagreeing with everything I've said in that post, or just a part of it?

(((((Cherished)))))

Suzet, I don't agree that we should provide specific info that the problems between mom and dad is an A...I have already outlined my reasons for that

Taking full responsibility for your A means just that - taking FULL responsibility. I'm sure that you are aware that telling the kids that there are simply "problems between mum and dad" is only giving half the story - and conveniently it's the half for which you don't have to take full responsibility. How about "there were problems between mum and dad, but I've done something terrible that has made matters considerably worse. I'm very sorry for what I've done and we're trying to work things out, but it's going to take some time...."

Tell me, are you really sorry for having your A? Have you actually asked your S for forgiveness, or have you just assumed that your S forgave you? Have you accepted full responsibility for your A, and I don't mean just saying so to your S, but showing your S by your actions that you accepted full responsibility for it. I just want to make sure that your responses in this thread so far are out of a general concern for the children, and they are not being coloured by the sense of selfishness and entitlement that allowed you to become involved in an A in the first place.

Where? I haven't seen you offer any compelling reasons that could support your position. What are your reasons? Otherwise, we are left to beleive that it has more to do with the fact that you are a newly busted WS, 2 weeks out, than with any legitimate reason.

Post deleted by Cherished

ml, i feel sorry for you

How does that serve as a compelling reason to support your stance? huh? You said you "gave reasons" earlier to support your disagreement with Suzet, I would like to see them.

Have you read?????? I said that, just as we do not outline all of our spouse's wrongs for the children, we shouldn't here. Children need to feel safe to love both parents.

You seem to be underestimating a child's ability to cope and are selling them short on their love for their parents.

Personally, I think it's a cop-out and an attempt to keep what you've done away from your kids because you think they may see you as you see yourself. I can assure you, kids are a bit more resiliant that most adults are.

Ironic because my WW talks the exact same way. Why is it that only AFTER the A does the wellbeing of the children come to mind and then, only when it protects the WS? I've often wondered where my WW's concern and love for her kids were when she was having sex with another man?

Amazing.


FN

You do bring up some good points, but that is why I think both parents must make that decision together. True, the WS didn't consider their family in their A, but two wrongs don't make a right. So...burden the children because a BS is angry??

No, unload the burden of the child's doubts BECAUSE of love. Twist it however you want, but someday, the truth will come back and bite you.


Z

We disagree, but that's okay. There's no one right answer to this

There certainly IS a WRONG answer here...hint...it's the one that has NO supporting evidence backing it...

Mrs. W