Someday,

I know it doesn't take the pain away but I hope it helps you to at least know that what you are feeling is normal. I think all of us have felt what you are right now. Again, it doesn't take the pain away... but it may be that beacon of light that lets you know you can get through this.

I too had a WH activated in the army reserves who started an affair with someone he met while deployed. I found out about the affair while he was gone, after he called out of the blue to say he wanted a divorce. I had a five month old little boy and 7 & 9 year old daughters.

Someday - I thought I was going to die, I thought at times I wanted to. I can remember driving through an intersection one day just praying that someone would run the stop sign so I didn't have to feel what I was feeling.

I love my children more than anything but the chaos of my mind and soul just made breathing too hard. As much as I love my daughters, it was honestly that little five month old face that totally depended on me that got me through.

I fell apart, don't get me wrong there. But I had a baby to feed and change. I had a little boy who needed a smile back when he smiled at me. He got me through.

Your children need you, Someday. You may not feel like you have anything to give, but you - even in the state you are in - are the only parent they have that is going to be able to find a way through the devestation your husband is causing.

You have a chance to save your family. You also have a chance to start over. You don't need to decide what to do today, or tomorrow.

Today you need to BE. You need to breathe. You need to make today all you have to get through. Tomorrow will come. Then you need to get to the afternoon. Then just be okay until you get to bedtime. Each time you get from one place to another you will be making progress.

I read here hour after hour trying to find a game plan for that moment when I could just breathe long enough to start moving forward. I got Surviving an Affair.

You may have a hard time believing it, but your husband is nothing special in his actions.... he's typical. Nothing but what every other wayward spouse says and does.

There are many stories of success here... those who saved their marriages from seemingly impossible circumstances and also those that eventually moved on from their marriage. You have as much of a chance as ANY of the recovered marriages. Remember that.

As for your other children liking OW and her home... take it from experience, it's transitory. It will not last.

I personally think you should put your foot down and not allow your husband to expose your children to that type of environment. If he wants to see them he can see them at their home (the children)... your home.

As it is though, they are there and they have met her. I could write a book on this one as I went through the same thing, trust me, your husband is making his own bed on this one and he ain't gonna like it.

I'll check in on you later too. Just remember that you can and will get through this. It gets better. There are people who care so check in with us and let us know how you are.

FIM

Thanks everyone, Im not even sure if my kids will come back today, from what they said they dont want to. I do have the lil one and thats because I wont let WH take him. and I guess hes nice enough not to push it.
I live in Atwater, CA, northern cali in the central valley.
WH family are the only ones near me. I left all my family behind in TX and never really made an effort to make friends my H and kids were my life for the last 8 yrs. When WH left to war I was basically left alone and did it all by myself for 18 mos. So why is it so hard now?

I dont want his family to see my like this for the fear that he would try to take the kids from me. He knows im on meds again but so is he. He was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder by the VA a month ago, he even tried killing himself in front of me about a month ago. That is recorded with my sons therapist.

my best friend from nm called to check up on me last night knowing i wouldnt have the kids. but this is so hard. i was fine and i felt strong enough to move on. WH is such a dog and i know he wont change for me or her but i love him so much, theres a slim hope that just maybe the fog will lift.

I think he feeds on the fact that he knows im hurting, that i need him. how can i get myself out of this rut. i just cry it out and the tears dont seem to stop. i fight back the tears when i talk to the kids.

I saw my father in law yesterday and he scolded me not to stray away from the family. that hurt so much cuz for the last 7 yrs i came here alone to follow my H and they took me in like their own. which im so grateful, i always dreaded the monster mother in law, and i had the opposite. i was only 19 when i came here.

WH asked me to stay here, hed pay my house and bills. i dont think i could stand it. if we move back home id have my family for support on the holidays and so forth. but i need to find a job/ home and that stress is on top of everything else. WH said im selfish to leave but i know id settle for having him once in awhile by myside and i know im better than that. i deserve to find real love someday. not now i dont need the drama. im ao afraid of being hurt.


my kids are my light for any glimpse of hope , i just need to pull myself together but how?

my cildren are 7 daughter, 5 son, 1 mo son.

I did expose and his family has tried to talk to him and see what hes doing. WH will not tolerate any conversing about the subject basically said it his life and stay out of it. WH has been accepted by her family. I dont know OW husband but i know he tried to break them apart , he didnt succeed. i beleive OWH has custody of their son , so WH and OW live a life on their own .

your right faithinme, my lil one is my light right now, he needs his mom to raise him, not anyone else. thats why i wont let WH take him.

I didnt use any lawyers in the divorce. i know wrong move but i was so angry at that moment , i acted.

thanks everyone, at least im fighting back the tears to type.

i bet your husband told you he is accepted by her family- waywrds lie. you need to find her husband and h er family- maybe they will help you

***WH asked me to stay here, hed pay my house and bills . . . WH said im selfish to leave . . . ***

Wait a minute - your husband abandons you and abandons his children and moves out to live with his married girlfriend, but says YOU are the one who is selfish??

Do you see how ridiculous that is? And also very, very common. They all say amazingly stupid stuff like that. It would be laugh-out-loud funny if it weren't so sad.

Does your family in Texas know what is going on? Have you talked to them on the phone or by e-mail? Surely someone would come out and stay with you for a little while. This is a Family Emergency like no other, and someone from your own family needs to come out and help you.
Mulan

(((SomedayMe)))

I don't have advice but just wanted to give you a cyberhug...

I feel so sad for what is happening to you right now and wanted to let you know you've come to the right place given the circumstances...

I agree that you need family and friend support right now...

You might also want to talk to OW's H, to get his perspective and possible alliance in breaking up the A...

I'm so sorry you're here... hugs to you today SomedayMe... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((SM)))

Katie

someday

it's 2 years ago this weekend that my H left

he left me in a state where i have no family either....and i was all alone.....i too made no friends because my H and my job were my life....and i have no children to depend on me. neither of us ever wanted children-my H hates kids and i teach 2nd grade special ed so i get to be "mommy" in a way

i thought it couldn't get worse....it did....my H has now lived with his married other woman for a year....and she has 4 children....

i thought that i'd never get through this.....so far i have

i too am alone today....my family has visited only twice since my H left...they have thier own lives and can't seem to fit me in

somehow i get through each day, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to

one day at a time....that's all you can do

and you have little ones who need you....you have a "reason"

we have all been where you are.....so stay here today and you will find support from many caring people

god bless

1. Encourage the children to give their 'dad' all their wishes on gifts.....tell them to make it BIG ONES. The purpose is he spend more $$ time and attention on them. Why? Becuase that is NOT what the OW wants. Will that cause u to use your children? In a way, yes. It will also help your children see the WS and OW are very selfish. Your children are old enough to see that.

2. When your children are home with you, give them love. Not lots of things just lots of love, reassure them you will not break up the family like their dad did. Yes, it is time to tell these little ones that daddy having 2 women is NOT right or legal. You can even say, if the police had laws about it, the w/b in jail but for now God knows and God does not approve. Expect the children to take that news back to the OW.

3. Do a full background check on the OW and make an alliance with OW's H ASAP. Notify the reserves and his place of work that you are the wife and if another woman's name is being put on any legal paperwork, you need to know. They will get the picture and even though they can't do much, that knowledge in itself may help later on down the line.

4. Get yourself financially stable separate from him ASAP. If that means you move back to TX then so be it. Now it may mean giving him the children to take care of for a few weeks. That may be a good thing.

Are those drastic measures? Yes. Necessary? U decide. Don't play around with this sitch. It is highly volitale and you need t/b the one in control.

I suspect the OW is a very selfish person and does NOT want any children in her life. Otherwise she would NOT give up custody of her child. Use this to your advantage and don't give up sooo soon.

Wear out the A. It's a tool you have....learn to use it skillfully. Btw, are there any neighbors, friends, etc. that c/b part of your immediate supporr group?

L.

BUMP AND PRAYERS

good advice here!

add to this: get pi...and get it now. get the recon on ow and her H and the whole sordid sitch.

and yes...a wayward does NOTHING BUT LIE..not at all. it is like listening to a BACKWARDS LANGUAGE. If they say look up, they really mean look down. If they say how darn happy and fulfilled they are now in the affair, know they're miserable...get it?

and ask my sensei (sen say pronounced) Orchid here...she taught me to become a master in my own right of reverse babble.

Learn how to filter and decipher the wawywards stuff they say. how to in short?
repeat back to the idiot wayward their own words slowly..slowly is key...and you MAY INTERCHANGE ONE WORD FOR A TRUTH WORD...and hear them freak out at what they just uttered.

Here's what I do.

My xh, darth is a wayward extroidinaire! Just an example of what I've dealth with for 3 years now and how I make him feel well...wayward and how he's not happy seeing what he did...thanks to lawyers, exposure, and reverse babble~

darth: but peach, don't u get it? I am so happy now with my wistress wife. she is my best friend. she understands me so (this was said to me last summer during his affair with yet another woman...after I scolded him for having my ds around the other other woman, a skanky 21 yo college student and after I CALLED MY LAWYER AGAIN)
peach: I don't get it? You say you're happy with Wistress? She's your best friend? If she understands you so then why the affair with 21 ho? who understands you best darth? who would that be?
darth: Uh...my wife.
peach: WHICH ONE?
darth: WELL YOU JUST THINK YOU KNOW ME>
peach: I just think I know you? I think I know you darth.
darth: but you never tried to MAKE ME HAPPY? that's why we divorced. You were controlling and didn't make me happy.
peach: I never tried to make you happy? I thought we divorced because you said you MET YOUR SOULMATES...SOULMAT ES...TWO OF EM. I told you to leave and to go be happy. Arent you really happy now? Or is your W not makeing you happy now? Is your W controlling you now? Am I controlling you now? Or are you able to even control yourself? Now don't take ds around the 21 year old ho again as I've called the attorney.
darth: SHE IS THE BABYSITTER.
peach: she's the babysitter? is that why she kissed you on neck? our son said she kissed you on the neck at six flags and that she was in the adjacent hotel room which had a door that connected between them.
darth: I was really sad. that's why she kissed me. she was consoling me b/c I'd moved out.
peach: (use their words stated earlier against them at later time for full effect)Moved out from your best friend? Your wife? Your soulmate? If you're SO HAPPY NOW DARTH...WHY ARE YOU LIVING IN A HOTEL ROOM, SLEEPING WITH A 21 YO GOLDDIGGER WHO'S EVEN A BIGGER GOLDDIGGER THAN THE MISTRESS YOU MARRIED? If you're gonna be happy...SHOW US HAPPY DARN IT...WE WANNA SEE HAPPY COMING OUTTA ALL ORIFICES!

somedayme, you can use this tactic all the time. and you can fogbabble back to em anytime also!

SM,

Do you hear all that is being said to you? These caring posters are showing you your choices...you are choosing your life every moment. Believing you are choiceless, that WH (or XH) controls what you want and desire by not giving it to you is a lie you tell yourself.

Know your choices, your power...heed the loving advice and take action. Show yourself you are as powerful as everyone else human on the planet. You are equal. There's nothing defective about you. You aren't being done to--you aren't doing. Choose differently. You're worth it. Nothing anyone else can do or say will ever change that. God made you, marvelously, and you would do well to honor his creation, just as you do your children...easier to see them as his gifts...you are one, too.

LA

Perfect post Peachy!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

RB at it's best!

Btw, for the rest of you, I told my then WS that 'somebody' that I knew had better be happy from all this misery. Since his family, friends, neighbors, God, co-workers, etc.....all hated his A and said so....then he'd better be happy since there was sooo much sadness and misery. In fact I demanded it! LOL!! Of course a WS will NEVER do what a BS demands so the WS had the most distorted face as I demanded a smile with laughter showing me how happy he was. I was calling his bluff and the WS just couldn't smile.....not in front of me and later.....not even w/the OW. LOL!!! BINGO!!! I hit the jackpot. The WS couldn't be happy with the OW! LOL!!! Why? Because that's what the BS said t/d. LOL!!! To do what the BS commands is to break every rule in the WS handbooks and that, THAT became my tool. Crazy isn't it? But it works!

L.

L.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby.

Everything your WH is saying and doing is very common.

There is lots of hope for your M. No guarantees, but lots of hope.

You have gotten tons of great advice, but it will take a little time and practice to translate it into your interactions with WH. That's ok, and you will get better at it very quickly.

Don't beat yourself up any longer about the equity. You did wrong, you apologized, and his refusal to forgive you is only to give him an excuse to continue his acts of terrorism against your family. Don't take anything else personally about it. You won't be able to really solve anything about that until you're in recovery.

There are several of us in NorCal. I am about an hour and 1/4 or 1/2 from you. A couple of others are up north a bit, and I'm pretty sure there is a cluster in the Bay Area, too. (Isn't that where Redhat is?) Hopefully knowing you're not alone makes a difference. If there's something I can do to help, please let me know.

((( Someday )))

Please take comfort in knowing that all of us here are with you 100 %. You are not alone.

Try to force yourself to eat something like when you are online. I used to be able to get saltine crackers down and that was about it... Crackers... multi vitamin -- take one of those and iced tea... my diet for months....

It's hard hon... real hard... but you can do it !!!

I really suggest to contact OW husband... make sure he knows exactly what is going on, it always helps to contact the OW husband....

God Bless you, Someday... there are lots of angels on this board who will help you....

carnation

Someday..I'm confused on why you feel guilty about paying your CC bills by getting a home equity loan. Was your husband gone then? Were you in charge of running the household by yourself? Were you alone pregnant with two kids to take care of? If you are married then I do not understand why you are being punished for this? What's yours is his, what's his is yours. You may have had cc debt, but you did the right thing to pay them off. I understand that you probably should have said "Honey, while you were away I spent alot of money on credit cards, I was lonely and I spent to feel better?? Or I needed to in order to pay for bills or the kids? Maybe you spent to get ready for baby, baby suff is not cheap. Whatever the reason, I get the feeling that you had to make the decision by yourself. Please don't be so hard on yourself, I believe that you did not do this malicousley..Your husband is probably not mad about this, he is using it as an excuse to make you feel quilty so he can make it about you and that you are the selfish one. Don't beleive it. He is the selfish one. Get ANGRY..Get that affair out in the open..Expose to OWH..Take care of you and the babies..Don't let the kids see you cry..Be strong around them and give them so much love, you will get it back 10 fold. Children are smart and they need to understand that Daddy is confused and that Daddy hurt you and that you will never leave them no matter what happens. Pick yourself up each morning even though you won't want to..You will get stronger everyday. Don't listen to that fog babble..God Bless

Someday ~~~ are you ok ??


carnation

SM, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Please let us know how you are doing. Did you get a friend or family member to come over and give you some real-life support?
Mulan

Someday,

Please post soon so we know that you are ok. I hope you are. I am checking on you. God Bless

Thank you everyone for following up with me.

Easter Sunday, WH called and asked where I would be. His family invited me over to their get together I wasnt planning on going but I did. WH took me the kids, he was upset at his family for inviting me and not him. He came in to the party scolded his family and they basically said were not going to leave her alone and that he has parted himself from them not them the other way around.

The kids stayed with me, I kept hearing how much fun they had and how great she was. MY son asked if OW was the reason we divorced? Well I went off and I told them the truth, they were upset. My son cried and wished daddy would come home to us not her.He called WH and told him. WH of course was upset with me. He didnt pick the kids up, well they didnt want to go with him. Not so much that they were upset but they wanted to stay with me. ( they are on their spring break) We played, read books, wresteld on the bed etc. Son was going to go with him but WH didnt pick him up. He called late that night about 10:30 and he was drinking, i talked to him or tried but he said he had nothing to say to me, he was upset cuz I told the kids, he texted me and said I was trying to turn the kids against him. I didnt apologized just said they asked an honest ? and I answered them with honesty. THey were more upset with OW than him. Normal right? Was I wrong to tell them?

Well I heard he drank all night and he didnt call us till the next day. They still didnt want to go with him. He came to pick my daughter today, took her to Libby lu's for a makeover with her cousin. I conveinced him to take son, at first he didnt want to, that he couldnt handle him and watch the girls. I said nicely you can take care of them by yourself, I do it all the time! He gave me back my spare key of my car. SO they went, theyll be back later this evening. We really didnt talk, he texted me and said sorry I was to busy checking you out to talk, etc.

He just made a comment about that the kids dont really want to be with him unless hes gonna buy them something. I answered nicely thats what you taught them!

I feel alot better. Im continuing my meds and taking it one day at a time. Im not sure how long itll take for him to see the light , not sure if he will. I need to get myself sane and maybe he can see that his family is what he needs not , the infatuating he has with OW.

I may have to stick it out here, longer than I want. I still havent found a job yet over there. SO this may help my marraige, maybe not.

I have a ?, Do some WH just never change? I mean, loosing their family everything they worked for doesnt make one change, what would? Or is it they'd rather continue their Wayward ways until it cant be re-gained?

I do have hope, but ive always been optomistic. I know I have to think of myself first and I guess if it happens, we will see.

Again, thank you for those who replied to me. I know im not the only one who has gone thru this horrible event.

If I do contact OWH, what do I exactly say, from what I know He moved on, I think. From what Ive heard he's only out to see OW suffer not go back with her.
I know him trying to make me feel guilty about my debt was just another excuse and I need to get over that. It was for expenses, the kids, the pregnancy, etc. He understood at one point what hurt was that I didnt tell him at first. He needs to get over it.

[quote]Thank you everyone for following up with me.

***Easter Sunday, WH called and asked where I would be. His family invited me over to their get together I wasnt planning on going but I did. WH took me the kids, he was upset at his family for inviting me and not him. He came in to the party scolded his family and they basically said were not going to leave her alone and that he has parted himself from them not them the other way around.***


Wow - that is a great source of support for you! Many WS families abandon the BS in favor of their own wayward child. Blood is thicker than mud, usually. Good for them. Don't be afraid to lean on them if you need to.


***The kids stayed with me, I kept hearing how much fun they had and how great she was. MY son asked if OW was the reason we divorced? Well I went off and I told them the truth, they were upset.**


Again, good for you. The kids deserve to know the truth. If you try to lie and cover it up, they will only figure it out eventually anyway and then wonder why nobody will level with them.


My son cried and wished daddy would come home to us not her.He called WH and told him. WH of course was upset with me.***


Of course. None of this could possible be HIS fault, could it?


***He didnt pick the kids up, well they didnt want to go with him. Not so much that they were upset but they wanted to stay with me. ( they are on their spring break) We played, read books, wresteld on the bed etc.***


Good. Let them help you get through this just by doing normal things with them.


***Son was going to go with him but WH didnt pick him up. He called late that night about 10:30 and he was drinking,***


My suggestion - next times he calls drunk, hang up the phone.


***i talked to him or tried but he said he had nothing to say to me, he was upset cuz I told the kids, he texted me and said I was trying to turn the kids against him. I didnt apologized just said they asked an honest ? and I answered them with honesty. THey were more upset with OW than him. Normal right? Was I wrong to tell them?***


I think you did exaclty right. And the stuff he is saying is right out of the script.


***I feel alot better. Im continuing my meds and taking it one day at a time. Im not sure how long itll take for him to see the light , not sure if he will. I need to get myself sane and maybe he can see that his family is what he needs not , the infatuating he has with OW.***


You are doing great. So glad you are feeling better. Between the kids, your inlaws and this board, it looks like you had more support than you thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Hang in there and do keep posting.
Mulan

Thank you again,

I need to open my eyes thru the tears and actually see, whats out there and who I really have to lean on,

thanks, I think Ive found a great family here also!