Do you know FOR SURE that they are leaving? You can't trust this info. if it came from your WH.

Update

Another MB'er helped me in getting OW's H's work info, but not before they left on their temporary assignment out of country. I will still call the number to confirm he is not there.

DWH is being transparent. He didn't hide his cell voicemail password when he checked messages over weekend. Personal contact with OW still continued thru last Thurs. DWH has some health issues that are still being diagnosed; she asked him to let her know what he found out after his dr's appt. Luckily, he and I spoke and I asked him NOT to call her with the findings. She's not his wife, she has no business or need to know.

I will be sending an informal note to his supervisor, informal because we have socialized with the supervisor outside of work hours. I believe the supervisor will talk w/DWH friend to friend. I might be wrong, but we'll see. I will be asking the supervisor, as well as DWH, to delegate OW's work needs to one of DWH's co workers. I would like to see no contact between the two of them beyond passing in the hall.

I'm doing my best to take care of DWH's complaints/reasons why he turned to OW, but I think part of it was due to some physical imbalances.

Thanks to all who responded and offered advice. Please keep good thoughts headed my direction. I may not have anything new to report w/in the next week, but I'll keep reading the board.

even passing in the hall is going to make recovery more difficult. Dr. Harlley says no contact for life. Passing in the hall is still contact.


Maybe one could get a transfer?

WCG, moveforward is right. What you describe here is CONTACT. Any contact whatsoever will keep them both in a perpetual state of withdrawal. Nor can your marriage recover if you have to wonder what he is doing at work every day.

Let me show you again what Dr. Harley wrote:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

WCG, you might find it helpful to know that my sincere and committed FWH is wanting to move out our city to insure never seeing the FOW again and because he is tired of having to make efforts to avoid her.

I'm coming grips with the need to move, feeling somewhat resentful over the necessity of doing this.

I see her a lot more than I need to because I haven't changed my routes and we live in the same part of town.

Mel is absolutely right there HAS to be NO CONTACT AT ALL in order for TRUE MARITAL RECOVERY to occur...

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