I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat normal. I’m not ugly. I’m not all that handsome either. I have always had a good career. I’m ethical. I’m moral. I’m honest. I’m not violent. I drink sometimes. I like beer. I like food. I could stand to lose some weight. At one point in my life I was skinny and short (a child). At one point in my life I was really fit (did aerobics and lifted weights). I was studious and more of a ‘nerd’ in school, I suppose. I kind of reached the height of my potential in my mid-20’s. I married at 29 so I felt like I had good experience of dating and meeting other women. I think I’m a decent conversationalist and I’m happy and outgoing. I try to live positively and I don’t like dwelling on the negative. I actually hate politics. I particularly dislike injustice. I’m relatively tolerant so long as what someone does not hurt others or those that I love. I avoid painting groups of people broadly and I look at the individual and their actions. I judge the person – not the group. With that said, I think it’s important to understand personality traits and psychologically what that might mean towards me. I don’t ‘move on’ easily, though, particularly where there has been injustice. I think people should apologise if they’ve done something wrong and I think people should learn lessons from life. I think unless someone can articulate themselves what they’ve done wrong and apologise for it that they will not move on. As an optimist, I always used to think that people could change fundamentally, but I think this is a very rare occurrence. I now think there is a point where your values are formed, you learn to live with them and that is what makes for good and bad in our society. Unless you can very clearly articulate what you’ve done wrong, apologise for it (and feel it – not just say the words), and say how you would behave differently in the future then you haven’t really learned. I’ve been told I’m a good person. I’ve been told I am nice. Two psychologists have told me I am too nice (this always struck me as an absurd concept).

That’s me. This is the story.

I married a wonderful woman. It was a long distance meeting, but I knew from the moment I saw her, I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We did marry (very quickly) and I thought we would be together forever. I told her I loved her every day. When we were together I held her in my arms. I kissed her. I looked her in her big brown eyes and caressed her hair. I held her and felt the rush of love flow through me. The warmth of her head nestled in my chest made me feel like a man. It made me feel good and strong. The greatest joy of my life arrived – two children – a boy and a girl. We had trouble having them and that time was difficult, but they are here and we got through that together. They are wonderful and I completely love my family. They are 11 and 12 now and I would do anything for them. When I travelled I called her 3 times a day to say I love you (morning, lunch, dinner). I missed her when we were not together. We spooned in bed in the morning to feel closer to each other. When we made love (more on that later), it felt good to me. We both had an orgasm and it was always a strong one – one that re-emphasized the rush of love I felt for her. We usually cuddled afterwards for a while before turning to go to sleep. On the other hand, the sex was neither particularly creative nor adventurous. It was mostly in the bedroom and we quickly fell into a routine (in bed, Saturday night, etc.). I liked the routine. I felt comfortable with it. I’m not a prude, but I am not overtly sexual either. For example, I don’t really like porn. I find a lot of porn degrades women and puts them in submissive positions that turns the entire act into an aggressive and humiliating act (for the woman) – one that shows neither love or respect for the woman.

I’ve relatively recently found out that my wife wants to separate. Recently, means a year ago and the concept has disturbed me at several levels. We go around in our world thinking we are doing good. We think we are making good choices and hoping to continue along the lines that we are working towards the best interest of our families.

So where did I go wrong? Where did I behave so badly to the point that my wife wanted to separate from me? In her words, she did not feel loved. I understand this now, but I didn’t for a very long time. That sometimes – for various reasons that I can explain at great length, there were times I was not in the mood and I pushed her away. She took this personally and felt – for some reason – devalued by my own incompetence in this area. She decided I didn’t love her. Was this true? Did I not love her?

To listen to her, I didn’t because every time she tried to talk about my inadequacies, I felt uncomfortable about it and didn’t want to discuss it. Call it cultural, call it fear, call it being a prude (okay – maybe I am one) it doesn’t matter, I felt uncomfortable about it. In balance, she has decided that this aspect of her life is more important than me and so she wants someone else. She was just too hurt that I was incapable of ‘loving her’ and now she doesn’t love me anymore.

As for me, I know I love (loved?) my wife. I adored her. I never cheated on her. I tried so hard! I was always trying. I was always turning the idea around in my head for how can I make up for my inadequacy. I got a better job to make more money. We bought a house too big and expensive for our means. I left a good job and moved to Europe for her so she could be closer to her family. I actually lived for her – I guess to make up for what were sexual inadequacies. Sexual inadequacies I lived with for my entire married life – but I did love her. This came to a head when my new job went poorly. I had to travel a lot and I wasn’t around during the week. I had very long days of work. I came home exhausted. I was told that because of restructuring my job was at risk and although I was doing a great job across the world, my local office didn’t see the benefits and didn’t want to pay for me anymore. This went on for 2 years. I should mention my wife also worked – part time. This allowed her to be home for the children when they came home from school. She worked from home and was able to arrange her schedule as she pleased. Since she worked from home, however, her social life during the week was very limited, except for the school runs and school meetings.

I was depressed over my work routine. I wanted out, but for various reasons I felt it would be difficult to just ‘find a new job,’ especially since I knew I would not get the same pay I had before. I had a very specialised job in a highly specialised field and finding a new job at the same salary meant we might have to move. At this point, you’d think my wife might have rallied to help me. She might have suggested we sell the house. She might have tried to help me find a solution. She did not. She complained of my long hours. She complained of my travel. She complained that I didn’t know the children’s routines (I was made to feel like an incompetent father). I never really believed I was inadequate here, though. I believed that I was doing all the travelling and was working full time. We split the routines. But I was there emotionally for the children and on weekends we spent a good amount of time together with them. However, she found it appalling that I couldn’t rattle off all their various after-school events and their schedules by heart. I was certainly capable of taking care of them, but I needed to know what the routine was. I did it maybe 1x every other month on different days. I couldn’t retain the schedule and it didn’t make sense for me to retain it. I had so much other stuff to worry about. She was taking care of that. I was working more than full time. I couldn’t keep it ALL in my head.

In any case, with all the travelling, she complained that I was even more exhausted and pushed her away more often. To compensate for my lack of being around, weekends became ‘events’. Friends, family would come at regular intervals. She felt lonely during the week and wanted to do things on the weekends. Either we travelled to visit family and friends or people came to visit us. We never went out just the two of us. We had very little time between just us. Either we were doing things with the children or with other people. We had no ‘alone’ time. In 3 years we could count on one hand the number of times we had gone out alone or spent alone. When we did have 1 or 2 hours alone I had a sense that I was ‘expected’ to perform and this pressure had the opposite effect. I did push her away during these ‘opportunities’ because I felt like it was all she wanted from me. I felt she just wanted sex- that the alone time had to be a sexual experience. I wanted us to love each other and not go back to the area she made me feel inadequate in for so long.

Meanwhile I had some health scares. I had a terrible episode of salmonella poisoning, which left my bowels in a terrible condition. The physical therapy was unpleasant and extremely embarrassing. Along with this they found an aneurism that put my life in danger. I had always had high blood pressure. I had always had high cholesterol. I felt my body was falling apart. My wife went with me on the doctor visits. She was dismayed about our sex life and how it had fallen apart and so she pulled together the courage to go talk to our doctor about our sex life (without me and without telling me). This must have been very embarrassing for her. In any case, at one of our doctor’s visits to discuss my treatments on the other issues, the concept of our sex life was brought up and I was told that perhaps it would be a good idea to have a blood test to check my hormonal levels to see if they were normal. I was devastated and not prepared for this discussion. It came from out of the blue. I was hurt and couldn’t imagine adding one more thing ‘wrong’ with me after all I was going through at that moment.

Around the same time my wife asked me if I was gay. I’ve later asked her if she understood the psychological impact of asking a married man if he is gay. When I said it really isn’t something you ask your husband unless you really want to make him feel inadequate, she asked me if I was a homophobe.

So where was I in my head?

I felt inadequate in my sex life.
I felt inadequate in my professional career.
I felt inadequate about my body and health.
I felt inadequate as a husband and even as a man.
I was made to feel inadequate with my children.

There wasn’t much left to feel adequate about.

Yet, this was not the only blow to come my way. My mother was ill and needed support for a while. She came to stay with us for a few months. I really didn’t want to do this, but my wife made a point that it was important to take care of family and to help them. I know she believes this because at the same time my mother joined us, her sister came to live with us to get herself on her feet as well (not paying any rent). She still lives with my wife to this day.

This, of course, brought added pressure on our own family situation (financially and emotionally). I had not ‘lived’ with my mother in a very long time (16 years) and I was worried. My mother was not easy to live with and had strong opinions about the children and my wife. However, my wife said she wanted this and I felt the pressure from both my wife and my brother to be a good ‘son’. This turned to disaster when in my hope to be a ‘good’ son, my wife intervened and told me I was wrong. I was not helping her I was putting her in harm’s way by pushing her to do things. I don’t know if I was right or wrong, but my mother was depressed and I was trying to find things I knew she enjoyed doing and ‘pushing’ her to do them. In any case, I had arranged what I thought would be a good day for my mother. I had to travel on business and I got a call from my wife. She didn’t think it was a good idea and had cancelled the event (that morning). I went ballistic. I was furious with her. Let’s add one more thing I am not…

I am not a good son.

This seemed to break our relationship. I had taken my mother’s side and not hers. In a way, I had. I told her that she was my mother and that I did not get in the way of her mother and her relationship with her family. I had not chosen between her and my mother. I was trying to be a good son and she intervened. It was not right.

As for her sister, I never intervened. Her sister brought friends home and they spent the night. I smelled marijuana in her room. I think they did other drugs, but I had no proof. I asked my wife to talk to her sister about it. I never had the conversation with her sister. However, my wife never did talk to her sister about it either. She believes it is her own life and she can live it as she wants. I don’t agree. We have two children 11 and 12 living in the house and I don’t think it is a good example.

About 5 months before our separation, my wife decided she was having real trouble with her 40’s and all that she felt she was missing in her life. That my inability to “love her” was causing her great pain. She asked if we could see a marital therapist. Now – all my feelings of inadequacy were still there and this thought felt overwhelming. I was depressed and had a very difficult time realising that we did need professional help. I regret this. I should have gone without a question since obviously if she felt our marriage was in trouble – then clearly – given that it takes two, it was. I hope she understands that I regret this. I have told her I was not in a good place at that time. I couldn’t gather the energy to go see ‘another’ doctor after all that I had been going through physically, with work, and so on. I wanted SOMETHING to hang onto before I could work on our marriage (and in any case, I thought I understood the problem – it was that I was lousy in bed). I knew I loved her. There was no doubt there. What she didn’t tell me was that she had already fallen out of love with me and wanted to see a therapist. Eventually, she went to see a therapist by herself. We did not go to marriage counselling (until much later). Unfortunately, her going to see a therapist alone was a big mistake. I put a lot of blame on the individual therapy sessions she had for ruining our marriage.

I think therapy can be great. I’ve since had therapy. I understand myself much better. I wish I had gone much earlier. I resisted for a very long time because I had heard about people who started who went into years and years of therapy and they never get beyond the difficult time. I also saw it as a personal failing – that I couldn’t solve things on my own. Things that are irrelevant to the moment get brought out. Things that had been put away for a reason and don’t necessarily impact our daily lives get resurfaced and can make us more troubled than when we first started. But I did this AFTER we separated. I wish I had gone before. It might have saved our marriage.

In the meantime, one really good thing happened. I lost my job. I got a fantastic severance (1 year’s paid salary). Money became less of an issue. We had put the house on the market so we could move to something smaller. Time became less of an issue. I was not under all the pressure. I felt better about me. I felt better about us. I started to think about how we could build a different future together where I was NOT confined to this big house. How we could downscale our lives and I could find a job that demanded less of me (I had the time to do this!). We could rediscover our lives. Sex became less of an issue as we were doing it more often (I wasn’t so tired). I became involved in all the kids activities. I even started to see potential job offers coming through. We planned a holiday away as a family and did so. The story of my mother was behind me. I was still a bad son, but the rest of my life started to come together – or so I thought.

My wife had started therapy and things started to go more drastically wrong between us. I didn’t understand this. I was feeling better about me. She was getting worse and more distant from me. She started to act in very different ways. It seemed she was only thinking of herself. When we made love she would cry. She became erratic. She got a new job as a full time employee in an office – which I thought was going to be hard for her (she decided this before I lost my job). She suddenly quit her job without notice after only two months. She started to act strange and distant from me. She was on the phone for long periods of time with a ‘friend’ of ours that was going through an ugly divorce. She took an unusual interest in that divorce (more so than she had with her other friends who had divorced). However, I let the interest continue. I even invited our friend to our house (he lived 4 hours away) for a long weekend so he could ‘get away’ from the bad feelings he was experiencing. I felt I could trust my friend with my wife. After all, this is the man I held in my arms in tears to try and help him get through his divorce. He needed help and support and I wanted to be there for him. I wanted my wife to be there for him. My wife’s interest was a bit more than I thought it should be, and I will admit some awkward feelings about it, but I put them aside saying that my wife certainly wasn’t ready to cheat on me. I put my fears aside for my friend saying a friend would respect me.

In the end I think she had a bad therapist. The therapist may have done wonders for her ability to think ‘selfishly’ about her life and to dismiss the parts that she felt weren’t helping her get what she wanted, but none of these were put into perspective nor were the consequences thought through. The therapist had no sense of the world ‘outside’ the immediate point of view of my wife. I asked that since the therapy was supposed to be about us, that we schedule a visit together. I was ready for marriage counselling because I could feel her ‘slipping’ away from us. The meetings with the therapist were a disaster. They focused on our sex life and how our needs were different (but without saying it was okay to be that way). We only had two sessions when the therapist suggested that I was ‘too nice’ and that perhaps I needed to get my own therapist. In the end, Christine was stuck in our conversations and she felt that it was counterproductive to her patient that I participate in the meetings. I was angry. I was told the purpose behind the therapy was to save our marriage. If that was the case, then why were we not talking about our marriage (not HER marriage)? Essentially the therapy became all about my wife and my exclusion. This therapist couldn’t deal with the dynamics of our family relationship. I honestly believe the therapist helped my wife distance herself from me and to get up the courage to separate from me. She also helped her to rationalise that what she was missing could be fulfilled elsewhere. Why do I believe this?

Well – she had an affair with our ‘friend’. Just before our family holiday we took a trip to visit our family and friends who live about 4 hours from us. After a night out at a restaurant and a dinner, I asked if we could leave and go back to the house to sleep. It was late and I didn’t really feel like I wanted to hang out anymore with all the people we were seeing (it was 1am). The children needed to get home and I was tired from the long journey. Some of the people were also ready to go home, too. The ‘single’ people decided to continue to the Casino. She decided for the first time in our lives that we would not stay together. She stayed to go out with her friends to the Casino. We had a long talk about this and I told her I was worried about our relationship. She said she was too. I asked where we were going and she said she felt she had fallen out of love with me and she wasn’t clear on her direction. I figured she needed time. That she would think of her family and really try to work it out. That we could go on our holiday and deal with it when we got back.

When we came back from our holiday she immediately wanted to go back to our friends and family, especially to see her grandmother again. We would put in a party while there with our ‘friends’. We were all at this party (children were there, too), and things got out of hand. Though all our friends were there, my wife and my ‘friend’ were all over each other. I was devastated. I was hurt, I was betrayed (by my friend). I loved my wife and I guess I made the mistake of telling her new boyfriend ‘hey…she’s my wife…I’ll fight for her’. He said to me ‘you’ll lose’. The next morning I asked my wife if she was in love with our friend – I can say now ‘ex-friend’. She said yes.

The hurt. The pain. The devastation. It’s not a pain I can describe. The closest I had ever felt this way was when I lost my father at 18 years of age. This was 10 times worse. I fell apart. I banged my head against the wall. I rolled up into a little ball on the floor and was motionless. I cried for hours. My wife was there. She tried to console me. I was inconsolable. I was sick. I was physically sick. I was still IN LOVE. I now know what it is to have a broken heart. I wasn’t angry. I was devastated. I couldn’t get beyond it. We told the children I was really sick. It was a shock. Everything I had lived for was gone. My future was out the window. I’m not religions, but I must thank God for children. It was because of them I found the strength to continue. I now know why we need therapists. I now know that people can be driven to that level of pain. That such a degree of pain and shock cannot be let go without help.

We came home and I tried to fix everything – a desperate way. I got on the internet trying to see what makes a woman cheat on her husband. I would get all the therapy she wanted. I would see a marriage counsellor. I would get the hormone test done (I did – it came back normal). I would do whatever we needed to do to fix this. In the end, from her point of view, it all came down to me having been horrible to her through all these years and never making her feel loved. That I never loved her and all the ‘things’ I had done had proven that I did not love her. That because of all the things I had done to her, she lost the feeling of passion and she wanted it back. It was all my fault. I rationalised it all and for a while I actually accepted this version that I was a bad husband.

I said…I thought we were back on track? I lost my job and I was:

Doing better with the sex and we were having it more often.
Taking care of the children. She admitted that this was going well.
I was looking for a job that was part time and local
We had sold the house and the financial aspects were being taken care of.
I was getting back in shape going to the gym.

She said that this was all true. But it felt unreal. It was too much of a change in me and it was inconceivable that I could really behave differently. However, she would try and she promised not to see the other man. We would work on this together. She did not keep this promise as she phoned him and he phoned her. I lost trust in her ability to keep her promises concerning him. I think they were in love and she didn’t want to break up with him for me. There was about 2 months where she says she had no contact with him. I insisted that for us to work on us, it was important that the other man not be present. She was never convinced. It was what I had read, though, so I stuck to my guns. It actually became a point of contention that she never had a chance to see the relationship through.

Nothing seemed to work. The marriage counsellor also wasn’t that helpful. We didn’t get to the root of our problems. She suggested we ‘date’ again, but the dates always turned to the past and why it was my fault for having been so distant on the sex issue. She resented me for not letting her see her lover. By this time, I was also finding her fault in all this. Geez…Couldn’t she see that I had done all the things I had done for her. I moved to another country for her. I had changed to a stressful job in another country so she could be happy. It was because I did those things that we got locked into a distant marriage. I felt I had sacrificed my family, my job (I had an excellent one before we moved) so she could be happy. She said I didn’t sacrifice that I wanted to do it. Well – I agree with that. I wanted to do it to make her happy. The sacrifice happened when I lost her in spite of all that I had tried to do. Yet, obviously, I guess I had been doing the wrong things to make her happy. I won’t say she didn’t CARE about the things I did, because when I tried to say we should move back to my old job in the old country she refused it. But apparently, the one aspect of my life that I had the greatest difficulty with and the one that maybe I should have concentrated on – our sex life – was the one I didn’t feel capable of dealing with. I still felt diminished in this aspect of my life. She never did try to make me feel better about our sex life. She complained more and more about it as the reason why I didn’t love her. But I did love her. I guess she wanted the total package and I couldn’t give it to her.

Meanwhile our house had sold and she decided it would be better for us to live apart. I was not wise on this as I accepted it. I’m not sure it helped us to live in two different houses. How can being apart help you grow back together? In any case we did and we split everything amicably. We maintained a calm atmosphere around the children and we decided to share the responsibility 50/50. The children – so far – had not suffered horribly from our separation.

Even living apart we tried to continue marriage counselling. She could not get past not being able to see her lover. We were making no progress. At last, I said I had had it and I wanted us to really separate. I could date, she could date no strings attached. She took the first weekend opportunity to go see her lover. She came back in tears saying she had made a terrible mistake and wanted to get back together with me. “I was the man for her. It didn’t feel right to be with him.”

All of this before she saw her therapist. After her next visit with her therapist she came back saying that we would ‘try’ to get back together and that we still had a lot to sort out. I have to say, every time I felt we were making progress between us, she would have a therapy session with her individual one and we would take 2 steps back. I kept feeling like we were getting there and she would turn around do something to hurt me. I told her I didn’t want her to see this therapist anymore. She refused. The issues weren’t her therapist they were her feelings. She would tell me she wasn’t feeling the passion – over and over again. I’m not sure what passion she wanted. I couldn’t deliver it mechanically. I couldn’t make it magically appear. How do you answer to this? What do you do to create passion in someone overnight? We had sex. I enjoyed it. She cried. It’s normal to have those emotions when you have been cheated on and you have cheated on someone. I thought with time it would diminish and we would find the love we once had. She was still waiting to feel ‘in love’ with me. Every time she told me she didn’t ‘feel’ it, was a new kick in the stomach. It was another painful moment to live through. I was frustrated. I asked to see her therapist. She refused. I tried begging. I tried threats (nothing major). I tried crying. I tried compassion. I tried understanding. I tried ignorance. Nothing worked. The more I tried to convince her that we could find our love for each other and that her current therapy was hurting – not helping – she would become more entrenched and more stubborn on the subject. Nothing I said made any sense to her. Nothing I did was right. I was wrong in all our conversations. I couldn’t be right about anything.

The final straw for me was at Christmas. We decided we were going to have a family Christmas. We were getting back together and it was a good idea to do it all as one happy family. The children would be happy. We would see ‘how it goes’. For me, it was great. We would all be together for the holidays and go away on a skiing holiday. I hate skiing, but being with the whole family again was important to me. However, what I didn’t know – and I hadn’t really thought of it this way – was that my wife said (after the fact) that it was ‘The’ TEST to see if she still loved me. Now, this was a ridiculous assumption in that we all went away together to do something as a family and we stayed in a one-room apartment. No talking about us. No sorting out our sexual issues. No discussion around anything. It was all swept under the covers for two weeks. Upon our return, (shortly after her therapy session) she announced to me that she didn’t feel any passion during our trip and that she felt it would never come back. I’m not sure what feeling she was looking for, but after 18 years of marriage and putting us back in exactly the same ‘family’ situation that we had just before we discovered the difficulties, would not result in new feelings of passion.

I was devastated again. I was feeling all the hurt I felt several months prior. I just couldn’t continue to get hurt that way. I needed my ego stroked. I needed to feel that being with me wasn’t all that horrible.

Meanwhile I had started seeing my therapist. She helped me see that this was not all my fault. That helped me realise that my wife needed to take responsibility for our relationship as well. That she should have maybe approached my difficulties in a different manner. That maybe she should be trying harder to save our marriage. She is looking for something without thinking of me nor the children in all of this. My therapist really helped me rebuild my self-esteem. My wife came to one meeting, where she said she didn’t love me anymore and could no longer love me. This helped me. She gave me permission in that meeting to see other women. So I did. I now feel confident in my sex life because the other women made me feel special. They love my tenderness, my ability to love and have sex that links to that tenderness. They love the sensual touch and the softness in which I approach it. They love that I do it to please them, not just to please me. I have work again and that is going well. I see my children regularly and I believe I am a good father. I have a better relationship with my mother and I feel like a decent son again. I could still lose some weight, but I don’t have all the health problems I had before (I wonder if many of them weren’t related to all the stress I was going through). I feel healthy. I feel happy.

Since that time, she has grown more and more distant and now we are arguing on a constant basis. I’m concerned about my former friend’s (her lover’s) behaviours and what impact he will have on my children. It’s important I list them…

He has been convicted of beating up his wife (3 months suspended sentence).
He told us his wife had abandoned her child, when in reality he prevented her from entering the house. The son refuses to see his mother and the father refuses to facilitate the two of them getting back together again.
He cheated numerous (admitting to 2) times on his wife.
He has gone to his ex-wife’s boyfriend’s house menacing that he will get his kids.
He has taken his son with him to cut the tires of his mother’s car and to break the mailbox.
He has tried to commit suicide (hanging) – his wife and child found him in the garage (this was in 2003). Seems he must have waited until they were just arriving, so this was probably more of a cry for help.

There’s more, but psychologically this man needs help and has not gotten any. This man thinks of no one but himself. I’m worried that unconsciously he will say things that do psychological harm to my children. I don’t take this lightly because at 11 and 12 years old, they are highly impressionable. She wants them to see him and for all of them to be together as a ‘new family’ I suppose. She says not…that he lives too far away. But she says she doesn’t want to go to him and not ‘be able to walk all together on the beach’ along with the children. This sure sounds like a family outing to me. I’m not sure this is a good idea. I know more about this ‘friend’ of mine than she realises.

She says I’m not over her and I’m trying to control her life. Actually, I am not over her. How can you be fully over something as horrible as a separation from someone you loved so much. I really loved her. I think I will always love her. She is the mother of our children. I don’t think that first love is something you ever completely get over. I will always wonder why things went so bad. I will always wonder why she so eagerly accepted my apologies for all I had ‘done’ to our relationship, yet I have not received an apology yet from her. I have not received recognition that maybe she didn’t give me the support I needed as a husband. That maybe she didn’t really give us a chance. She won’t even admit that going on that family vacation was NOT an appropriate test of our love for each other.

Okay. So, maybe I still love her. That doesn’t mean I’m not ‘over’ her. This does not mean that I can’t be angry with her. This doesn’t mean that I can excuse irresponsible behaviour towards our children. This certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t be disgusted by the image of her in my bed (she kept our bed) with my ex-friend. This doesn’t remove the sense of betrayal on her part and on his part towards me. Apologies don’t seem to come from that direction either. I’m angry with her that she can’t bring herself to see the hurt she gave me and to apologise for it.

But – I can live with that and set it aside. I’m okay to move on. I want to date and see other women. I know with time my wounds will heal. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am good father. I know that I am good in bed and not a loser with women. I know that I am good at my work. I know that I’m a positive person with a healthy outlook on life in general. My depression is behind me and I see things much more clearly than I did before. I also understand myself much better and what I’m willing to do and not willing to do for the woman I love.

So where am I now? For now, I concentrate on me and my children. I’m worried about my children and I want to make sure that this separation doesn’t cause them lasting harm. Their mother (my wife) has talked to them about her lover and tried to explain that his behaviour does not make him a bad person. I don’t agree. His behaviour was (and still is) bad and he has no remorse from having done it. He has not apologised to his wife. He does not think that what he has done is wrong. He has not apologised to me for having gone a bit far with my wife. He doesn’t feel bad about the fact that his son does not see his mother (something I could NEVER accept from my children). I’m dating again. I’ve bought a house that will be better for me and my children. I’m taking things slowly for their sake. I will not introduce them to my ‘dates’ until I know them better. I will continue to do things the best that I can and be able to hold my head high. I’ve said I’m willing to meet with him to discuss why he betrayed me. So far it has not happened.

I take comfort in my friends who tell me I’m doing the right thing. They find her behaviour selfish and a bit childish. It’s as if she is having a good time in the ‘candy’ store now that she has permission to be with this man. They believe it is all a 40-something crisis brought on by a number of factors, including my problems at work, my depression, my physical state, my mother, but also her own feelings about time slipping away and her aging and lack of fulfilment.

Okay – So…I’m moving on and feeling okay about that. I want us to stay on good terms and to have a good relationship. All for the kids sake.

But I have a challenge. Her behaviour and relationship with this ex-friend worries me as it might impact the children. He has cheated on his wife. He has betrayed a friend. He has beat his wife. He has used his child to help him create a crime. Can I accept that this man be exposed to my children? Can I let them feel the psychological impact of having this guy around them? What is the impact on them? What do we do to prevent him from using my children to do harm? My wife says his behaviours are not pre-meditated. This does not reassure me! It makes it worse since he has no control. He does things ‘at will’ without thinking through the consequences. What will make him pause in the future?

Because this wound is still quite raw, I’m not ready to divorce. I’m not ready to put an end to our ‘link’ together if only to protect the children. Putting our marriage to a final end even with a 50/50 split implies that we go in two different directions and she can ‘do anything she wants’ with our children. This is what she has said to me. Her life is hers and she will take the responsibility for the children during the time she has them. She says I MUST TRUST her. We always said we would agree on what we do with the children. She’s beginning to go back on that saying she knows best and I have no right to say.

Unfortunately, today…I’m not sure I can. There is very little in what she has done over the last year or so that says that I should trust her. She says she has no long term plan. She says she has no vision for what life she wants to create. She doesn’t say she is living for the children and in their best interests. She gives me little confidence that she is thinking of them. She doesn’t hold her promises or commitments. She hasn’t tried to fix any of the things that were broken between us.

Perhaps there is a metaphor. While we were breaking up several important objects that were very important to me were broken. I cried when they broke as they were always objects that represented something important to me. They were belongings I had all my life. As I cried, she would sit next to me and say…Don’t worry…I’ll fix it. I’ll glue it back together. I’ll do it for you. Those objects are still broken. I hold them as a reminder of what she promised me in my darkest moments. She promised to fix them. She never has and hasn’t even asked me if I have done so myself. It is a symbol of broken promises, broken vows (for better or worse), my broken heart. I’ve bought new things, but I will hold these objects as a reminder. Perhaps some day I’ll just through them away. I’m not ready to throw them away yet.

More importantly, I want to keep my children whole. I don’t them to fall into pieces and get glued back together in a haphazard way. I want them to keep a certain innocence and a certain belief in what is good and what is bad. I want them to live what we think is morally right – not what we can ‘get away with’. I hope I’m right.
============================================
A bit about my wife her childhood and our children.

My wife comes from an unusual family background. Her mother had her at 17 years of age. She had a reputation for “getting around” which for years I didn’t believe, but I think now I must (she’s currently sleeping around with another man and even pretends to be friends with his wife). My wife never new her father and one point she tried to find him. We found who we think might have been her father but he renounced her. This was certainly a very painful time for her. Her dream of finding her ‘dream father’ had not been fulfilled.

So my wife has never had a father nor has she had a role model. Her mother eventually remarried a much older man who was abusive towards my wife (more mentally than physically). Her mother has continued to have adulterous affairs. I’m convinced that this has had some impact on her in her later years.

Because of all that’s been going on with this current lover (my ex-friend) and her sister’s soft drug use in the house, and her mother’s adulterous affair, I asked my wife what she thought of morality. I say we should be driving our children’s morality and setting down the foundation for proper behaviours that should happen later in life. I believe that we should be good examples of how to behave. She believes that the children can see what is going on and make their own decisions about what is good morality and what is bad. She believes that our children will build their own morality and are capable of making their own decisions later in life. It is what she did and she feels very comfortable with her morality for what makes a good person. I’m not convinced that we should be ignoring this at this time of their lives (11 and 12).

I don’t want to paint a picture of a bad mother. She does a LOT for them. She makes sure the homework is done. She feeds them well. She gives them a lot. She has a great relationship with them. At times I think she does TOO much for them. I’d like to see them become more independent, but the love she holds for her children is very strong. Which I guess is why I’m a bit perplexed. Why would she want to expose the children to this guy? Why does she not tell her sister that drug use in the house if forbidden? Why does she so readily accept her mother’s behaviour as ‘her business’ and not show disgust or embarrassment? Why doesn’t she tell her mother she thinks it is wrong?

I think her childhood was actually sad and has allowed her to accept behaviours that we should be condemning and setting as bad examples for our children. I don’t see any point in overtly discussing these family problems, but we should limit the children’s exposure to the people so the behaviours aren’t ‘in their face’. It isn’t to say that people who do bad things are all bad, but we shouldn’t be excusing these

wow, that is some story. i am very sorry for your pain.
it was long....it came back several times before i finsihed it.

it sounds to me like your wife has major co-dependency issues....and that is what her therapist was trying to help her with. but look...now she is making the same mistakes w/ your friend.
is she still seeing that therapist??

unfortunately, the therapist was not very pro-marriage. not unusual. search this articles on this site...look for an an article by Dr.Harley on how the Co-dependency movement is ruining marriages....i read it a couple of years ago at the height of my issues and was always a little leary of IC because of it.
and...
when i read your story i was reminded of it.

couple things i am not clear on from your story....
did you have an affair? or did your wife find out soemthing that made her think you did?

what was the issue w/ your sex life? and when did she make you aware that she was not pleased w/ it? and what exactly were her complaints?
you were a little vague about this......yet, you mentioned several times that the sex was her main issue w/ you.

Thanks for taking an interest. No - I never had an affair.

I think her sexual needs were simply greater than mine and there were times when I pushed her away - mostly because I was exhausted. Rather than realising I loved her but didn't want to at that time, she took it as a rejection of her. She tells me she lived with this pain for much of our marriage and to be honest I felt it, but felt incapable of doing anything about it. For my point of view, and after talking to my therapist about it (something I did relatively recently) I am the kind of person who wants to do things well or not at all. So for me, if I was exhausted, tired, stressed, whatever - I couldn't imagine having sex. I wouldn't be able to go a good job of it, so I said 'not tonight honey,' I'm tired. Because I had a tough time talking about it I think we ended up in a bit of a vicious cycle, where I would come home from a business trip, be exhausted, but she would expect (want) me to perform...I couldn't and she saw this as me pushing her away. Honestly, I thought I was the sick one. Everyone talks about how we (as men) should ALWAYS be able to get it up - and be there at any time. I simply felt like a failure in this and I felt really embarrassed to talk about it or do anything about it. It was admitting failure of my manhood. In retrospect, I have to say that she didn't help matters. She saw that it was difficult for me to talk about and rather than figuring how to bring out the best in me in other ways - she insisted on talking about it, which made me withdraw further (and eventually in the last few months) get rather defensive.

Hope this helps clear it up.

Quick additional point - she said to me she has stopped seeing the therapist. Actually, I'd like her to find another one...One that is pro-marriage because I think she still has a lot to sort out. I gave her a couple of names, but I don't think she has done anything with them.

i understand.... i was in a very similar boat w/ my husband for several years. i can relate to the type of rejection your wife describes.
i can also understand where YOU were coming from.....my H described himself in a similar way.
our situation was complicated by the fact that my H frequented bars and strip clubs (and lied to me about it)while travelling etc. when i learned of this, i felt rejected X2 and very resentful..... and I wanted to understand if your wife might be harboring resentment about your independant behaviour as well as the lack of sex.

interesting that she has given up that therapist....has she mentione dwhy?
i am betting it has something to do w/ the fact that she does not want to hear what the therapist has to say about her interactions w/ this new man.

Interesting...No...I did not go to strip clubs or bars. I was home all the time I could be home and when I traveled on business I called morning, noon, and night. So there was a link. Sometimes I was out late with colleagues, but that was really business. In any case, I always summarized the next morning when it was really late (and in fact, I would call her from the restaurant).

I wouldn't exactly call that 'indepedent' behaviour. Had I been independent, I don't think I would have called 3x a day. Sometimes I think maybe I wasn't indepdendent enough. Calling 3x a day when traveling on business may have been excessive! As for the therapist, well - the only thing I know is she said she stopped because she wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. Can't get any deeper than that.

My husband did the same thing to me. We had sex twice in a year. Sorry for your pain, but if you let me be honest for a second, it makes feel a woman worthless, ugly, miserable. Rejection in bed is the second worst thing that my h. did to me. I sincerely wish you well fixing that.

InBelgium,
let me ask you you.all this time you were married and committed to your wife but not having much sex w/ her.....what were YOU doing for sex?
did you ever discuss what she thought you were doing?
it is difficult for a woman to understand/believe that a man doesn't have a sex drive.
could she have thought you were having an affair?
if she imagine dthat you were satisfied w/ masturbation to her, i am sure that felt like a major rejection to her....in some ways, just as bad as an affair...and then add all of the issues from her past and she likely felt very unloved, and that is why she turned to another man. she was looking for acceptence in the wrong places. she needs to learn to love herself first. too bad her therapist couldn't help her w/ that.
it is a sad story.

how does she receive you these days?
can you discuss the past w/ her at all? do you discuss the lack of sex? how do you explain it to her?
are you still seeing your therapist?

Hi everyone. I'll answer the questions in order.

Dear ShaneTH...
For most of our married life we had sex 1x per week (sometimes 2X per month). When I was under extreme pressure (at the height of my depression) we had it 1x per month (never longer).

Dear Nia17
We did discuss our sex life a little bit. I was embarrassed by it (hearing that you aren't enough for you wife is not easy). I was not masterbating over her. Again 1x per week was okay for me...2x sometimes...2x per month when I was under stress. When it got to 1X per month it was diastrous.

Now? Well - she has never admitted hurting me. We've discussed the lack of sex and she says that although she is sure I loved her she no longer feels 'in love' with me. IN essence when we talk about the past it is all my fault. She has never admitted to having also hurt me, having also not supported me. As for my sexual aspects - it is kind of how I explain it here. I was traveling, I was exhausted, her way of dealing with me gave me a lack of confidence. I am not seeing my therapist now. She felt I was doing better and should have some time to rebuild my life.

Hope that helps.

let me clarify...i meant were you masturbating INSTEAD of having sex with her?
could she have thought you preferred masturbation (fantasy)to sex WITH her?
i was just wondering if she felt she was not enough for you either.....that was the way i felt w/ my H, due to his fascination w/ fantasy and masturbation.....
i can relate to your pain and humiliation @ not feeling you are enough to satisfy her... sorry.

so anyway....you were so busy working and travelling that you didn't have time to think about sex?
that's amazing. that is exactly what I THOUGHT my husband was like....he just seemed so preoccupied w/ work....that he didn't have much time for me or sex. (we did have sex regularly...3-4 X a week...but it felt empty and sometimes mechanical) i was shocked to find out he had a hidden sex life...even if it was mostly fantasy. it hurt and it really hurt when he refused to acknowledge my pain and tried to both downplay his behaviour AND blame his need to do it on me.
i was so confused for so long.
he eventually admitted that he had been hididng a lot about himself from me. he apologized and seemed remorseful. it helped. we are still working on rebuilding our relationship....but, i find it difficult to trust him and his words. i always feel like there is 50% chance he's lying to me.

have you explained to your wife exactly WHAT you would like her to admit to?
how did she hurt you?
i have asked my H to try to tell me this....i get the distinct feeling that he feels resentment toward me for something(s) but, he never wants to get into that conversation. maybe he blocked it out and can't remember. maybe he really didn't FEEL much of anything.
i just know it would help ME (forgive him)if i understood his pain how he thought of me for all those years.

do you think maybe your wife doesn't acknowledge her part in the demise of your relationship becuse she doesn't undertand it?

have you red about the Emotional Needs?
what are your top 5? any ideas on your wifes?

HI there. No - I wasn't masturbating instead of having sex...Well - not entirely true. Sometimes when traveling and feeling lonely at night in the hotel I would. I feel sorry for you about 3-4x per week, especially if it was mechanical. On my side, I really enjoyed sex with my wife. I would wait until she'd have her orgasm and then take my turn. Best was when we both had our orgasm together. It felt so good to please her. In a way, I think not doing VERY often made it that much better. It meant more. It was more precious. Well - I guess we should all try to find an equilibrium. Since, I'mve acknowledged her pain in this. I've tried to explain that I really DID love her and I think I showed her I loved her in other ways. We cuddled. We'd touch. We'd say 'I love you' every day. I'd call her 3x a day to say this whenever I was away.

What is painful for me right now is that she HAS hurt me very much and won't acknowledge it. Her complaints about not having sex enough was painful. Shes never told me that she appreciates that I've moved halfway around the world for her and given up my friends and family for her. She wasn't there for me when I had my problems with work. She never even said 'I know you are trying very hard - how can I help!' It was always a criticism. She only talks of the resentment she felt over this - and now - all the other issues.

If it helps, maybe he's feeling the pain my wife says she felt. Boredom with me...A sense of mechanical sex (she said we got into a routine of Saturday nights in bed which I guess for her was mechanical). Because it's mechanical he doesn't feel loved. She resents me for not being ABLE to talk about sex...It's true - as an American (I'm assuming you are one) we have a harder time talking about sex. It really sounds like the hangup is sex and not feeling comfortable talking about what his 'different' needs are from yours. Have you considered a sex therapist where you can REALLY talk about what he's NOT getting out of 3-4x per week. If you are doing it that often I guess there is a lot of room for creativity. Maybe he has unrealistic expectations of sex?

As for the methodologies in this site, I asked her try and apply them. She refused saying the approach is too American.

And yes...My feeling is that my wife does not recognise her part in the demise.

However, that's us and I accept what I did wrong..I wrote a letter saying so. She's never written one about me and what I was experiencing.

As for the children, I'm concerned that she is not thinking of them. She does not take into account where they are right now (still young). She's abandoned morality and prudence in their care in order to 'find' something else. This guy is a traitor (he betrayed me), a wife beater, a manipulator. All these are things that could harm them. He's turned his own children against their mother. What is to stop him from doing the same to me if he is with them? How do I protect myself from this?

yes, we are american and he had a difficult time talking about sex and expectations. we both had expectations.
turned out there were quite a few things he couldn't share. for awhile, sex wasn't fulfilling for either of us and i couldn't figure out why. we had some good times, vacations were always good...but, once we got back to the daily grind, intimacy became a struggle.
but, we still tried.
he had a sex/porn/masturbation addiction that i knew nothing of. he was ashamed of it and hid it very well. addiction runs in his family.when he was stressed w/ work or me.....he would turn away from me and become very distant. i thought he was working hard/ working late.
was he bored w/ me? sometimes, sure....we both were. but, i learned his 'addcitive patterns' were in place long before me and there was nothing i could have done about it.
things are much better now.
we have been to marriage counselling and IC. still a work in progress, but doing much better than we were.
i still tend to harp on my resentments sometimes.i know it is destructive....bu, i still can get angry about certain things.
it is funny that your wife said this website and it's approach is too american for her. that is exactly why i showed it to my H....i thought it was right up his alley.
he agreed.....and we tried to implement the MB principles about 4 years ago....but, at that time he was still hiding and lying about his addictive behaviour.....so, it's taken us awhile to uncover everything.

i wish i knew what to tell you about the other man and your children. that would really bother me too. i am sorry you have to deal w/ that.
i was under the impression that your w/ was losing interest in him?

She's not losing interest. IN fact, I would say she is getting bolder. We share the children 50/50 and our exchange time is Friday at 6:00pm. On Thursday night she asked me if I could do the switch of their belongings in the morning and if I could pick up the kids right after school instead (there's a longer story, but I think this is enough right now). When I asked her why - she wanted to leave Friday morning to spend the weekend with this lover.

I asked her if she realised how much asking me to do that hurt me? No answer. I told her no - we ARE still married after all (separated, but married) and this is really an unreasonable request. She should drop off the children at the respected time and it should be HER not some substitute. Was I wrong to be upset?