About a month ago my wife cofessed she had been seeing some one. But as a friend only. My wife is a nurse and Dan was a patient of hers. I felt like I was kicked in the teeth. She insisted that he is only a friend. So being the great guy that I am, I agreed to accept the friendship and see what happens.

So I let it go. To tell you truth I really didn't have any choice.

I need to tell you about our marriage. We have been married for 24 years, 3 perfect kids. I was in the Air Force for 20 years and I spent alot of time away from home. For the last 15 years of our marriage, we haven't been happy. Kids, work, my wife's school took time away from us. I fully admit I should have pay more attention to her, but I didn't know or I did not care. Our sex life has been boring and predictable at best. Does this all sound familiar?

When she told me about Dan, she told he fills a part of her I could and will never reach. (Great ego booster) He's kind, generous, passionate, everything that I am not. She says I need to improve myself before she could consider getting close to me. I think about it and I was never like Dan. I try to discuss it with her and she gets mad. She doesn't have time for us. She doing this for her. She keeps telling me to wait after the school semester, then she will deal with it. So I got a week before she will attempt to deal with it.

Over the last 2 weeks, thier relationship has flourish. And ours get worse and worse. I have started reading her emails that she thought were private. Guess what, nothing is ever private on the computer. I don't get all the emails, but I get enough to know that this isn't a friendship anymore. This is a full fledged affair with sex and everything. I've tried to discuss it with her and she won't admit to the affair and she still doesn't know I can read her email. I feel like a peeping Tom. But this is the only way I can learn the truth.

This my wife's solution. She can have her cake and eat it too. She goes to work, meets Dan after work for a couple hours in the parking lot, and then comes home to me and expects me to ignore it and be a loving husband. Am I crazy? Should this bother me as much as it does?

Another thing about Dan you should know. He is an alcoholic. And runs to the bottle frequently. My wife has already found him passed out on the floor drunk. But she still runs to him every chance. Then she'll come home and talk about him like he's one of the family. And then gets pissed off when I get upset she's talking about him.

Enough! I can go on all day. Should I be mad? Should I agree with my wife and accept him as part of her life and ultimately part of mine?

All opinions are welcome. I need some sort guidance. If you need more info just ask.

Thanks in advance.

Larry...

You should move this to the General Questions II board. You will get many more responses there and you will find a lot of helpful people who know a lot.

Hang in there and move this to GQII.

I second 19's suggestion. However:

Absolutely, positively, do NOT lay down and accept this! Do you really want to be the dope who takes care of the kids, cleans house and pays the bills while another man is banging your wife? As they say around here, MAN UP.

You say you feel like a peeping tom...get over it and increase your surveilance. You need intel. Put a key logger on the computer...maybe they chat over IM. Put a recorder on the home phone and find out what they talk about. Get access to her cell phone records. Put a voice activated digital recorder in her car. There is a 'spying 101' thread around here somewhere, find it!

Using these sources of intel, find out where this guy lives and works. Find out if he's married. Find out if he has a criminal record. HE IS THE ENEMY. And as Sun Tzu wrote, 'Know thy enemy'.

Do not refer to this vermin as 'Dan' any more. He is the other man (OM). He is her boyfriend. He is her affair partner. HE IS THE ENEMY. Call it what it is.

While you're conducting surveilance, work on wooing your wife back to you. There are well written threads around here on 'Plan A'. Admittedly I'm weak on this. Find them and read them.

When the time is right you will confront your cheating wife and expose the affair. There is a survival guide for betrayed spouses (BS). You are one so go read it.

All this may sound harsh. So is the realization that your wife is having an affair. You need to harden up for the good of your family, and for heaven's sake do NOT accept this!

Good luck!