Hi everyone - <P>My H has an affair on hold with OW, but he sees her everyday - she works for him. She and I were developing a friendship up until the affair started. <P>Many people have asked if I have called or emailed her - My response is no - sh eis not worth it. However, today I have a notion to call - not to give her a piece of my mind, but to ask some why questions. Not that she can even answer them, bu tmake her think about what she did - even tho my H says she is devastated that they did this. <P>Do I dare do this - or is it only asking for trouble? I do believe that overall she is a decent person - I am actually surprised that she hasn't sent him packing - to work on the marriage.<P>------------------<BR>H

I'm getting to be a regular at answering your posting. I guess I can just hear so much of myself with you. Unlike you, my H met his ow on-line. I had at least the benifit of not knowing her or seeing her. I think that would have just created more questions. You see my H likes small women (I am)but the ow he was with was a lot larger than me. He fell for the feelings first, then when he met her and he wasn't attracted he still didn't want those feelings to go away. TOO STRANGE FOR ME. Anyway the weekend he left to go visit his folks, he met her on the way. I think I knew that was what he was going to do. I called her at work; she lied through her teeth and said she hadn't seen him and only wanted our relationship to work. I almost liked her for a moment....stupid me. Then I contacted her again when I found out she called our house during a weekend when my children were home. I couldn't believe my H would allow her to come into our house even though it was on the phone. So I called in front of my H (I was really possesed this day) I gave her a peice of my mind then handed the phone to my H to deny anything I said, he hung up the phone. So I hit redial and told her that he didn't have the guts to talk to her, tried handing the phone to him again, and he hung up. Then when I found out for sure (they were at a hotel together) I called her husband and told him all. He had no idea what was going on. I helped him anyway I could and we became friends. Their marriage didn't survive, but ours did. You need to know what may happen if you contact her, your H may get very defensive for her, my H did. He told me she had enough problems, and I though what about me. You need to be ready for that. My H took up for her so much, I just didn't get it. He believed everything she said and nothing of what I said. You know if you contact the ow she will most likely tell you H immediately. If I were you, I would let your H know you want to speak with her with or without his permission. She is the one along with your H that chose to have an affair, you had no say in it. I hope it works for you, let me know if I can be of help. Mickie

I stopped by the other mans apartement on several occations when my wife was at his place and also called him at home and at work a couple of times right after I found out about the affair. When I thought the relationship was over, I sent the other man a letter as some closure for me and he called me after receiving it. He was real appologetic at the time for what he had done, and requested that I quit contacting him. Needless to say about two months later I caught my wife at his apartment having sex with him. So much for his appology. Not sure the contact helped me any, but I would think it was a real love buster for him to realize that as long as he kept seeing my wife, I would keep seeing or contacting him also. <P>Good luck.

I've been really tempted also to have a polite or not so polite discussion with the OW. I just don't know what it will solve at this point in all of this mess. I will have my day with her at some point you better believe that!

Speaking from the other point of view (I'm a betrayer), the wife of my OM contacted me by phone and I have to say it sort of put me in my place.<P>Basically the wife told me to get some counseling with my husband and she made me think about what I was doing to him. She told me to stop contacting her husband and I told her that her husband should also be telling me this. When she put her husband on the phone he couldn't say it and was just answering yes or no questions to me (basically lying to his wife right in front of her so she would think that he was telling me he no longer wanted to speak to me). I have to say this got me pretty fed up and made me wonder why I would want to be with someone like this anyway (although I didn't have those feelings too long).<P>So, I guess what I'm saying...if you rationally speak to her it could have an effect.

Hi,<BR>I have contracted OW. I called her on her mobile phone- she lives out of state. She was nervous but answered my questions. She is the one who confirmed they had sex-H never came clean with that. I also e-mailed her to leave ny H alone and to work on her own marriage. Made me feel alot better, after I got really angry. Now I feel that I can really move on. Hope this helps. Good luck

gladimadeit-<P>I wanted to let you know that when my H and I talk about her he doesn't defend her - he says that isn't fair to me. He is showing some respect. He sends so many mixed signals. <P>Anyway, I pointed out that she was after him in the beginning (I warned him the first time I met her). When we talk about it now - even tho I am convinced she was after him that it was all played in the subconscious - we doesn't defend her. I have been getting rid of gifts she gave us and our son - he said I could at least let him know as if he was going to maybe give them back. I told him knew now and that giving them back was not an option. That if this marriage ended, there was no way that toys, etc would ever make it back to my hosue. he backed off immediately. <P>Two days after they first slept together, I was giving a party and she came over early to help me. Stood in my kitchen and told me (and a friend) that she had such a connection with my H. Several people told me to watch my back that she was after him. So it wasn't even me being a paranoid wife. I think about all the things we did together - we even had her babysit my son while we took my family around the city. My father and his wife toured her condo! How could someone with any scrupples look at themmselves in the mirror???<P>Anyway - I am still deciding if it is worth the phone call. To know that she cheatedon her H and he cheated on her - then they dicorced. Knowing the kind of pain it caused - how could she. She loves kids - knowin gwe had a 9 month old (at the time) - how could she. She knew that there was a distance in my marriage, but that it was a good marriage and that the distance would probably be worked out. How can anyone do this to someone else???<P>Oh well. That is a question we can not answer!!!<P>Thanks for all!

I contacted the OW by phone. She seemed really sincere that she had no interest in a married man. If you read my current thread "He's telling unbelievable stories" you'll see the rest of the story. She lied to me. However, I don't regret calling. He's a liar, she's a liar, if they get together it won't be pretty.<P>If you contact, keep your dignity and remember what you are hearing may or may not be the truth. And be ready to hear how very much your spouse loves/desires the OP and does not love/desire you.

I don't know. I have thought about contacting ow and h's family has said I should, but she's such a young thing and he's so sure that she's sweet and naive that I think I'd do myself more damage than good. I have written her about 10 letters (never mailed) to just get it out of my system. That made me feel some better. My MIL talked with her about what she was doing, she didn't really talk back, just listened and said a lot of "Yes Mam"'s. I just don't know if I could stay at all dignified - either lose my temper or break down. So, for now, I'm avoiding that confrontation.

I have talked to the OW several times - she is basically a stuipid ***** ! The first time oh I will back off - I didn't mean to hurt anyone it just happened. Then he moved out and came back a week later. She called apologized and even asked if I wanted him back? I talked to her for quite awhile - she made reference to talking fantasy and when reality conversations came up how he would back off. Then he lied and went back again -the more I talked to him about the fantasy life the more he went to prove me wrong - then he came home a few months later - and talked his head off all the terrible things about her - didn't understand even the sex part because ours was so much better didn't understand the obsession (She worked with him and is really a *****y person) anyway told me terrible stuff - a few days later started up again - I called her and she pretended to be empathetic to what my kids and I were going through - liar - she didn't give a damn - it is known she all she wants is a baby - has played my husband real well ! Told her I had enough - Talked to her one more time after that -a sked her if she coudl see what craziness he was going through and she wasn't helping - finally afrter months the tables are turning on her - I don't know how much or if he sees her - I only know he spends lots of time with me and the kids and I truly believe in my heart if it isn't over it will be soon - think he is finally realizing how out of control and crazy it got and it isn't fun or exciting ! She on the other hand is a desperate woman who even had her BF do this and was devistated and sick and then she turns and does it to another person and kids !! and tried telling me she was a good person ! Yes - lots of good people do this sort of thing ! My H is coming out of depression and I know no matter what our outcome she will not be around ing the end and she will have to live with what she did -- bottom line don't believe a word she says - they are all liars that's why they are involved in this from the beginning so what will you be able to believe ?? <BR> God Bless

hello dhj,<BR>Why do you want to talk to her? This is what you need to ask yourself. <BR>You will expect to hear her be apologetic? Nope, she will lie.<BR>You will expect her to say all the right things to make you feel better? Nope, she will belittle you and lie some more.<BR>She will tell you that your H said this and that-all lies. Sorry, but I am not a proponent of this method. Been there, done that and it was not pretty!! <BR>I would suggest you proitect the loving feelings you have for your H at this point by staying far away from this ow. She sounds like a snake and she probably bites-will ending up hurting more than helping!!<BR>Work on your marriage with you h, and keep this ow out of your life as much as possible.

dhj,<P>I talked to OW several times as well and I do not regret it. She is also a co-worker of my H and I felt the need to let her know there was another person involved in this relationship. I had no idea what to expect. She was very cruel and condescending. It upset me a little at first, but in many ways it made me feel better to know what type of person she was. I knew after our first conversation that if he my H ever left me for her it would never last. I knew he was being fooled by her sweet attitude toward him. I told him about our conversations and he was somewhat shocked that she talked to me the way she did.<P>I am different than many people on this board because I feel the need to confront everything. I HAVE to know even if it is painful. Since I had never met her I could not just sit back and wonder. Besides I had every intention of letting her know she has been found out about and I would let her H know as well. I told her H a few days later after she had time to tell him. I felt he should know as well. I also shocked the daylights out of her when she found out that I had gotten information on her and could throw it back in her face just like she was doing to me. By our third conversation she said "God, does he tell you everything?". I was more than happy to say "It hurts when private things are thrown in your face doesn't it?". <P>My advice...If you need to do it for you then you should. You should not expect any apologies because chances are very good you will not get it or it will be very insincere. Just try to stay as calm as possible.

I have had some contact with "frootloop", she talks in circles, won't answer questions, and tells me to "get on with my life". she's been through this drama so many times she is well practiced in avoiding the truth (she was proud to have cheated on her H-i found that out when she came to my house last year).<BR>The contact that WAS valuable were a few emails i sent to her, when i suspected they were STILL seeing each other. when she called me after those, i found out my H had told her we were totally separated and divorcing (news to ME!). It was the only avenue i had to the truth, since i dont' believe a thing he tells me.<BR>your h lives with you, so you are not so up in the air, you may not need any drastic measures like that (my H was living with OW).<BR>I don't think you should talk to her unless he really gives you hints that it is not over when it should be. he will end it, or become a much better liar about it. keep your radar up and an ace up your sleeve.

I wanted to see and talk to my husbands OW too but, haven't done so yet. <P>They work together and currently they aren't speaking. It has been 4 weeks sense he last spoke to her and prior to that nearly 6. <P>I figure if I call her or talk to her then it gives her another reason to talk to my husband. He is still in love with her. It has been almost 6 months. The last time they spoke all she had to do was walk by him and another co-worker and say hello. That's all she needed to do for husband to make sure they punched out together and talk about how their two week shut down/vacation was.<P>So I figure that if I talk to her then she will have a good reason to talk to him. It is bad enough that she is in his view all day long six days a week. When he talks to her it really puts us back to day one of withdrawal.<P>As long as there is really no contact then at least she isn't depositing love units.<P>Someday I feel I probably will talk to her and see her in the flesh. I am trying to wait on God. Some days I have a hard time with that.<P>I know I really want her to appologize to me but, husband says she'd never do it and that she really feels I got what I deserve.<P>Aside from my husbands betrayal I am incrediably hurt to be betrayed by a fellow female. I have always cherrished and loved my friendships with women. Now I feel I can't trust any and have no interest in developing new friend ships. I always thought we were kindred sisters so to speak. Now I am hurt from all angles. I know I could never do this to another human being.<P>So I am rambling I know it. I am really not trying to give you advise as much as let you see another point of view.<P>Please keep us informed as to what you do. I am very interested in the outcome. I may be able to use it as a referrence point for my own situation someday.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I too, am really tempted to contact OW. She lives in England with a 2 year old son (read my posting - you'll get the idea). I've found emails from OW to H, but none from H to OW. I wonder what he's telling her. I'd really like to let her know I know and see what kind of response I get. My H hasn't cut off contact (yet). I've asked him to. He's supposed to go back to England for a class in October. If he does, I move to Plan b and he knows that. I still don't know if its worth the price of contacting OW or letting it go.

What cl said. I did it several times and only got lies from the OW. And it raised more questions. Of course, I wouldn't know as much as I do if I hadn't contacted her, because my H certainly wasn't opening up until I had some hard evidence obtained from OW. On the one hand, it made him fess up, and on the other it messed up my head with lies.<P>Take your pick!<P>------------------<BR>"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."<BR>-- Andre Gide