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Joined: Aug 2005
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Great thread, Melody. If exposure is the weapon to smash an adultery, NC is the bulwark that keeps it at bay.

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Way back when...my H. did not/would not demand NC. After discussing it he told me that he was afraid that demanding NC would make me resent him. He was trying to let me figure it out on my own.

Guess what. All the while I was MAD at him for NOT demanding NC!!!

When I finally quit my job was when we finally rounded a corner.


Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~ Kinky Friedman
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Ml,
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I am not trying to fill your lovebank, LLG.

I never asked you to. However it would seem to me that the principles that Dr Harley mentions would apply in relations not only to our mates but to others that we have interatcion with as well. Wouldn't you say?

So are you saying that you choose not to act with respect when corresponding to me or my fellow posters?


LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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LLG, as I said before, I am not trying to fill your lovebank so no, Marriage Builders principles do not apply to general conversation with others. Nor have I said anything disrespectful. Foolishness is foolishness and it's not "disrespectful" to say so. Good grief...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Great thread Mel. As usual you are right on the money with MB Principles.

Keep posting.

WOL


BS (Me) 43 WW or FWW 40 2 DS's 16 and 13 Married 21 Years D-day 9/10/2005 Exposure 9/11/2005 False NC 9/11/2005 Discovery of Contact 12/23/2005 NC (Letter written Jan 2006) Divorce Petition Filed Jan 2006 In a holding pattern. Me Still Handing in there Phil 4:13
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Ml,

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Marriage Builders principles do not apply to general conversation with others.


As I said I never asked for you to fill my love bank. To me, not DJing is a simple courtesy. However it isn't for me to press my opinion on you. If I don't want to read post that are motherly, rude and disrespectful, I reserve the right to continue overlooking whatever you post. So much for that.

Last edited by LLG; 05/09/06 03:49 PM.

LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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LLG, if you are that sensitive, then you shouldn't read my posts at all. That is just silly to get offended over the word "foolishness."

If you attempt to inflict your hypersensitive standards on others you are going to find that disappointment will be your lot in life, I assure you. You have to accept that others are simply not as sensitive as you and understand that you can't change them. You only have control over yourself, not others.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LLG-

There's no benefit in attempting to point out to Mel that her posts come across this way...she's very much aware that many people respond the exact same way to her posts...she simply doesn't care.

Your best bet is to either read her posts and gleam the very useful information that she provides out from the tactless and judgemental comments that she makes, or simply ignore her comments altogether.

I value her advice greatly...but have learned to ignore anything she says that isn't directly aimed at solving the problem.

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the opposite of wise is foolish- as we ALL know it is not wise for someone to continue contact with the op.

why is it wrong to say that it is foolish to allow contact- we all know it is not wise.

how the heck is that an LB or a DJ?

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Somedays I feel I have entered the twilight zone on this forum. Can you believe all this teeth gnashing is over the use of the word "foolishness?"

Owl, you mean they come across that way TO YOU. You don't speak for others, only yourself.

You are right, there is absolutely no benefit in trying to point out that you don't like my style. Because I do not care if you approve of me. I DO like my style and that is what is matters.

My style is an expression of my personality, just as yours is an expression of yours. Your dislike of mine is your own personal problem that has nothing to do with me.

One man's idea of "rude" is anothers idea of forthrightness. And I am sorry, but anyone who believes it is "rude" to use the word foolishness is overly sensitive and has other serious issues.

I will just say again, that if you believe others should live up to your personal standard of expression, you are very arrogant and I would predict that disappointment will be your lot in life. Others are not obliged to live up to your personal standards of expression, but to THEIR OWN, as it suits them.

You can't control others, Owl; you can only control yourself.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree...it's not wise to allow contact to continue.

But, there is a world of difference in how someone will respond if you call them 'unwise' vs. 'foolish'. Both mean the same thing...but calling them unwise is much more likely to NOT provoke them or make them feel attacked then calling them foolish.

It's all in how you say it.

I can tell someone that they are a major PITA...or I can tell them that they're difficult to work with, and that they might consider changing they're behavior so that it creates less stress for themselves and others. Both mean the same thing...but one is going to trigger a fight, and the other should cause them to think before they respond.

This is tact.

Hence my use of the word 'tactless'. As Mel is fond of phrasing things..."It's not wrong to call someone tactless...it's wrong to BE tactless".

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You're right Mel...and like you, I'm going to feel free to continue posting exactly what I feel and say. If you don't like it, that's fine as well.

We'll get along just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Mel,

Ok, sure.

Owl, lol.


LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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You're right Mel...and like you, I'm going to feel free to continue posting exactly what I feel and say. If you don't like it, that's fine as well.

We'll get along just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hopefully, some day you will clue into the fact that others are entitled to do the same. And will accept that you can't control the posting styles of others. You can only control yourself! That lesson seems to have eluded you thus far. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In your opinion, how long can I wait for the WW to commit to the NC before I start calling/emailing everyone close to her and me.
If i could be so bold, I'll answer in one word:
YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

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That lesson seems to have eluded you thus far.

Not at all Mel. I've LEARNED the lesson...which is why I'll feel free to post exactly what I want the way I want.

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Well, I feel the need to throw in my unasked for .02.

TOO OFTEN, people here get caught up with the tone and not the message of something said. The real issue IMVHO is not HOW something is said but WHAT is said. It has been **MY** perception here that the most soothing and "kind" and "supportive" people here are also the most enabling and in doing this in the end give far more destructive feedback than positive. Just my thoughts, perhaps you all disagree. That is ok too.

Lem


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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I agree...it's not wise to allow contact to continue.

But, there is a world of difference in how someone will respond if you call them 'unwise' vs. 'foolish'. Both mean the same thing...but calling them unwise is much more likely to NOT provoke them or make them feel attacked then calling them foolish. This is tact.

And here we go again, trying to dictate the posting style of others. Owl. Can you not see how arrogant that is? It is not my GOAL to be "TACTFUL;" it is YOURS. You arrogantly assume that everyone has the same goal as you. THEY DON'T.

Owl, I personally do not APPROVE of your posting style. I think you tend to be wimpy, hypersensitive and ineffective at times. But, you know what? That is your right to be as wimpy and ineffective as you choose in your posting style because that is an expression of YOUR personality.

I would never be so arrogant to suggest that you ADOPT a posting style that suited MY personality instead of yours. Now, wouldn't that be silly? Wouldn't that be arrogant?

So how about this, Owl. You post according your own taste and I will post according to mine. And I won't pretend like mine is BETTER than yours, only that yours is DIFFERENT. Now, wouldn't that be the TOLERANT thing to do?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The long knives of the Sensitivity Cops are out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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owl,
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You're right Mel...and like you, I'm going to feel free to continue posting exactly what I feel and say. If you don't like it, that's fine as well. [quote]

As well you should, but, what happened to the original Q about NC?
You asked how that was possible when a job change was not possible. On the other hand, Dr H has clearly stated that ,in spite of career changes or any other sacrifices, NC must be achieved!!
Note the exclamation points.
There is simply now way around this, and it is MVHO, you are engaged in this silly discussion in order to avoid the real Q.
How can I have my M and still have my H not quit his job in order to avoid all contact?
You can fool yourself if you want, but in your heart you know the real answer.
I earnestly hope your M is more important than the, perhaps, comfortable living your H is providing. In the end it will pale in comparison to your love and M to your H.
God Speed,
J

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