My husband and I have been married almost a year now and we have been together going on 3 years. I have always had an issue with trust but I put all that aside for him eventhough my gut, or fear there of, says other wise. He has shown me over and over again that he has an issue with lusting after other women and I dont know what to think of this. I have never had a problem with this, especially when I'm in a committed relationship and expected the same of others He had tons of swimsuit model magazines, this might not be much to others but this bothered me trememdously so he got rid of them. At least they no longer come here anymore. There have been times in public where he would stop and stare at women's butts and act as though I wasnt there? What would be done if I wasnt there? He has even followed a woman around the store staring at her thong and justified it by saying he likes pretty undewear, I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant at the time. I recently had a girl call here and say that she got the number from him but he just wanted to be a friend, why is this necessary if you are married? He says he has no idea who she is? He said he stopped looking at the swimsuit women cuz it botherd me, so I put a spy tracker on the computer that he doesn't know about. He has been looking at them and they are beginning to wear less and less clothes. But he lies and says he doesn't engage in this any more. Is it just me or does it sound like he very well could be cheating on me? personally looking at the women online or anywhere is cheating, i feel that is attention that should be going to me so its cheating our relationship. Does it sound like I should be worried or am I just extemely jealous? I don't think I'm jealous but more or less that I care sooo much!! O yea not only does he lust after them but tries to tell me what I need to do to look like them, in a sly manner. Should I continue investigating until I find out the truth or let it go?

Just a quick reply and also to give you a bump up the thread...if he is a Christian I would strongly recommend Every Man's Battle. The author has a website fredstoeker.com. You definitely do not need to let this go. I would suggest looking at the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Emotional Needs info on the Marriage Builders home page for starters.

Read this post from 090886 on "RECOVERY"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Her problems w/her H is similar to yours. Your H may get to the point which he could become "addicted" to sex/porn, Your H's behavior and childish remarks screams insecurity.

I suggested 090806 to "CHANGE HER APPROACH" and I highly recommend you do the same. You may have to be more drastic in the way you approach your H.


The next time he makes a remark about your physical appearance or how you should change, throw it back at him. For instance, say, "Does this mean you will also get a..."

If my H tells me I should get a boob job, my come back would be, "Does this mean you'll also get a penile extension?" Not that either one of us needs or wants to, but telling an insecure male that it hurts when he says things like that won't sink in unless you shove their insecurities in front of a mirror! You already know it doesn't bother him that he hurts you. And if he gets upset, reply calmly with a question, "Feels awful being on that end of the receiving line, doesn't it?" Just leave it at that. Say no more. It needs to sink in.

The next time he childishly turns into a perverted idiot by following a female wearing a thong, try this approach. Get his full attention and say: "You have two options. 1) You can behave like a respectable man who cares and loves his wife so that we can both enjoy each other's company or 2) You can behave like a perverted disrespectful immature married man who has no regards for himself or his wife. And if you prefer choice #2, I will approach that woman and tell her that you've been following her and staring at her butt. Which would your rather be?"

If he says, "What do you mean?" Repeat yourself calmly. If he dares you with #2? Be prepared and have the guts to do it.

My point is CHANGE your approach. Sometimes, the most difficult step to do may end up being the best thing ever.

Good luck.

Stargazelily

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND. BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS"

unhappy,

I'm going to giving you more MB based advice to approach this issue. If your husband lovebusts....I don't think you should lovebust back. Your responses need to be about you, because that's all you really have control over. You can try to control him, but in the end, both of you will just have a great deal of resentment. A well crafted "put down" will feel *extremely* good for only a short time while you put your husband in "his place"....but long term....you become the "thong police", rather than allowing him to make the right choice. In the end, how good will you feel about knowing that he's only giving into your demands, rather than being self-motivated to protect you? It's a rathr hollow victory....and the biggest problem, is that when you aren't around to police him....you won't trust him.

So I'm going to disagree with stargaze's advice (even though I like it!! LOL) just a little. That approach is really trying to "change the direction of the wind" (him) rather than "adjusting *your* sails". So....how can you adjust your sails and still remain true to the direction you hope to go?

Well it seems to me, that the issue of looking at other women is a boundary issue for you....which means its non-negotiable and intolerable. You will never be happy as long as he's going online looking at other women, or ogling them in public. He probably knew this about you before marriage. Since you can't control him.....you have to enforce your boundary. What do you intend to do....you and only you.....if this behavior continues? Will you cry or complain? Will you two fight every time he relapses? My suggestion is to confront this issue in a calm and respectful manner that gives your husband the information he needs to protect you without treating him like a child, giving him an ultimatum, or becoming overemotional. Rather than attacking his character....which is lovebuster....or demanding he change....another lovebuster....please tell him how terribly much it hurts you when XXXX happens and what you intend to do to protect yourself if he will not. If he tells you it's "normal" or that there's something wrong with you (just jealousy)....don't fight about it. Tell him "You might be right. Lots of men look at women online and in public. Many women, don't love their husbands as much as I do, and don't care whether their H's look or aren't as faithful to God's word. But I want more out of my marriage than what's normal or ordinary. I want something extraordinary. I want the man I married, and you're becoming someone else."

Welcome to MB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

unhappy06 - have you had your baby? How long ago? How old are you and your H?

It seems that by unhappy's account of her H, he has crossed unacceptable boundaries even at her urging to stop in ways she would not LB. That approach has NOT worked. Bottom line, she wants her H to stop his disperectful behavior towards her and their M, ie. online chats, claiming he's single and acting like one, staring at other women's butt, etc., to the point that she now has to monitor his online activities. You or any spouse shouldn't have to go through this extent. She's told him how much it hurts her when XXXX, but it has not deter him to change his ways. So she's got two options, 1) she can continue to telling her H how much it hurts her when he XXXX until she's blue while her immature H tries to convince her that what he's doing is "harmless" or 2) "adjust her sails" which is to change her approach completely.

We already know that the "direction of the wind" which is her M being steered towards a rough sea by her H's behavior she will need to adjust her sails (approach) to steer their M towards a different direction. If she doesn't adjust her sails, guess where their M could end up? In the middle of a storm which could lead her H into an A.

I'm going to share my story the same way I did with 090886 on recovery.

My FWH had a 2 yr A w/a previous coworker. Didn't discover MB until a wk after D-day, 2/1/06. Kicked H out on the night of D-day. Called his married buddy that night, exposed the A & told him H would be spending the night w/them. Notice I didn't ask if my H could spend the night w/them. FOW lives an hour away. Had a feeling that if I didn't call his buddy, WH would move in w/her. Did it to reduce that probability. It worked. H lived w/his buddy the entire time.

Implemented plan A on 2/14. Tried to follow MB's principles by not LB. Felt used and degraded the entire time because WH vacilated between two women. It's the having your cake phase for WS. So I put a stop to it.

Kicked in plan B on 3/19. Re-exposed A to H and OW's family and friends by sending copies of OW's deranged, fatal attraction type emails she sent H. It sent shockwaves! As expected, OW went running to WH. He blasted me and I blasted him back with, "If your mistress is going to throw a punch in my direction, she better damn well expect I will punch her back! And when I do, she can't come crying to you, put on her f******* damsel in distress act and expect you to fight her battle against me! So if it's her you want so that you can play Daddy to her two dysfunctional kids with one who is a runaway, there's the f****** door! Go! Get the f*** out of here and go play out your f***ed up fantasy!" Stunned, H was speechless. Was my direct comeback a big LB? Absolutely! But it hit home!

Two weeks later, I asked for a D. The next day, H asked me if I would reconsider and go MC. On Easter, he emailed a NC letter to OW w/CC to me. Four days later, he moved back home. That same week, he booked a cruise to Mexico, our first, and we sailed two weeks later. We've been in MC 5 weeks for once a week. We've changed our approach towards each other. As a result our communication skills have improved and we're better.

Did I really wanted a D? Of course not! But I also decided that I wasn't going to allow WH to hurt me. Once I made that decision, I knew what I DIDN'T want and I aimed for what I wanted and needed.

The one thing I have observed so far with a lot of MB posters is that those who lament and fear creating LB are struggling longer to get passed Plan A or B. Sometimes you just gotta do it or LB.

My point is there will be times when a necessary LB is required and may be your only option in changing the direction of your marriage. And sometimes the greatest risks result in the greatest rewards. Only YOU can decide that.

So, you can either watch the wind direct your marriage by your H's thoughtless behavior to unknown waters OR prep your sails (your approach) and take you marriage where you two can enjoy it.

Good luck.
Stargazelily

stargaze,

It seems that by unhappy's account of her H, he has crossed unacceptable boundaries even at her urging to stop in ways she would not LB.

She has *1* post....and she has not yet discussed what her "approach" has really consisted of. I'd like to try a non-LB approach first. The approach that you suggest is full of love busters and ultimata. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with that advice. Fighting "fire with fire" seems to be a tactic that worked for you (if H asks about a boob job....you ask about penile implants). Again....I like this advice....because it's assertive....at the same time....two wrongs won't make a right and it's definitely not MB based advice....so I'm going to challenge you a bit here.

That approach has NOT worked.

What approach? Her single post is lacking any detail at all about her approach. You're making loads of assumptions.

Bottom line, she wants her H to stop his disperectful behavior towards her and their M, ie. online chats, claiming he's single and acting like one, staring at other women's butt, etc., to the point that she now has to monitor his online activities.

I agree.....but taking your disrespectful approach is not the MB way of doing that.

You or any spouse shouldn't have to go through this extent. She's told him how much it hurts her when XXXX, but it has not deter him to change his ways.

huh? where? You are making assumptions....she doesn't describe at all how she told her husband this bothered her. We have no idea what her style of discussing this is by her single post.

So she's got two options, 1) she can continue to telling her H how much it hurts her when he XXXX until she's blue while her immature H tries to convince her that what he's doing is "harmless" or

You have made all kinds of djs about her husband in your posts....and I'm not sure that's the best way to help her IMO.

2) change her "sails" which is her approach completely.

Changing her sails is about HER....your whole approach is about making HIM change (and making him PAY)....it's full of threats, ultimata, and snappy comebacks. I'm a smart aleck myself....so I kinda like that style....but at the same time....I truly believe that Dr. H's respectful way of dealing with conflict without love busting is far better.

We already know that the "direction of the wind" which is her M being steered towards a rough sea by her H's behavior she will need to adjust her sails (approach) to steer their M towards a different direction. If she doesn't adjust her sails, guess where their M could end up? In the middle of a storm which could lead her H into an A.

She has control over ONE thing.....what SHE does. I'd like her to act rather than REACT. Your suggestions are all reactive and about playing the same game: "Oh yeah buddy....you criticize my boobs....I'll talk about your penis size!"

I'm going to share my story the same way I did with 090886 on recovery.

My FWH had a 2 yr A w/a previous coworker. Didn't discover MB until a wk after D-day, 2/1/06. Kicked H out on the night of D-day. Called his married buddy that night, exposed the A & told him H would be spending the night w/them. Notice I didn't ask if my H could spend the night w/them. FOW lives an hour away. Had a feeling that if I didn't call his buddy, WH would move in w/her. Did it to reduce that probability. It worked. H lived w/his buddy the entire time.

Implemented plan A on 2/14. Tried to follow MB's principles by not LB. Felt used and degraded the entire time because WH vacilated between two women. It's the having your cake phase for WS. So I put a stop to it.

Kicked in plan B on 3/19. Re-exposed A to H and OW's family and friends by sending copies of OW's deranged, fatal attraction type emails she sent H. It sent shockwaves! As expected, OW went running to WH. He blasted me and I blasted him back with, "If your mistress is going to throw a punch in my direction, she better damn well expect I will punch her back! And when I do, she can't come crying to you, put on her f******* damsel in distress act and expect you to fight her battle against me! So if it's her you want so that you can play Daddy to her two dysfunctional kids with one who is a runaway, there's the f****** door! Go! Get the f*** out of here and go play out your f***ed up fantasy!" Stunned, H was speechless. Was my direct comeback a big LB? Absolutely! But it hit home!

I actually think folks stay in Plan A WAY too long around here. I don't facilitate dormatitis AT ALL....but sounds to me like you have your own baggage here and more than a little hostility. Please don't project that anger on anyone else. Looking at swimsuit pictures and following a thong are a little different from having a full blown affair.....besides....it's not your smart answers that made a difference even for you....it was enforcing your boundaries and not allowing him to walk all over you.....I think this poster should do the SAME thing....just not in such a hostile way. You confuse assertiveness with love busting....the former is possible without the latter....and it IS the MB way.

Two weeks later, I asked for a D. The next day, H asked me if I would reconsider and go MC. On Easter, he emailed a NC letter to OW w/CC to me. Four days later, he moved back home. That same week, he booked a cruise to Mexico, our first, and we sailed two weeks later. We've been in MC 5 weeks for once a week. We've changed our approach towards each other. As a result our communication skills have improved and we're better.

And you think the lovebusting did that? Or the assertiveness?

The one thing I have observed so far with a lot MB posters is that those who laments and fear creating LB are struggling longer to get passed Plan A or B. Sometimes you just gotta do it or LB.

You're a hardliner....I respect that. But I did everything you did....without losing my temper, without lovebusting, and without becoming as crass as my wayward spouse. In fact, I did it twice. How did I do it without love busting? Well, I was unwilling to remain married to someone who treated me poorly. I over came fear. I just didn't need to be witty or nasty to do that. I just had to be determined and strong.

My point is there will be times when a necessary LB is required and may be your only option in changing the direction of your marriage. And sometimes the greatest risks result in the greatest rewards. Only YOU can decide that.

We'll have to agree to disagree.....and you're definitely in disagreement with the good doctor. I COMPLETELY agree with RISK!!!....but I took great risks, made no compromises on my true boundaries.....and didn't use the tactics you describe.

So, you can either watch the wind direct your marriage by your H's thoughtless behavior to unknown waters OR prep your sails (your approach) and take you marriage where you two can enjoy it.

The best way to steer is with ethical leadership and courage above fear....not love busters.

I actually do no think our thoughts are really very far apart....just our approach. Isn't the whole point of a forum to get different viewpoints. Don't assume everyone will agree with you....I know my advice is often different from others.

It's not personal....it's MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Her post:

You "assume" I'm a hardliner. I usually don't cuss. I only assumed that position when my "non-LB" method did not work. Thus, had to make adjustments. Did I lose my temper? Absolutely! We all do. If not on our S, it's some stranger on a freeway, or whatever.

Everyone is different. You assumed your method strictly based on what the doc says. I assumed my position partially on how/what I know of my H, how events of the A evolved and unraveled, and what I've read on MB. I didn't consult Dr H nor have I obtained copies of his books. People's posts helped immensely.

My point is that unhappy needs to figure out how to deal with her H or what approach to implement. Only she can figure that out. She's the only one who knows her H best.

As for you and I, we will probably continue to make "adjustments" to our sails (M) regardless what method/approach we use. There is no right and wrong approach. The only wrong answer is to NOT do anything and expect things to change. Once we arrive where we need to be and should be, we do our best to NOT LB.