To LA..
Your input is highly valued. Although I am set on the stated course for the present, I would appreciate any encouragement, or criticism.
I am hoping the Affair may die before the end of the year.

Oh, well, life grinds on! WW spent Friday, Saturday and last night away. She will return sometime this morning.
DD seems fine, got herself ready for school.

I told WW was with her boyfriend as she does'nt love dad any more. But I said both she and dad love DD.

Its obviously getting to 18 year old son. But he is very mature and sensible and his own loving relationship with a beautiful young girl.

He has phoned and text/d WW at night telling her to come home ...and that he has had enough of it.

WW asked me yesterday to have a quiet word with him to stop it or she would leave!!
So, I asked him to leave it for a while...and said I would let him know when he could resume the "activity".. but for the moment I wished things to continue quietly. But I told him that he had done well and I was very pleased with he had done.

I feel bettr in myself as feel I am getting a little more indifferent to WW.

IMO that was a very bad move. You have now shown your WW that she can always use that threat of leaving against you to continue her cake-eating. Expect it now to be used every time you show a bit of "backbone".

I think you should have told her that, if she wanted her son to stop, then she should speak directly to him about it.

MIM,
Yes, I did make an error.
But I am not worried re the threat of leaving...or more such threats.
But I will suggest to WW that she should also have a word with him.

I'm here, Nagrom...been having home computer problems...so not here, uhm, either.

I hate 'puter problems.

I'm with MIM...If WW says you make him stop or I'll leave, listen and repeat, "I hear you don't like your son telling you to stop your A, is that correct? You're choosing to do this. You are choosing not to speak to your son about it. You can choose to leave."

Do not do for her what she can do for herself...which is everything. She's equal to you.

"she knows she is hurting me but can't help it."

Here's the reality dose to get...yes, A's are addictive...does that negate her choice? No. See, addicts choose their drug...not against their will...greatly affects their perspective...then again, addicts don't know they have all this power they are throwing away...that they choose their perspective, perception, beliefs, thoughts...they have a mindset that life happens to them...

Keep that rule in your head..."I will not do or say anything for my WW...I am a respectful human being."

I want you to consider exposing to OM's W...ex or otherwise...because you do not know (though you may believe you know) the status of their marriage/non-marriage...and they may be separated...truth matters. Can you do this?

Now, as to what you said to your DD10...did you say WW didn't love you anymore to DD10? I am not sure what I read or who you said it to...

And BryanP has an excellent point...do not get in the way of your WW's consequences of her choices...you can't prevent her choices...you can mess up her consequences (such as facing her son, DD10, etc.)

Separate and equal...respect the human who is the addict...yes, your compassion is there because you can see the drug's compulsion...and no, remember she is choosing to not get help to stop the addiction; her choices remain her own. She is choosing this as her drug...

Did you see your WW's mindset? She used her leaving as a threat...please understand this...she believes she is sacrificing by staying with her family...do not believe this, please, Nagrom...Plan A is about being authentic and respectful...not a hostage to a WS...emphasize choice...she is choosing to stay...no threats, manipulation or terrorizing will work..."I am confused, WW. You are choosing to stay without choosing your family. You're choosing OM. It's confusing for me and the children."

O&H...openness and honesty. Sharing self matters. Not manipulation...no more of that...sharing truth.

Understand this isn't a war unless you choose that mindset...this is you becoming aware of your totality and hers...when it was blurred, before, entwined. Look inward, Nagrom...

LA

lLA,
Thanks...occasional contact with you and others, however brief, is much appreciated at this time.

There was a slight misunderstanding at home as WW had in fact spoken to son before asking me to have a word with him.
If I need to put pressure on WW to leave in due course, this could be a weapon!?>

OM's ex-partner went some time back. But I will consider tracking her down for a chat. I know OM owes her about £500,000 from months ago as her share in sold property...and I reckon he may have spent a lot of it!.

cont/d...
I told DD12 that WW does not love me any more and she has a boyfriend which is why she is away so much.
But told her that WW and I both love DD very much.
DD seems to accept all this quite well. But there has been a lot of stress between WW and DD, and DD is happier at present with me.
When tempers flare between WW and DD, I calm the situation down asap. And I know this something WW appreciates.

"WW is choosing to stay"... Yes, it is her choice, and I have not asked her once.
In fact she has twice almost begged me to let her stay, and not sell the house.

Although by now I feel I fully understand the workings of an Affair...including ours...I still find it very confusing.
Why am I completely sidelined while WW is perhaps only seeing OM about 3 times a week...although those mtgs are probably very intense!.
I have to keep thinking it through.

Although I can see no end to it and WW's "romance" seems as strong as ever, occasionally things are said that infer WW does not expect the Affair to go on indefinitely.
In fact when WW was talking to son and asked him to stop phoning and texting her, she said the Affair may well be over in a few months.
Still I suppose one can read different things into such comments.

WW and I agreed the other day to be open and honest with other.....whether this will work I don't know.
After all I still have soon to (SECRETLY) safeguard my finances...already part done...and obtain some preliminary legal advice.

(Copied from Tangled's recent post)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

"In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations."

I believe you are doing damage to yourself and your family by trying to accomodate an openly-adulterous W.

Latest advice from several does appear I should move to Plan B asap.
I still wonder...in my particular circumstance...whether it is the right thing to do.
Nonetheless, I am preparing for it.

Continuing Plan A is stressful....but also more stressful is present indecision!!

Have made appointments with Bank and lawyer for next Monday. Earliest possible dates for either.

So, I should be all set up for making appropriate decisions and should know where I stand financially, with accounts protected as far as possible. But all very complicated!

I am sure I may not find it easy to "evict" WW, but at least I will have made my point. Will get son to ring her in the middle of the night if necessary!!?.

Unfortunately I think going to Plan B just yet may hasten permanent separation and will keep you posted on this next week.
Many thanks all for your continued advice.

I believe that there is a good chance that what you are planning to do will destroy her affair. When she can no longer be a cake eater and start suffering the consequences to her blantant affair; the stress will manifest itself to such a degree that the affair will implode. I am happy to see you take such a proactive approach. I wish you luck.

Bry.. thanks for your support. I hope you are right. I think whatever happens it should help me mentally.

Just need to check any legal problems on Monday.

Nagrom...

My home computer is still on the fritz, so I am not on as much...only from work.

Still with you, thoughts and prayers, Nagrom.

I agree with MIM and Bryan...in my case, WH lived in the home, saw OW at work, yet had at least stopped seeing her socially when he moved back in...and was deciding to either end the marriage or commit to seeing if it was salvageable...so he was not actively going to her place under my nose...I experienced that for two months and it is torture. I was fogged in my own brain then...you're not.

When you check on your financial standing, ask about Restraining Orders or what the UK has for cruel and unusual punishment...about her having to move out as long as she is having an affair...forcing her to separate...and you not funding the affair.

Now why did you tell DD12 your WW didn't love you anymore?

Where does that come from?

You said you know WW does love you...

What's up?

LA

I will bear your advice in mind when I see my lawyer.

I suppose I find it difficult to see any love there when WW is so cruel and offhand.

I no longer hold with proving someone else's love for you...either you choose to believe you are loved or not.

Measuring what cannot be measured is a fantasy activity in my book...devastating to a child to believe people stop loving, especially their parents...to a child, that means they are at risk for having their parents love for them evaporate...no manner of words can dispell or dissuade that fear. Logic. Because you're looking for proof of love, so will your daughter. Looking for proof her mother loves her father...her siblings love each other; and proving her love to others may consume her life.

We can act unkind...does that mean we are unkind?
We can act unthinkingly...does that mean we can't think?
We can act unlovingly...does that mean we do not love...or do not choose to act our love?

What brands our lives, Nagrom, are such times and beliefs...like saying someone is a cheater...they ARE one...not that they are cheating...it is the chasm between making a mistake and being one.

LA

LA,
Probly not the best thing to have said to DD, but may have explained WW's behaviour to her.

LA,
Sometimes I have to re-read and read your posts again laterto fully understand points you make, but your messages are a great help and make much sense.

You said recently..."yes, "A" s are addictive..does that negate her choice"..."their drug - not against their will ..etc.."

I can understand that but surely they are drawn into the Affair before they realise its too late to turn back...and are then addicted?.
They then appear to have no choice but to stay in the Affair..no easy escape?.
And my WW at present does not want, or cannot, stop the addiction.

Again split post to avoid loss!


I would add that I have been re-reading relevant extracts from the Forum and now fully realise..thanks also to advice...that the time has definitely come / overdue for Plan B.
I hope I will better know how to approach the matter after legal consultations on Monday...but hope I can put WW's eviction into action immediately. She really is finding it too cosy here.

P.S...LA,
Hope your home computer problem soon sorted. I have had enough similar problems myself...though not just recently, thank goodness!.