More thoughts re STD's.
BS's are encouraged to ensure the WS is tested for STDs if there is a return to the marriage.
But what then usually happens if the tests prove positive and the STD is an incurable one such as, apparently, Genital Herpes?
The BS will always be at risk of contracting it?.

Good grief Nagrom,

This just keeps getting worse and worse. It certainly sounds like from your description that she probably contacted some STD. It is amazing if true that she now has an STD from this OM; that still she is pining away for him to leave his new woman. Honestly I would think that if this is indeed the case then she is really mentally unbalanced and is taking her life toward total self-destruction. This is so very pathetic and sad.

Yes Bp,
If I am correct in my assessment...and certainly evidence points to my being right.....it IS very sad.

It MIGHT also help to explain why she has recently separated from the family in the way she has?.

Are you able to answer my question as to whether marriages ever recover...from your observations on this site for example...when the WS is found to have an incurable STD?.

Yes, Nagrom...

There have been people here who have gone through this...and recovered. You can search out their threads.

What I want to know is your choice...not hers. If she does have this, do you want her back?

You go into her stuff to divine what you cannot...and I don't hear you. If she has this, are you willing to contract it, too?

And about her reasons...does it console you to guess this might be part of her motivation? Does it change she left her marriage, her family? And how often do we do anything for just one reason?

LA

Hello again,

I would think that marriages can recover from almost anything. It is possible that having an incurable STD might be the one element that would kick the WS out of the fog and work hard for forgiveness from the BS. The WS may see the BS as the only person who has truly loved her and has proven it time and again. In your case your wife's still strong desire for this OM who gave her this STD is almost simply beyond comprehension. It may be that the fact that she has invested so much in him; and even though he has dumped her and given her an STD that she still will not face reality. She has destroyed her marriage and most of her relationship with her children and family and for what? A lover who uses her, gives her an STD, and dumps her for another woman. I am afraid unless she willing to see what she has done and humbles herself then her path to self-destruction will be unstoppable. I am not sure if it is not already too late. I wish you luck my friend.

Have just heard from a reliable source that WW's affair with the same OM is on again...more than the continuing friendship she spoke of. I assume the PA therefore has resumed, and apparently a few weeks ago.
So, one of my suspicions re her wanting the flat urgently appears to have been confirmed.
Last night we had the family meal out. WW was there and a pleasant time was had by all.
I also hear she has been posting Christmas cards from..WW, S18 and DD12 !!
My cards are from Me, S18 and DD12 !!...as they were deserted by WW and are living with me!.

Am seeing the solicitor next for advice and must then decide what to do.

p.s...forgot to mention that OM has not dumped the other woman who lives all, or at least some of the time, at his hostelry. So, therefore has at least 2 on the go at present.And might still be making use of his Canadian waitress.
Whether OW knows that the affair with my WW has resumed I don't know.

Nagrom,

Are you getting all the ways you buy into her fantasy? All your choices which add to her fantasy and betray you?

You remain more into her stuff and self-deception and I don't see where you acknowledge it feeds your own.

Had a pleasnat time by all...when souls were being shredded, reality ignored and distorted...ouch.

Reality is that your WW is lost and you're unwilling to be a lighthouse...you're looking to judge and know what you cannot and feed your own self-deception. Her choices are deplorable to herself and your family...an enemy of your marriage right now. And you stand by and choose to waiver, wonder and not act.

If this were a stranger coming into your home and holding your children at knife-point, would you do the same?

WW is not wife...and she's your stranger, whom you're treating as if she's an invited guess...and her knife is real. It's at your throat, too.

Plan B acknowledges reality...cuts off all ENs from being met, states that your WW is an enemy of your marriage and gives you ground to stand on for your marriage, for your real wife. You haven't chosen it. You continue to aid in the attack on your marriage by not living from values but from pretending.

You report her stuff...and none of your own. Her stuff is solace for you, it seems to me. Her actions and focus on them negate your need to examine your own. You describe all the offense and none of the defense. What do you stand for, Nagrom?

Your WW getting the flat was a betrayal to the marriage...and you aided her. Instead of stating her choices, the reality of them, you acquiesced, hushed and did not bring reality and truth. Now you're steeping in it. Please remove yourself from her chaos and stabbing choices and look to your own...all of them on the inside.

You are teaching your children to pretend...and they will go down this same path, Nagrom, as your legacy. Act as if your WW is their mother, enfold an enemy of their family...and they will do that with other attackers. They will invite them in and pretend they are not being harmed.

When they are.

And not see their choice...live in victimhood. Because their father showed them this...instead of him leading the way in light...shining with truth, respect and ownership.

Please, Nagrom, change your path to stop being reactive and begin living from action. Get to all your stuff and own it. Live in it. Be free and see others as free, because they are. Boundaries and standards...must match.

You cannot expect your wife to wake up if you will not. For her to live aware of her consequences if you do not. If you choose to live pleasant as a value, make it a boundary to be maintained, then that is the life you will lead...and lead your children through...if it isn't pleasant, it's bad. Conflict avoidance is truth avoidance.

LA

As accepted by WW we have had no direct contact since December 26th. It was a mistake for me to say the Christmas Day event was "pleasant". I meant that it went amicably and was really for the benefit of the children. I was rather depressed after as I had expected. WW had clearly been in a hurry to leave...though she denied it!!.
So "my plan B " is ongoing.
As I had said she would / could not have left without my paying her rent. ( Note that Jon in SAA helped Sue move and financially).

contd...
............My concern now is that of my £100,000 invested £30,00 was transferred to my WW's name about 3 years ago for better interest and tax advantages..(in retrospect a mistake!).

She now has no account with my bank and probably does not realise she could access and use this money. I do not think it has yet been touched as the interest still appears to be going into my account.

My next step soon is to consider requesting my lawyer to write to her to sign an agreement that she will not access these investmrents.
If she does not agree then my (present) intention will be to commence divorce proceedings straightaway.
My lawyer did say that my paying maintenance in the form of rent would go down well with the court.
I may well stay on the present course though for some while.

LA, MIM and BP etc.....I always read and re-aread all you say, even if I appear not to always follow advice....but it has all been helpful to me.

Going back to previous posts.. LA, you asked.."would you consider that this divorce is your final boundary statement, so you can take a lot of self respect in your choice?"... my answer, YES.
But I do feel a divorce will be the absolute end of our marriage.
I do love the woman who was "W" and at the moment am continuing my Plan B.
LA, your comment back in November.."its nowhere over, your saving your marriage", and the later comment reminding me that Plan B can be up to 18 months, helps me hold back from divorce.,...........

...............

....
......
DD22 knows I still love her mum (WW) and I would like a recociliation one day, but she feels my "no contact" is pusshing her away for ever.
WW shows no interest in the children, or indeed any aspect of the marriage. DS18 still does not want to see her; he has taken it all very badly.
D12 rang WW yesterday to ask to stay a night, but WW fobbed her off saying come up for a while on Sunday morning.

I spoke to WWs sister yesterday. She said she seen WW for a short while at Christmas and WW said very little about this saga. But she did say..."I am now happy to be on my own and independant".

I have assumed that WW wanted the flat (not easy to find round here) so that she could try and continue a close liason with OM.
Their affair "ended!" when OM took the other woman back and she then lived in his hostelry.
I then forsaw that OM would get caught out sneeking off to WW's flat and the other woman would leave him yet again. You cannot get away with this sort of thing in this village!.
So that's exactly what has happened. The other woman has left him for about the 5th time and WW now has him to herself (for now!...apart from anyone else he's shxxxxxg!)..just as she had hoped.
That's it for now...watch this space.

Yet you aided her in getting the flat???

My advice: Please do the Plan B the **right** way. Cut your ties with your WW, including the financial ones. You should not be sponsoring any part of her fantasy. Among other things, Plan B is about preserving what love you have left for her, not taking part in its destruction.

I'm watching this space, Nagrom. It's a bit of a slow plot.

LOL

I'm ready for the next chapter.

How is your Plan B going? How are you feeling, what are you thinking?...you know the routine, sir.

LA

Its good to hear from you LA as I noticed you did not appear to have been doing much posting recently.
Yes...a slow plot!! But probably to be expected now?.

I will give an update shortly.

Good to hear from you nagrom.

I am hoping that all is well with you and your DD's

I look forward to your update...and smiling 'cuz you checked in...

LA

Ii had not seen WW since Christmas Day, though her flat is only 5 minutes walk away.
She had not made direct contact as agreed. But on Jan 20th she asked DD22 to ask me to ring her as she needed a letter from me to forward to the Local Council confirming I pay the rent. WW is out of work for a while and hopes the Council will pay the rent instead of me.I spoke to her very briefly.

She often sees DD22 who is acting as liason and very occasionally looks after one of DD21s children.
I look after them far more often.

She shows little interest in the children still with me..DD12 and DS18. dd12 seems quite happy although I feel the situation is having some negative effect on her. She enjoys being with me and DS18 in our "home". But she does miss her mum sometimes.
She rang WW in December and was allowed to stay the night.
She rang WW again in Jan and was allowed to see her for a late Sunday lunch..very short visit and was sent home after lunch.
She rang again on Jan 29th to stay the night but told ...No...as she is too restless!!....and WW too busy to see during the next week.
...to continue...

............

However she had second thoughts later...perhaps realised DD12 was upset...and allowed her to visit for half an hour on the Tuesday....a very short visit as WW was tired after visiting the dentist due to an absess, which apparently cost her £300. (Her teeth look nice but have cost me a fortune over the years).
As it was a short visit WW let DD12 have another (short) visit last night as well.

DD12 told me she asked her mum who owns WW's beloved cat now..?. WW replied something to the effect that.."I suppose he's yours now!". DD12 is very pleased with this.

WW arranged for DD22 to let her into the house this morning to fetch some clothes.I made sure I was out of the way riding!.

I have transferred ownership of the car to WW so that, apart from the insurance, which expires in Sept, it is now her sole responsibility.

I will probably never know the true facts about WWs hospital (STD Dept.)visits and tests unless we one day reconcile. So do not know whether she has an incurable STD.