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Joined: Feb 2006
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PaulD Offline OP
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I've posted many times on this forum to try and save my marriage. So many of you have been very gracious to me. You can read more about my situation at the following link...it is a long one, HERE IS THE LINK

Anyway, I talked with my wife last week to finalize things we want to split, etc. Mainly we worked on finances for now. The weird thing is, she still cries about actually doing the divorce. I even told her a few times, "Do you really want to do this?" And she would hesitate with a sad look, then either say yes or change the subject. I was as kind as I could be.

Even yesterday we talked for a bit on the phone, and we joked and laughed about things going on in our lives. It was a brief conversation.

Honestly, I don't think my wife realizes the reality of a true divorce. Many have said it is MUCH easier to work on a marriage than to divorce. I think she just thinks I will be around. She even said, the reason she has dragged her feet on the divorce is because she doesnt' want to lose me as a best friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But I did tell her, I am going to move out of this town (25 minutes away) and I will be friendly towards her, but we can't just "hang out" as friends. I told her, put herself in my situation and think how hard that would be when you are still in favor of marriage and in love with the other person. I think she understood.

Anyway, I'm feeling SO LOW right now...and so sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We haven't even "officially" divorced yet and I'm so down. I do feel in my gut it is really over.

The things I'm feeling right now...

*Loneliness
*Sex drive is high, and I really miss the intimacy (I think the reason it is high is because I need something to make me feel "good" right now).
*Our great friendship going to be gone
*Not only divorcing, but moving to a new town
*Anxiety, low self-esteem
*Not optimistic about future
*Sadness of cooking and eating alone
*Sadness of going to bed and waking without her
*Laughing with my wife, I miss that

God, there is no doubt this is THE most painful time in my life. I thought the 30's would be the best times in my life...married, have trips, start a family, etc. I just turned 31 and it just saddens me to the core about what I'm losing.

Thanks for listening to me. Just really down and lonely right now, and needed to vent.

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Paul,

You are me 2 years ago (exactly!). But, things get better. The hurt, depression, lonliness, anxiety all subside over time. Time does heal...

Keith

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PaulD Offline OP
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Hi BHINWI,

Wow, it must of been even harder for you seeing you were married for so long.

It is just SO hard when you still love the other person and they say they love and care about you still...but still want a divorce.

Today I went to Target to get a few things. I felt so alone. I remember going shopping with my wife there and we always had fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I left and just felt so empty inside.

It is like my life went from full blown color to black-and-white.

I know everyone says it just takes time and to go through the emotions, but it is just so hard to be patient and optimistic when your world has just been ripped apart.

Thanks for posting...

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Paul,

Goddess, I know exactly how you feel. I was there about 7 years ago. It hurt so dang bad. Divorce isn't easy. It isn't fun. I know the pain of betrayal, and the pain of letting go of something that just isn't working. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, one bad post has put me in a bad light on this site, but honestly, I don't want anyone to go through the ****** I've been through. Sometimes it just turns out that way, you know?

I will light a candle for you and say a prayer.

Blessings,
Lirekal

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PaulD,

at this point, you have to let her go. She does not trust that you will get better AND STAY better. . . that's her perogative. . . she gets to choose with whom she wants to stay married. . .

As far as you are concerned, continue to work on yourself, realizing that not overcoming your bad habits or deficiencies, will only make any other relationship more tentative than not. . .

Her reaction is basically saying that you are a nice guy, but not the nice guy that she married, and you showed her another side that she didn't know existed. Therefore, she feels betrayed by you for turning into someone that she DIDN'T marry. . .

sorry bud, straight shooting, . . time to learn independence and work on yourself. . .and stop picking at your scab so that it may heal.

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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You know, Paul, we have all been in that terribly painful place and it seems that everything you do brings back memories of how you did it together. One thing I found to be very helpful it to start a list of things that I could do to change behaviors so that my life wasn't constantly a reminder of what used to be. Examples:

If you were in the habit of watching the evening news together and then going to bed, watch the evening news IN BED and then go to sleep.

If you exercised together first thing in the morning, then exercise in the evening.

Avoid - to the extent you can - places that bring back memories. Change shopping habits, dining habits, anything you can control. In essence, create a new lifestyle.

Trust me, it's difficult. But it helps.


Married '85
Me: BS
D-Day 7/02
Plan B 5/03, 7/03
Numerous False Recoveries
I filed 2/06
Divorce Final 4/30/07
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Paul,

Have the pity party, let yourself go, party hardy!!!!!! But all parties must end and at the end you will be ready to let go and move on!!!!!!

The pity party has to be had, but you can't stay indefinately!!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Paul -

I feel you, man. I was/am in the same boat.

Just as you think you have reached the crest of the hill, and your lives will be at their peaks...it all is torn from you.

Like BHINWI said, give it some time. Cry when you need to. Exercise like a madman. Sit alone and think. Drive to the country and sit on a park bench somewhere and read. Take a vacation by yourself to a place you have never been...just to get away.

You need to get back to "you" - you can no longer be "us".

It is a hard transition, to be sure. But you can do it, with time and effort...


Stay strong...


TM


BH (Me) 32, WW 38 no kids been together 14.5 yrs. married 9 D-day 12/5/04 D final 11/23/05, she got it all...I just wanted out. Done with her...selfishness is not a virtue
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PaulD Offline OP
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I'm trying to go running quite a bit. I've always loved running but am doing it more now.

It's just amazing how fast life can change. I didn't want this divorce at all, yet my wife does. It is just so hard to let something go that you love.

Going back to be just "me" instead of "us" is so hard. Just starting ALL over again seems so hard. I was so happy after I got marreid that I would never have to date again, etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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Paul D, remember this is a MB website, not D building. Read all that you can and learn. I did quick brief and realize your wife is involved with another man, call it a EA if you want but she is definitely there and it very well could be physical. I did very nearly the same thing as you with but did not expose quick enough. If you really want to save this M then expose this to all concerned and be ready for the fallout and anger from her end but blow it off and continue on your path and focus on exercise and building a new you. If she truly wants to save the M she will to break out of her withdrawl.

My situation was much worse and we ended up reconciling after a very painful 5 month separation where my wife moved 1800 miles away. I now know this was always in God's plan as I have found Him once again. Am I one of the lucky ones? Not really, not a day goes by that I do not recall those painful memories. However, the girl I once knew is back.
It does take 2 to work on it and it can happen. But begin by focusing on you and not her or your M.

Read up on the 180 and minimize your contact with her as much as possible. Read Plan A and B and decide for yourself what you really want to do.

Best of luck.


Me-BS, 41/She-WS, 37. 9 Month A. D-Day: 10/11/03. Biggest Mistake: Did not expose quick enough. Exposed A 5/13/04, filed for D 6/14/04. WS canceled D 12/21/04. Been to ****** and Back. Now know I will be in Heaven after this Life.
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Paul - I sympathize with your situation and at the very least assure you that if you part amicably, as it seems, then you will avoid unbearable stress.

One way to deal with your feelings is to start with small steps and do the things that you like to do. I found that a first good step was to better my health. I started running, bicycling, swimming, and weight-lifting. I hadn't done these for over 2 years while the divorce was going on. I also increased the fruits and vegetables in my diet.

I felt many of the things you mentioned - hopelessness, despair, no outlook on the future, forgetfulness etc. I mentioned this to my doctor, and he prescribed a low dosage (12 mg Paxil) anti-depressant. After 4 weeks, I was a changed person. My mind was sharp, I was optimistic, and my sentivity to others' feelings returned. I discontinued it after 6 months because I no longer needed it.

I don't want to make this a very long posting, but therapy wasn't helping to rid me of my depression.

Hang in there and keep a close watch on changes in your appetite, thoughts, and feelings. An amicable divorce can become nasty once the lawyers are involved.

Take care ...


Regards, vegman
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Paul,

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I am so depressed over my situation. I love my husband. I just wish he was a man of integrity and faithful. He has had two affairs and I just found out in February about the affair he had twelve years ago. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. Our divorce should be final in a few weeks. We've been married for 18 years. I can really relate to the lonliness. I feel so vunerable right now. I don't want to do anything I would regret, but you get so lonely that anyone to talk to and care and hold you would make you feel better. I have never loved anyone else but him, I've never been (had sex) with anyone else but him. It helped me to read what you had posted and to know that what I am feeling is probably normal. I miss him so bad. I am just so lonely. I wish you the best and hopefully what they say is true, that time heals. Good luck.

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This is my first post.
My wife announced that "I am so finished with you" sometime late April or early May and without any interim delay she was involved with another man - a co-worker whom she has known for several years. As I write this, she is spending the night at his home and going to work from there in the morning. We are not yet divorced. I text messaged her about committing adultery and a little later she called me and informed me that this type of communication is what she wanted me to stop when she petitioned the court for an order of Protection and was granted one. I am enjoined from any 'harrassment''following''stalking''physical restraint' etc. but otherwise am not in any way retricted as to seeing her - we live very close since I took an apartment in the next building from the one we cohabited. She has made no effort to initiate divorce proceedings and neither have I since I don't want a divorce.
We have a 15 year old who clearly cannot make sense of this state of affairs (no pun intended) I sometimes have a very difficult time holding onto a rational state of mind. I have to be careful what I think about and how long I dwell on the matter.
We have been married 16 years and she seems to have no regard for the time invested. She has no difficulty discussing the other man but is unable to give me any type of closure to our 16 years. She was verbally abusive from the beginning of our marriage but can't seem to recall much of this. It is not impossible to think I could have a nervous breakdown. I have been reading Marriage Builders nearly all evening. One reaction I have had is to conclude it's hopeless. Another is to attempt to persuade her to postpone the divorce until it becomes more clear where her new relationship is headed. --this option seems like a death sentence for all concerned though since I don't know how I would react were I to see 'him' face-to-face. I can tell you I don't have a problem fantacizing about the things I'd like to do to him. Frankly, I feel liked a caged animal. I haven't slept the past two nights and this night doesn't look much better. I sleep an hour here and 15 minutes there and that is getting old fast. It will probably have to run its course because I can't compete with elements in the other man's circumstances as they simply don't exist in mine. I am angry. I repress it. It bubbles up. I have dark thoughts and moments where I see hope -if not for our marriage, for me without her in my life. This is not easy and I don't yet know the outcome. I will end now. I am tired of the subject. Thank you for listening.

Last edited by ItCouldHappen; 06/10/06 12:15 AM.
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It Could Happen,
It is great that you are reading the MB site. That is a great place to start. You might want to place your own post on the General Questions II board. What you are going through is something many, many of us have experienced. You will get lots of help on that board. In the meantime, keep reading, and praying.
I will look for your post.
KK


Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).

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PaulD Offline OP
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I see that the check cleared the bank today that my wife paid to the divorce lawyer today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> God, the closer it gets, the harder it is getting for me. It is so hard to love and care for someone so much, and yet...they don't want to be with you anymore. Such rejection and a blow to self-esteem.

I don't see how I'm going to get through all of this. It just pains me to have to "start from scratch" again with my life and love. I was so relieved to find my love and not have to be single again or even go through marriage again. I guess God has other plans for me...right now, I'm just having a really hard time trusting in him.

Divorce has got to be the most painful thing next to death.

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Thank you for the encouragement. It has become a little easier. I have found for me it helps to cry when necessary. - I don't care where I am at the time either...
I simply face away from others and let the tears flow. Personally, I have chosen to continue loving her despite what she has done. This is good for me as all that I do with repect to her will then be for her good rather than to wish ill upon her. I believe I need to treat her as I would had this never occurred.
A couple days ago I asked her to take a walk with me and after a few superficial remarks, I began my usual search for answers to the many questions I have...hoping to obtain closure to this 16 year hitch. Again, it proved pointless. She only justifies her position, her decision, the OM, etc. and I wind up becoming frustrated and angry all over again. After I got 'home', I rehashed and stirred and rehashed and finally decided I'd have to formulate my own closure. I let her know this via a text message as well as to say I would work on forgiving her for all the abuse throughout the marriage and asked that she forgive me for giving up. That is that. I still find I need to cry now and again. But I will make my own ending to this such that I can carry on with my life. In some respects I feel sorry for her. Having me gone doesn't seem to be the source of contentment she was expecting. It appears she is constantly on the move trying to find fulfillment of one kind or another. Well, all that is her life to deal with now. Loving someone who has done what she has done is very contrary to what most people I know think should be my response. But in the long view it will prove to be the correct one I believe.

Last edited by ItCouldHappen; 06/15/06 04:51 PM.

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