I've posted on this site many times about trying to save my marriage, but it is going to end in divorce. Once the divorce is filed and we sell our house, I've got several options of what I should do.

Which option do you think would be best in your opinion? Take into consideration I'm more introverted, quiet, and have some social and general anxiety issues I face on top of dealing with this divorce. I'm also not the best at living alone which I know I need to learn how to do.

I'm planning on moving possibly, I can either...

1. Stay in my current town: I only have a few friends here, but not much else is going on as far as opportunity. Plus, I have our history of marriage here and the possiblity of running into my ex and her family and friends.

2. Move 20 minutes away to a cool college town: This town is a bit smaller but full of activity, lots more people my age, lots of culture and things going on, and has a big university. Neat town. It just scares me to move because I don't handle moving very well PLUS on top of that I would be dealing with the aftermath of the divorce and not know anyone.

3. Move back to my hometown: My hometown is only 7000 people. But it is a comfort zone with my parents there and some other family. Little to no opportunities there...but it sounds very appealing to be around family and get back on my feet. Only fear is that if I go back, I may never leave or it might make the jump to move again even harder.


As far as work goes, I work online so I can go anywhere. Unfortunately, the last 3 months or so I haven't been able to really focus and work online due to our separtion, etc. So getting that on track is important and VERY hard. It is hard to be creative and build websites and take risks when your life is in such a mess.

So, seeing things from your side, what would you recommend?

I assume there are no children so that is not an issue. No one can decide for you, but here are some questions to think about.

* Are you wanting to move to avoid dealing with the pain? If so, a move might be only a temporary fix and actually delay recovery. Those issues will still be there until you deal with them. If a move will help you be more proactive in recovery, it might be good.
* College town may be fun, but will you be tempted into a rebound relationship or unhealthy partying?
* Could you sign a short-term lease in hometown so that you would be forced to reavaluate situation in a few months? Would family help in recovery or be a crutch?

Also, if there is any chance of reconciliation don't give up or you may regret it later. D is much harder than working on M. I think we all have a breaking point of no return, but do everything you can until you reach that point.

What do you mean you don't deal well with moving? Think positively. If you can work from anywhere, what do you mean about limited opportunities? Are you talking romantic opportunities? Social? Cultural? All of the above?

No we don't have kids, so we are lucky in that regard. As far as reconciliation, it just isn't happening. I could go into more detail, but she just wants out after having close to 4 months of separation time and efforts on my part to work with her. She is just stuck in the mentality that her feelings are "gone" and that she has just "grown apart".

I guess moving to me is a fresh start. The college town has a diverse group of people there of all ages and interests and seems more suited to me than my current town. I think the move would be more proactive in my recovery, but also, to be honest...I'm not crazy about the possibility of running into her family or friends if I stay here and also there seems to be very little things to do here.

Even friends and my therapist highly suggest the college town because of what it offers vs. my current town.

When I talk about opportunites, I'm speaking of mainly social opportunities and things that I can do that involve people much more than my current town. Now like I said, I'm more introverted, but the college town seems to offer many more things to do that might help me make more friends...like yoga, the arts, etc. Sure, if that leads to romance, great. But for now, I think building friendships is key.

I hope that makes things more clear...

Unless you are forced via divorce settlement to sell the house, I would encourage you to wait a bit before considering your options. You know that moving and changes in a personal relationship are high on the list of stress inducers? Along with job change, and more.

I don't think that adding a stress factor to your life when you are already facing one (divorce) is a good idea. But it may not be an option for you.

That being said, if I were the one facing this decision, I would opt for #2. I would seek a life option that would provide me with the opportunity to interact with other human beings...not for the romantic prospects, but for the cultural and purely social.

Someone I know from another message board is moving to what is described as a "Lifestyle Community" - cobblestone streets, old time approach to mixing retail and residential. And they have live, free concerts on the lawns weekly or so, book signings, etc. - and all within walking distance of the homes of most residents.

Now, to me, that has great appeal.

Paul...just take your time on this decision, OK?

I'm still having a hard time figuring out what to do. I'm starting to think although the college town has opportunity, it may not be what I need right now.

I'm facing divorce and really bad anxiety. I'm thinking that a move would only add to that. I think what I need right now is comfort, support and stability.

That narrows down my choices to staying in the same town I'm in with the handful of friends I do have and a Divorce Care group. But the downside is, I don't like the idea of running into my soon-to-be ex, her family, or friends. Nothing against them, it will just be hard. Also, staying in this town just reminds me of us and our marriage.

The last choice would be moving back to my small howm town of 7000 people. It was where I was born. Not much to do there, but my parents live there. I'm afraid I may eventually grow bored or feel like I'm going "backwards" with my life. Also, it may become TOO safe and I may never leave because of that...fear.

What do you think? Any more advice on this? I would LOVE to hear other people's opinions on this. The more the better. Thank you!

Paul, i'm in very similar situation to you. When I think about what you are going through, maybe changing what's around you isn't something you should do right now. Maybe stick around where you are at (short term lease)...give yourself time to reflect on what you are going through.

To be honest with you, I'm coming close to accepting the fact my W doesn't want to reconcile. Trust me, it sucks...but somehow you have to remain positive about it. Don't do anything to quickly....give it time. Has your W filed yet?....she may even change her mind at some point during the process. In my situation, because we have a kid, there is a minimum waiting period of 180 days before anything can happen divorce wise after filing.

I don’t think moving home is the best option. It’s not good for yourself esteem for one. For another, it will still be hard at home. Maybe even worse. It’s hard running into the Xs, but it really helps bring closure. It’s really hard to romanticize or sugar coat your X when you see her. (This is provided you don’t date your ex! Dating the X is not a good way to recover from divorce.)

Why not sit tight for a little while, say a year, then make your decision. In a year, your brain will be working again. Your judgment will be clear. And your decisions will be better.

My wife met with the lawyer today so in 60 days the divorce is final. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It just saddens me like no other.

I agree, staying here might be the best, even though running into her and her family/friends will really suck. Even knowing or seeing her with someone else will really hurt even more.

Going back home would be the ultimate comfort zone, but I know I may get bored and also, like you said, my self-esteem may suffer even more.

I guess I could get a short-term lease here, try to pull my life together with the friends I do have, get my work going again (I work at home on the Internet), and if I want to go home...I could just take some long trips down there (it is over 3 hours away).

I don't know why I'm struggling with this so much...

Because you're depressed. It's next to impossible to decide anything when you are depressed. So, just stay there, get a short term something or other. You can always make a decision later when you are better.

Next, get to work NOW. I know it is tough. Lord, do I know it's tough. But, just do a little more work each day. Then, celebrate. Pat yourself on the back.

It always helps me to anthropomorphize the depression. It’s an enemy trying to destroy me. Luckily, I know it’s tactics.
1. Disconnect me from others so I feel outcast and lonely.
2. Enervate me so that I don’t accomplish anything making me feel worthless.
3. Feed me bad thoughts about myself, so I feel unworthy.
4. Paint the sky with a void so there seems no future.

So, here’s what I do. When I start feeling depressed, I dial through my phone book. I make light cheerful conversation, or I admit I’ve got the blues and need to talk.

Then, I set realistic goals for myself to accomplish. One goal is “Get out of bed, get showered and get dressed by 7:30.” It doesn’t matter at all if I don’t have any place to go. I have to do that. It helps. LOL. Also, I cut down on my sleeping. I absolutely make sure I don’t sleep more than 7.5 hours when the depression comes. If I sleep more, I get more depressed.

Next, I talk back to the depression. Sometimes, I do this aloud in the shower. I tell it to shut up. It’s just the depression talking, and I won’t listen. Somehow, this makes it better. Sometimes, the depression keeps telling me bad stuff and I keep argueing with it. It’s ludicrous but it works.

Finally, I dig out funny, ironic, feel good stuff. I read A Confederacy of Dunces, A Short History of A Small Town, and anything else that isn’t sappy, lovey-dovey, but is still funny. It’s amazing how a good belly laugh will perk you up.

Oh, yeah, one more hint. Depression and divorce can make one a tad self-absorbed. Sometimes, finding someone else to worry about has really helped me.

These are the things I’ve learned to do over the past 31 years as I’ve battled cyclical depression. You may have situational depression, but it’s the same.

And until you have fight back the depression, all decisions are going to be hard. In addition, facing your in-laws and ex will seem horrible. It will appear warped and bigger than reality. That’s why I wrote down my own ways of fighting the depression off.

BTW: In my own imagination, I wear a short Grecian tunic and carry a long, well-balanced sword with a golden hilt. I’m a cross between Isis, Artemis, and Wonder Woman, and my legs are cellulite free. Depression quells before that sort of self-imagery.