I'm getting quite depressed in this whole mess I find myself in. My situation is similar to (PaulD), who also posts in this forum. The only difference being I have a 2 year old daughter. I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

My WW has been threatening to divorce me for a few months now. I finally was able to get over my fear and expose her to her parents over the past weekend. I felt great about it for the most part, until she found out and tried to clear herself of her wrong doing with her parents. I have not spoken to them since all of this.

Yesterday, we met with our lawyers as a consultation to see what we have to as far as filing. I was quite shocked to find out just how much I would have to be paying in CS. I don't want this D...she does. She claims that she is unhappy, much like (PaulD) WW. I wasn't the best at following MB's advice, but tried at it. It seems that exposing her only made things worse for me. WW claims that she has come to terms about us and that she wants the D.

This is where we stand now. She wants me to consider going with the same lawyer so that we can save money. Something we don't have....instead we have a TON of debt. The only thing that we haven't settled over our talks of D are the house. She wants to keep it....but so do I. But because of the CS, I can't afford to keep it.

My questions to everyone:

Am I done?....what can I possibly do to save our marriage now?....I feel I've tried just about everything, but she wants no part of it. It takes 2 to want to fix it.

My situation is so depressing. My family is quite upset with her....I felt I had to tell them about everything after my WW discovered that I exposed her. Her family is upset with me, since supposedly she was able to explain her way out of the mess. To top things off, my job/career is looking bleek at best!

Any help is greatly appreciated.

i cannot comment on whether or not your marriage is over, but if it does go to divorce DO NOT SHARE THE SAME LAWYER!!!!! I cannot emphasize that one enough. You will not get treated fairly at all. bottom line.

mlhb

Why is that?....I mean, if we divorce, our case is rather cut and dry. I know the lawyer would have to represent the best interest of the one filing...of course I would try to make that me.

No, the attorney would have a duty to the client, the one who hired him/her. If your wife is the client, you’d be sunk. And writing the checks doesn’t automatically make you the client. If you’d like to do it cheaply, go to a mediator. They look after both parties’ interest and negotiate a fair settlement.

I doubt your wife will be able to keep the house either. However, that is the least of your problems. You need a lawyer to make sure there is an equitable distribution of debt, and that any debt she gets, is immediately transferred into her name alone.

I think you may have a chance at saving this when your WW realizes she’s not walking out of this with no debt and a nice fat CS payment.

Do you have someone who is good at numbers and finance? You should run various scenarios for the settlement. Like WW gets the house in her name alone, but also assumes debt equal to any equity in the house, then the rest of the debt is divided equally.

Are there mediators in your area? In my area, many mediators are lawyers who work for both clients.
Look some up or get recommendations from lawyers. By using a mediator, you are only charged 1/2 of the legal fee, and it's typically a less vindictive process.
Good luck.
Also, be aware of what the parenting time norms are in your area, and how much time you want and can handle with your child. The old standard of every other weekend is out the door in most states, and the time you have your child directly impacts the CS.

Greengables, unfortunately for me...I'm the one paying that will be paying the CS. Even though she makes good $ herself. WW told me that she is not after my $ though....good, cause I have none !!!

A mediator sounds ok....you use that, as opposed to a lawyer I take it right?...I don't necessarily want to bring it up to my wife though, because I don't want her thinking that I'm for this divorce...which of course I'm not.

It's too bad really. After exposing, which I possibly waited too long to do, it all seems to be working against me. The only thing I have to hold on to really is WW hasn't filed yet.

Thanks for the advice !

Sadmm, please clarify something. You said the two of you met with your lawyers as a consultation. Do you mean you and your wife went together? And the lawyers you both used as a couple told you you'd have to pay a huge amount of child support?

This seems.... like a conflict of interest here. How could they advise you with her there? Or vice versa?

Unless your in a state with a very straight forward CS statute, this is usually something that takes some calculating. Many states' CS formula is based on income and custody/visitation. Thus, with no visitation/custody agreement, there is no way to come up with a final child support number.

The whole thing sounds fishy to me. If I were you, I'd get a second opinion from a divorce lawyer.

No, we both had seen seperate attorneys. My attorney told me that based on the custody....me having my DD for one day a week and every other weekend, that I would have to pay upwards of $400 + per month in CS.

My WW has offered to allow me to have DD on Sunday nights which would bring my visitation up to 128 days...substantially reducing my CS by as much as 30%. She says she's not after my $....she's lied before. It's because of her lies that we are where we are more or less. Of course without getting into detail, I want to save the marriage...she doesn't. She cheated...I didn't. Like other BS in here...I take part in allowing the A to happen of course.

I don't understand why it is so cut n' dry that you'll be paying CS?
Are you not filing for custody?

You mentioned she cheated on you and yet your paying CS?


Also if your job falls away I thought there is a reduction in CS as your % is based off income levels? Not that it makes things any better...

sorry for asking any crazy questions...but doens't the fact she cheated mean anything in court? or better yet..to her?

Fidelity has little if anything to do with custody or support decisions in most if not all states.

I'm a BH, and I pay $1k/month to an unfaithful ex-wife, simply because I make 5x what she makes.

Why does she have custody? Precedence! She took our daughter on the guise of she wanted to "find herself" so I went along, believing her when she said she was not having an affair.

I was advised by my attorney that since I worked long hours, one week/month on-call, and her mother had been a SAHM for 1/2 of our daughters life, that it was unlikely that I'd get more than the typical EO Weekend, one day EO week.

So my advice is to stay in the marital home, and make HER get permission from the court to have visitation with the child/children, so that you have established the precedent with you as the custodial parent.

Do everything you can to stay in the marital home and work to keep the children there.

This is sound advice.....Exactly what my attorney advised. You can still divide the visitiation, but get the custodia l rights. What you do now during separation will have an effect on the final outcome. In my state, fidelity and the emotional fitness of a parent does count though.