a little back ground cause I can not find my other post.
Been married for 3 years. I did not show my wife all the attention that she needed (this I know and knew before). We have been seperated for 5 months today. We got into a fight because she started talking to her new "friends" all the time even at my house. By the way we were in the middle of building a new house during all this and I close on it today. She started working with one of her new "friends" everychance that she got. I have ways of finding out information. For some reason yesterday I just point blank told her that I had evidence (a tape but I really don't) of her at work with him several times. Over the past 4 months I have asked her time and time again if she had done anything with him and she has always said no. Yesterday she finally told me that they had several times at work but that they stopped doing it because it just was not right (I do not believe) anyway they are still "friends" and he has been seperated from his wife the same amount of time. She is leaving out of town to go to the beach to she a friend of hers that lives there. I should know this afternoon if he is going or not. She told me that she did not want to keep talking on the phone to me if we always end up having these talks. After she admitted that she had done this why did I feel better about her? She told me during our marriage that I did not show her respect and that again I was not showing her respect by still being at her work. She told me that actions speak louder than words. I looked at her and told her that I was leaving and I would miss her because this would more than likely be the last time I really talked to her. I did start to cry because it was very painful and I started to walk away. Why did she have to tell my that it would not be the last time we had to talk we just needed a little down time? I turned to look at her and she had tears in her eyes. She keeps telling me that I am a good person but she is just waiting on me to go off again and I normally do everytime. She tells me that she does not want to do anything with me because she is afraid that I will be mad at her sometime during our time together (I have never laid a hand on her and she tells me she does not think I will ever hurt her that way). I am not going to contact her until she contacts me (if she does). Can anyone give me some success stories or any other information please.

Is she a co-owner? If so, see about delaying the closure until you can get her off the deed and mortgage. You may have to do some creative financing to buy her out if she has a stake.

Yea, right. A classic affair ploy. Very possible that they're not separated, but either he's fooled her into thinking this OR she's just saying this to you to minimize your hopes. Recommend you find his wife and find out the truth.

Do you have any kids with her? How old are both of you?

IJWU,

Just curious of some other info. I didn't get a clear cut view in your post as to what you want (really want) to tbe the final outcome of this. So can you tell me that?

I'm not a fan of seperation, if the goal is to work and save a M. I know some people are, but I (IMO) cannot see where seperating and living apart helps trust issues and is in favor or saving a M.

On my own d-day, a friend told me that if my goal was to save my M, that I had to get up and start fighting for it; that everything I said and everything I did had to be in favor of that. That statement alone is why I did not ask my FWH to leave. Seperation (IMO) is a break from M, a time out so to speak. M is a committment, a constant work in progress. A's and dishonesty are the cruelest most impactful hinderence to the santity of a M, but can be overcome and recovery is possible, so long as both partners in the M are willing to dig in and work harder than ever imagined.

So with all of that, what are you doing and what are your actions that are in favor of saving your M? What things are you doing and choices you are making that are not 100% in line with overcoming this and moving forward as a M'd couple? These are things you have to ask yourself and aline everything with you goal. From there the decisions are hard and the work is even harder, but the goal should always remain in your focus.

blessings, 1yr

Let me start answering the questions -
She is now not the co ower (she signed the quick clam deed)
As far as his wife I have talked to her on several occasions and yes he left her about 3 weeks after we seperated. The 2 of us actually compared seperation papers, in his papers the protects my stbxw from any type of law suits against her (his wife is not going to sign them). In my stbxw papers she just gave all rights to all our assets to me and that was just about it.

What do I want the final outcome to be - I would love to have the chance to work on my marriage with her. I am the type that does not catch on until it is almost to late.

The main thing I am trying to do is show her that every word that comes out of her mouth I listen to and hang onto. I am really trying to show her respect in anyway that I can. I think I fail at this the most of anything. Two things I would like from here is 1st any tips on making sure I give her the right amount of respect 2nd is did getting her to tell me that she had had sex with her "friend" going to help me in any way. Will it maybe do something with her mind now knowing that I know because she told me or if she tells him that she has told me will that be any good? Thanks for any help and or tips.

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hhhhmmm, hard to actually give you a step by step, which it sounds like that what you are wishing for (aren't we all).

"Two things I would like from here is 1st any tips on making sure I give her the right amount of respect 2nd is did getting her to tell me that she had had sex with her "friend" going to help me in any way. Will it maybe do something with her mind now knowing that I know because she told me or if she tells him that she has told me will that be any good?"

If you feel her pull away, give her the space and don't "blow up". At the same time, you have to formulate your own boundaries of what you will except and what you won't. Then you have to express those to her, calmly, and with depth of feeling. The way you would want it to be presented to you. Bear your feelings, what you really want and let her know that you are willing to work on it. Gain insight into what she really wants. Then you have to go from there, but stay away from making her feel threatened (not physically, but emotionally). She has to be able to have safety in talking to you and you in her.

As far as the knowledge helping or hurting. Well, that's your call. For me, imagining was far worse. The brain tends to take you to the darkest place, and heck maybe the darkest place is the reality, it was pretty much that way for me. But I had to have a clear picture, so my imagine could stop taking off. It seemed like that all that was happening every moment until I knew every detail. At least then, I knew it all. For me, it was better that way. For you, only you can say.

I could never begin to even guess what that would do for her. Perhaps a level of her continuing guilt is lifted b/c the lies can finally stop. Perhaps it's a weight lifted and she feels it's a beginning to the end of your M. I couldn't even begin to do anything more than guess at that. Oly she could tell you. You just have to ask for her to open about her feelings. With that, the most important thing is for you to allow her to do that without the fear of your reaction. This goes both ways, FWS-BS and BS-FWS.

1yr