hhhhmmm, hard to actually give you a step by step, which it sounds like that what you are wishing for (aren't we all).
"Two things I would like from here is 1st any tips on making sure I give her the right amount of respect 2nd is did getting her to tell me that she had had sex with her "friend" going to help me in any way. Will it maybe do something with her mind now knowing that I know because she told me or if she tells him that she has told me will that be any good?"
If you feel her pull away, give her the space and don't "blow up". At the same time, you have to formulate your own boundaries of what you will except and what you won't. Then you have to express those to her, calmly, and with depth of feeling. The way you would want it to be presented to you. Bear your feelings, what you really want and let her know that you are willing to work on it. Gain insight into what she really wants. Then you have to go from there, but stay away from making her feel threatened (not physically, but emotionally). She has to be able to have safety in talking to you and you in her.
As far as the knowledge helping or hurting. Well, that's your call. For me, imagining was far worse. The brain tends to take you to the darkest place, and heck maybe the darkest place is the reality, it was pretty much that way for me. But I had to have a clear picture, so my imagine could stop taking off. It seemed like that all that was happening every moment until I knew every detail. At least then, I knew it all. For me, it was better that way. For you, only you can say.
I could never begin to even guess what that would do for her. Perhaps a level of her continuing guilt is lifted b/c the lies can finally stop. Perhaps it's a weight lifted and she feels it's a beginning to the end of your M. I couldn't even begin to do anything more than guess at that. Oly she could tell you. You just have to ask for her to open about her feelings. With that, the most important thing is for you to allow her to do that without the fear of your reaction. This goes both ways, FWS-BS and BS-FWS.
1yr