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#1678789 06/12/06 11:44 AM
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I don't know how to solve this problem,and my marriage is in deep trouble because of it- it's almost to the point where I'm going to leave because I feel I have to save my child. I've even been looking at homes to rent.
We've been married 6 years. He has no children from his previous marriages. I have two daughters now ages 11 and 14 from my previous marriage. My husband openly favors my 11 year old, and is hugely critical of my 14 year old. Both are good kids. Good grades, no trouble, active at school and in sports. My 14 year old is an extremely pretty girl who for some reason, has terrible self-esteem problems. He compounds them with phrases like "no wonder you don't have any friends", call her a liar, says she has "behavior problems" and is constantly picking on every little thing she does wrong, like not cleaning her room or leaving a spoon upstairs in their play room. I could go on and on. She now practically hates my husband. It seems every time he yells at her or doles out some sort of discipline, I get a knife stuck in my heart and I feel more dead that I did before. I defend her alot because I don't feel what he has done is justified, and then I get yelled at for defending her and not standing by him. We are living like roommates now because I have withdrawn almost completely from him. Is this marriage salvageable?
It's hard to have feelings anymore other than hurt and resentment. There are other problems as well, but this is the main issue. I feel I have to put my children first.
Any advice?

txmom #1678790 06/12/06 11:57 AM
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“””It seems every time he yells at her or doles out some sort of discipline, I get a knife stuck in my heart and I feel more dead that I did before.”””

Why on earth are you allowing him to yell at her and discipline her? The role of a step-parent is not one of a disciplinarian nor an abuser. Have you allowed him to yell and discipline her for the last 6 years?

“””Is this marriage salvageable?”””

I don’t know but I do know that the only thing you control is your actions. It would be good for you to read a step-parenting book and see that what the roles truly are. You are to discipline, not him. And now it’s to the point where it looks like you need to invest in counseling for your oldest daughter. It would also be wise to learn about boundaries. NO ONE deserves to be belittled or yelled at that is called ABUSE. From what you’ve described your hubby is being verbally abusive to both you and your oldest. You need to have clear boundaries “Hubby if you insult us or yell at us we will leave for the night” and then follow through.

Has he been physically abusive to any of you? How does he interact with your youngest?


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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Luckily, there is no physical abuse. My children are not spanked. I wouldn't let that happen, and would have been out of there long ago if it had. He has a very good relationship with my younger daughter - he bonded well with her when she was only 3. She is an outgoing, friendly child whose self-esteem does not suffer. He doesn't yell at her much.
I have talked to my husband that I think he picks on my daughter, and talked to him about it more than once, but he always has some sort of explanation to justify why he's right in his actions. He is a master at manipulating people to think that his opinions are correct. I rarely agree with them. (Even though last night he actually stepped back and let me handle something with my older daughter-which I did by simply asking her a question).
We have set up our first counseling appointment for next week, but I don't put alot of hope into it. He's got a problem with the boundaries of step-parenting, and doesn't think I have what it takes to discipline my children properly. He thinks I "coddle" them, when in fact, I communicate with them rather than yell, and have a very good relationship with my daughters.
It all seems so hopeless at this point.

txmom #1678792 06/12/06 01:56 PM
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Luckily, there is no physical abuse.

Well that could be viewed as lucky I guess, please do not minimize the real and lasting affects of mental abuse.

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It all seems so hopeless at this point.

You mentioned that he didn't have boundaries about step-parenting, well what about your boundaries? Have you stated what you will not tollerate and what the result for that action will be? Have you then followed through on the boundary? Stay within what you can control... Today can be and should be the absolute last time he ever demeans and abuses your daughter or you. You have to place that boundary there and you have to uphold it.....


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

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Well, I am in thee exact same situation, except I am the step parent of two kids around the same ages as yours and we have been married for about 7 years as well. Because I did not have kids before him, I had no idea what it meant to have them. I disagree with the previous posters suggestion that step parents should not discipline. The role of a step parent is a role of whatever you want it to be so you and he need to decide what that role would is. My husband could have written your post. Because I want my marriage to do well, I am working very hard to make the situation better for us all. What has made the situation better for my husband and I is for him to ask me what I need him to do to help my situation. While his kids did not ask to be in the situation that they are in, neither did I. Part of the reason I behave the way I do towards his kids is that I feel like I have a thankless job and I am way underapprecited. So find out what your husbands issue is with the daughter in particular. There may be something you can do to make it better for them both.


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While his kids did not ask to be in the situation that they are in, neither did I.


Although this is someone else's post, your reply struck me. You did consent to be in this situation -- you had a choice to marry someone with children or not, so the step-children's situation is much different than yours.

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Part of the reason I behave the way I do towards his kids is that I feel like I have a thankless job and I am way underapprecited


They were 2 and 3 when you married your H -- in what way should a 9 and 8 year old thank you and appreciate you? They are young and not able to reason, they are children and will act as such. They may view you as someone who is the cause of "mom and dad" not being together.

His children deserve love and care just as you give your own. UNLIKE you, they had no say in whether or not you came into their lives. And now, you expect them to thank you and appreciate you for "behaving the way you do" toward them? Remember, they are 8 and 9, not 18 and 19. BIG difference in how they will react with you. I hope you don't mean you are showing preferential/favorable treatment for your own children at the expense of his children by your statement. This is confusing and often mentally stressful on children of that age. It impacts their feelings of selfworth and mental well-being.

LH is correct. Step-parents should NOT discipline, it's not a proper role for someone who is not their parent, children have a mom and a dad (in most cases, barring death or incompetency). Please rethink how you approach and care for his children. None of this is their fault and they should not be made to feel like they are any less loved than the children you and your H share.

Last edited by diamondsj; 06/26/06 02:33 PM.
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My choosing to not be a disciplinarian, mother type person to them is what has caused marital distress in my situation. Of course taking a back seat to issues means treating the children different. My SK who have a mother who is barely involved in their lives. I wish that she were more involved with them because that would give me less to do for them. My children, altohough babies do show me appreciation. My 2 year old tells me thank you everyday for little things.
This person's situation is like mine. As I said my husband could have written this post. I would like to have the role of showing these kids how a mother should be by how I treat my own kids, but this is also not acceptable. My moved in with us 24/7 less than a year after we married. It has been extremely hard for us all the "blend" because of so many issues the kids had from being with their mom. WHile my husband says that I am too rough on his kids, he will also tell me that he apprecaites the fact that I have been because they have become better kids because of it. I never call them names or anything like that but I push them to perform at their best. I am not being hard on the kids because I want to mean, I would treat my own the same way, but I want the best for my kids and I am sure that my husband wants the best for his too. I think this poster may be misunderstanding the motivations of her H. People are senstive about their kids. There are things I would never do for myself that I would do for my babeis. I love them!!!


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Two year olds, 1 year olds, heck even 4 and 5 year olds are WAY different.

Your little ones don't say thank you for the little things out of a sense of appreciation. They don't have that concept. They do it because that's what they are taught to do and they get a positive response for it. They thank you not for a sense of appreciation but because it gets THEM the response they want. Toddlers are (and should be) totally egocentric. The world revolves around them.

NONE of these children, your step children or bio children, appreciate what you do nor will they really probably until they themselves become parents. Your bio children will probably be acting the same as they hit that age too.

I have a 9 year old and an 11 year old. I also have a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. My two year old says thank you all the time, hugs me, kisses me. The baby looks at me adoringly and smiles every time I come into view.

Do either of them appreciate me? Only as much as I give them what they want. The 2 year old, like any 2 year old, knows if he says thank you he get a smile and a "good boy. nice manners" repsonse. If he doesn't, he's told to. He's learning the give and take, the manners and rules of society. Just because he is following the rules doesn't mean he is thankful he got the snack he thanked me for. As far as he's concerned he got it because he deserved it. I am the provider of snacks. He wanted it. I gave it to him. He knows he is supposed to say thank you. I can guarantee you he doesn't walk away thinking "Boy, mom sure does go out of her way to make me happy. She's such a great mom." Nope. He got what he wanted or needed and that's it.

That's also exactly the way it should be.

Parenting, whether it's your bio or step children, is a thankless job. Period. Your bio children aren't going to be any different when they hit 6, 7, 8... certainly not as preteens.

As my two oldest get older they have moments where I think they are beginning to comprehend appreciation. I know they can say thanks mom, you're the best (when they get what they want). Children believe the world revolves around them. That's why they blame themselves when parents get a divorce...they don't understand that there are actually events in this world that are not a direct result of what they say, do, think, feel.

I write this just because I thinks it is important that you not compare the two very different age groups here. Developmentally you just can't expect the older kids to "get it". It's the job of parents to cultivate appreciation, to teach it.

Parenting, whether it be a bio or step child, is simply thankless for years. Your reward will be when one day your step children realize just what a thankless and difficult job it is... and that you CHOSE to be there.

For the record, I have a hard time believing the origianl posters husband is being misunderstood. Verbally belittling a child is just not acceptable. He's obviously capable of not doing so because he treats the younger child differently. This is something that needs to be addressed immediately.

Maybe he doesn't realize how he comes across or just what those things he says can do to a child. Whatever the reason, try counseling. There is a reason for it. Wait and see if counseling and learning about the developmental damage that can come from such behaviours helps. If that doesn't help you will need to clearly defend the boundaries you have to to keep your child healthy.

FIM


Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

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