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Joined: Aug 1999
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V,

I agree with others nothing is going to change if nothing changes. I would consult an attorney and see about plan B and moving her out. If she plans on being home for Christmas, perhaps she needs to reside elsewhere and "visit" the kids.

Make sure you have all of the angles covered, including the possibility of suing your company for creating a work place that is destroying your family. They clearly know what is going on.

I don't know if your state has legal separation but consider it. You are most likely to obtain custody while she is trapsing around with OM overseas. Continue to plan A, but get ready to lower the boom. Protect your children from her thinking and OM and that starts now.

I don't know what else to tell you right now. This is a very difficult situation and I really think you need the help of a pro like the Harley's.

God Bless,

JL

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V,

I am so sorry your having to go through all of this.

I think you should check the financial records to confirm where the ring really came from. If you come up with something fine, if not call her on it. If it were me I would want to know. You may not like what she has to say. It is extremely rude and insensitive for her to "flaunt" that new ring in front of you when she got home. I could only imagine how you were feeling when you first saw it.

That ring may have been on her finger to get you upset and do something "stupid" so that she could take the children. Keep your "cool" she may have more tricks up her sleeve.

I realize your in plan A at this time however, I would be very tempted to make it a point NOT to be there when she comes home to see the kids next weekend. Let her fly home and come home to an empty house. Take the kids somewhere fun for the weekend, or maybe to a relatives. Send her an email stating you all wont be there, but send it a little too late, like after her plane departs or just a few minutes before. If you do decide to do this document the email so she cant use this against you later. You made the effort to stop her from coming home, but you were unclear of the flight time. Others please chime in on this, It is just my opinion.

Another call to your companies Human resourse center may be in order here. Perhaps there is an "angle" you have overlooked.

Hang in there,

Tu2


If we never get lost, we will never find our way.
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How are you, Verloren?


[color:"purple"]When we lose sight of the well being of others, it is like losing sight in one eye. (the Dalai Lama)[/color]
The Neutral Zone Theory
Doing the right thing vs being a good boy/girl
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Hello Brownhair and others,

I'm still around. Not much has happened in the last month or so. WW is still going to Puerto Rico on a weekly basis, is still very much in love w/ OM. Still hurting our DDs and me. I still have access to her journal, which I read on a regular basis.

Found that WW is basically looking for a life w/ OM and the girls, but w/o me. Also discovered that she has been offered a permanent position in Puerto Rico, which she has refused because she can't take the girls w/ her. She has discussed all of this w/ OM, but basically they haven't been able to come up w/ a "solution."

Their plan right now is for OM to come to the US mainland "in 2 years" and for them to "return to Puerto Rico when the time is right." I guess the idea is for WW to file for divorce after her temporary assigment is up and have OM waiting in the wings. Next, the idea is for WW and OM to live together on the US mainland for a period of time, see if she can get custody of our DDs, then return to Puerto Rico w/ OM and our DDs.

Also discovered that one of my SILs and her husband are planning to visit WW (and OM, I guess) during President's Day weekend in 2007.

Am not particularly looking fwd to the Holidays. Am still in Plan A. WW and I haven't had any fights in the last month, nor have I done any LBing (that I'm aware of). Discussions are cordial, but somewhat forced and strained. I amd still trying to fill WW's ENs, but she is totally non-responsive.

Will arrange a session w/ Dr. H. again. Can't really go into a plan B because of custody issues, but maybe he has some pointers on how to implement a "modified plan B" I have to emotionally withdraw from my wife. I can stay at a friend's house during the weekends, when WW is here, but I can't take DDs with me. They don't want to be away when Mommy is at home. However, I would prefer to be there for them all the time, and not just during week....

Any feedback appreciated.

V


BS: Me, Male, 42
WW: 40
Discovered: June 8, 2006
Adultery ongoing: WW makes weekly trips to Puerto Rico for work assigment and to be with OP
Trying to be the best dad to my DDs
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Okay Veloren....It's time to man up for yourself and your children. No more messing around. She is or has made it painfully obvious that she has and wants a new life. She wants everything that she had with you except YOU. She wants the home, the two car garage, financial security, love, stability, THE CHILDREN and everything else but YOU.

Don't sit by any longer without getting your strategy together to protect your finances and your children from a selfish, immature, immoral and fogged out WW. Get an attorney (don't tell her) and start to work. Tell him/her everything about the affair, the WW's plans with the OM, her company's complicity in this, everything....Keep all of this to yourself and continue right on being the man you want to become whether with your WW or someone more deserving. Your WW cannot be trusted to be the point of stability in your children's lives. She wants to introduce them to this cheating, homewrecking OM and pretend that everything is great (no emotional scarring or anything else to worry about). They all want to do this. They want everyone to just be happy for them and understand and get along. The minute you say or do anything that calls them to accounability or goes against what they want to have happen in their little fantasy plan then they spew venom.

Time to man up and let the WW go while you get your strategy together to protect yourself and your children.

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Verloren:

Let WW stay at the friends house on the weekends, not you. Quit disrupting your DD lives for her fantasy

She has decided that Puerto Rico is a better place for her, and she only wants weekends with DD. SO let her have that.

She can hang out at the house during the weekend days with DD and after that she leaves to stay at friends?

You need to go to Plan B.

She is wearing the OM Ring for gods sake!

Put her on the street. Of course the holidays are going to be difficult, but that isn't your fault.

And go see the lawyer. And get your ducks in a row.

Give her what she wants.

Joined: May 2005
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Ver,

For a smart guy like you it is shame that you choose not to use your brain in this sitch with your WW. You are letting your emotions, namely, fear and hope, dictate what you do.

I know Plan A is good, but I can’t understand how you can live with yourself knowing that you are enabling your WW to go week after week after week to Puerto Rico to SCREW OM. Yes, you are one of the biggest enablers I have seen here. You are afraid to rock the boat, unreasonably thinking that your inactions will snap WW out of her fog.

It is your life and you will have to live with the consequences. But it is one thing not to stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect. It is another not to stand up for your CHILDREN. It is sad that the one adult who could protect them is relinquishing his duties to them, all because of fear. Do you think your children will respect you when they find out how you roll over and let WW abuse you, to the point where you KNOW WW and OM plan to screw you over, and you just stay there and watch? Tell me, do you respect yourself? If it were not you, would you respect someone in your position?

Yes, I know, it could be argued that you are doing this for your CHILDREN. But that can’t be true, since you actions create the least possible chance for your marriage to recover. Plan A is good, but at some point, a BS needs to go to Plan B to force WW off the fence. In your case, you have a great chance of recovering your M since WW really loves her children. It is that fact that you can use to your advantage if you MAN UP and start making WW face the legal consequences of her actions. Women do not like men they don’t respect. And, for good reasons, your WW has no respect for you. She can and does walk all over you. She will never return to you if you keep being this way. And the people that will suffer the most for your cowardness will be your children. There are no guarantees, of course, but you and your children deserve the best possible chance of saving the M. Failing that, you and the children deserve to be together. You actions, however, greatly undermine both of these possibilities.

I will repost what JL said to you a few posts up, the same thing applies today as when he said it then. What is clear is that you don’t listen.

Quote
I agree with others nothing is going to change if nothing changes. I would consult an attorney and see about plan B and moving her out. If she plans on being home for Christmas, perhaps she needs to reside elsewhere and "visit" the kids.

Make sure you have all of the angles covered, including the possibility of suing your company for creating a work place that is destroying your family. They clearly know what is going on.

I don't know if your state has legal separation but consider it. You are most likely to obtain custody while she is trapsing around with OM overseas. Continue to plan A, but get ready to lower the boom. Protect your children from her thinking and OM and that starts now.

Like I said, it is your life. Too bad your CHILDREN have no one to stand up for them. Too bad your children have to be the real victims here. At this point, I must say, you are a volunteer!

UVA #1681064 11/21/06 02:49 PM
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It is time to make her choose - the OM or her DDs. This will be the crippling blow to the affair. The longer you let her have her cake and eat it too, the more difficult it will be to end the affair, and the more time she will have to formulate a plan to divorce you, get custody of her DDs, and move back to PR with the OM. You said it yourself that the OM won't move here for another 2 years. Start plan B now, and most affairs don't last 18 months after the start of plan B. Don't give the OM time to move up here. Kill the affair NOW!

- Jim

jmwc95 #1681065 11/21/06 04:46 PM
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Dear Verloren,

Maybe it's time to ask yourself what keeps you from moving to plan B.
Are you being practical/tactical by having a longer plan A?
Or is it fear that is making you cling to plan A?
Plan A continued for TOO long makes you a doormat.. it makes people walk all over you without even noticing you're there.

You cannot be perfect.
You don't have to wait for you to being "perfect at plan A".
The idea is to make the WS give a positive impression of you, rather than a negative one (if the BS would give into all the negative feelings the A will naturally create in the heart and mind of the BS).
I think you have done quite enough...
IMHO, I think the next positive thing to show your WW is that you WILL stand up for your family and for your M, even if she will not. That you will face/confront even HER in that regard, and that you will not back down for whimpering/accusations/sudden nastiness.

Of course she won't like it if you will "suddenly" tell her NO, you can't stay in this house until you decide to come back permanently.
Be prepared for whimpering/accusations/threats/silent treatment/running back to PR... be prepared for anything but redelijkheid (what's the English word for that?).

Dear, dear Verloren, please keep posting here.
I hope your meeting with Steve Harley will clarify things a bit.


[color:"purple"]When we lose sight of the well being of others, it is like losing sight in one eye. (the Dalai Lama)[/color]
The Neutral Zone Theory
Doing the right thing vs being a good boy/girl
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
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Veloren what's happened to you?

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