Why would a loving but unsuspecting BS want to torment their WS with having to indefinitely suppress their lies?

WAT

Hmmm, interesting question for me. Pre D-day for WH's affair, had there been A's in the past, I would NOT have wanted to know. He was acting like a different person, we were kinda starting over, I was a different person. Now, I would want to know given the very recent history. Since we have both been adulterers, NOW, I need to know everything.

A friend's H had an affair, workplace fling, he never would have left his family for the hussy. But the OW was getting divorced and so friends husband had to come clean with the wife. Had the H not had to confess, the BW would have never known and her H would have become an attentive and protective husband without having ripped his wife's heart out. I'll ask her if she wishes she had never known, since her H did have the fidelity epiphany and seems to be a good husband to her now (the A was 8 years ago).

Of course, this is all STD dependant. I would be livid if this info were kept from me if my H had not been cleared by a MD.

Now here is why I say it depends. If they are telling you to relieve their conscience then they dump it on you to get over it I would say NO I do not want to know. I do not want to carry that burden myself.

lets be honest a lot do tell intially for this very reason...

THAT IS NOT RECOVERY OR OWNERSHIP...

it requires a great amount of humbleness for the BS to NOT accept the burden.....but to help the WS move through that stage...

WS that stay in the stage of blame...
are not FORMER-WS....

unloading can be and is often a stage or part of recovery...

but it is NOT recovery...or anything like it..

ARK

I think a BS can be infinitely helpful to the WS as he or she tries to recommit to the marriage. And as Pepperband pointed out, it helps both parties see the fuzzy boundaries which can be dangerous to cross. I know that I have changed certain behaviours since all this happened. I have a lot of male friends, but I don't even flirt in jest with them anymore. The pendulum may swing back to a happy medium in the future, but for now I'm erring on the side of caution.

And as far as details go, I didn't want any. I got a few just from the email and I really didn't spend any time thinking about the physical machinations of it all. It was just sex. I was much more upset about the declarations of love, and unfortunately I spent a lot of time bringing those visions into focus. It still makes me angry if I let it, but for the most part I just try to keep in mind that he's here rebuilding with *me* and not with anyone else. Life's too short to waste too much time feeling indignant.

Wow. Why burden them with both the extra-marital SF AND the guilt? I never thought of it that way... the poor WS's! You're right, that's just too much to expect anyone to endure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I keep wondering what to do when both WW and BH are big CA's..
If there is no knowledge of MB..
No MC or IC and no intention of going there..
What would be the use of exposure by a third party (me) if WW is willing to commit to the M ?
Do I have the "right" to step in here ?
Damn... A's are sh1t.

I wanted to know if the A was physical.

He said that it was once and that was all I needed to know.

Details would have just poured salt in my wounds.

I just read all of the responses because I was drawn to the topic and I have to say I am starting to think his A may have even been good for our relationship. I wish it hadn't become physical but in the 3 months since d day I am stronger, more confident and more aware of what is really important in my life right now.

I wish the revelation had come about in a different way but is has made our realtionship more honest on both our parts.

I can't turn back time but the honesty we have now makes it easier to move forward.

Blind

Wow, something very similar happened to me. My sex life with my wife was awesome; she'd take initiative, go crazy, the whole nine yards. Then I discovered she had been having an online EA that got very heated (the only reason it wasn't a PA was because the guy lived in Guam - they'd used the phone and VoIP to do everything else they could), and our sex life disappeared. All the sudden she was telling me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, that the spark wasn't there, there was no passion, etc.

I honestly think she would have these conversations with him, get all turned on, then come to me to get her real release. That sort of bothered me.

hurtingless
I know what you mean. I feel like my H dumped his EA on me when he brought her back to the house saying "guess who I ran into" knowing full well that he had arranged to meet her in secret. He got scared and brought her back to the house and dumped it and her on me. I was left with the job of figuring it out and putting our lives back together. Well I'm struggling with the puzzle.

Would I have rather not known? Right now i would have to say yes. Maybe in two years i will feel differently but right now, this s..ks.