My wife filed for divorce just a week ago. I had checked her email over the last few months and there were references to her ex-bf from high school. He has always been a family friend of her familys and hung out with her family and brother.

Anyway, long story short, during my wife and I's 4 month separation apart, I did ask her if she had been faithful emotionally and physically. She said she had and I truly believed her.

Well, I talked to my wife this morning over the phone because I'm out of town and she was going to do some "house stuff" this weekend so we can get our house on the market. I found in one of her emails (I know how to check it) that she spent most of the weekend with this ex and his family at a lake.

In fact, I found pictures of them together laying out in the sun and on a floatie in the water.

I asked my wife, so what did you do this weekend? She said, "I just hung out at my parents house". She never said anything about going to the lake.

She could tell I was mad at something and I just said,"Maybe someday I can talk about it, but right now it doesn't matter." She was really concerned and also said, "Well, can you email me and tell me?"

The thing is, I know they are hanging out a lot and she did go to the lake with him and his family. He has always been in the picture even when were married. So I don't have 100% proof of what is going on, but doesn't this seem like at LEAST an EA?

I'm SO mad right now! In so many ways I want to confront her about it, but should I? Or should I just move on with my life without confronting. I don't want her to know I checked her email, so I would have to say somehthing like..."I heard through the grapevine that...".

I would hate to accuse her of something that doesn't really exist...but I also don't like being back-stabbed either.

Bottom line is we are going to get divorced and I could never see her coming back to me. So should I just let her go and do her thing with this guy without revealing it? I can't imagine that it will last long considering she is jumping from our 5 year relationship (3 year marriage) right into him.

She also emailed a friend and said that I was kind of being a "punk" to her on the phone and distant. And that something was bothering me and I said it was too late. She told her friend in response..."I hope he doesn't know anything". Her friend responded and said..."I doubt he knows anything because he doesn't know our friends. He is probably just upset because D-Day is getting closer".

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I need some advice. Should I confront? If so, how?

First Paul, I am sorry that you're here. Read up on the principles of this site and how they work.

Then you need to decide if you want to save your marriage. Do you have children?? That matters because it is just another reason to save your marriage.

If you do want to save it you certainly want to expose to everyone that you know. Do NOT let her know how you know, however. It gives her time to come up with the "he's just jealous, he's nuts, it started after I wanted a divorce, we're just friends, et.al.make me want to puke.... what is his status? Is he married? Girlfriend? etc. Read up on exposure. Show the light of day to a cockroach and they disappear...

Look Paul, by what you have read it is more than an EA.....and if you're already at this point in the process then perhaps it is too late...but by all means never let a liar think they have gotten away with it...

Yes confront her. Why not?

Do you have any children with her? How old are you both?

Sorry to hear of your trouble, by all means expose why hide what you know? But don`t let her know how you got your info.

Its probably a lot more than you know. As a betrayed spouse, its very hard for you to believe that your spouse would actually cheat on you and lie to you and I think subconsiously you go into denial. Even in the face of more and more evidence you find ways to convince yourself that "nothing happened". I've been in that state for a year. A couple days ago I wrote my story out to myself and I can't believe the evidence and clues I was ignoring; I guess because I didn't *want* it to have happened... In my case I still don't have the truth yet. HurtingLess on this board took 3 years to find out the truth from his W.

You can't sweep it under the rug. And I don't think you can recover without counselling; thats what I tried to do and more affairs started to develop while I thought we were recovering. Others on this board have had similar experiences.

I am 31 and my wife is 28. We have no kids, have been together for 5 years and married for three. We went through a 4 month separation before she filed. I admitted and took claim to taking my wife for granted and for making her feel "lonely" in the marriage. She said she just "checked out" on me. She takes blame for not speaking up sooner before it got so bad.

During the 4 months I have tried the MB principles, been kind, given her space, and tried to get her to work on our marriage...even just a little bit. She has always been kind, but she just said the feelings were/are "gone" inside of her.

I always thought something is missing. Now I can see what was missing and why she probably didn't want to try to connect again...she has emotionally attached to him.

Anyway, I've realized that our marriage can't be saved...especially at this point.

Do I still confront her? I think it probably still needs to be exposed just so SHE knows I know.

What would be the best way to tell her? I was thinking of saying...

"You know (wifes name), I know a lot more about what is going on in your life than you know. People talk and things get around. All I can say is I'm very disappointed and thought I really knew you. That is all I really need to say."

This way she should know DEEP DOWN exactly what I'm talking about and she can take it from there.

Would this be a good way to go about it?

Paul,

Your biggest problem right now is that you are living in denial. The sooner you come to grips with the reality of your sitch, the sooner you can deal with it. I hate to break it you but your wife, now WW, is in a full pledged PA with OM. I am 99.9% certain of that based on what you described. It is the truth and you just need to accept it.

While, hopefully, you are coming out of your denial, check these links out. They have some very good information.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#3014240

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

God Bless.

P.s. Since you are young and have no children, I suggest you cut your losses. This is most likely the future that awaits you after you have kids, when it will be much more complicated. The pain and crap that you will go through is definitely not worth it in my opinion where there are no children and your history together is relatively short. But to each his own.

I recommend you be more direct and honest:

"Babe, I know you're involved with OM. I feel very hurt and betrayed. Nonetheless, I still believe our marriage can be saved and improved."

It may be too late to prevent the divorce, but please consider this logic:

Very clearly communicate to her that you believe the divorce should be stopped. If you filed, stop it. If she filed, make sure in your pleadings that you state you believe the divorce is unnecessary and that if she had not had an affair with OM - name him in the pleadings for the public record - that indeed the divorce would have been stopped.

Then sit back and let her make it all happen.

If it comes to pass, you will have tried your best to prevent it, she will carry the burden for it always, and you exit guilt free.

Do you have your own attorney? Discuss this with him/her and make sure the record is accurate. DO NOT allow the divorce records to be silent on the affair. This will help you in your personal recovery.

WAT

Even if you decide to divorce ... there are some lessons to be learned...

what are your lessons here?

Pep

Well, I know she is set on divorce, there is no doubt about that. My lesson is really more of a lesson for her...I want to expose her EA or whatever it is. I've been used in a way and stabbed in the back. I think this needs to be brought out into the light.

My goal of this is not to get her back, because I know it probably won't make a difference. In fact, she will probably deny it anyway.

I just want HER to know I know, plain and simple.

The lessons I've learned? Well, for me, right now it is going to be hard to trust someone 100% again and I'm really going to have to work on it. Also, my next mate or wife I will not take for granted...not make her feel "alone" like I did with my current wife (soon to be ex).

exposing an EA for revenge is never healthy - it should be part of a plan. If you are letting her go - talk to her and let her go.

if you want to make this work - then include exposure as a part of your PLAN

Otherwise you come across vindictive, sad - and really - it doesn't do you much good.

Hold your head high - if you are cutting your losses - let her know you know and gather proof if you need it for divorce proceedings.

If you want to go into plan A or B - then EXPOSURE will be a must must must must as part of a plan, and NOT part of revenge.

You can't teach her lessons Paul - only God can.

So you know - 50% of all WS's are set on divorces...

After a lot of thought and talking it over with my sister-in-law who has gone through this with my brother, I think it is best I just take the high road and leave the relationship knowing that I DID trust her, was a good husband, and remained loyal.

I would rather her remember me that way. Because even if I pointed out the EA right now and she even said..."Well, ok, yes". Then what? My wife has a lot of issues and problems within her ownself. I've realized this during our 4 month separation.

I know exposing the EA right now would not make a darn difference.

She already knows that I know SOMETHING that is bothering me and I told her I just don't want to talk about it with her and that maybe someday I can. I will just leave it at that....she knows what it is more than likely...even in her email she said, "I hope he doesn't know anything".

Sometimes less is SO much more.

Phew, I'm really glad that my husband didn't take this road...We'd be divorced...I'd be a tortured lost soul sick individual that believed all the bullcrap rationalizations and justifications that I manufactored to allow myself to go down that destructive path...We would be single parents...and more really heart wrenching stuff...

Instead, Mr. W decided to "man up" and fight for what was right...As a result, he is my hero, I am his awed, adoring wife...We are a happily recovered couple in a better marriage than we would EVER have dreamed possible...It just rocks all kinda ways ta Sunday...

But hey, if the easy way works for you, cool...Good Luck with that...I would see someone regarding your CONFLICT AVOIDANCE ISSUES...they will cause you problems again in your life...count on it!

DUDE...AT LEAST TELL HER YOU KNOW...IF YOU DON'T, SHE WON'T THINK BETTER OF YOU, SHE'LL THINK YOU'RE A SCHMUCK...I know that's brutal, but it's the TRUTH!!!


Mrs. W

WHAM...WHAM...WHAM...

That's not a 2 x 4

That's Mrs. W hitting the nail on the head.....

Paul...read what she wrote 10x.....and then remove yourself...what would you tell your brother/ best friend to do?? Just avoid it?? Then why are you here??

Who are these friends? Are these people you know the names but havn't really met at all or are these people that you don't know at all?

If you know who these people are then these are the ones that know the truth. This friend just gave away who knows about whats going on!

If you don't know these people then I suggest you try and find out who these people are.

I'm sorry, but I'm not a schmuck or a person who avoids conflict. The person that has COMPLETELY avoided conflict and did not communicate with me was my wife. I'm not saying I made mistakes, but I've at least told her that I'm sorry, worked on them, and worked towards our marriage.

Anyway, I've already told her that I was angry at something and left it at that. I told her that at this point it does not matter.

This obviously irritated her greatly because in a few emails to her friends, she said I was "being a punk" or a "big [censored]". The thing is, yes, on the phone I was angry in a way but more just distant and to the point. I didn't make a lot of friendly conversation. I was not mean though, I can tell you that.

Now she has to justify her affair by telling her friends (whom I never really knew much) that I'm just a jerk I guess. I'M the bad guy...even though I'm the one who has been loyal to her, friendly to her, loved her, and was patient and kind during the separation. I'm the one who fought for our marriage and was willing to work on it at ALL costs.

How does that make me schmuck? I find that so offensive, I'm sorry.

Like I said, what good does exposing the affair at this point? It won't win her back. And, she already knows that I do know SOMETHING...just not the details.

Please don't take my post in a negative way. I do want to do the right thing. I hope you understand.

I'm not calling you a SCHMUCK Paul...I'm just telling you as a FWW that's what I would have thought...take it FWIW...I'm not even telling you to go expose to everyone...it's pretty clear that you don't want to save this marriage, and I can certainly understand that...But for crying outloud loud man, hitch up the cajones to tell her you KNOW the score here!!!

She's calling you a PUNK...not much different than a SCHMUCK in my book...Hey, don't shoot the messenger...Don't be offended by me...it's your WW that is saying it!!!

Btw, do you realize that women do NOT love men that they do NOT respect? MAN UP PAUL!!! Btw, my affair was with my old hs/college bf, so I really get this...Seriously, based on what you've told us here, you can bet your sweet bippy skippy that this is NOT an EA...This PIECE O' CRAP is BOINKING your wife and you are handing her to him on a silver platter...

What did your wife do to get you to shut up and allow her to continue her affair in peace? Whatever she did, it is certainly working for her...Seriously, any WW would LOVE the way you are playing things!!! Where is your game buddy???


Mrs. W

Paul:

What Mrs. Wondering wrote to you in 2 post is really good stuff. Please read what she wrote.

I think your missing the point on what people are telling you so I am going to try also. You are a conflict avoider! You are a conflict avoider! You are a conflict avoder!

You can say you are taking the high road but nobody believes that. What people are trying to tell you is that in your next relationship you will continue to avoid conflict. I was a conflict avoider for many years myself and it hurt our relationship.

As Mrs. Wondering pointed out: Your wife is and has been boinking another man for who knows how long? I read some past posts of yours and you said you wanted to work things out. I would suggest that you also grow a pair and confront her and upset her affair world.

Even if you move on you need to respect yourself. You cannot be a wimp or your next relationship will have the same problems. Your wife is cheating on you and you avoded it. Women do not love men that they do not respect.

At a minimum upset her affair life. The high road is the conflict avoidance road that leads to no where. Good luck and please confront her without giving up how you know.

Btw, that is EXACTLY what exposure could do...In fact, that's what it's designed to do...Affairs THRIVE in secrecy...Why are you helping the infidels keep their dirty little secret? If you want to save this marriage, you have a really good chance, most marriages don't break up over infidelity...The ball is in your court here...If you want, we can help you come up with a plan to bust up this affair, take the control of your life back and save your marriage, but only if that's what YOU want...

Mrs. W

What will confronting her do? It will help you respect yourself. It will make it clear that you do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, and that you will not accept lies and betrayal.

Standing up for yourself is a fundamental ingredient of being able to live an adult, healthy life. If you want anyone else to respect and value you, you must demonstrate that you respect and value yourself.

At age 31 and with no children, I can completely support your decision to end the marriage. Still, I think there is great value in letting your wife know that you are aware of her treachery.

How about sending her an email like this:

Wife,

I am aware that you are involved with another man. It took a long time for me to hear about this, but I am glad I have. Now I understand why you would not try to work on our marriage, despite my pleas to do so.

There is no longer any need for you to sneak or lie to hide your affair. It is out in the open. I would never have believed that you would cheat on me, so I guess I must have been easy to fool. But even I have to eventually accept the truth.

I will no longer ask you to work on our marriage, and you do not need to continue to pretend to be my friend.

I wish you had had the decency to tell me the truth about your other relationship rather than allowing me to take the blame for the demise of our marriage. But I guess decency, like honesty and faithfulness, is not a value that you currently hold.

Paul