Saw my lawyer last week... Someone else posted about how sole custody is not reality for men unless mother is proven unfit. I had wanted to seek sole custody but wife's choices/behavior do not constitue unfitness..<BR>Now I have 3 choices the way I see it. (She moved out Aug 16)<BR>Wife has told me she does not want to work on marriage because she never had the inlove feeling for me and never will. She says never had it never will. Wants passion and chemistry in her relationships especially at the beginning even if it fades into mature love. So .....<P>A. Stick to Plan A, thru daughter's 3rd bday (11/6) and holidays. I don't think I have much more to gain, she knows I love her and I am willing to make changes, though she says its not about that. I have been in it about 3-4 months.<P>B. Go to Plan B, I think my best chance is to pressure her affair, pull out my support (financial/emotional), and let OM meet all her needs. Her best friend (her only confidant at this time) has told me W still wants me in her life, but agrees with me that the longer the affair last the more likely she will not want to come back even when it crashes. Like the postings have said, she will know what all those feelings/emotions were like and will not "settle" for our marriage.<P>C. Last but not least, begin discussions with her about Divorce. Female lawyer has told me unfortunately this is best time to get W to agree to alot of concessions that I want. I want Joint Custody with residential designation for daughter. I want to spend more time with daughter not just half. I want to stay in marital home (great neighborhood, great schools top 3 in state)and might have leverage against wife at this moment. If she does start to come out of fog she may fight more.<P>So what to do....I still want my marriage to work out, but I don't know how realistic that is even with all I have learned from this site. That passion/feeling people talk about having in the beginning seems to be the one that brings the couples back to at least try to work on things. Others have struggled when comparing how they feel based on their affairs.<BR>

Izzy,<P>I give a resounding vote to go to Plan B. <P>She needs to see how it will really be "out there" with the OM.<P>I'll be curious to see how others think...<P>Best wishes as you travel this new scary road. One thing I've learned throughout my situation, especially while the betrayer is in the fantasy stage: unless the reality of the situation is faced, she isn't in a place to make any lasting decisions.<P>Let us know what you decide...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Definitely Plan B. I think sometimes that the betraying partner thinks they can have the "best" of both worlds - a supporting husband and the sexual/emotional thrill of a lover. What happens when the supportive husband is out of the picture, maybe the OM isn't willing to be her entire support structure...?

Izzy,<P>Yes to plan "B", however, your attorney is probably right. Unfortunately, you and I have similar situations. My W is done with the affair part and has moved on to just being a party girl lay. That's pretty much what the "affair" was too. I have gotten to acceptance, however, I'd still work on it if asincere plan and desire where there. I have gotten the same "Wife has told me she does not want to work on marriage because she never had the inlove feeling for me and never will" thing too. Albiet, she still needs me in her life stuff. I have filed and ONLY did it because I have to have joint custody. Period. I would suggest speaking frankly and civily (if possible) about doing an amicable divorce. Then "B" it. That's what I have done, I don't think that it has affected our situation, except for the fact my kids won't be taken from me. After you get through the hurt and all, those guys will benefit from your actions. I thank God that even though I had to go through this, the kids didn't get dragged through too. Believe it or not they are fine and have at least ONE strong parent to lean on. <P><BR>Eric32

eric, I want to decide between Plan B and divorce discussion right now. If I go to plan B, I will table the divorce talk for now, since she is not in a hurry to talk about it either. The other day I did ask her about why she had not mentioned D yet, and she said that she had given herself about 6 mths from the time she moved out to decide that. Not sure what that says about her state of mind, but she has nothing to gain by D so she is probably not in a hurry as long as the cash keeps her way from me. But... when I go to plan B, I will only pay for the van ($500 mthly) she "owns" it right now. I will cutoff the other "child" support ($380) I have been giving her. Besides if it is true joint parenting right now, unless she seeks a D or some legal action, I probably would not have to pay any support. Lawyer said if I get residential designation she may have to pay me c.s. even though I make about 25% more than her if she works 32 hours like now. I could choose to defer it though if I was nice.. Lots of thoughts, I am not worried about losing anything financially or less than joint custody, the lawyer said her actions would at least allow me some leverage there along with my constant involvement in daughters life.

izzy - i'm a die-hard Plan A-er, but I agree here that Plan B is in order. Everyone else has given really good reasons.<P>Good luck to you.<P>lori

Izzy,<P>Plan B sounds appropriate for you.<P>The child support issue is a more delicate one. She could file now for child support even though you are not divorced. Have your lawyer determine what your share should be based on your state's guidelines. Depending on whether you are contractually liable for the van payment, that might be considered part of the support.<P>WJC

Izzy, You asked so here it is. I was certain that the marriage was over and was afraid that W was going to take the kids and move and clean out the bank accounts. On that premise I filed. I really wanted the divorce too. It was a great way out of a marriage that had been a drag on me from the start. I had always held out hope that we would be able to get it together but she always refused to give. I felt that I had to have control over my life and divorcing her would get it there the quickest. As time went on their relationship soured because they did not have me to hold up as the unifying orge that forced her into his arms. I was a real nice guy about it. I filed soon after discovery and anytime I would feel sad or hurt, I took it to friends and relatives and weaned myself of her. Your lawyer is right in that this is the best time to strike. Get everything that you can. I did and she did not even read the papers (two pages). I had to keep my mouth shut for the two month waiting period. It worked and I got to keep all of my retirement and do not have to pay any alamoney. <BR>After the affair ended she wanted to come back to me and was giving me all kinds of stipulations. I did not stand for it. The only thing that I demanded was that we be in joint counselling until the marriage is repaired. She kept being a hard @$$ about it and thought that I was bluffing. I took it all the way to finalisation over this. It was the toughest thing I have ever had to do but I felt it was necessary in order to restart the marriage as it should be.<BR>We are working on it and it takes time.<BR>You however, need to decide what is right for you and your situation. <P>I would be careful about what you say and how you say it to this friend. She is her friend.

everyone, thanks for all your feedback. My gut was telling me to go to Plan B, and I am leaning that way with the help of all the advise. Fighter, I appreciate your brutal honesty and in reality financially for myself it can't be any worse than it is now. A divorce or discussion would actually make it somewhat better. My proposal to her regarding the van would be for me to pay it off in exchange for her share of the house. That could still be a possibility since I know on our own neither one of us (espec her) could afford a new/almost new van. Of course she could chooose to buy her own, but these days that's high payments to. She seems content to live on lesser means, and if she wants more I don't have that much more. Lawyers did not anticipate an alimony issue for me. Well.. still seeking more feedback (my comrades: K , Chris, SHA,shattered,rwd,awoken) do you guys have any thoughts? I am leaning to plan B on Oct. 13 almost 2 months after she moved out and 4 mths into affair.

izzy bud - <P>Hey...just got on a little while ago. My W left in June as you know. Immediately, I wnet to plan B. I sent her the plan B letter (through her brother since I did not know where to send it). She did get it, but she did not apparently understand it (or just disregarded its contents) because for about 2 months after receiving it, she would just come over anytime she wanted.<P>I installed a lock on the storm door and took care of that problem.<P>It's full steam ahead with the divorce though. I went to the first of 10 support groups for seperated/divorced people last night. You might want to consider doing the same.

Izzy<P>I agree plan B. At least then you're moving forward. The other thing is plan B will better prepare you for a divorce if that is what happens.<P>On the divorce issue I would just keep your lawyer informed of developments rather than pushing forward. The longer you look after the kids without her the better your chances of getting the kind of custody you want. Also just because you probably won't get sole custody doesn't mean you shouldn't ask. It's always something you can compromise on.<P>In my case I see divorce as inevitable but I want to be where Fighter and Eric are with my self respect and self esteem restored, but still friends with my wife.

interesting, at this time I don't think I want to be just friends with my wife. Maybe down the road... Dr Harley, says in his book that we should have limited contact with our ex's (wives/girlfriends) out of respect for our future partners, and I also feel that my love will always be there for my wife and I don't think I could be close to her without wanting more. Thanks for the extra feedback, and Shattered, I still think your wive's affair will crash as soon as the OM tires of her. Can you hold on in Plan B... and be there for her when she crashes? She may still not want to come back, but if you want any chance you have to hold hope. I am trying to hold hope, but my OM is single and I think because they are both social workers, they feel the mutual bond/interest thing also, (she said that about conversations with him, my impression).