Hello all,

My previous message was in fact very sincere. I am going through a lot of suffering knowing that I made a huge mistake and my husband does not trust me anymore. He constantly reminds me that he is ready to get a divorce, and that hurts a lot. I am really devastated. I am asking him for some time to work this out. I am afraid that right now he may be taking decisions based on his anger and other strong feelings. I think the healing will take some time, months or years, and this is not the time to make decisions like a divorce. I cannot deal with the thought of losing him, the man I love. The psychologist asked me to do some exercises to “feel” if I love him, and I DO LOVE HIM. But my husband is convinced that I don’t, and that I have never loved him. He has all the characteristics that I want in a husband, and I have always loved him despite my big mistake.

I read the Recovery Guide suggested by Pepperband, and other related links. Thanks. At least I see that there are people that also understand the FWS point of view. I am going through ******, really. The fear of losing by husband is too painful. The constant reminder of what I did is also very painful. The only man I had been with was my husband, and as a woman like me, it hurts to think about the OM, not because I miss him, but because I gave him something so precious for me as a woman. I am not sure what role God wanted him to play in my life, but the pain and destruction that he caused are enormous. I am not blaming him for what I did, but I have very negative feelings about this person. I am going through a withdrawal phase where I have to learn to forgive myself. All of a sudden different moments of the relationship with the OM come to my mind, and I get a horrible feeling with each thought. It feels so wrong and nasty….and it hurts a lot.

I just want to concentrate on repairing the relationship with my husband, who has been caring, even though he reminds me constantly of the upcoming separation. I know that he is hurt and has great disappointment in me, but he is still focusing on so many details about what happened that it is very overwhelming to remember all and give explanations. I see it as one big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life.

And that comment about perfection and God from Pepperband, I do agree that only God is perfect, but I guess that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in my eyes, my life, my husband, and all those other things that I mentioned are “perfect”.

Thanks to all, HG

You know, its crappy half azz counseling advice like this that has caused me to not trust the counseling community. As a whole I think they need an overhaul to their educational training. UNBELIEVABLE!

Yeah, thats it. Separate so your WW can indulge in more cheating where your presence won't impede her. Maybe she'll catch a life threatening STD or become pregnant in those two days, or both. GREAT ADVICE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi again, HG - I've been waiting for one of you to post.

Let me first say that I, personally, cannot advise you on how to regain your H's trust because as a betrayed H myself, I did not get the chance to regain trust. Which brings me to my main point at the moment - please know that there are many, many betrayed spouses on this forum who would cut off their favorite appendage to read words like yours from their spouses.

There are other FWSs here that may be able to help you. Browse around and read others' stories. Likewise, encourage your H to do the same. This will not get fixed overnight. Do not expect instant results, DO EXPECT setbacks.

WAT

I'm one of the BSs who would chop off a limb to have my STBXH come clean and own his affair, as you have done HoneyGirl. Mine never admitted it was an affair.

Now that you have both found MB, please consider counseling with the Harleys to restore your marriage. And as to the suggestion of moving apart for 2-3 days - bullshot. Dump the counselor.

Welcome.

Please look at Joseph's letter. Yes, it's painful for you talk about this. But he needs to know exactly what happened. There are going to be a lot of 'why' questions - why would you do this when you had the perfect marriage to a great guy? Why would you go to a hotel to have sex with a man after a romantic weekend with your husband?

"I don't know" or "I turned away from God" are only going to work for so long. Sounds like your BH wants to know why - and you must have had a reason that made sense to you at the time, however nonsensical it may seem now or however ashamed you may be to admit it. I'd really suggest you seek IC to help you get to the bottom of this.

And get your BH away from that idiot MC he's talking to.

Kudos for stepping forward and posting.

Yo Goddess - howya?

Yea, mine neither. She married the guy she wasn't having an affair with a few months after our divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WAT

HG - one thing you should do if you haven't done it already: write OM a NC letter AND get a copy to his wife. Have your H approve it and allow him to send it.

In that your current work sitch doesn't allow complete NC, specify NC as "all avoidable contact" until such time as the work sitch is resolved.

WAT

HG, and ot,

You have been getting great advice from WAT and others, and while he may have tee shirts your age (and probably unwashed I might add <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) I have children your age. So you are really hearing from the "old folks" here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HG, welcome to MB. I found your statements very encouraging and I hope your H will as well. But, remember words without actions really don't mean much. Nevertheless, I get the sense you are sincere. HOWEVER, you knew this was coming right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I would like to comment on what you said and offer you and your H something to really really think about OK?

You said
Dear HG, your H is NOT perfect, your marriage was/is not perfect, your job is NOT perfect and clearly your relationship with God is/was not perfect. I am saying this for a very very important reason.

If you expect everything or ANYTHING in your life to be perfect you are in for huge disappointments. I am guessing this may be a deep reason you gave yourself permission to have the affair.

You need to realize that your H has flaws, weaknesses, and needs your help in life. What you don't realize yet is that it is these flaws and weaknesses that give life it's sense of accomplishment. It is what makes your marriage a challenge AND something to really appreciate. You see your H is and will be a good H INSPITE of his failures, especially you will help him.

When you get to be my age, when you look back you will see that what made the marriage special is how much satisfaction, love (you got and gave), and how you helped each other inspite of the flaws. The easy things can be enjoyed, the harder things should be respected and revered.

If you realize that your H is flawed, you will not hold yourself nor your H to unrealistic standards. Unrealistic standards are what often lead people to cross their personal boundaries and make decisions that they later deeply regret.

I would encourage you to sit down and really really think about your H's flaws, about your flaws (I don't mean the A either), and what you actually love about your H and about YOURSELF. You will ultimately need to understand WHY you had this affair, what you said to yourself to convince yourself to cross boundaries you clearly stated you have. Your H is going to need to hear the why, so that he will feel he has some input into the direction of this marriage.

Frankly if everything was truely PERFECT, I would recommending to him that he leave you, because there is nothing he could do to protect himself and this marriage. But, there are things aren't there? There are things YOU can do as well, and one of them is develop a plan to protect your boundaries. You don't leave your life to providence, you figure out how you will handle temptation in the future, how you will handle disappointment with yourself, your H, your marriage develop a plan and discuss and POJA this plan with your H.

You also said


Girl, this is not about weak or stupid, this is about not understanding how to protect YOUR boundaries. This is about not fully understanding the promises you made, and the value of those nearest and dearest to you, but most of all this is about NOT understanding yourself and protecting yourself.

You realize that most people don't emotionally mature until around 30. What I just stated in the previous paragraph is about emotional maturity. You are getting there and unfortately it is going to be painful, but you can make it and so can your H.

ot: I hope you have read my comments to your W. You see many of them apply to you as well. You two need a plan to protect boundaries. Further you both need to accept that each of you is flawed,but can make improvements. Your W failed you in the worst way, but she can with your help turn this marriage into something far better than it was, no matter how "perfect" either of you thought of it. It takes a real and honest effort to appreciate each others weaknesses, failings, and strengths. I know you are in a great deal of pain, and I know you don't trust her. The trust will come if her actions match her words. But, what will also come is a depth in your marriage that was NOT there before. Have patience, talk to her, treat her as you would like to be treated if you have failed big time. But, most of all realize you both are human and you can LEARN form this and become much much stronger for the learning.

Hope this helps you two a bit.

God Bless,

JL

Another setback... Today, my W started working from home, yeah!!! However, I had to go out for one hour to run an errand. When I came in, I noticed she was on the phone and she immediately ran into the restroom and closed the door. This was, of course, very suspicious, so I picked up the phone and started listening to the conversation. She was talking to another man about what had happened. When I went into the restroom to ask who the other man was, she replied "a co-worker". HELLO!!!! Who? Then she gave me the name. I then confronted her and asked her why she was hiding from me if there's nothing to hide... She didn't have anything to say.

I don't understand how a woman promises to be transparent, and the minute I turn away, she's talking to a co-worker (that for all I know it's the OM). How can I ever re-gain my trust in this woman? This is driving me crazy...

Sometimes people need to experience consequences for their bad behavior before they're motivated to change.

HG - is your husband's account correct?

What's going on?

Total honesty is required from you both.

WAT

HoneyG,

If you are sincere then why are you still hiding things from your husband?

Can you tell us how keeping the truth from him is rebuilding trust in your marriage?

Jo

Bumped for HoneyG.

Ot & HG,

If the OM did threaten anyone, notify his W and authorities. Do NOT wait until he enacts on it. It c/b a bluff but the police will tell you it is better to report it and have it on record than to be a victim without real proof.

Consider the threat real. Take appropriate action ASAP.

JMHO,
L.

Hello all,

My H and I do agree that the MC is not that good. I understand that he is trying to make us think why we are together, if we love each other, what are our needs, and our expectations from a marriage. I guess it is positive to go through that dynamic, but he is concentrating on the stuff that is wrong and presenting that as a reason that maybe we should not be together. I think he should focus on the good things we do have and on working on those things that might be missing. Anyway….

This is a very difficult process we are both going through, and of course it hurts that there is no trust because it does not matter if I am telling the truth, for my H it is all a lie. Also, he is so hurt that it does not matter what I say or don’t say, it is always wrong and he always has a way of interpreting my words to prove that I am not being honest. That is very frustrating, but I know it is a price I have to pay for what I did in order to recover my marriage.

About bitbucket’s comments, I understand that my H wants to understand why I did it, but at the same time he says there are no possible justifications for my actions. I do understand his point of view, but if he wants me to be honest to him about the reasons I had for what I did, he has to be open-minded to listen to them even if they hurt. I am still not aware of all the reasons I had, and that is part of the individual process that I have to go through. Feelings are feelings…there are no wrong or right feelings. There are feelings that could lead to incorrect actions, but as a human you just feel things…so I have to learn what those feelings were and I want to be honest with him about them without getting judged. The only one that can really judge me is God. So going back to bitbucket, I would like for my H to listen to my answer of his question of “why” even if it is a nonsensical explanation or even if I am ashamed of it.

I do have many more comments on Just Learning’s comments, about the setback my husband talked about, about my career, and other stuff….but I will take a break. We have a beautiful sunny day here and I want to enjoy it with the man I love, my H!

Bye, HG

So it's been 2 months since the EA became a PA. And about 1 month and 29 days since my WW started to confess about it. I still can't get over the whole thing. Just thinking that the OM came to my home, betrayed his W to sleep with my W and the fact that my W was so easy (it only took the OM about 1 month to sleep with her) it's all really bothering me. Additionally, as I may have mentioned before, I was the only guy that my W had slept with until now. The marriage counselor blames me for supposedly not meeting 1-2 of her needs, but what about my needs? None of my needs were being met and I still remained faithful.

I still can't get the images of them both together out of my mind. And still the feelings of anger, hate, disappointment etc still linger on my head. And also doubts... does "once a cheater, always a cheater" apply to everyone?

How is it possible that in the beginning of April we had to go to the American Airlines office to identify a steward that made an inappropriate approach to my W and then in the middle of April, she accepts the approach from another person? Someone who's from a different religion, likes a rival sports team, voted for someone my W hates, is willing to cheat on his W of less than 1 yr, makes 1/3 of the money that I do, can't even speak/read english, believes that hitting his W is ok, etc... Did my W really get that blind?? I mean this guy is nothing like me... and all he did was be a good listener and that was enough for her to sleep with him?? Isn't that gross/disgusting? What happens when the next guy comes around and spends a good time listening to her?? It took me almost a yr to sleep with my now W, and this guy did it in 3 weeks?? I really feel like there's nothing I can do and there's nothing I'm going to get out of this marriage.

It feels like as time goes by, I just get more and more depressed...

I know exactly how you feel otilleb. I feel the same way about my WW although we are not together and are about to be divorced. I not only don't want to be married to this alien being anymore I don't even want to see her again, ever. It took me a while to get her. I would have done anything a few months ago to save our M and protect our children but you can only do so much with someone who obviously was and is not healthy mentally or spirtually to allow something like this to happen. I had many opportunities (in my business travels) to do what she did and never waivered and she like your W less than four weeks after meeting a serial cheating, sex addict, 23 years older than she whose own family has no disowned him starts an EA that could not have taken long to turn into a PA. A M woman with a 6 month old baby doing this is unforgiveable. For the record I treated her like a queen. People have come up to me and said I don't know what else you could have done for that woman.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we may have picked a bad apple. It's hard to rationalize this after 8 years of seemingly good marriage even up to the affair the M was solid and rewarding from both sides. I will never get it and I don't think I could even trust her again. If she had had a one night stand that is one thing, but an ongoing love affair with a fool is completely out of the realm of any reason. She will crash and burn but something tells me I will not care when it happens.

So, I know where you come from my friend. I will say that if HG truly is trying to make it work to hang in there a while longer and see what happens. There are success stories here. Read those, study those and know that you are not along in how you feel.

That's the other thing. In February, she stopped taking "the pill" because we had talked and agreed that it was time to look for our first baby. And then two months later she engages in an EA/PA with some dude who was born and raised in a total opposite way that we were?

I also get the same comments from my couple of friends who know us and the situtation, "You've given everything to this woman" ; "I look up to you guys since you always seem to be in love" ; etc...

H&P, looks like you and I have a lot of similarities... I also had business trips where I could have done something like this, but never wanted to do anything that could affect my M. My W even got worried when I traveled; that I could be cheating on her, which made me think that she would never do this to me.

It does seem that my W does want to work on this and maybe I should ride the wave for a couple of months and see what happens. It's just all so frustrating.

She let this guy come over to your home and have sex in your bed and put your health at risk for STD's? It is horrible enough for her to cheat on you this work but to allow this to happen in your house is the ultimate in distain for you and your marriage. How can you even stand to be in your house?

Hi Bryanp, according to a letter I found and instant messages transcripts, the guy told her "I want to kiss you". She said "where do you want to kiss me" ... the conversation kept going and then they were going to try where the kiss will take place. It couldn't happen at work because other people would see them. I had a 2-day business trip that week and was away, so she offered to bring him here, gave him a tour, and when he was leaving, they kissed. She swears on the bible that that didn't happen... of course, I don't believe her. Every day, that I'm here I think about it... I can't even sleep wondering if there's sperm from the other guy trying to get into my pants. One of my conditions to work on this, is that we have to move away from this place. Being here every day (I work mostly from home) is driving me crazy.