Post deleted by californiapoppy

cp,

I'm sure there are many more "marriages of selfishness" to come over the years.Even before my ex and I were officially D'd,he was wearing some kind of silver looking/platinum? band on his wedding finger as if he was already married to the OW.Just ridiculous.I'm sure a marriage is in his future too although I can't understand it since our D has cost him big time.Personally I would be very cautious about ever walking down the aisle again.Kids should be the priority until they feel secure enough then you can concentrate a bit on you.

CP, I find it somewhat alarming that you are not taking the proper steps to help your son to adjust to his new situation, it doesn't seem like you are supporting him with this, and alienating him from his dad.

You do not sound like you have moved on from your situation, you sound quite jealous and bitter of XWH, and somewhat scarily obsessed with the OW. If you two are divorced, what is the need to dig up info on the OW? It seems like(tried to view your other posts, they are deleted)that you are somewhat obsessed with his life.

Sorry to be harsh, but I find your statements pretty hateful, and not healthy.

If your EX is moving on, you should focus on you. I frankly find it hard to believe that your child speaks of other adults this way - you allow this type of talk? That doesn't seem like a good situation at all, and will make your child have a more difficult time, its obvious, no matter what your ex does, the OW is here to stay..

Oh for Pete's sake - californiapoppy shouldn't "allow" her son to call the OW wrinkly? All this time, I thought freedom of speech was one of this country's fundamental principles. And you think the OW is here to stay because?

It would be irresponsible not to find out everything she can about the OW, if her son is at risk of being left alone with her. It's not like californiapoppy can run a CORI check on her.

Yeah, I know it is obvious that this new poster is a troll..

A troll? Definitely not that, obviously you have issues as well and can't move on with your life either... Seems to me like you are the bitter troll Nellie...

Not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here, just seeing a woman in pain, and masking her pain with self righteousness instead of just saying she is hurt, sad and just move on.

Despite whoever my ex is with, I don't care what he does. Just giving a perspective of someone that has been through the mud, just doesn't make sense to dwell in our ex's future, we are part of their past.

Trying to reiterate what another poster said here, for CP to focus on herself, sorry if my wording was harsh Nellie.

I never said that she can't allow her son to call the OW wrinkly, how does that help him adjust to this seemingly permanent situation? obviously the child needs professional help to be so nasty.

Nellie I hope your kids if you have any, have some decency, there is a difference between your children expressing themselves vs. being mean spirited...

What is harmful is for the father to be engaged TWO WEEKS after the divorce is final.

It is critically important that the child be allowed to express his feelings, in whatever words he cares to use.

The child should not be expected to "adjust" to a situation that is harmful to him. The father, on the other hand, should "adjust" to being alone.

Once you have children together, you are never just part of your ex's past - you will forever be part of their future as well.

You obviously don't have a clue what a message board troll is - or at least you are pretending you don't.

Why exactly are you here, anyway?

I agree with you 100% Nellie...obviously this woman has no idea what this type of situation is like for the kids. As a matter of fact...she sounds exactly like my ex's clueless OW. Hmmmm...almost the exact words as a matter of fact.

Could it be?????

Just because the kids feel the truth, no need to cover it up and pretend it is other than it is. I have four wonderful kids who all have been affected by their father and is "wife".....because they have moved on with their lives and want little to do with him now....my ex and his mistress---oops...wife want the kids to go through counseling with him....which will never happen...because he has moved half way across the country. Besides that all four of them are living the best life they possibly can right now...good grades, good social skills, nice, kind considerate kids. They just don't want to put up with crap anymore...and they will let you know it.

Has this divorce changed them...you bet...it changed all of us and it has not been easy.

My ex's and his mistress's mantra is "your mother has turned you against us"...bunch of boloney. The kids just don't want anything to do with them...that is the result of lies, deceit, lack of monetary support...alcoholism and other things. But THEY want us to just move on and accept what they have done. Sorry to say, it is not going to happen....at least not without a lot of repair damage on their part.

I agree...I wonder why this person is here????

Is it funny how the ow/om or the ws's always want everyone to move on the instand that THEY made up their minds to either end their current marriage's to the bs's and to ACCEPT their decisions on that matter.

Bur when it comes to the Bs's, friends, and their kids not ACCEPTING their lies, deception, not paying child support, OR MOVING HALF WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY, and the fact that THEY left for some one else ....IT'S ALWAYS A DIFFERENT STORY IS IT day21,?

New here, interesting to read all your comments and who is the real TROLL?

I read that the woman is hurt, her XH is moving on, but with my background of walking the life of the Lord....XH is living in deceit and lies by living with the OW before marriage. Of course, he committed adultery in the marriage with the OW. According to the statistics...one should not even think of marriage until at least 3 years post divorce. The child is showing his anger and upset by name calling. If the woman is wrinkly...I would say that is better than calling her other very disrespectful names. I believe the child could say that she is wrinkly...I find it discriptive and honest and actually mild.

The woman also stated that she is dating a man...and waiting which she should wait. Of course there is jealousy, this is human nature...for she married this man out of love, love from her heart. Some humans feel more than others.

From my experience, my XH committed adultery, and was a totally different man before the affair and during the affair, and after. Yep, he wanted to marry the OW, but she eventually dumped him. He went through deep emotional withdrawal...and was obsessed with getting in contact with her. It hurt my heart deeply, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I was dealing with my father who was diagnosed with lymphoma and dying during this his affair. His betrayal hurt more, the losses were so great of the 2 men in my life.

This woman is just putting forth her feelings, and her sons feelings. Maybe I am not getting the whole picture...but I do believe that a little compassion is needed here.

After reading these replies to my harsh commentary I guess, sorry to offend anyone on here.

What the WH is doing is wrong, I never said it was okay. The whole situation isn't okay. And if the child hates OW, oh well, that is for OW and EXH to deal with. I hope that CP can truly move on with her life, and do what she has to do.

You don't know that to be fact. No one does. And if you follow statistics and factor in how these two infidels began their illicit relationship, its likely they will end in a bad way within 5 years.

Jo

CP - I'm sorry you and your S are going through this. Your ExH and OW are in their affair-fantasy still and I strongly suspect they won't last based on statistics that fit OW's history and affairs in general.

I hope my experiences may be of benefit to you. I have been where you are, a BS. I was also a WS and in a pair of OW's shoes too.

I understand your feelings and frustrations, especially since your Ex-H is moving at lightning speed to take his affair to new levels which affect your S even more. However, be careful:


You have pursued quite a bit already to be saying you're in love, and your S adores him. And this obviously occurred prior to the divorce being finalized.

You are both teaching your S that affairs are okay.

You deleted previous posts, but I'm gathering that your Ex-H had an affair and you separated. During that time, you met this other guy and fell in love. Make no mistake, your guy IS an OM, as surely as your Ex-H's affair partner is an OW.

So tell me, are we to be appalled by what your Ex-H is doing, and excuse what you have done? Because he did it first? Because...his affair is more blatant? Because...your S likes your OM and doesn't like your Ex-H's OW? We could debate all day, and can if it's helpful to you. We also don't have to. I merely want you to be aware, in a wider view, what is going on here. Sometimes more input offers things to consider and will provide more understanding of the situation in its entirety...and what you can do (and not do) to help your S.

I'm going to visit my adult D today, but back this evening and will check in. I have more thoughts I'd like to share, that is, if you haven't mentally shot and dismembered me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Remember, I've been where you are, and my finger-pointing is not meant to knock you down...just preliminarily open up more thoughts for your consideration on how you will want to handle the situation.

Post deleted by californiapoppy

CP -- I'm glad you're posting.

What is the current custody/visitation arrangement?

If you will, please explain the situation with your friend. I don't understand...you're in love but didn't "date?" How long have you known him, and how much time have you spent with him?

Of course what Ex-H and OW do isn't your fault. But you can work with the situation as much as possible, for your son's happiness. Will your Ex-H discuss things that concern your child? If OW is treating him like a baby, perhaps you could talk to your Ex about it, and hopefully he'd be willing to steer their interaction into something more pleasant for your S. You also might wish to suggest that he spend one-on-one time with him, what precious memories it will create for your S later...if Ex-H would entertain the notion?

CP, I think Lucks makes some very good points re: your new relationship vs. your WXH, no one is "better" there ... but what EXH did isn't your fault, needed to reply to that question. As far as OW's past, unless she is a child molester or drug addict, honestly that is irrelevant to your son's situation.

It is concerning the level of "hatred" your son has for the OW - although typical for the child to blame the OP instead of the parent for everything. Does he express his feelings about his dad too? If he can do that, that would be a breakthrough, sounds like your ex has no clue....What do you say to him when he expresses himself this way? Do you know if at all if your exH tries to discuss your son's fears with him? His feelings at all? Is there anything you do to help him not feel "afraid" of talking to your ex or the OW so he can open up? Although their timetable is fast, maybe in time, your son will open up to them, can you help facilitate that in any way by helping your son to talk to his dad and possibly the OW?

Since it sounds like you can't talk to your ex about your son's feelings, maybe you can work with your son to dispel some of his fears with his new situation. Is your son in therapy?

Its ashame that your son is suffering so, sounds like he is being thrown into alot of new situations. As you said, children are not clueless, I would think that your son picks up your romantic involvement as well, and is possibly afraid of talking to you about that?

I hope that in the future things will get better. You being the mom, your son naturally expresses himself to you more, its a good thing he has you to talk to.

Post deleted by californiapoppy

CP, you didn't mention, but does your son say anything against his dad? Does he express anger at him, or just the OW? What does the therapist say about all this?

If your ExH is clueless or in denial this is happening to your son, I doubt the OW has any worries because she has no clue this is happening, and is focused on other things. Who knows, maybe she sees things as fine, for that is all she knows. I am gathering from your posts that she doesn't have any children. All in all unfortunately, I guess that is their problem to fix, and not yours - I can feel your frustration with the situation. Of course, you don't condone the exH and OW, but you want your son to at least feel safe. But for now, its difficult to have that feeling of loss of control in any case with the infidelity and all that, plus then your son is with them and you can't "protect" him. I hope that your son is able to express himself to your ex, or both of them, hopefully it will lead to good things. Its too big of a burden for your son to carry however, and you are stuck looking like the bad guy so to speak even if you tried to present the situation as is to them - for sure it will fall on deaf ears. Its the not knowing part right now as they move forward how your son will be that is hard, stay strong for yourself and your son. Maybe things will improve, sounds like it is too soon to tell.

Yes, a child needs to be allowed to express their feelings...to vent. The reality of the situation is right in his face. On the other hand, the child may also need some help in setting limits, containing his anger.

Let's say that your child is in the "anger" stage of his "Grieving". Dad and the OW are clearly the enemy and mom the "good gal". A child may intensify their rageful behaviors towards Dad and the OW to "prove" to mom just how devoted he is to her. Part of that devotion may include accepting and supporting mom's feelings or you could lose her,too! The child may then end up carrying part of the parent's rage.

I used to work in foster care. Some of the children I worked with had very abusive parents. The parent was still part of that child's flesh and blood. For some children, criticism of the parent was utimately perceived as criticism of the child. "If s/he is my "blood" and he/she is so awful...what does that say about a part of me?????" I know that's not the message we want our children to have.


A child may still like some parts of dad and maybe the OW isn't so bad afterall. But if the child feels he must take up the cause and defend his wounded mother, he isn't "allowed" to accept or find out things he might like about dad and the OW.

When my sons visited their dad there was no OW. He did have a second wife. In general the stp mom was ok, but she could become controlling and name calling. My sons would come to me and talk about it. I would hear my sons out, probably insert a few of my thoughts. But my bottom line was "You don't have to like your stp- mother. No one can make you feel something you don't. But, I expect you to treat her in a respectful, courteous way. Not because she has earned your respect, but because you are my sons and I expect you to treat people in that manner."

Just a few of my thoughts

Post deleted by californiapoppy

CP, this is going to sound a little "off" to you, but your child is directing his anger at the OW, although that is normal, maybe he needs to be shown to redirect it where it also belongs - his fears of the new situation? Heartmending made some very valid points earlier, something to think about. I hope that he is shown differently in time re: his dad and the OW, maybe they will come through.... and if not, well then you do what you have to do for the best interest of your son.

Do you have plans to revise custody? What does your lawyer have to say? That sucks re: the camping trip for your son, the one thing that I have learned is to be prepared so that potential conflict doesn't happen - having to really think like a single parent at all times(even though that is a tough pill to swallow) is sometimes your best approach to avoid these possibilities, from my experience I have had to take the high road. Just a thought to spare your son - don't set it up for failure depending on your ex. This response probably belongs in your other thread.