Post deleted by californiapoppy

It is absolutely all about money. For seven years now, my H has refused to share the cost of any extracurriculars, unless they happen to take place while the child is visiting him, except in one or two instances. He did pay for half of drivers ed for one of our six kids, and I think there was one other activity that I have forgotten. He even claims that his contribution toward college should come out of the approximately $200 weekly total he pays for at one point all six kids (now four still at home) in child support, even though it specifically says otherwise in the separation agreement. I think it is very important that custodial parents realize that the separation agreement means absolutely nothing to either the WS or to the courts. The only part that the courts pay any attention to at all is the actual child support number - and clearly, that is often not enforced either.

Here you have it. It's something you want so X refuses. Even if it is what son wants. They can't see it, they just hate us so much. I have it too. I just pay for everything, and the kids know that dad doesn't (I don't tell them, they just figure it out).

And Nellie is right "I think it is very important that custodial parents realize that the separation agreement means absolutely nothing to either the WS or to the courts. "
X's do what they want, regardless of the agreement. Don't expect this to change.

Good Luck.

Could you check with the organizations your son wants to participate in, such as soccer, etc. to see if they have a program to help low income parents such as you? Or perhaps your church, or grandparents? I have done this in the past, and often there is a program by which people with more money will pay for a low income child to participate, it's just not really advertised. I"ve also had the kids write to grandma and tell her they want to go to camp, and could she help by paying $100....that usually works! Or perhaps your son could do some things to earn the money, such as a yard sale, mowing, errands, etc. Sure, in a perfect world he shouldn't have to do that; but my 3 children are in the same situation and I've had to explain that I don't have the money for everything; and I"m amazed at how resourceful they've been.

Calif....my ex is unfair to my(our) 4 adult children. When the affair started by my X, and all the crud that goes with it...he was supporting all 4 children. Complaining about this during the affair time. Stating when is he allowed to have fun, but by gosh he was having fun in BED with the OW. After the divorce, I got full custody, and he had visitation. For the kids never lived with him, he didn't want the kids living with him at that time. My oldest is a girl and she is now into her late 20's. She was and is into horses. He is still supporting her in her adventure with horses, while trying to get an internet business going. During her schooling years in college, she never had to worry about schooling being paid, it was all paid for by dad. For I was a SAHM working for my husband at the time. Running the business. The other 3 children have had to get scholarships, loans and work parttime for their college education. Now the last one is trying to get through college. He is moving into a house right next to campus, for room and board is so expensive. This one adult child needed a mattress xlong for the room he is sharing with his preivous roommate in the house. I asked the X if he would pay for it, gave me the same thing, !"?X&@!? I stated at the end of conversation, if you are not going to pay for it, then I will somehow. I, too, am back in college fulltime (for X would not allow me to continue my education and better myself) and will be graduating this august 2006. Then I have my National Exam to take. He makes good money, living in Alaska, and has the funds to fly around the country about 3 times a year. I on the other hand, had the kids living with me, no childsupport for the last 3 years and been making do. I have cleaned horse stalls, cleaned fields, cleaned houses, worked at my church day care center, now working with a contractor, and did odd jobs. His statement to me, is that my(our) last child here doesn't want to coopoerate with him. Why should he buy things if this child doesn't cooperate. The oldest with the horses he states cooperates with him, but who wouldn't if the dad is paying for most of what she is spending. Even the counselor stated this to the oldest child and I when we were counseling. Why not cooperate, all your bills get paid by someone else.

It is all about control, not money, control! He is losing control of the child and of you. I learned of this through First Step for battered women. My ex, we have been divorced for 4 years now. I finally got the house in my name this past december...just procrastinated out of fear. The ex did what I expected. THere is a realtor in my church, and she did all the paperwork for me for free to get the house in my name. I explained to her that there might be a chance the ex will not willingly sign the papers. I was right, and told the realtor after I talked to the Ex...that he will not sign the papers. He threatened me by stating that if he signs that I will pay for this. He asked why are you doing this, and I said read the divorce decree. He got the house in Ariozna that he and the other woman had their sexual adventure in. I got the house here, for this was the stability for the children.

Hon, just look over the past. It is not the money, he has the money, it is the CONTROL issue. This is a way that he can have you turn around and let him control the situation again. A controller has so many demands and anger problems. My ex still has anger and shows it to his mother, most conversations she has with him turn ugly. She hates to talk to him anymore...and she says he has not changed.

He will not change, and the other woman, forget about her. It is not going to last. The Harleys said it is not going to last. They told me this when the ex was having his affair with the other woman. And it didn't last. She eventually dumped my ex...and now she is married. Which this marriage the OW has, will not last either with her. She is psychologically unstable....and a manipulator.

I do agree with the control issue. In many cases, they don't think about the best interest of the kids, just about controlling the X. Skewed, isn't it?

Let me start with saying I'm not taking anyone's side, his or hers.

With this said, I find the title of this thread mis-leading. Ex H has not said, son cannot participate. From what I've read, he is saying he will not pay.

It does sound like he's not living up to the agreement, but then what did you expect, he didn't live up to his vows either.

What I suggest is not that your son get in the middle, but that this become an issue for your son and father to work out. I think instead of you telling your ex that son wants to play soccer, that the boy goes and makes his case.

That's real life. At some point, we need to be able to build our own cases for causes and support we want. If your child is in late grade school or Jr High age, there is no reason he can't go to his father and explain that HE wants to play soccer, or go to camp, or whatever activities he wants to do.

Personally, I think he should make his case to both of you, just like he would if you were still married.

Finally, just because someone make X dollars does not make them rich. You yourself said that you live in a high cost of living area. With a big income comes big taxes, possibly half of every new dollar he earns goes to taxes. If he is paying child support that is commesurate with his income, I suspect it's over $1K/month for one child.

So if you figure he's paying $3K+/month in taxes, probably $1K+ month for child support, and perhaps a grand or two / month for a place to live, etc, he's probably not rolling in money, even making that kind of cash.

So to assume he has the money is a horrible DJ on your part. (I see a lot of them in your post, BTW. I know you are not trying to build a marriage with him, but you do have to co-parent, and the DJ's will poison that relationship as well.)

I know I'll probably take a lot of flak, that I don't understand. You know what, I'm not a single mom working a temp job trying to care for a child. But I do understand being a professional, career man, with an ex-wife who assumed that because I had a large income, that money just grew on trees. She wouldn't take the time to actually look at the numbers, even when I asked many times to sit down and see where the money goes, so she wouldn't just assume that because we have a six figure income that we didn't need to budget and plan and pick and choose how we spend our money.

I'm sorry your marriage ended so badly. I suspect your ex-husband feels like he's getting it from all sides. The government has it's hands deeply in his pockets if he's making $10K/month, he has to support a child and has no say in how you spend that money, and that the bills keep coming in.

In my case, it's my ex who was the WS, so I have to give money to a woman I don't trust, who has demonstrated that she makes what most financial advisors consider poor financial decisions, and further demonstrated untrustworthiness by having an affair and obtaining a divorce.

So I believe I have some understanding of both positions, that of the sole income earner, and of the BS.

I do pray that you can find a way to work with him, perhaps set up a budget of how many extra-carriculars your son will do and agree on what each of you will spend.

This would be a great exercise to perform with your son, so he can see how you don't just write a check for everything you want to do, but have to pick and choose and live within a budget.

At some ages, the kids shouldn't be in that situation.
My girls are 7 & 9 and X refuses to allow them to participate in "normal" activities. I believe they should participate, so I pay. And if an event falls on Dad's night, I inform him and hope he'll take them. This year was the first time he "took" them, and used the event to criticize DD8 excessively. She didn't pay attention during softball. (I almost wish he hadn't bothered to attend).

My X refused to take DD7 to the Father/Daughter Sweetheart dance, and refused to allow another dad to take her. It's just out of spite.
He refuses any request for date switches, and the kids miss 2 days of vacation bible school each year. They say nothing to me, but apparently, DD8 was very upset and discussed it all with her counselor. I'm glad she gets it out.

Just do what you can to give your child the life you wanted him to have.

What an interesting DJ from someone who just pointed out "horrible DJs" on the part of another. lol

I worked on a reply earlier today that was eaten by the internet monster. I'll try to compose it again later!

Lucks,

I suppose you are right.

However, since I divorced, the tree is much fuller than when I was married.

She is still spending, and is probably up to her eyeballs in debt.

I know when I went to refinance the house to get her name off the title and the mortgage that her first lawyer had a judgment against her and a lien on the house because she couldn't pay her bill.

I don't know how else to say that she refused to accept that there were limits regarding how much could be spent without exceeding our income, or that when I tried to discuss it with her, she refused to sit down and talk about any sort of spending plan.

So I used the expression regarding her assumptions.

Let's put it this way, if she believed otherwise from what I said, I saw no evidence of this, nor do I see any evidence to the contrary today.

Is that still a DJ?

I do know that she has a credit card with OM's name on it now, so it's really not my problem, LOL.

Thank you for pointing out the DJ in my writing! Really!

Yup....he's refusing to pay. Are you willing to stand up for your son? There are often 'scholarships' available for leagues. I have used them.

Try e-mailing x the info that you have signed child up. Tell him that half of the fee is $X. Don't have to ask permission.

Talk to the league/team. See if they can help you provide normality for you child. And remember, just like adults, children can become overextended and overscheduled.

Maybe I'm weird, but I would prefer to NOT ask STBXH to pay for any activities. That frees us up to pursue whatever activities we want without having to haggle with him over the price or worry about getting his approval -- "is this the cheapest piano teacher?" "is this the best swim school?" etc.

How much is soccer anyway? Here it's less than $50, so it's not a big deal to pay for it myself. (I also am fortunate that I have a generous family who is eager to pay for their grandchildren's activities if necessary). If the ex is the only thing that's holding you up, I would try to find a way to pay for it anyway. Don't deny your child an activity b/c the ex is being a jerk.

Post deleted by californiapoppy

Is a stipulation for splitting the costs in the decree? If so, did you include scheduling?

My decree does not require splitting of costs but does require both parents to put child's scheduled activities (sports, music, dance, church youth group activities, etc.) ahead of parenting schedule.

By including the 'jointly agree' phrase, your hands may be tied. Talk to the program, see if you qualify for fee assistance, take the child during your time.

How old is the child? Can he express himself well enough to tell his dad how much he wants to participate? Would the dad be willing to let him go if you provided the transportation?

So it's not just the cost, it's that he doesn't want to spend his visitation time on your son's activities? Unfortunately, I've heard about this conflict a lot -- the OW says "why should we give up every Saturday afternoon to take DS to soccer?" It gets really sticky when the OW has kids of her own and resents your kid's schedule dictating her weekends.

I don't know what the answer is. I understand where you're coming from and that you have your son's best interests at heart. I've also heard of situations where the ex has a legitimate gripe that his weekend is taken up with activities one parent signed up for when he, as a parent, would prefer different priorities.

I don't know what parents do when they can't reach agreement. Court? A parenting coordinator? Sign him up for soccer but tell the coach he'll miss half the games? (That seems unfair to the team.) Unfortunately, if you can't agree and he can't miss half the games then the default position probably is that DS doesn't do activities. Which stinks for him until he gets to be about 12 and can refuse to go for visitation.

Unfortunately I just found out WXH and OW may in fact be lurking on this forum, and since my attorney is reopening the custody/support issues in light of the recent events which have negatively impacted our son, I must delete my posts. Thank you for all your support.