Thanks TooSoon.

My gut tells me that the A is dead and it all started with exposure. Their R doesn't stand a chance since if she is caught with OM by her work she will surely be reprimanded or dismissed. This is because she has already denied any R with OM when her work investigated her and OM after my exposure.

Also, she works for the HR department and must be an arms length support to management. His job means more to him than my WW even though I read an email from him that said her friendship means more that any job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

Also, my WW has repeatedly denied any involvement with OM to her family. If she gets caught with OM it will open up a Pandora&#8217;s box. OM knows her family is watching closely and is too much of a coward to risk loosing his job over her. He is a known predator.

In addition, my recent snooping hasn't uncovered anything. Her attitude and demeanor are much different to when she was in the depths of the A last fall. So there are many little things that tell me the A is dead, however there is most likely still contact.

Today was my night with the kids and we had a fun time together. Later my WW came by to pick them up and retrieve some final items from my house. She even asked if I need a luggage for a trip I'm going on next week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. She is considerably nicer to me now and seeing her sets me back so I'm thinking of giving her the Plan B letter on August 18 instead of the 25th. I need to go dark since it hurts me to interatct with her even for just a few minutes. The 18th will be the day she picks up the kids for her week with them. That is also the last day she is legally allowed to enter my house so the timing is good.

Any comments?

We have all learned that WS's lie and are very "gone" in the fog. I think you are wise to do Plan B and not allow her to have the best of both worlds, meaning her total freedom with a great relationship with the BH. There has to be a price for her actions. Good Luck

TooSoon

Just remember, Plan B is NOT about vengence or "making her pay", it is about YOU!!! It's a fine line between manipulation (knowing that she is going to miss you in some aspects) and doing this for YOU.

WHEN she tries to "come back", restate your boundaries....and try to envision any and all situations that may come about, in terms of her trying to make contact. Her only contact from here on out, ever, is to agree to your Plan B conditions!!!

My FWW has adhered to all of my conditions set forth 6 weeks ago....and she did so ENTHUSIASTICALLY!!! It is amazing at what can transpire.....I have hope, Hope for your situation....as long as you still love your W.

One day at a time, one breath at a time!!!!
MWIL

G, Everytime I am in contact with my WW now I experience a setback in my personal recovery. As TooSoon suggest, she seems to want her freedom while enjoying a friendly R with me and I am not comfortable with that right now. I can't just be friends with someone that I have romantic feelings for...it is simply to painful. I need MY space from her now and Plan be will provide that.

Plan B is needed for ME to heal and I can't do that while in continual contact with my WW. This was her choice and the consequence of this choice is NC with me.

BTW, my Plan B conditions are NC with OM and a commitment to our M.

Hope, have you started working on your letter yet? I will link you to some below. It would be a good idea to post it here and let us give you feedback before you send it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428#000000

Below is my Plan B letter that I have prepared over the course of the last few months. I would appreciate any comments before I give it to my WW next Friday. Thanks...


Dear WW,

I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together, even when I was most hurt by your relationship with another man. I see now that my not showing you how much I loved you drove a wedge into our marriage. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

I want to remain married to you. As much as I want this you have made it clear that you don’t and as long as you feel this way I cannot be a part of your life while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me. It is simply too painful. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

So I am requesting that you not contact me except for important matters concerning our kids or an emergency. You may do this through email or by leaving a message on my cell phone.

If you get to the point where you want to give "us" another try and you can assure me there is no other man in your life, I would be open to resuming contact with you to discuss building a new marriage where we can be happy together and as a family, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage. Until that time please respect my wishes.

Love,
BS

Hopefully, we cleared up this mistake in previous posts. Contact is contact.

Mel, I need to look at the contact section a little closer.

Last night when my WW came over to pick up the kids she noticed the locks were missing and she asked why. When I told her it was because I was changing the locks she made this face like I was crazy to do this.

I don't think she would be dumb enough to break in, but I don't trust her enough to know there may be a key of mine in her possesion. She was obviously offended by my actions to change the locks. The nerve of me NOT to trust her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hope, something like this would be appropriate:

"So I am requesting that you not contact me except for EMERGENCIES. All other PERTINENT matters that cannot be avoided, should be directed toward my intermediary, Joe Blow, who will then pass it on to me."

Remember, Hope, no contact means no contact. You have to be DARK AS NIGHT.

Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for not checking on you! I have had a few things to deal with here on the home front!

So, how are you? How are the kids?

Actually, I'm doing better than I thought I would be and I'm very happy today since I've got the kids for the next week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

It is so much more peaceful and relaxing without my WW in the house as I don't feel I have to walk on eggshells anymore. I felt undermined when she was here since we would not see eye-to-eye on issues pertaining to the kids. Now, I am the only one making decisions on their behalf when they are with me and I feel like I have regained control in this area.

Last night I picked up the kids from my WW's house and she was asking me some questions while I was sitting in my car. I couldn't even look at her during this time as it seems to set me back. When I give her the plan B letter on Friday it will eliminate this contact with her.

BTW, my SIL (WW's sister) has agreed to be an intermediary and I will send all my messages through her. I will be purchasing a caller ID phone so I can identify her calls and have the kids answer. There is no longer any reason for me to be in contact with her.

This morning she called to say high to the kids but the phone was busy so she left a message on my cell phone. I had the kids call her and they both talked to her for a short while. I know it is the first day for her without the kids, but I hope she doens't continue to expect to call the kids morning and night.

Overall I feel good and am happy that I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I still love my W, but I have realized that I don't need her. She was a very kind and loving woman before this all started and this A has changed her into a selfish and angry woman. She can no longer take out that anger or use her selfishenss against me and it has liberated me somewhat.

I have had tremendous support from my family, friends and even her family so that has really helped me with this transition.

Now that she has her freedom, she can live the life she has fantasized about. Although I don't meet much of her EN's right now, soon I will meet NONE of them as I go into Plan B.

Good post. Keep those thoughts with you when you begin to wane and get soft. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Remember you want your W back, NOT the WS.

Your mind and heart will be syncing soon and it will anger the WS to see you be soo focused and with a plan.

Enjoy the little ones. They are soooo precious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi HTW,
I'm glad you found a little peace. Enjoy the kids this week. Have you figured out how you will contact the kids when the are with your WW for the week?

I think your plan B letter sounds good. Melody has given you some great feedback.

Use this time to heal. Its nice not having to walk on eggshells isn't it? Gather your strength you'll need it for a strong plan B and recovery (personal and/or marital)

Thanks for the input on my thread. I had forgotten about the basics. I'll have to go back and reread. But I think you nailed it, the challenge is keeping my Taker at bay.

Orchid, I understand what you mean by this as my heart is slowly catching up to my mind. I've wanted to feel good about Plan B for a long time and now I'm 100% sure that I'm ready for darkness. What I don't forsee happening is the anger from my WW. She has really mellowed lately as she seems to be enjoying her freedom and life without me so I don't see how my Plan B will anger her...I really don't.

Today I was reflecting on some of the hurtful things my WW said and did over the past year and now realize that I have arrived to a place where she CAN'T hurt me ANYMORE. Her DJ's and IB's will no longer have any effect on me now as I enter Plan B and it feels empowering to regain that control.

This afternoon my WW called to see what the kids were doing. They were swimming in the pool so they couldn't talk to my WW and she asked what they had for lunch and what they will be having for dinner. I wanted to tell her that it no longer concerns her what the kids are eating or doing when they are with me.

CC, I had a wonderful day with the kids and I didn't feel rushed or anxious as we just enjoyed have a good time. I feel soo much more RELAXED now that she is not around and it has been a VERY log time since I have felt this way. It really does feel great not having to walk on egg shells anymore. I have regained CONTROL of my life!

I haven't figured out how I am going to contact the kids when they are with their mom. Hopefully I can get some ideas here.

HTW- I am so proud of you...you seems so put together...I have a feeling no matter what the outcome you are going to be great. I wish you the best in Plan B and hope that this will work.

I can just imagine the happiness you are feeling with those little ones. My 4 yr ols. is really a character. he likes to play jokes and the things that come out of his mouth. LMAO Both of my kids are amazing to me...I'm positive your's are amazing too.

One the contact kids...perhaps you can have a set time each night or every other night...maybe right before bedtime...

My DH calls his mom or I do on Sunday about 10pm, or she'll call us. It a routine! Perhaps you can set up a call each night with her at a certain time...that may elimitate her calling...one call, one night...not three or four times a day...
...just another consequence of her choice?

Well, I hope to see you around. Your fabulous! Keep up the great work!

This is what I am leaning towards.

My first weekend with the kids went well and they seem to be adusting nicely. There was the odd time where they were asking about their mom, but overall we did very well together.

My WW called in the morning to see how the kids were and then she picked them up to go to my DS friend's b-day party in the afternoon. When she returned them home I was busy working in the basement. As I came up she was already getting into her car.

Later, as I was giving the kids a bath someone called and I let it go to the answer machine, then 5 minuutes later the phone rang again. It was my WW both times so I had the kids call them after we were done.

My DS told his mom that they would be staying with my parents today and at that point my WW asked to speak to me. She started talking about how they are still in daycare and I need to pay for my share. I just let her talk and told her that I plan on paying my share.

How come I can get by letting my kids call me once a day just before bed, but my WW feels the need to call several times a day to talk to the kids? I don't want to prevent my kids from talking to their mom and I think once a day is reasonable.

I think she is in for a suprise once I give her the Plan B letter on Friday. I will ask her to send any requests or conerns through her sister. I don't need to hear these silly little details.

So 4 days left to DARKNESS!

Her calls are an indication that she is starting to miss her family and is feeling some guilt about the seperation. This is what usually happens. Are you prepared for an onslaught of phone calls when you give her the Plan B Letter?

Also, what are your plans if she calls non stop to "speak to the kids?" Do you have answering machine that the calls can roll over to?


Great job on setting up an intermediary, Hope! Please ask her to SCREEN your wife's calls and to not pass anything that is really NOT CRITICAL. Does she understand that the purpose of your Plan B is protect you from contact?

Mel, I don't know what to expect when I give her the Plan B letter.


I just bought a new cordless phone with an answering maching and caller ID so I can screen the calls. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Whenever I see her number now it makes me cringe! She is going to go ballistic if I let all her calls go to the answering machine instead of letting her talk to the kids. Our LSA says she can call and email the kids but it doesn't say anything about me having to pick up the phone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


My SIL has always been afraid of my WW even though she is 10 years older. I tried to explain what I need her to do and why, but I have a feeling it will take time to filter out alot of the junk.

Here is an email I received from my WW this morning that is typical of what I am dealing with the past couple of days. She says my dad hung up the phone on her and that sounded suspicious since it is totally out of character for him. When I called him to inquire about this he said someone did call and he was saying "hello" several times with no answer. He was adamant that he did not hang up the phone on my WW and I believe him. Here is the email...


Hi BS,

I tried to call the kids this morning at 8:16am and your father hung up the phone on me.

Our agreement speaks to the fact that we can talk to the kids at any time, I’d appreciate it if you and your family didn’t make things so difficult for me.

Yesterday, I had to learn from DS that he was not attending school to go to his grandparents house today and tomorrow, I would appreciate it, if you would let me know those things first, unless you would like for me to act the same way.

WS


Mel, if this is any indication, she is going to go nuts in Plan B! I wouldn't be suprised if she tries to take legal action at some point. What are your thoughts?

I haven't replied and really don't feel the need to at this point. I can't seem to escape this crap!

See, here is what is going on. She wants to be ASKED about any decisions concerning the kids when they are with you. She is not respecting your sovereign right as a father and wants to supervise you. That is something she forfeited when she left. There will no longer be the duality of decision making in day to day issues.

You do not have to let her know when your children are going to their grandparents when they are with you. You are not legally obliged to check with her before going somewhere. If you want to go for pizza, you don't have to call her up and ask her, for example.

And yes, I anticipate she will go nuts when you go into Plan B because she will lose control. We have a member i told you about on my board whose W actually threatened legal action to FORCE him to attempt to force him to stay at her beck and call. Please go read that thread i pointed you to.

i agree that you should not respond at all. If push comes to shove, you can suggest that she buy the kids cell phones so she can reach them anytime. Becasue otherwise, it is unreasonable for her to expect you to check with you before you take the kids somewhere.

She is the one who wanted the seperation, let her face the consequences, I say!